My Family Doesn't Understand

[qbee817]

It has been almost 19 months since the man I loved passed away. I am coping bettwr but no matter what I am doing I always have this constant nagging sadness inside of me and think of him all the time. We had only been together about 7 months but we truly loved each other. We had found the trust, companionship and friendship that neither of us had in our marriages. He died suddenly as I held him. I am espcially miss him so with the holidays. It was 2 years ago during Christmas that we became so close. I feel the overwhelming sadness creeping in as I try to fight it off. I do not want to become the total emotional and physical wreck I was last year at this time. I

I have 2 adult children who do not understand my grief. They seem to think I should be "over it". They do not or won't understand that I could totally love someone with all my heart and soul other than their father (even though we have been divorced for 5 years). My daughter is having Christmas dinner at her house which includes my ex husband. He isn't the problem though. I know I should be and I am grateful to be able to spend Christmas with my daughter and son, they are healthy. My Dad will be there and I am grateful for his health and that he is still here with me. My fear is my thoughts of how I miss my dear friend and companion and afraid I'll become emotional while at my daughter's. Sometimes I just can't turn off my feelings of loneliness even when I'm with my children or friends. I'm just afraid of fighting a meltdown and failing around them. They will not understand. They cannot even understand why I keep his things. They ask me why I keep it, he's dead. I'm tired of justifying my feelings for him. If I ever bring up things we did together, they just look at me like they don't want to hear it. He gave me more compassion, understanding, love, honesty and friendship than their father gave me in 20 years of marriage. I'm tired of feeling like I shouldn't mention his name when I do...he was my love and my life even though it was only for a short period of time. I wouldn't have changed anything and I was blessed and grateful for the time we had together.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that I'm afraid of my emotions overwhelming me, what their reaction will be, etc.

I'm just confused and sad.

Thanks for listening,

qbee

[~Fi~]

I've been reading these forums for a while but your letter struck me as particularly sad. To find your love and only have 7 months with him is so tragic. When you meet your soul mate you know right away. After more than 10 years of friendship, the first time Carl kissed me I knew that it was him I'd been waiting for. We were lucky that we had almost 14 years together after that but even if we had only 7 months (or even 7 days) losing him would still have taken a part of my heart and soul.

I'm so sorry your family don't understand. There is nothing worse than being told that what you are feeling doesn't make sense - they are your feelings, no one know better than you that they are real.

I hope you have an understanding friend to spend time with over the holidays.

My heart aches for you, I wish I had some wise words that would make dealing with this easier. Please know that I'll be thinking of you as we both deal with a difficult holiday.

Fi

Carl's Memorial Website

[qbee817]

Dear Fi,

Thank you for responding to my post. I very rarely post but I espcially troubled and do, I always find comfort and understanding.

I'm sorry too that Carl is gone, I looked at the wonderful site in his honor.

Thank God, I do have a few dear friends, who were friends of ours and we can reminince. They miss him.

It's just most times I feel so alone in all this...I imagine most of us here do. Take care of yourself.

Vicki

[kayc]

I am sorry your family doesn't understand. But that doesn't alter how you feel or how real it is. You shouldn't have to justify anything you feel or do to anyone. Honor your sweetheart's memory however you wish and do what you want to do with the holidays...it is yours to do with as you will. If you want to go away alone by the seashore and listen to the voice of the waves, do so. Your family should try to understand and accept what you are going through. The reason they don't is simply because they haven't been there, and thank God for that! You have people here that understand and listen. We arehere, too!

[qbee817]

Thanks Kay. I did pretty good on Christmas day actually. It hit me the day after. I was visiting relatives and almost burst into tears for no apparant reason. I guess I'd bottled it up. I let it go when I got home.

qbee