Trying to do life

[Kpl48]

I finally decided to have my little house and my carpet professionally cleaned. After my husband died I was able to clean my house and carpet myself for several months. Since then, I haven't been able to do it. My husband and I did everything together, even cleaning and paperwork. Now when I try to do things I'm overcome with my grief. This has gone on for months.

My place looks neat and I do the most necessary paperwork. I just need a deep cleaning and to sort through my papers. The house cleaners will come Tuesday and the carpet cleaners will come on Thursday. Then I won't be alone while my home gets cleaned. I need to get a few areas cleaned up before they come. I'm going to ask a friend to come be with me while I do this; I'll offer to pay her.

I need this support right now. I can afford it so why not. However, I feel bad about being so needy. Emotionally I just can't face doing this stuff by myself. I'm going to get someone to do my small outdoor areas too. My husband used to do so much of this stuff. When I try to do it, it reminds me that he is gone. I cry and become unable to do it. I should be further along as he's been dead a year now.

When I'm alone at home I feel desperate. I wish I could feel better about being with myself. I do better when I'm out with people. I go out almost everyday. But when I get home the loneliness and grief is still there. Thank God for my dog. He is a great comfort and sometimes he's the only reason I keep on living. I'm in therapy and go to a grief group weekly. I'm trying to move on. Every day is such a struggle. 

How do you deal with house keeping, etc?

Kristine

[Guest]

Kristine-

I'm thinking about the same thing. My home is tidy but desperately in need of a deep cleaning. I start most days with good intentions but find excuses not to follow through. Outside is even worse. We have 3/4 of an acre with most of it in the backyard. I landscaped over the past twenty-seven years and Deedo did the maintenance/weeding/gardening. The ponderosa pines are losing their needles and the leaves will start to fall soon. I should be winterizing the yards but find myself hiking rather than working in either the house or the yard. 

Fall was Deedo's favorite season and I am struggling. 

Today I was really missing We and Us. We would have been hiking through the Fall leaves had life been different. 

[debi.williams]

Kristine, who says you should be further on after a year? Please don't put expectations on yourself a year is no time at all. You are able to go out and do some paperwork. these are small victories if you ask me. 

You are doing the right thing. if you can afford it then why not reach out and get all the help you need. You are giving people a job and you are getting the help you need so it is a win win situation. You must not feel guilty about getting the support, grief is emotionally AND physically exhausting and tackling the jobs you both did together is one hell of an emotional trigger that you can ill afford. It is only 3 months for me and lord knows I am getting MORE emotionally needy not less. I think it is the stark realisation that he is never coming back is making me panic inside I used to have a cleaner come twice a week when my husband was alive but I can't afford those visits so often so now she comes twice a month. I need her more but even twice a month is a huge help as I just don't have the energy with working too, to do it all alone. To be honest it is the emotional energy that is lacking. The small yard we have is getting overgrown. My husband did all of the maintenance of that and Winter is setting in. I am going to see if I can afford to get someone in to prepare it for Winter as I cannot tackle what my husband used to do so well. It is way too emotional. 

Brad can you get anyone to help you with your backyard? I can tune into Fall being Deedo's favourite season. The colours are so beautiful. I find it especially poignant though. As the leaves fall from the trees I am reminded that the year my husband passed will soon be over and I don't think I can bear it. He started this year alive and I will never again be able to say those words.

[kayc]

Kristine, Good for you for doing something positive for yourself!  Please don't think of it as "needy", because the truth is, you're grieving and this is all part of grief.  When my husband died, I couldn't go get groceries, my daughter had to do it, we had always done it together and it was so hard...I think we all have those things that are hard after they die.  I finally did start doing it, but at first she did it, and then I'd have someone go with me, and then finally progressed to doing it on my own.  Baby steps.

[Kpl48]

Thank you all for your help. I'm learning from you that my inability to do housework and some other things my husband and I did together is not so unusual. I've done a few things in the house today and took a really good bath. I dropped my nice clothes at the cleaners, even washable clothes because I don't want to iron! Tomorrow the house cleaners come. I feel anxious. I also feel very sad that my husband isn't here with me. I'll make it but it's so hard!

[debi.williams]

Kristine, you are making strides and you must give yourself a little pat on the back. I HATE ironing too (such a pointless thing!) so why not get everything done. Everything we now have to do alone - without THEM - is hard and emotional, but you are doing so well.

KayC I still find the grocery shopping a nightmare. My husband enjoyed it and now it has become a very emotional task for me and I strategically try and choose shops further away that we didn't frequent together. I so understand why it took you time before you could do it alone.

[kayc]

Yes, it was something we did together. My husband was second oldest of 11 kids and often went hungry.  Consequently, getting groceries was a very enjoyable task for him.  We'd make it a fun day, going to visit friends out of town, going out to eat, then getting groceries before driving the 50 miles home (the local store is way overpriced and bad produce).  He always bagged the groceries and would carry them in the house while I started putting them away.  We were a team!  He had so much enjoyment picking out things to buy...it was just really hard for me to buy them alone.  I've finally gotten over it, but it pained me for years.

[debi.williams]

Your shopping routine KayC sounds uncannily like ours except we didn't have to drive huge distances ! My husband had  never had any family to speak of (certainly not with him in adulthood) until we met. He had been a loner in a foreign country trying to carve a life for himself so when we met and then went onto have Max he saw himself as the provider in the sense that he would always buy in bulk! Consequently why buy one tin of corn  if you can buy a whole tray...same with many other things toilet rolls, tins of tomatoes always huge melons. I would joke and say if there was a siege or nuclear war we were well prepared!  He would park up outside the house and carry things in and I would be ready at the refrigerator to start the unpacking! Simple rituals that were not remarkable but oh how I miss it now KayC. That ritual we did 2 hours before he collapsed. I still cook enough for 3 and not 2. It seems mean and cruel to not have some food for him. I have to stop it soon though as we waste too much. It gives me hope you have gotten over the shopping pain. I doesn't help that I don't drive so it is physically demanding too although my wonderful son is a huge help with the carrying.

[Kpl48]

I had my my house professionally cleaned yesterday. They did a terrific job. They dusted, wiped, vacuumed, and deep cleaned. My house is very small so it only took 2 hours. I will have them come either twice a month or every 3 weeks until I can do more myself. I'm going to get someone to do my small yard. I also need my deck railing replaced and a vinyl floor installed. I do feel better now that I have help with cleaning my home. I just couldn't do it since my husband isn't here with me anymore. 

My dog is scheduled for surgery tomorrow to remove some growths on his skin. I'm anxious about him going under anesthesia. He had to go under several months ago to have some dental work done. He was just fine, so there should be no problems. He will have some stitches so I'm sure he will have to wear one of those collars. He should heal quickly. 

Your shares on this topic have included grocery shopping. It's hard for me also. I also can't bring myself to cook, so I buy healthy prepared meals. I'm eating less since my husband died. Going to the store and putting away the food reminds me of life when my husband was here. Driving in my car reminds me too. Everything reminds me. 

I cry throughout every day. I wish I could sleep all day because I don't remember him in my sleep. Instead I do at least the minimum every day. It's better when I go out and see friends. A good friend won't be available for a few days. She sometimes comes to my place and we go to the pools in my resort. Maybe I'll be able to go to the pools by myself soon. There are usually people to visit with at the pools. Being with people helps me to not think of my husband so much. 

[kayc]

Debi,

How do you get groceries if you don't drive?  Do you walk or take a taxi?  It was hard for me to get used to cooking for one.  I loved cooking for George, he loved and appreciated everything I fixed!  It lacks it's luster now that it's just me, but I have developed a new attitude towards it, that of nurturing and taking care of ME.  I cook now and I have to put some in the freezer or else eat on it for a few days in a row.  

 

Kristine,

I'm glad you got your house done!  I wish I could afford help with this place, the yard needs it, also some repairs/maintenance.  Someday!  I wish you the best with your dog's trip to the vet tomorrow, let us know how he does, okay?  My dog gets little growths too, so far I'm just keeping an eye on them as it would be a major ordeal to put him under (he's between 132 and 140 lbs).  They don't make collars that work on him either, the last one I bought he could just reach around because of his long legs.  $34 down the drain!  I gave it to someone with a shorter dog.  

[Kpl48]

My dog, Fonzie, came through his surgery just fine. The vet removed four cysts. We go back in under two weeks to get his stitches out. 

Kristine

[kayc]

I'm so glad!  I hope he's doing okay with his collar!