Lujo Posted October 22, 2014 Report Share Posted October 22, 2014 My Dad died three weeks ago today. He died of metastatic prostate cancer found only at the post mortem. Dad only started becoming ill about 7 weeks before he died. Just vague symptoms at first. By the time he was finally admitted to the hospital (2 days before he died) his liver and kidneys were failing and he was transferred straight to ITU. Me and my partner made the journey down (just over 100 miles) to see him. A CT scan showed his liver was completely covered in tumours and he had no liver function whatsoever. Chemotherapy and/or radiotherapy was impossible without any liver function. He was too ill to even undergo a biopsy to diagnose the cancer because of the risk of him bleeding to death. The doctors told us it was incurable and then we went to Dad's bedside whilst they told him. Dad just wanted to go to a hospice but he was told he was too ill. Dad had about two hours or less to process the information that he was dying and talk to the palliative care team before he received his final pain relief and sedative and they unplugged him from the dialysis machine and stopped his blood pressure medication. We held his hand and told him we loved him and said goodbye. It took about an hour before he passed away. I cried so much when he was ill in hospital. The nurse had to take me to one side to tell me to prepare myself because of the bad prognosis. He was deteriorating all the time even though he was awake and aware and it was terribly painful to watch. Just after he died I hardly cried at all. At most I would well up for a minute or two. It felt like Dad was just on holiday. We had to wait for a post mortem. I had times where I felt almost normal, times when I felt uneasy and times when I felt overwhelming sadness. I had dreams full of anxiety, still do. I slept on in the mornings because sleep was a way of avoiding facing the reality that Dad was gone. It's not how I thought grief was going to be. I was worried that I wasn't crying enough and I couldn't understand this because I really loved my Dad and still do even though he's gone. Yesterday would have been Dad's 77th birthday. I lit a candle for him in the evening and I broke down. I sobbed and wailed in a way that I felt totally out of control. It's really now starting to sink in that Dad is gone, he's not on holiday and I will never see him again. I won't be able to just chat to him, to laugh with him, to ask his advice, to give him presents, to hug him and he won't see my daughter grow up, he'll never give me away if I get married. I went to work Monday and yesterday and it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I thought work would be a distraction but I was so upset even before I got to work. Some people at work were kind to me, just saying they were sorry for my loss. Others ignored me completely. I know that people didn't want to upset me but I much prefer to hear I'm sorry for your loss than the feeling of being ignored even though I got teary every time someone said how sorry they were to hear of my loss. I guess I'm rambling on a lot and I don't have any specific questions to ask people on this forum but I do have this need to share my experience with people who are going through bereavement. I'm finding it difficult to find someone to talk to about it. I have my Mum, but she is suffering too. My partner's Dad also died over twenty years ago and I thought that he would understand. He has been so good to me since but I don't feel any better. He also heard me sobbing uncontrollably yesterday and said he didn't try and comfort me because I needed to cry it out. He is at least partially right I do need to cry it out but I felt upset that he refused to comfort me. I know that my Dad was 76 and I know it would have been much worse if he was younger. But we had no idea he was so ill. We and my Dad had no time to come to terms with it as it was found so late. And loss is loss no matter what the age or whether it is known in advance or not if a condition is terminal. I'm so sorry for everyone on this forum (and everyone in the world) who has suffered a loss. My condolences go out to everyone x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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