Too soon for plans

[kayc]

Margaret, forgive me if you've already said, but are you seeing a Grief Counselor?  One who specializes in grief?  That's probably be the first place to start.  Also, seeing your doctor and letting him know that you are being hit hard with grief and it is producing panic attacks...let him know the connection.  It could be an anti-anxiety medicine might help you through this time but I'd caution you against anything addictive as this is a grief situation, not a "condition" for the rest of your life.  You will gradually begin to adjust, but it will take time and effort, and a Grief Counselor can help you through that process.  You are so early on, I don't think you can have any real expectation of yourself.  Right now it's enough just to remember to brush your teeth and eat/drink something!  At this point in your grief journey it looks like you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but eventually you will begin to make your way through it.  Before filling any Rx the doctor might give, google it or talk to him about the side effects.  I am on a low dose of Buspirone (Buspar) and it's been great for me because it is non-addictive, doesn't make me a zombie, doesn't seem to have any side effects on me, it just takes the edge off, keeping anxiety attacks at bay.  I do still get some anxiety on occasion, usually in the middle of the night when my brain won't shut off, about once a week...I can tolerate that.  I had not only situational anxiety, but GAD, so will be on it for life.

Meditation is a great help too.  It may be too early on for you to learn to practice meditation, but perhaps if you start with short simple exercises.  There's much about that on this site, in the tools section.  At a couple weeks out I had a hard time concentrating on anything, focusing, so that might be challenging right now.  Soft soothing music, pets, taking walks, all helps calm a person.  Do you have someone to talk to when you get worked up?  I found it helped, but I also found friends quickly disappeared after my husband's death and I didn't want to over-burden family.  Tough!  God only knows what I put my sisters through.

I'm Baptist too and I feel we're kindred spirits.  I, too, love nature, and find God mostly through it...that's why I live in the country (the mountains in Oregon).  I love the tall evergreens and the vine maples, I love the elk and deer, I love all of the wildlife and nature.  I love listening to the creek roar in the winter (the drought has it down to a trickle right now).  It is in creation that I feel at one with myself...and with God.  Don't sweat it if you feel far from God or unable to pray...that is common in early grief, I felt that way largely for the first year.  He's not gone, He's carrying you, it's grief that overwhelms and overshadows everything else, the fog will dissipate.  It's okay to feel what you feel, your faith will carry you even when you doubt it.  It is that under-girding strength that abides us, even when we feel our weakest...perhaps especially when we feel our weakest.

You're in my thoughts and prayers, especially as you seek help for your anxiety. 

[kayc]

 (And, if I sound brave, I had 1/2 Xanax about 3 hours ago).

  I love it!

[Margm]

I am about to venture out to the city closest to us.  I will be going by myself.  I have Billy's three favorite hats sitting on the passenger side and I will talk to him while I drive.  I drove us home from the big hospital in Little Rock at night and he did hold on for dear life.  At one point someone had hit a deer and I ran over it, over a hill, and had to make sure it was not a person.  He just held on to all the things to hold onto while I drove.  I don't drive nights, this was night.  Mount Ida is a small village of 1000 people.  I don't do I-630, I-430, or I-30 very confidently.  He was so glad to get home that night.  Me too.  Well, I will venture on.

[kayc]

Good luck, Margaret, drive safe!  I love the image of his three hats sitting next to you while you drive.  He's still holding on.

[Margm]

I will say that i went to  deposit money from an anonymous source, and that is how he prefers to stay.  He got to know Billy over the summer and they talked often.  I joined in with them and we had a lot of laughs.  He found out about Billy's passing and sent a very large donation.  I am not late with my bills, so I was not timid about telling them I might have to double up on my bills.  I knew I would get my check, and it helps, but Billy's is by far the largest.  And, do you know the doctor held of signing the death certificate until this morning, nearly two weeks later.  Office girls had just put it back and if the funeral home had not called them there is no telling when it would have been signed.  I had called them last Friday and they were going to "get right on it."  To tell you the truth, bills, food, living were the last things on my mind.  When this fellow would not let me pay him back, well I just got chills that would not quit.  It was almost like Billy talking to me.  Billy did not believe in supernatural things like ghosts, etc.  I sure wished he had.  I believe in all sorts of weird things.......except myself.  I think it is in Hebrews about entertaining Angels unaware.  This man was our Angel, and I still get chills thinking maybe Billy sent him.  Whether he did or not, I will pay my bills on time and the funeral home has the cremains and the death certificates.  Cutting his phone off my cell service was so traumatic.  Yep, some tears today.  But, I drove, and I even stopped at KFC, though could not eat much.  Time heals all wounds, so we have been told.  I somehow think this will be a large gaping hole in my heart forever though..............okay, I am feeling sorry for me.  

[kayc]

I am glad you are being looked after  You're right, we have so much on our minds, the last thing we need is worrying about money.  It doesn't sound like someone is looking after you.  I have felt this myself, but the reminder is positive reinforcement.  

[Margm]

I have been trying to take care of one piece of business each week day.  I know some of you understand this, but money, paying bills, food, just plain being hungry are things I was not worried about.  Slowly, I am beginning to realize the world will not keep moving for me if I do not do these things.  We both retired from the state of Louisiana.  They were sent papers on the 26th of October and they should have received the official death certificate (certified) yesterday.  I called this morning and got a snippy little fellow (oh, he could have been seven feet tall, but to me he was three feet tall.).  I know you have had these people who answer the phone with their voice, read off what they are supposed to say, and then tell you "have a good day."  So, I told him "no, I will not have a good day, just because of you."  I did not curse (I wanted to call him names.)  I know he just has a job to do, and bless his heart, he probably works for the state also.  Anyhow, and this is an observation, I think the most heart friendly people are of the black race, and they always say they will pray for me.  Not snippy people, but real human people.  

I took care of two things today.  I ordered five death certificates, had no idea how many to order.  Later someone said order 10.  I think that should be closer to the amount to order, so I will go over to the next county and order them tomorrow.

I am finding things out about myself.  I am finding that I might not be able to drive an RV.  Billy and I were going to do this together.  I am sure he would not find fault with me  if I went back "home" to our home parish in Louisiana.  No plans yet.  My widow friends tell me to pack all of his things in the plastic boxes, don't go through them yet.  Move them with me and in a year or so, no definite time, I will be able to go through his things.  Billy was a very obsessive person.  He kept writings and figures of fly line width, weight, different methods, etc.  Things I am not interested in, but he kept notebooks of these figures and for his photography too.  I cannot throw them away, even if he is not coming back.  And, I realize he is not.  But I cannot throw them away either.  All his fishing equipment, I will keep.  Mama used to tell the story of the dog in the manger who would not let the other animals eat the straw, even though he could not eat the straw.  Possibly, one of these days I will discover my senses.  Right now they are covered up.  

[kevin]

Margaret, I made a list for all the items I had to take care of and a utilized a Binder with dividers to organize myself. I got 6 marriage certificates(certified copies) and 10 death certificates.......keep originals under lock and key.......But every night in my Journal(Diary), I list what I accomplished and what I have to do the next day..............I am on my 15th week now and do not expect to have this completed until first week of December......and Income tax early next year........Your focus on something each day is commendable, sounds like you have a handle on things..................... On the somber side, I am putting together a "kit" for my son, to make things easier for him when my time comes....... 

[Margm]

I have to change the beneficiary on my insurance too Kevin............something else to do.  Oh, those extra death certificates make 10 in all.  I only ordered five at first and the funeral home kept one.  They will not come in for two weeks.  Sounds about right.  I'm not going anywhere right now.  I think I want to go back home to Louisiana though.  That is where our life began.  The last 18 have been spent in Arkansas and I really don't want to be where our life ended.  His roots are in Webster Parish, so are mine.  They have been forever.  My folks were some of the first settlers and his were too.  It won't be the same, but I will feel desolate where ever I am and I can be desolate around my friends and relatives.  

Edited November 4, 2015 by Margaret Mims
Revise

[kayc]

I think I ordered ten, I still have some left.  Maybe I'll send one to each of his kids someday.   Most people just wanted to see or copy them (which is illegal) and didn't need to keep a copy.

[Guest]

When I first moved back to Pinetop after Deedo died, I was a man on a mission.  It lasted about three weeks and then came to a screeching halt.  I've taken care of little since.  Just notified the County elections today.  Need to change the deed to the house as it's joint tenancy but keep finding excuses not to.  We were pretty organized for the kids in case we both went together (if only) so it won't take much but do need to redo POA, Medical POA, Will but am not in huge hurry as they all contain secondaries.

[kayc]

It's hard taking care of this stuff.  Even if you were "efficient" (I always was), the fact that it has to do with her death makes it way harder.