Ex Bf Ended Relationship After Mom Was Murdered

[kayc]

I think you did well with your response. You made it about him, you acknowledged his feelings, you showed you cared without expectations, nothing offensive. I do hope he takes your advice and seeks counseling. I think he's lucky to have you for a friend...you are a safe place for him to talk to.

[Crna2004]

Thank you for your response, KayC. I wanted to make sure that I didn't make the same mistake as I've done in the past (by telling him that I'm worried about him and think about him daily). I don't know if reaching out to me was a result of not contacting him on a regular basis (like I was doing before). The fact that he shared his feelings with me is a huge step! The text had taken me by surprise and after I read it appeared that he's screaming (metaphorically) for help! I don't want him to do anything drastic because he's feeling this way. I've decided that I will just text a couple of times a week to check if he's okay. I will also start to ask if he wants to hang out (movie, going to lunch or dinner, etc) sometimes so he know that I will always be there for him. I will try to continue to slowly encourage him to possibly seek counseling so he can start to feel ok. Maybe these emotions are coming out as well because Saturday was exactly one year since we ended the relationship. Also his family will be meeting with the prosecuting attorney about the trial with his mother's death (his nephew has been charged with first degree murder). I still love him (deeply love him as my friend). My mind is now clear. It's not clouded with emotion and grief (questioning why he ended the relationship, does he still love me, etc). The fact that he shared his feeling with me (and none of his other friends or family) speaks volumes about his love for me as his true friend. I just want to make sure that he knows that I will always be there for him as his true friend.

[MartyT]

My dear, I've been following your story in this thread, and my heart reaches out to you in your valiant efforts to be there for your friend. The violent manner in which his mother died is no doubt affecting his reactions, and I'm so sorry this has happened to all of you.

In addition to the wise advice you're receiving from Kay, I want to offer a couple of resources to you, in hopes that they may help you to better understand and to help your friend.

The Aftermath of Murder

Grief Due to Complicated Death

The Murder of a Parent

Are You Reluctant to Seek Counseling for Grief?

You'll find additional resources listed on the Traumatic Loss page of our Grief Healing website.

[Crna2004]

Thank you so much Marty T. I have read these articles today. I have emailed them to my friend. I will wait for his response. I know him extremely well (over 21 years). I just hope that he opens up and decide to seek help. I made this comment to him (actually from one of the articles) as I sent him these articles: We are both in the profession to help and heal people. If you have a broken arm or leg you will go see someone to fix it. Why not go see someone about about your "broken heart"? I will definitely keep you guys posted. Thank you both for your advice. I'm hurting for him and his family. I just want to make sure that he will be okay.

[Crna2004]

Hello,

It's been awhile since I have posted on this forum (about 6 months). I had felt the urge to return once again. I've been feeling sad (almost melancholy) lately. It's been over 18 months since my ex-BF broke off the relationship. We're still friends (I guess) but definitely not as close as we once were a long time ago. We text each other about once a week (to see how each other are doing). I haven't seen him since October. We went to the movies. We had a great time (it seemed like old times talking, laughing, joking around). I thought that we will hang out again but it hasn't happened. I thought that maybe he missed that about our friendship... I know that I do! I figured after knowing each other for 22 years now (since 1993) our friendship will remain strong. I know that he's not in another relationship. He told me about a month ago that he's "not ready to have a relationship or f$&* up someone's else life". All I could say was "wow"! He asked me why I haven't found a boyfriend. I told him I don't know. But I do... I still love him.

I'm not sad anymore about the ending of our relationship. It happened because it needed to happen for his sanity! I completely get it. I'm not hoping or secretly wishing that we will be together again. It is what it is.... I just miss us hanging out together or even talking to him. To consider him as my best friend for half of my life and now to be distant from him is what hurts me the most about this circumstance. I don't cry anymore when I think of him. I think about him every day. I don't understand why I still feel an "ache" when I think of him. I can't explain my feeling any other way. I know he's still grieving over his mom being murdered. I just feel helpless. I miss him ?

[kayc]

I can relate to what you say except I can honestly say (it's been 4 1/2 years now) I don't feel the longing any more...I think the first few months were the hardest part because that's when all the adjusting is done...but you two were together much longer. You are wise not to hope for something else as this seems to be all he has to give...and he's wise not to get involved with someone else

What a beautiful picture of you, gorgeous smile! I hope the sadness abates in time...

[Crna2004]

Thank you for the compliment Kayc. I appreciate it. I am longing for his friendship again. He was my best friend. I have started to hang out more with other friends, going on vacations (girl trips) to Mexico, Las Vegas, etc. But it's not the same as with him. His personality (and idiosyncracies) are identical to mine. I don't know... Maybe I should just try to forget about wanting the friendship again.

[kayc]