loss of my ex husband

[Harleyquinn]

October 2004 I met the most wonderful man

June 2005 we were married

Unfortunately things unraveled quickly. He had some major drug addictions and no matter how much I loved him- the drugs were always there. October 2007 we divorced and separated for a year. In 2008 we reconciled but that only lasted a year. The drugs were still there and it was just too difficult. We cut off communication but I never stopped loving him. 3 years after we split up for the last time I remarried. My husband is wonderful, but I could never love anyone like I did my ex husband. I always assumed at some point I would be able to talk to my ex again and talk through the issues we had to clear the air. 

I received word that my ex husband died. Cirrhosis of the liver from hepatitis c due to his long term use of intravenous drugs

My heart is broken. The grief I feel is more than I can take
To make it worse, I talked to his mother, and he never moved on...he literally loved me until the day he died and I never got to tell him I loved and missed him too.

I am totally broken between guilt and devestation.

[kayc]

I am sorry for all that you are feeling.  I have an ex-husband out there somewhere that I had to divorce because he got on drugs, but our situations differ because he never loved me, he was a Narcissist.  In spite of the fact that I knew he was flawed beyond anything I could help, I care about him.  According to Marriagebuilders.com, there is no hope for a marriage as long as the person is drug addicted or alcoholic.  You can't work with them to build something with that as a foundation.  The only one that can help them is them themselves.  They have to reach the point where they realize they need help and want it, and it takes professional help at that point.  The rest of us can "be there for them" all we want...to no avail.  I realize that knowing that does nothing to assuage your feelings of guilt, because it seems like our feelings often have a mind of their own and mere facts cannot phase them.  But I do hope that you are understanding and kind to yourself.

I also hope that you will be able to cherish the good in the relationship you had even while continuing to move on in the reality of your current relationship.  

I hope you will seek counseling to help you through this.  You say you can't take the pain...I hope you'll let another who is trained to guide people through the maze of grief, to help you with gather your perspective and be able to pick up the pieces.

You are welcome to continue coming here, it helps to be able to pour out your heart and express yourself.  You will find nothing but open arms here.

[Harleyquinn]

Thank you so much for your reply

I know my situation with him was different than a lot of ccouples who deal with drug issues.....I left because I couldn't stand to watch it.....but never for a moment did I doubt his love for me

I know the last two years of his life he spent with his mom and mended that relationship - so that brings me some peace....I just wish I had been able to do the same and just tell him one last time I loved him

His health, it seems, went downhill so fast In the 6 years we didn't talk. I was getting ready to find him and reach out to him to get all of this out which is how I found out he had passed two months earlier

Why didn't I just do it sooner....

Edited September 14, 2015 by Harleyquinn

[kayc]

Would it really have made a difference?  If two people love each other, don't you think they both know it?  It's not too late to tell him now.  His physical body is dead but not his spirit.  Energy doesn't die, it just changes form.  The love we have in this life is finite and jealous, but beyond the grave it's different, it's no longer selfish or jealous, but because of more knowledge, is more unconditional and accepting, it's deeper.  He would want you to have a good life, not be bound in sorrow and feelings of guilt.

[Harleyquinn]

I don't know if in the end it would have made a difference in the outcome

part of me believes, when things happen to you physically- you have to have the will to survive to beat it

what happened to Michael was, he was getting ready to go into surgery to have a procedure to help his liver function

berfore the surgery he ended up with an internal bleed and a collapsed lung as well as a fever induced by a virus

my understanding is, he was unconscious a lot of the time- but the day before he passed, he gained consciousnesses briefly- just enough to open his eyes...the next morning his organs began to fail and he passed

would me having contacting him prior to all this have made a real difference? probably not. I would have however, been able to be there and hold his hand through it (I absolutely would have)... i would have been there for that moment he opened his eyes; and maybe...just maybe.... his body would have wanted to fight a bit more (trust me, i know that part sounds crazy....)  

 

right now i live moment to moment. some moments my heart feels literally like it's falling apart in my chest...just pieces....and some moments, i feel calm and peace and happiness thinking about the memories we shared....I wonder if it's him bringing me that peace...but that feeling of peace leaves just as quickly as it arrives 

Edited September 14, 2015 by Harleyquinn

[kayc]

No, that doesn't sound crazy at all.  When my late husband passed, I wish I could have been there as he went, just to help usher him into his new world, but the hospital made me leave while they worked on him (heart attack).  I hope he understands I wanted with all my heart to be with him.

I think when we have a connection, it's never really gone.  I'm sorry your XH went through so much.  I have Cirrhosis of the liver even though I don't drink, it keeps me on the straight and narrow eating right, I know how serious it is! 

I'm sorry for all you're going through.  Try to have faith and believe you will see him again.  Meanwhile, I hope you're able to appreciate what you have today, in spite of your loss.  That is what has gotten me through the years since my beloved husband died.  Today I have deer in my back yard.  Today I have a wonderful dog and two cats that love me and need me.  Today I have a granddaughter I'm going to see in less than two weeks.  Today I have friends and sisters that I care for.  Today I have two children, that although I seldom see them, I know they'd grieve if that opportunity were removed from them.  Today I enjoy the beautiful countryside where I live. Today I will enjoy feeding the horses apples from my trees.

THESE are the things that keep me going.  That and knowing I will be with my beloved George again.  As for John (XH/Narcissist) I have to trust him to God's care.  God's already seen him through throat cancer, if that didn't wake him up, I don't know what will.  I don't know where he is, is phone is disconnected, but I have to give him over to God, who knows all about him and his troubled life.  I couldn't fix him, am not even sure he can fix himself.  We can only give it our best.

[Harleyquinn]

thank you so much for your replies... truly... sometimes I am so stuck in my own head that it is hard to gain real perspective through all this. 

i know guilt won't change what has happened

i know- a lot of this was caused by his own choices, which he made for his own reasons. Michael's issue was never loving me... Michael never loved Michael and that is where our issues lived. Maybe I should have been stronger...but it was too difficult for me to continue to watch him make decisions that were affecting his health

when we separated 6 years ago - although he had been diagnosed with liver disease he was, at least appearances, otherwise healthy.... and 6 years to me, is a shockingly short time to go from appearing to be healthy- to complete organ failure at 43 years old (I am 10 years younger- 33 years old)

Since I found out about his passing (I found out Wed Sept 9th, 2015... he passed July 1st, 2015).. I reached out to his mother- I was hesitant because I was not sure if she would be angry I had left.... but she was very happy i reached out... she knew we loved each other.....and I am thankful she has accepted back into her life where we talk on a regular basis, and is sending me a box of items from the memorial. 

as I mentioned, I have a wonderful husband who, although is in a bit of an awkward position (he and my ex husband got into at least one verbal argument when we started dating), has been very understanding of me reaching out to his family and receiving whatever they want to send- and although he is letting me grieve privately, does ask me several times a day if i am ok...  

Edited September 14, 2015 by Harleyquinn

[MartyT]

My dear, I'm so sorry for your loss, and relieved to learn that your husband is so understanding.

I hope you know that the feelings and reactions you are experiencing are normal ~ and you are not alone. In fact, someone has written an entire book containing "stories of life and grief when an ex-spouse dies".  

In hopes that it will aid in your gaining the real perspective you seek, I invite you to read Disenfranchised Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies

[kayc]

This says a lot about your current husband, what a sweet and supportive man he is!  He must really love you a lot.

Feelings can be complicated, and even though we might know with our head that someone isn't healthy for us to have a relationship with, we can still care for them.

My daughter had a friend that died in his mid twenties from liver failure due to his drinking (he was 24), I don't think anyone is immune.  He had warning signs but ignored them, he couldn't seem to stop drinking.

[Harleyquinn]

My dear, I'm so sorry for your loss, and relieved to learn that your husband is so understanding.

I hope you know that the feelings and reactions you are experiencing are normal ~ and you are not alone. In fact, someone has written an entire book containing "stories of life and grief when an ex-spouse dies".  

In hopes that it will aid in your gaining the real perspective you seek, I invite you to read Disenfranchised Grief: When An Ex-Spouse Dies

Thank you for the book recommendation! I will check it out. I think I need to read something that tells me that the process I am going through is normal. I read a lot of ex-spouse stories where they shared children- unfortunately Michael and I never did- but still his mother considers me family- for that i am grateful 

 

 

, I don't think anyone is immune.  

True- but a lot of people, especially me because I have been lucky enough up until now to not have had experience with someone close to me passing, tthink that we have forever. that's where most of my guilt is as you can tell....not using the last 6 years to mend...thinking I could get my life settled and then reach out to him whenever I was ready instead of using the time

 

[kayc]

I meant no one is immune to liver disease, no matter how young they are, like my daughter's friend that died at 24 from it.  David was in his 40s but it can happen even younger.  And my husband died from a heart attack at 51...he looked the picture of healthy, big and strong but a 32" waist, we just never know.

[Harleyquinn]

I meant no one is immune to liver disease, no matter how young they are, like my daughter's friend that died at 24 from it.  David was in his 40s but it can happen even younger.  And my husband died from a heart attack at 51...he looked the picture of healthy, big and strong but a 32" waist, we just never know.

agreed...i think this is a lesson learned hard.... not to plan for time we don't know that we have

[kevin]

Harleyquinn......My X wife  drove 750 Miles and was the second person to show up when my Angela passed on, just for support........When you break up the good/deep  feelings  you have for someone are with you forever. My wife was with me every minute for the last three years and there are still things I wish I did differently......... I think Guilt is part of the process, because we all feel it.......The whole drug addiction sickness is probably the disease of the century.....Alzheimer's is gaining fast... 

[Harleyquinn]

....The whole drug addiction sickness is probably the disease of the century.....Alzheimer's is gaining fast... 

until I was with Michael I was never really around drugs, it's bad....I've met so many good people just stuck in this circle of drug addiction 

My Michael was a wonderful man...but the drugs had him....

Edited September 15, 2015 by Harleyquinn

[kayc]

I'm sorry, I meant Michael, I don't know why I said David.  ??