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Dad


Lujo

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My Dad died three weeks ago today. He died of metastatic prostate cancer found only at the post mortem. Dad only started becoming ill about 7 weeks before he died. Just vague symptoms at first. By the time he was finally admitted to the hospital (2 days before he died) his liver and kidneys were failing and he was transferred straight to ITU. Me and my partner made the journey down (just over 100 miles) to see him. A CT scan showed his liver was completely covered in tumours and he had no liver function whatsoever. Chemotherapy and/or radiotherapy was impossible without any liver function. He was too ill to even undergo a biopsy to diagnose the cancer because of the risk of him bleeding to death. The doctors told us it was incurable and then we went to Dad's bedside whilst they told him. Dad just wanted to go to a hospice but he was told he was too ill. Dad had about two hours or less to process the information that he was dying and talk to the palliative care team before he received his final pain relief and sedative and they unplugged him from the dialysis machine and stopped his blood pressure medication. We held his hand and told him we loved him and said goodbye. It took about an hour before he passed away.

I cried so much when he was ill in hospital. The nurse had to take me to one side to tell me to prepare myself because of the bad prognosis. He was deteriorating all the time even though he was awake and aware and it was terribly painful to watch. Just after he died I hardly cried at all. At most I would well up for a minute or two. It felt like Dad was just on holiday. We had to wait for a post mortem. I had times where I felt almost normal, times when I felt uneasy and times when I felt overwhelming sadness. I had dreams full of anxiety, still do. I slept on in the mornings because sleep was a way of avoiding facing the reality that Dad was gone. It's not how I thought grief was going to be. I was worried that I wasn't crying enough and I couldn't understand this because I really loved my Dad and still do even though he's gone.

Yesterday would have been Dad's 77th birthday. I lit a candle for him in the evening and I broke down. I sobbed and wailed in a way that I felt totally out of control. It's really now starting to sink in that Dad is gone, he's not on holiday and I will never see him again. I won't be able to just chat to him, to laugh with him, to ask his advice, to give him presents, to hug him and he won't see my daughter grow up, he'll never give me away if I get married.

I went to work Monday and yesterday and it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought work would be a distraction but I was so upset even before I got to work. Some people at work were kind to me, just saying they were sorry for my loss. Others ignored me completely. I know that people didn't want to upset me but I much prefer to hear I'm sorry for your loss than the feeling of being ignored even though I got teary every time someone said how sorry they were to hear of my loss.

I guess I'm rambling on a lot and I don't have any specific questions to ask people on this forum but I do have this need to share my experience with people who are going through bereavement. I'm finding it difficult to find someone to talk to about it. I have my Mum, but she is suffering too. My partner's Dad also died over twenty years ago and I thought that he would understand. He has been so good to me since but I don't feel any better. He also heard me sobbing uncontrollably yesterday and said he didn't try and comfort me because I needed to cry it out. He is at least partially right I do need to cry it out but I felt upset that he refused to comfort me.

I know that my Dad was 76 and I know it would have been much worse if he was younger. But we had no idea he was so ill. We and my Dad had no time to come to terms with it as it was found so late. And loss is loss no matter what the age or whether it is known in advance or not if a condition is terminal.

I'm so sorry for everyone on this forum (and everyone in the world) who has suffered a loss. My condolences go out to everyone x

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I am so sorry you lost your dad. I lost my mom August 21. I don't think there's a "right way" for them to go, because whether it's lingering like my mom (she had Dementia and Leukemia) or quick like your dad, it's hard no matter what. I am glad my mom is out of her suffering, but tomorrow I have to go to town (over 100 miles round trip) and it feels weird because she isn't there to go visit any more. She was 60 miles away from me and I'm so geared to going to see her every chance I got for so long.

It'll be important for you to convey to your partner exactly what you need from him. Everyone reacts differently to grief and he's likely responding the way HE needed responded to when HE went through it. It'll be important to your relationship that you come right out and tell him what you need because he can't read your mind. The people at work, the ones who ignore you, it's because of their uncomfortableness and not knowing what to say, not necessarily that they don't care. People get real awkward about death. Some of them act like it's contagious. Tell the few that have given you comforting remarks how much it meant to you and how much you've appreciated feeling cared about. They may pass the word to others, but even if the others don't respond likewise, it's nice to know there are some that try at least.

It is good that you come here and I hope you'll continue to feel free to express yourself, your pain, thoughts, and what you're going through, it's quite a journey.

Again, I'm so sorry.

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Hello, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad :( I lost my mom to alcoholism on June 27 of this year. Even tho, we all knew she had a problem, none of us realized the severity of her disease.. she did a very good job of hiding her addiction or keeping us at arm's length and never going to the dr... my siblings and I would talk about 'how this is killing her' but NEVER did I believe it actually would. She was admitted on a Wed morning.. she had horrible jaundice.. but even as I looked at her, I never once thought she would die.. I left that night with high hopes. We got the diagnosis the next morning that she had hours left to live.. she died the next afternoon.. it was the most surreal thing I have ever endured. I didn't think it was real when it was happening and it took me a few weeks for it to settle in and really, really hit me.

I recall going to back to work and some people avoiding me as well.. but you know what.. prior to my mom passing, I would have people in my life that had lost parents and while I felt sympathy towards them, I NEVER knew exactly what they were feeling.. until now.. it is such an indescribable feeling.. like KayC said, some people are just uncomfortable and they just don't know.. in the weeks that followed her death, it was like a movie kept replaying in my head.. our last conversation, the last days.. how my dad took it so hard.. and how I will never be able to call her ever again.

I just found myself yesterday thinking, 'I need to call mom and tell her what we've been thru' .. I immediately felt sadness, realizing I will never be able to do that.. I wish I would have had more time to tell her more things.. I didn't get to say it all how I wanted to say it.. I am sure you feel that way too.. but you know what is so great? You were there by his side.. you gave him comfort when he needed it most.. that is both heartbreaking and beautiful.

So this journey of grief is a process.. and yours is completely different than anyone else.. like KayC mentioned, be open with your partner thru this.. I recall being extremely edgy and snappish towards my partner in the weeks that followed.. I finally broke down and told him I felt on edge and felt bad for taking it out on him.. I will tell you too, that while it never goes away.. it does get better.. I am sure that is hard to imagine now.. but I am finding joy in things I used to and getting excited about little things.. I will never take life for granted again.. we all owe that to ourselves.. life is so short ... I wish your heart tremendous comfort and healing.

Hugs to you.

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I feel the same as you, wishing I could tell my mom something...today I had to go to town and normally I'd go see her, it's hard to go now and not be able to see her. We get used to it eventually but I think it hits for a long time.

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I think that is the hardest part for me.. wanting to just pick up the phone and call and chat.. I actually want to tell her how we've been coping with life since she passed ;) like, I really just want to pick up the phone and have a conversation about it!

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I know. I have a computer file called "letters to George" (my late husband) and I've thought about starting one for my mom, so I could tell her how I'm feeling and the things I want to say to her. Who know but what maybe they can be aware of it?

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KayC and Maria thank you very much for your replies and for your kind words. It really does help to talk to people who are going through it. I don’t wish it on anyone (even though death is a fact of life) but I feel much less alone when I can talk to people and read their stories of bereavement. I started a reply a few days ago but my attention span is so short at the moment that I felt I had to stop before I could finish it.

KayC I am very sorry for your loss. You’re right; of course, there is no “right” way to go. It must be so difficult to slowly watch a loved one decline and on the other hand a tremendous shock when they go unexpectedly (or very quickly) and little or no time to say how much you love them and goodbye. I’m glad my Dad didn’t suffer for very long and that we did get to tell him how much we loved him and goodbye. It still hurts though, still feels unfair and unexpected. I’m still trying to put the pieces together in my head. Dad died of prostate cancer which we/he didn’t know he had. This is a cancer with a 5 year survival rate of 81% in the UK and I haven’t heard of anyone who has died not knowing they had it. It leaves me wondering why wasn’t he diagnosed earlier? What did we miss (the signs)? Just feels dreadful.

Maria I am so sorry for your loss too. I had the same feelings when my Dad became ill. At first we thought it was a virus and the nurse practitioner did too. Then he became worse and a blood test revealed high liver enzymes and they wrote an urgent referral to the hospital. At the time I was desperately worried about the high liver enzymes knowing that could mean he had cancer (although it could also have meant a more benign fatty liver disease) but my worst fear was that we would be told he had a terminal cancer and had three months to live, not that he would die within the next few weeks. Dad also only became jaundiced in the last few days of his life.

I did talk a bit to my partner about what I need from him. This was after we had a bit of a row after he ignored me whilst I was sobbing because he felt I needed to cry it out. He said every time I started to cry before and he comforted me I would stop crying and he thought that crying was good for healing. He still stands by his belief but after that row we went to sleep and he held me then as I was still crying and I didn’t stop crying but I was grateful for the comfort he provided. It did help. I do agree that crying can be therapeutic. My partner is doing his best and to be honest I would be a complete wreck without him.

KayC, Maria I also think of things I want to just say to my Dad before I realise he’s gone. I was in town today with my partner and our daughter and we saw a children’s fairground ride that my daughter seemed to want to go on. Instantly I thought about my Dad and how would have loved to see my daughter on there. He’d have taken lots of photos. I just felt overwhelming sadness. There are so many things I want to say to Dad everyday. So many things that he’s going to miss.

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I know, my dad died when I was 29 and pregnant with my first child, he missed all that. I kept him alive by telling my kids stories about him and telling them how proud he would be of them. I like to think my dad could see them growing up, that he knew when they won their state mental math contests, and when my son was valedictorian and served his country and graduated summa cum laude with two degrees. I like to think he knows my daughter has dimples and would have wrapped him around her finger. I think he knows he has a great grandchild on the way. I believe we'll be together again, able to hug and talk once again.

I had a very short notice with my dad (he was in the hospital a month), and although I didn't know when my mom would succumb, it was a long decline, but with my husband it was sudden and very much shocking. It's hard to compare, they're all hard in their own way, just different, but I think it was easiest with my dad simply because I knew he was going and I got to say what I wanted to him, and had a little time to assimilate what was happening.

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