Helping my dad (mom just died)

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

I wrote a long thing in the losing a parent section for myself, but I ended up getting an error message after typing for about 45 minutes. I'll get to myself later in that forum.

My mom died kind of suddenly December 23rd at the age of 59. I say "kind of" because she had stage four breast cancer, but when it took her, it was painfully fast. She was self-sufficient and waiting for her next chemo one day, and then dead a week and a half later. It's been sooo harsh. My dad asked me to move back in for a while to help him, especially with my 17-year-old sister. He's an old-school, awkward, not the best with emotions sort of guy. In some ways, I feel like my older brothers would be better equipped to help because they're men, but two of them don't live here and the other one is off in his own world.

Dad and Mom were married for 41 years, a couple for 43. I hate to see him a widower at only 60, not the least because we lost such an amazing and loving woman. I know it happens with people MUCH younger, but it still seems like too young to lose your life partner. He's told me he doesn't want to date at all. Mom's dad died at 52, and her mom said, "I had the best. Why settle for less?" She never remarried and lived another 28 years. Dad says he feels the same way because Mom was literally the best person he or I have known. We're getting a bit closer just through this nonsense because out of my six siblings, I'm handling it by far the worst. She was my best friend.

Anyway, my dad is just falling apart. Saturday was the one month mark. My sister and I both went to the cemetery to leave flowers and "talk" to Mom. Dad was going to, but he couldn't bring himself to. I understand that; I almost crumpled to the ground at her grave site. He told me that night that he doesn't want to do anything without Mom. He went to the movies by himself and nearly left, he was so sad. Originally he said he just wanted to be there for his kids and grandkids and focus on that. He said he felt Mom told him to do that somehow. Saturday night, though, he said all he wants to do is just sleep, eat and go to work. He's so lost and so sad. I'm devastated over the loss and she was just my mom, so I can't imagine the weight this has on him. It's just unimaginable.

Since I'm moving in, what should I do to help? I like talking about her a lot because it helps me to keep her "present." Should I avoid doing that? When you lost your spouse, what did you need? What helped? What sorts of things have  your kids done that you appreciated? What didn't  you appreciate? I know everyone's grief is very personal, but I just want to help my dad. I am so worried about him. He's the only parent I've got now.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your mom, and your dad lost his beloved wife.  It is a hard thing to try and adjust to when they were your world.

My mom appreciated my talking to her about my dad, after we lost him.  She outlived him by 33 years.  My beloved husband has been gone 10 1/2 years and I hope I don't have to live that long without him but probably will.  I try not to think too far into the future.  I wouldn't avoid talking to him about her, he may appreciate it, but rather take your cues from him, as everyone handles it differently.  What brings one person comfort causes another one pain and vice versa.

Me, I needed to talk when my husband died, and my friends disappeared, but my sisters and kids were only a phone call away.  I remember going through the first of everything without him and by the time I made it to Easter I major rebelled, I could NOT do another "first without"!  My kids were understanding.  We skipped Easter that year, no one mentioning it.  We had a "non-holiday" family dinner the next weekend and no mention was made of Easter.  Their understanding was so appreciated!  I also appreciated them talking to me about him, sharing stories, both humorous and poignant.  It helped to know I was not in this loving and missing him alone.

You are a very sweet daughter and I'm sure your dad appreciates you very much, even if he isn't one to put things into words.

[Guest]

Dear Daughter -

I am so sorry you have a need to be here at all.  What you are going through is the most difficult thing you will face.  What you have written could have easily been written by my daughter regarding her mother.  That is what resonated with me.  Your dad has just started a long and very difficult journey.  I am five months ahead of him and yet everytime I feel I am making progress, grief slaps me back down into a blubbering mess.  You ask about what you can do.  First take your leads from your dad.  He will let you know what he needs and you need to understand what he needs will change frequently.  There will be times he'll want to talk about your mom and other times he won't be able to.  I would recommend finding a good grief counselor if you haven't already.  You can both use the counselor at this time.  Additionally look for grief support groups and encourage your father to go.  If he won't go yourself.  You have lost your "Best Friend" and need support yourself.  The best thing you can do is to be there, to listen and to take your lead from your dad.  It process of grief is a very challenging and changing reality with very few rewards and lots of pitfalls.  Read through many of the posts, they will help and visit her frequently.  Best wishes.

[Guest Janka]

Dear daughter,

I remember my father dying in front of me because of the gullet cancer he found out just 6 months before.I was only 22 years old and was the last one he saw then.You´re lucky of having so big family that I miss so much.I´d do anything to have them in my life now,because it helps to do not feel so alone.I´m very sorry for your precious loss and hold you close to my heart.Everyone of us is here for you to be such a comfort and support as you need now.Please,take care!

With love Janka

[MartyT]

How kind of you to be looking for ways to help your dad, even as you yourself are mourning the loss of your dear mother. I am so very sorry for your loss.

In addition to the wise advice you're receiving from our members, you may find these articles useful:

Helping A Grieving Parent 

Helping Another in Grief

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

Thank you for your suggestions! I really appreciate it! <3

kayc - I'm so sorry you've been without your husband for so long. I'm glad your kids were there for  you. The non-holiday dinner sounds like a great idea! I'm trying to encourage my brothers who aren't here to text and call as much as they can and trying to make plans with my little sister, dad and me. I hope we can be there for him like your kids were for you. My dad was talking about how his friends have mostly been nonexistent, too. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Fortunately, he has one high school friend who knew both him and my mom in their school years, and he's been a solid buddy for decades. He was the best man at their wedding. I've even met him before, though he doesn't live here. He's asked my dad to head down to visit him in a month or so for a break. I'm glad he at least has him.

Brad - I'm so sorry you're dealing the loss of your partner in crime. I seriously can't even imagine, and my heart goes out to you. Thank you for the advice. I try to "test the waters" because I don't know him as well as I knew my mom. I'd have a better idea of how to help her if Dad had gone first. A social worker friend gave me some information about grief groups that are here locally. I'm planning to go to one at some point. I just work a lot, so it's hard. To help myself, I've found stories from other 20 somethings who have lost their parents. I only know a set of cousins and two other people my age who have lost a parent. Hearing my coworkers talk about their moms annoying them drives me nuts. Hearing middle-aged coworkers talk about seeing their moms just makes me sad. It's nice to know other people my age who are dealing with it or who dealt with it when they were in their 20s.

I told Dad about a widowed persons group from the list I received. I said I figured it would probably be a bunch of old ladies. (just joking around to lighten the mood) He said he prefers to talk to us and my mom's sister. Her husband died of cancer a couple of years ago, and it's obviously still throwing her for a loop. Losing her little sister not too long after is not helping. I think having someone who loved Mom lots to talk to is helpful for him. He also told me I should email her.

janka - Thank you. I'm so sorry you lost your dad, and so quickly, too! My heart goes out to you!

Marty - Thank you! I'll check out those links!

I know a big reason I'm focusing on helping Dad is because it makes me feel like I'm carrying on for Mom, looking after the man she loved and looking after the child she wasn't able to finish raising. She told me when she got sick to help my dad out with my sister if she died. One of the last things she said to my dad and me the last time I was able to talk to her was "take care of each other." Carrying on the with the love infusion that Mom gave us makes me feel closer to her. Honestly, it's just a way to focus on something else, too. I cry too much when I'm not occupied, even when I am occupied.

I have sort of a weird question, too. With Valentine's Day coming up, do you think I should do anything to distract him or give him something that reminds him of Mom or just completely ignore the day all together? I've been rifling through Mom's diaries, and there are a lot of really loving things she said about him. Should I use an occasion like that or their anniversary to share those with him? Or is that a terrible idea that would make him too sad? I love reading about nice things she said about me in them, but I could see how it would be too hard to read for some.

[kayc]

I wouldn't make a big deal of those days because it's no longer the same for him as it once was.  BUT I would not ignore the day either as if bringing it up would cause him pain.  He will not forget or be able to forget those days and they will be on his mind whether you bring it up or not.  Perhaps plan something with him (go out to dinner or make it for him?) so he is not totally alone all day and to show you are thinking of him.