Excessive Crying

[Mary1063]

Where do I begin. Other than to thank all of you for your support and love to my darling SIL Shannon. When my brother was ill and when he passed on. And the support, prayers, and love in her own battle with that cancer that took her. I just feel like i have to keep expressing my thanks to you all that were there for her and my brother. Maybe a way of keeping them "alive". I don't know.

I'm hating cancer right now. I'm hating heart failure, diabetes, and strokes that inevitably took both my brothers too soon. Regarding Shan, honestly I feel in my heart it was not really the cancer that took her, but rather her shattered heart and soul in losing the love of her life in my brother. I 100% believe she would still be here today fighting or in remission, had he not passed. It's still all too much for me. I'm crying so much lately. I thought tears cleansed the heart and released some despair, however not right now. It is seemingly endless.

I am seeing Rose... And that is much more difficult than I thought. She knew everything about Shan and I suppose it is making it very bittersweet. The suicide of my own therapist is putting me over the top. As well as the passing of our birth mother... And the regret that I never attempted to make peace. Leo did. I couldn't.

I went inpatient in the psych unit for nine days where I was quickly put on three new meds for grief, depression, and panic attacks. It's hard to really notice a difference because this grief is immensely overwhelming right now. Perhaps it's better than being numb?

It will be 5 months on Monday since Shan joined her Mom and my brother. And many others. It still seems like yesterday though. May will be one year since Leo passed... It's just overwhelming. How does the time, the days, the weeks, the months pass just like it was yesterday? The world keeps going, but I feel like I'm suspended in time. Is this a common feeling for anyone here?

Sorry I went on and on. I've got to try to sleep. Though when I try to put my head to the pillow, the sobbing really begins.

[mfh]

Dear Mary, I reach out to you with compassion. You have been through so much. My heart breaks for you.

You asked if others find themselves feeling suspended in time after a huge loss (or in your case, a series of losses). I am not totally clear what you mean by "suspended in time" but what I can share is that after a loss, people I know, including myself, frequently tend to feel that time seems irrelevant, confusing, suspended....even today as I approach the 4th year anniversary of Bill's death, it feels like 4 year sometimes; it feels like yesterday at other times; and a century ago at other times and actually it can feel those ways all at the same time. I think shock and trauma baffles our brains for a long while. We walk around in a fog and lose track of time, events, etc. and our brain seems not to comprehend time in the same way as when we are in what was our "normal" state of mind because we are still living the loss that took place however long ago. We are not paying attention to the world around us as we were before.

What matters to me is that each of us experiences our losses and trauma and feelings in our own unique ways so what one person experiences may or may not be what another experiences. Granted we see numbers of people experiencing a feeling of being sort of frozen (if that is what you mean by suspended in time). That is common. You are dealing with all that has happened and you feel what you feel and that is all that matters in making your feelings legitimate and ok...even if not one single person feels the same way. I hope this make sense. Please let me know if it does not. Please know we care about you and it is always good to hear from you.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[Guest]

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[enna]

On this journey, Mary, we learn that there is no right or wrong way to feel or to grieve. Bill's Mary says it as it is - "each of us experiences our losses and trauma and feelings in our own unique ways so what one person experiences may or may not be what another experiences."

I walk beside you and want you to know that you are never alone. I can not take the pain you are feeling away from you just as you can't take the pain I feel away from me. We can hold hands and be assured that we do not journey alone.

Time is an interesting word. I have lived a little over seven decades and some memories from my childhood seem like they happened only yesterday yet the loss of my Jim only 20 months ago seems like he has been gone an eternity. I think of the song 'Time in a Bottle' and how I would love to go back to when Jim and I were both well and happy but I know I can't so I capture memories and take comfort in those good memories just as you will take comfort in all the good memories you have of your brothers and Shannon.

You are in my thoughts daily, dear Mary. You are strong. Hugs to you.

Anne

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

All of the above, ^^^, ditto.

{{{Hugs}}} and *<fairy dust>* because I cannot be there to hold you and hug you in person. Please consider yourself tenderly and lovingly hugged.

Mary, dear heart, I think that perhaps everything you are experiencing is "normal" with what you have been through. It is a lot of trauma. Ask your doctors about listening to some of Belleruth Naparstek's guided imagery. I think it is working miracles for me as I begin to heal from the horror—profound, terrifying horror— of the barbarians. I think I could have handled Doug's loss alone, as you might have better managed Leo's leaving if Shan were still with us, herself being slowly but surely healed.

Dear Mary, you are healing from a great deal of pain, loss, and trauma to your psyche, heart, physical being (all those accidents!) and the stress and toll on your energy from trying to keep functioning through it all. Healing is slow, but it happens. It really does. {{{Hugs}}}

Stay here with us. Ask our fire keepers about Belleruth. Marty and Bill's Mary will have some links for you, I know.

I am holding you in my heart. I believe you are healing at some profoundly deep level, even if you cannot feel it yet at all. I believe you are here with us, around this fire, with this Tribe, because you belong here, dear Mary.

Peace to your heart, and let us help you carry your pain and sorrow, even as we heal our own. *<healing fairy dust>*

*<twinkles>*

Namaste,

fae