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My Dearest Friends Lost Their Mum?


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Hi guys, hope you can help me.

My dearest girlfriends who are twins lost their mother on Wednesday. Funeral's on Tuesday.

Ok, so, the problem.

Last time I cried was yesterday morning the girls mother's friend of 30 years came to see me. Mum said I had to "Be strong." So, what did I do? I suppressed everything, and now I can't cry at all. Scared that I'll get physically sick, or heaven forbid, start hurting myself again.

I love their mother. Always have. Always will. She, as with the girls, feel like my family. Known them for the majority of my life. I'm worried that everything will stay suppressed and the overwhelming sadness will just inwardly destroy me. Basically what this is is, I want to cry and get it out but I can't. Help?

Also what do I do about Tuesday? Because I'll have to be strong then too, and I don't want to be like this after the funeral. It hurts more than crying. Sad movies, music, that ain't helping. At all.

Thanks, guys

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We don't cry on command, it will come out when you're ready, it's still so soon, I wouldn't worry about it. As long as you aren't holding your emotions in and trying to suppress them. You don't have to "not cry" to be strong for them. It's okay to cry, okay to hurt, okay to have emotions...it's normal when someone dies. Everyone handles things differently though.

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It is clear to me that you feel sad for your friends and the loss of their mother. Being there for them does not mean not feeling pain for themselves and for yourself. There is nothing wrong about shedding some tears at that funeral and afterwards. Your tears are a sign of your love for them and your mother and they will come but truly do not go into this trying to be so strong that you shut down your own pain. As Kay said, you cannot cry on command. Try to just be you. Remember you also have experienced the loss of someone who you said is family.

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As Mary says, my dear, you've also lost a person who meant a great deal to you, and your reactions sound perfectly normal to me. That feeling of shock and numbness is nature's way of protecting you from the full force of your loss, especially in the beginning, when there are so many details to attend to, such as preparing for and getting through the funeral. (This is why reading about what is normal in grief can be so helpful, as it reassures us that we are not "crazy" or weird for feeling or behaving as we do.)

As for crying or not, you may find these articles helpful (and be sure to see the Related Articles listed, too):

Coping with Sorrow in Grief

Finding Crying Time in Grief

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