Charlie

Dear Teny, I can relate to what you are saying. We too have a summer home and I go there alone now. It is so sad to try and enjoy all the things we planned on doing, relaxing together, reading a book, just being there together. Now I sit alone, but what has helped me when I go up there I take my laptop and I am trying to write a book for my children about the life their father and I had together (46 years). I think they will enjoy hearing things that maybe they were never told about some enjoyable times we had before they were born and when they were young and do not remember. It makes me feel so close to my dear Charlie and I gives me great pleasure to remember and write down things about the wonderful life we shared. I lost him almost 3 years now and his memory is still so fresh. Going to our summer place makes me feel so much closer to him because he loved being there. I hope you can find some peace when you go to your place. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

Karen, How much I relate to what you are saying. I too am in my 60's and spent all of my adult life with my husband, marrying at 17, together for 46 years. This lonliness is unbearable sometimes. I tried to move on with my life, got a job at my age and that helps during the day, but coming home at night to a empty home, eating dinner alone is so painful. My kids are busy with their lives and families so I don't like to interfere, but what to just shout out to them and the world sometimes, IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW LONLEY THIS LIFE IS. I try to keep on a happy face around them so as not to remind them of their dads passing but I don't think anyone understands this type of lonliness unless you experience it yourself. It will be 3 years this Oct and I thought by this point I would be so much better but there are still days I just want to die. I counted too on my husband to fix everything and now I just feel so lost when I need something repaired, of course my son does all he can for me but he has his own life and family to take care so I do not want to become a burden. A dear friend lost her husband a few years before me and I feel so guilty that I was not there for her more than I was, little did I know that I would be in that same boat a few years later. I feel very guilty that I did not understand, but I do now. Just nned to vent when I read your post, today, 4th of July a Holiday, I will spend it alone. How sad is that. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 - 10/20/04

Dear WaltC I see you are still here, like me, it is so hard to move on. It will be 3 years this Oct and I really do not know how I have made it this far without the love of my life. Like you I was married to my Charlie 46 years when prostate cancer took him from me. Spending most of your adult life with someone makes it so hard to function without them. I also feel like when the end was getting close did I tell him enough how much I loved him and how much I would miss him, I don't think so, I was so consummed with the fear of losing him I was numb and so scared to acknowledge that he was really dying, we didn't talk about it, we just dealt with the fear and the pain. I can so relate to how you feel today and how hard it is to deal with life. Your Jeannie like my Charlie, was my partner for life, I hope they knew how much we loved them. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 - 10/20/04

I wonder what people are thinking when they tell you to move on with your life, find someone to fill that void, travel, meet new people. What are they thinking ???? When you have spent the bette part of your life with someone who was your friend, your soul mate, your lover, your partner in life how do you just let someone else come into your life and fill that space. Thats not going to happen, that special something you had with your spouse can never be replaced. I was married for 46 years, to a man I knew since childhood, we were soul mates and I was never lonely when he was here. Now half of me is gone and trying to live life halfway is really sad. When people say find someone to fill that lonliness I just want to shout at them, I don't want anyone else to fill that void, I want my husband back. I know that is impossible so I just go thru the motions of life watching others laugh and find happiness while I watch from the sidelines as a outsider wishing I could be happy again too. I guess unless if happens to you one will really never know what it does to a person when they lose the one they love.

Kayc My prayers are with you and your friend. Going back to the place where we lost them is very painful. For me it is every time I visit my daughter as the time grew nearer my daughter who is a nurse wanted her dad and I to move in with her so she could care for him. She made a special place in her spare bedroom for her father and I to spend our last days together and each and every time I go to her home I walk into that room and say a prayer and talk with him. It is getting a little easier as the months and now years have passed but looking at the corner where his hospital bed sat and remembering those last moments still tug at my heart. God bless you for doing this for your friend Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 - 10/20/04

I have not enjoyed a holiday since I lost my Charlie. It will be 3 years this Oct 20th and I dread the thought of a holiday when it approaches. They used to be such happy times for us and we always made the day special for us and our children. After they all grew up and were on their own we still tried to get together as a family and do somethng special. Now I do not see my kids, they do their own thing and I go to work becuase I cannot feel any joy and just bring everyone down because I keep wishing and telling them I wish dad was here enjoying this day with us. I think my kids have moved on with their lives because it did not affect their day to day living but with me my whole life has changed and I am this different person trying to survive without him. I sometimes ask myself who am I now and what will become of me? I thought by now I would have made a new life for myself but the old life keeps creeping into my thoughts. When will this emptiness end? Grace ONLY YOU (Charlie) 7-1-38 - 10-20-04

Dear Walt, Like you I was married to my Charlie for over 40 years, this Feb 22 would have been our 49th wedding anniversary. And like you I cannot imagine myself with any one else, but each one of us get thru this in a different way and I applaude you for understanding this. We are all in this like the rest said, "a family" of lost souls trying to find our way back to life again. I know for me I will never marry again amd never have that kind of love in my life again, but each of us deal with the lonliness differently and if one finds love again I am so very happy for them and I know you are too. You have been a great friend on this site and a great support to many of us so you have nothing to appoligize for. Your friend Grace

It was around 3 am and my husband who was so weak we had to put our ears next to his mouth to hear him speak yelled very loudly, "MaMa your alive, your all alive" and then he left us and died a few hours later. I never knew what he had called his mother as a child since she died when he was 12 so I never met her. Our children called me mom so MaMa was not a name used in our home. When I called his sister to let her know he had died I asked her what he called his mom as a child and she said we all called her MaMa. I truly believed he saw his mother and other loved ones who had passed at that moment when his spirit left his body. I know he is somewhere waiting for me and we will be together again. Grace

Hi everyone, On Sunday night here in Phoenix I attended the Hospice of the Valley memorial services they hold every year to honor our lost loved ones. The service was beautiful and the picture memorial brought tears to my eyes as I saw the picture of my loving sweet husband up there on that big screen. I thought he should not be up there with all those people who have died, he should be sitting here with me. It was a lovely memorial and I want to thank Hospice of the Valley for doing this great honor to our loved ones. By the way, Dusky if you are still reading our posts on line, I did see your beloved Jack's picture and for a short moment he was remembered by a stranger. I say that because my husband always wanted to not be forgotten that he did exist here on earth and even if a stranger saw his name on a headstone for that moment he would be remembered. I remembered what Jack looked like from when you posted his picture here on this site several months ago. Just thought you all should know what a great orginization this Hospice of the Valley is, I could have not gotten thru the pain of losing my Charlie without their help. Thank you, Hospice of the Valley Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

Larrys girl, How your words seem like my words. Thats how I feel, eveyones life just moves on and we are left behind. My husband too was so brave, especially when he knew his cancer would take him, his only thoughts were how would I go on without him, he worried about what would happen to me. I guess him being brave came natural, his entire working career he was a firefighter, helping and saving others so when his own time came he still was concerned for some one else welfare. I too want him remembered, even my children sometimes go on with their lives and forget that my life has changed so much. We will be attending this Sat, the Hospice of the Valley memeorial service, we vow to make that a regular part of our lives so we will never forget what a wonderful person we had. Grace

Derek, I am so sorry that you are feeling so sad and we all can relate to that feeling of not belonging to life anymore. People are planning and enjoying life and we just exist, just waiting for the next day to come and hope that the pain will ease a bit, but another day passes and everything is the same, you are still alone, still sad, still empty inside. It has been 2 years and 2 month now for me and I still do not feel like part of society anymore. I wish I could find my place again, but I just don't feel like I am part of this world anymore, but I am trying real hard to fit in again. I had and I am sure you did too a good marriage and a purpose and what all of us here on this site need to do is find that purpose again. You have a son, make him your purpose to go on. Good luck to you Grace

Thank you all so much for your kind words. Everyone on this site is so caring and comforting. Most people don't know this pain unless they have experienced it themselves so putting my feelings into words and putting them here for people who know gives me peace. Thank you all, I have found friends in this life experience that I would have never known. God bless you all Grace

Hi everyone. Tonight I sit here alone, thinking about tomorrow morning, it will be the morning 7:45 Oct 20, 2004 that I lost the most important person in my life, my sweet Charlie passed while I stood at his bedside watching him take his last breath. He wanted so much to stay here with me so we could grow old together and we would laugh at how we would sit in our rockers and just be these 2 old people taking care of each other. Now I am here alone, thinking about all the wonderful years we did have and the 4 wonderful children who blessed our lives. I am sitting here feeling so alone and wondering how I have survived these past 2 years without him. I carry this heavy burden every day since that horrible morning and wonder if I will ever feel normal again. Thank you all for being here, when I am feeling especially low I come here and although I cry when I put down my thoughts, I know you all understand. Thinking I will not sleep much tonight, tomorrow will bring such sadness. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

Kayc you said it so well, that is exactly what I feel inside, this dull ache and this heaviness like your heart is too much of a burden to carry inside you. I wonder if this sadness inside will ever go away, sometimes it feels like the wound has healed but the scab still hangs on. Never really understood death the way I do today. Grace

Dear LindaK I am so sorry for your loss, and I know the pain is so deep right now. It is hard to realize that this has happened and that they are gone. I lost my husband of 46 years to cancer Oct 20, 2004 and this Friday will be 2 years now that he is gone. I want to tell you that the pain will go away, but that would be false, it does lessen and you are more able to cope with the loss. I still cry, but not as often, I still wish my old life was back, but not as often, I still want his loving, caring arms around me, but not as often, and I still miss him so very much. Just take it one day at a time, and you will be able to get thru this horrible life experience. I am trying to build a new life, but most of my life was with my Charlie so this is all so new to me also, but if an old lady of 66 can do it, so can you. My prayers are with you. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

'MOVE ON' I think that comment is the worst for me. How does one move on when they have spent their entire life with that person. From my parents home to being with him for 46 of my adult years and I am suppose to just MOVE ON. When someone says that to me with the added "you will find someone else someday" I just want to slap them upside their face and tell them you could never understand this loss until you experience it yourself. MOVING ON is not an option for me. Grace ONLY YOU (Our song says it all) 7/1/38 -10/20/04

Hi Patti, Missing Charlie, that would be me too. You and I with our Charlie's and now it it coming up on the 2nd year without them. Oct 20th and I will have been without my Charlie for 2 years. I have good days but there are still so many bad days where it is still so hard to know after all the years we had that I will never see him or hold him again. His fire dept helmet, his name plate he had on his desk at work, his T shirts with his name on them that my son now wears are all such reminders that these things are only memeories of his life that he will never need again. I thought after 2 years it would be so much easier but I now believe you learn to cope, but really never get over the emptiness inside. I will miss him until I join him, My Charlie Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

GOOD LUCK KAYC WHEN TIMES GET TOUGH THAT IS WHEN WE MISS AND NEED THEM THE MOST, BUT JUST KNOW THAT YOUR FRIENDS ON THIS SITE ARE PULLING FOR YOU. GRACE

The all alone, the lonliness, that is the worst part, missing them so much and feeling that the world is moving along doing its own thing and you are no longer a part of that world. Just don't feel like I fit in anymore, those people out there in the world are happy going about their business and I am in this grief place. Its been almost 2 years now for me Oct 20, 2004, thats the day my world ended. Without all the caring people on this site I don't think I would have made it without going crazy. Only people who have experienced this type of grief can relate. Others feel bad for you for awhile and then it Lets get on with out life. Easy for them to do, not so easy for us. Thank you all for being there, WaltC, John, Kay C, and all the rest. Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 -10/20/04

Derek, I know your pain because I lost the love of my life after spending all of my entire adult life with this man so I relate to how you feel, but as an older person whose children are all grown up and on their own let me give you some advice, cheerish these days you have with Carson, he is your Karen's legacy and all of sudden before you can wink an eye he will be all grown up too and moved away and you will look back on the years you missed giving him all the love and enjoying every minute of his life. Now that my Charlie, my childrens father is gone from my life I look back at those years and cherish every memory with had together as a family and wished I could have done more to be the best mother I could to them. It is so easy to take out your frustration and anger on your children for what life deals you but they are inocent and did not cause this pain so each time you want to be short with Carson or wish he was in bed or visiting his aunt think about that day in the future when he is no longer a major part of you life because he is off to college, married, or living in another state. Life is so very short, while you have them tell them you love them every day. God bless you, I know you are in pain Grace

Dear John, Your Jack's smile says it all. You were indded a lucky person to have such a person in your life and thank you for sharing his picture with all of us. My daughter has been with her partner for over 12 years now and they too share that special love that you and Jack shared. I am truly blessed that this special person, Danielle shares her life with my daughter because she makes her so happy and when I started reading your posts and thought how painful it would be if my Kelly lost her Danielle my heart just aches. My husband and I love her dearly and when he was dying Danielle held my husband in her arms and told him how much she loved him like a father, so I understand this special bond of love you have for your Jack. I also wanted to thank you for showing us Rainbow Bridge. I lost our Max, a Labrador a few months ago, he was very old, 17 years, and Charlie and him were buddies so when we lost Max I just knew he was greeted by my Charlie and Max was so glad to see him again. Take care John Grace

Dear Karen, I am so sorry for your loss, welcome to out healing place. We are all here to listen so vent, cry, say whatever you need to say, we all understand, we all have been and still are in that lonely place. I lost my husband to cancer Oct 2004 and I still miss him with all my heart, but I write to him often in my journal, and you are right it feels like you are still communicating with them and they see your words. It helps me a lot when I am feeling especially sad or lonesome for him, I usually am crying like a baby by the time I finish writing down the things I want to say, but the release of some of the pain in those tears helps me to face another day without him. Come here often, we all will listen. God Bless Grace

WaltC I am so glad that your operation went well and you are home recovering. We all missed you on the site and prayed for your speedy recovery. God was not ready to let you join your beloved Jeannie just yet, and we all still need your words of wisdom. Get well, Grace

John, That was a wonderful hearfelt tribute to the one you loved so deeply and that love shines thru in your words. I also believe that the grief will never leave us and we will carry that burden until we pass on, but we will learn to live life with this grief and carry on they way our loved ones would have wanted us too. I live also in Phoenix and I will try to read a copy of your tribute to Jack, this is a wonderful thing you are doing in his memeory. My husbands biggest fear of death is that he would be forgotten in time and it would be like he never was, I always promised him he would never be forgotten he would always live in my heart. Jack would be so proud that you honor him so much. God bless you, Grace ONLY YOU 7/1/38 - 10/20/04

Good luck to you Kay on your interview. I went back to work after being retired for 3 years after my husband passed just so I would not sit at home every day and cry. My job has helped me so much, but going on the interview, starting a new career, a position I had never done before and with a well known fortune 500 company, boy was I scared. But I did it because I knew Charlie was in my corner, watching me, helping me, every step of the way. I have been there now 16 months, Charlie has been gone 19 months so I fill my days with work so I will not dwell on the wonderful life I lost. Be brave, do this for George, he would want this for you. Good luck Grace