Loss Of A Fiance And Interactions With His Family

[PattiR]

Three weeks ago today I lost my fiance to a massive heart attack. (No, this was not an expected scenario, but right out of the blue and like a very bad joke.) Needless to say it has been devastating. In the past I've lost both parents and my only sibling suddenly, but I handled all that so differently. My fiance's family is quite large...7 brothers/sisters and their spouses/significant others, his four children, two ex-wives, his widowed mother, and a gazillion neices, nephews, aunts, uncles, and cousins, and not to mention ALL his friends and contacts. He lived in basically the same area all of his life, so you can imagine the network that he had, whereas I came from a very small family and my roots obviously didn't run quite so deep shall we say...work and lifestyle for a number of years had me all over the country and Europe, etc. I'm coming to grips with the loss of all the tomorrows, plans, dreams, etc. that he and I had and appreciating what time we did have together...a blessing. My pain at the moment is the way his family has pretty much dismissed me. I understand their loss well from my own past experiences with my family over the past decade. I just don't understand why I'm being dismissed and treated like his and my relationship really never existed. Whilst he was alive they treated me like a member of the family and were kind, but now I'm nothing and not even contacted at all. I just don't understand. Am I seeking validation of the relationship? Am I an unpleasant reminder? Do they hate me for they feel that he spent more time with me the past months than with them before his heart attack? Has anyone else experienced this sort of craziness from the "other" family?

[Dusky]

Dear PattiR,

I believe what you are describing happens a lot. All I can do is relate my own experience and see if you can find some similarities in what your facing.

First of all I need to tell you I am gay – I mention that because sometimes people think that because you are gay you don’t need or develop strong family ties to your partners family – noting could be more untrue.

My partner and I were together for 27 years. We were very close and loving and very well accepted by both our families. What I am about to relate to you are in relation to my partner’s son who I helped raise since he was 9 – he is now 36. Both his father and his son and I were very close. I always felt like a second father – and at times I would be the one to be the more calming influence when issues arose. During my partner’s illness (10-months) and now since his death (5 months) there has been an ever so slow fading of the relationship that was so strong. First there was the problem with my partners son not being able to deal with his fathers physical deterioration – I eventually had to drag him to the table to ensure he spend some time with his father who was dying. Everyone deals with death and pending death differently but I witnessed a mature man pulling away from the death process. I did everything I could to involve him. For me I saw too little to late. His father stated – “even my son cannot stand to see me” – this broke my heart.

Even as his Father was in the process of dying there were plans being made (he lives in the same metro area we did) for him to quit his job - sell his house – and move back to where he originally came from 13 years ago. It was obvious that what was being planned was to leave this area as soon as his father died. That is exactly what is currently unfolding in my life now. My partner’s son is now running from not only the memory of his dying father but now from his death – and as far as I’m concerned – from me. I have a very close relationship with this young man – I love him. I told him exactly what he was doing – running from his fathers death – and away from the only other man who is a “real” father to him – the only one he has left. If I had died he would not be leaving his real father to run away. It really makes me feel like a second-class father – much less than what I had expected from a man I helped raise. It is very painful – and I have expressed these emotions to him.

My experience is that families – be they conventional or alternative life style families are often broken apart by the death of one person. My belief is that the problem often resides in the person’s inability to be able to deal with the grief that comes with the tragedy. This has certainly been the case in my story.

You describe being “dismissed”. I can relate to that feeling and can understand your pain. Just when you need the love and support of the people who loved your fiancé you are left to feel “less than a part” of the life of the man you loved. The reality is that you were the largest part of his life – the most important part – the one he wanted to spend his life with. You are not the problem - they are – and their inability to be able to adequately deal with his absence from their lives.

I am in counseling once every two weeks, will be joining a group grief session shortly, have ready numerous books on grieving (30+) since my partner died. Take advantage of some of the help that exists so that you can talk about this issue with people who will understand.

You are on the right track – you are grieving properly – you are going through your grief - and not around it. Your fiancés family is not doing any of the proper things to recover from his loss. You will survive – their path will be much longer and much more difficult.

I have the names and titles of numerous books on grieving – and would be glad to share this list with you if you so desire.

I hope some of this information has helped you.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

[Charlie]

Dusky,

I can so relate to what you are saying. My husband died 15 months ago from cancer and my second oldest daughter and her partner are still grieving. My daughter's partner asked me when my husband was dying, if my daughter died would she still be part of our family. Her mother and father have already passed away and I am the only mother she has now. I love her and my husband loved her like she was our own daughter and she has made my daughter more happy in her life now than she has ever been. They have been together for 12 years and she will always be part of my life. I cannot understand why when someone dies the one who is left is pushed away. That is when they need support.

Grace

[PattiR]

"You describe being “dismissed”. I can relate to that feeling and can understand your pain. Just when you need the love and support of the people who loved your fiancé you are left to feel “less than a part” of the life of the man you loved. The reality is that you were the largest part of his life – the most important part – the one he wanted to spend his life with. You are not the problem - they are – and their inability to be able to adequately deal with his absence from their lives."

John/Dusky...

Thank you for your affirmation that I am NOT the problem. I really needed to hear that as I've been blaming myself left and right.

It helps me tremendously to see that my situation is not unique, but then these are circumstances none of wished to have ever found ourselves. I've been well aware of the fact that a death can either blow a family apart or bring everyone closer together from my past experiences with same, but this has been just a bloody nightmare.

I've been making myself nuts as to:

"What did I do wrong in dealing with his family during this tragic time?"

"Did I suffer from a case of 'foot in mouth' disease in my shocked state?"

"Am I a reminder of their loss?"

I could go on here with the questions, but I shall cease and desist.

The sad part to all of this is that this is not what my fiance', Ed, would have wanted. He always told me that I could trust ALL these people and could go to them. I am so hurt. The one time in my life when I need a "family" around me, they dismiss me like an errant child. It is the most desolate feeling of nowhere to go and no one to go to in this situation. Yes, I have a few close friends, but they have their own lives. This is one of those times when I wish my father was still alive and he could make it all better, but, alas...

And I have spoken with two people in his hometown who were supposed to be considered my friends as well, but was treated so coldly. I have vowed to have no dealings whatsoever with any of the family or friends, nor make any overtures of any sort from today forward. I guess you could say that I know that I've go to cut and run. Time to close the door, even if it hurts. I really need to stop being so doggone reactionary, but it is so hard to control such feelings right now with all the sorrow and pain burbling madly just below the surface. My Ed would want me to be there for them at a time like this and I've offered such, but they don't want me.

My heart goes out to you with what your partner's son is doing to you. I hope that eventually he will come to his senses and embrace the compassion and love that you have for him. Be patient, John, and see how it all plays out.

As for your advice as to reading material, it is so appreciated, but next week I start in with a clinical psychologist to do a bit of grief therapy and take it from there. Now I'm not saying that I've not been reading, but have been reading AA's Big Book and there's alot in there that can be applied to my current situation. My Ed was in recovery and this month would have been his 10 year anniversary. I was very proud of him with his commitment to sobriety and his still going to AA meetings about twice a week.

The Serenity Prayer, or as Ed used to call it his "Sanity Prayer," is something that I really need to adhere to moment by moment in this situation. I need to practice what he used to "preach."

Again, John, thanks for your story and helping me feel a bit better, a bit more at peace. Your partner was a lucky man to have had someone like you in his life. You're a darned good guy!

Peace to you as well and a hug...Pat

PS: God gave us memories so that we could have roses in December.

[kayc]

Patti,

I am so sorry for your losing your husband. I lost my husband unexpectedly of a heart attack too, and it's a shock that is very difficult to assimilate. My husband was one of 11 kids, he was very caring, always helping everyone, yet only three siblings showed up at his memorial, even though most of them live within a couple of hours from here. His father didn't come and I've never heard from him. I've not heard from one of them since. So you're not alone. I have no idea why, I guess maybe they felt he was the connection to you and since he's gone, they don't have a connection to you any more. I don't know, that's all I can figure out. It's too bad, because you'd think they'd want to hang on to that connection all the more. I meant absolutely everything to my husband, so you'd think they'd honor that, like he would have wanted. But regardless, we had what we had and they can't add to it nor can they take it away. I have my memories and will always have a special place in his heart...when I get to heaven, I believe it will be me that he reaches for first...

As someone else voiced, it's not you, it's whatever they are dealing with. You still have your connection with your husband, you always will.

Oh John/Dusky,

You are not a second class father or a second class anything! I have read your postings, you are a very in-depth caring person and your Jack was so very very fortunate to have you in his life. I really believe your/his son will come around eventually...you may be right about his "running away" from his dad's death, but eventually we have to face and deal with things, they have a way of going with us. He cannot forget all you were to him! Kids can hurt, even our own biological children...sometimes it's really hard to undeerstand them. But we continue to love them unconditionally, and I believe that eventually, they will come around. But our whole point in loving them isn't so much to be loved back, although that is certainly what we hope for, but to teach and example them...and that you have already done. I pray for comfort for you...

[PattiR]

Patti,

I am so sorry for your losing your husband. I lost my husband unexpectedly of a heart attack too, and it's a shock that is very difficult to assimilate. My husband was one of 11 kids, he was very caring, always helping everyone, yet only three siblings showed up at his memorial, even though most of them live within a couple of hours from here. His father didn't come and I've never heard from him. I've not heard from one of them since. So you're not alone. I have no idea why, I guess maybe they felt he was the connection to you and since he's gone, they don't have a connection to you any more. I don't know, that's all I can figure out. It's too bad, because you'd think they'd want to hang on to that connection all the more. I meant absolutely everything to my husband, so you'd think they'd honor that, like he would have wanted. But regardless, we had what we had and they can't add to it nor can they take it away. I have my memories and will always have a special place in his heart...when I get to heaven, I believe it will be me that he reaches for first...

As someone else voiced, it's not you, it's whatever they are dealing with. You still have your connection with your husband, you always will.

Kayc...

Ed and I had not had the chance to marry, that was to be sometime in early summer after his next to last graduated from HS this coming June.

I think that if we had actually married back in early Nov. when we first started discussing our options, though his family and friends would have been screaming "too soon, too fast..you're in for trouble" things would have been handled quite a bit differently with me. We were just two people acting like normal adults and biding our time. No brownie points to be had there.

I've come to the conclusion that I just have to let it all go. It is their loss not keeping me in their lives. His family is from the lower rung of the "food chain" shall we say and I don't think that they know how to behave any differently. As we all know that the lower one is, especially here in the olde south, on the socio-economic ladder, the more they think that their fecal material has no odor. That is pretty much what I'm dealing with and just have to be sensible about the entire matter. I know that he would be in shock and totally disgusted with them for their treatment of me at this time.

I find that in being practical and sensible I no longer need their validation for what was between their son/brother/father and myself. Yes, it still hurts horribly to be dismissed in such a manner, and yes, I shall still whine about it occasionaly, but I know the truth and that is more than they will ever have. I am fortunate that I was brought up not to be so classless and that graciousness was to be exercised to the nth degree. I would have NEVER left any of his family feeling like this if the situation would have been reversed. Different breeding, different backgrounds....just that bloody simple. I will say that I am ashamed of and for them. And in many ways I still have a difficult time reconciling the fact that he was related to this redneck-whitetrash lot and he was so very, very different, not play acting, but being simply true to himself. (Ed used to call me "Lady Elizabeth" due to my background/pedigree/upbringing.)

Grief does very strange things to families and individuals, but I was not even remotely prepared for what I have had to deal with in the past weeks.

Indeed, Dusky/John, said it all and so succinctly in that it is not me, but them that are having the problems.

I can say that I had Ed's heart and held his soul. He died happy with his relationship with me and was so very well loved. I have no guilt whatsoever with this man as I told him on many, many occasions how appreciated he was for just being himself and thanked him profusely for loving me the way he did. I was so proud of this man for overcoming such severe problems in his life and told him that as well often. I don't think that there's anyone in his family that said anything like that ever to him, or rarely if that.

Thanks...Pat