No one "gets" it

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

I'm 29. Of every single person I know in my personal life who is close to my age, apart from my siblings, I know ONE person who has lost their mom at this point. I don't know anyone sub-40 who has lost their mom, other than that person. It honestly puts me near tears when I hear my friends and coworkers talking about seeing their moms or speaking on the phone with them. When they start complaining about how their mom is always bugging them, I almost want to throw something at them. "Your mom is still here! Talk to her, relish her, you butt!" None of them get what this feels like. I can't talk to anyone and have them understand. A few of my peers, without saying so, seem to think I should be "over it" by now. It's only been two and a half months. I look at old ladies and just get mad that Mom won't ever get to be one. I look at middle-aged women with their moms and get upset that I don't get to have that.

I have a 70-year-old coworker whose mom just died and a 60+-year-old coworker whose dad just died. His mom is still healthy. They say they understand what I'm going through. To some extent, obviously they do. They miss their parents and are missing a portion of their heart, too. But they're both grandfathers. They have their own families and their kids have families. My childhood family is still "my family," since I don't have one of my own. So, essentially, my "family" has been shattered. I don't really have an intact unit anymore. The best part of my family is gone. It's kind of difficult to talk to a guy who's old enough to be my grandpa and one who nearly is about this loss. They had more than twice the years with their respective recently-deceased parents as I have. I'm not taking away from their grief at all because I know they must miss their loved ones so much, but it's a completely different situation. My mom was also my very best friend, which isn't the case with most people. It wasn't with my coworkers.

I'm so glad there are other young people here who are going through the same thing and who were so close with their moms. If I didn't have the internet, I wouldn't know what the heck to do. Thank you for sharing your stories so I at least don't feel so ridiculously alone in this.

[willow87]

I totally understand. I'm 38 and many of my friends  still have their mom. Unfortunately ,  no one can truly understand  until they have experienced  the pain that we are going through. A friend who lost hismom 3 years ago told me that I now belong to a club  no one wants to be a part of, but everyone  will. Those first few weeks I felt like you. It hurt  to see people with their moms, it hurt to see  older women  because  I thought  it was so unfair  that they were still  living while my mom was gone. There is no way you should be over it after two months. In fact, I am convinced  that we will never get over the death  of our mom. I know people who lost their  mom decades ago and they still long  for them. I cannot  fathom getting over a person  who made me the woman I am. I will never be the same.

[kayc]

I lost my mom 1 1/2 years ago, my dad 34 years ago, but I think you always miss your parents no matter how old you are.  My dad missed everything in my life, the birth of my children, seeing them do well in school, marry, my son serving his country.  He never got to know the love of my life that I didn't meet until my 40s (who has since passed).

My mom lived to 92, but even though she lived a long life and I don't feel bad for her, she got to go be with daddy finally, I miss her.  My kids are grown, I'm alone, and I really understand now how my mom felt after losing my dad.  I feel like history is repeating itself.  So often I want to call her or take her to lunch, but she's not there.

[Mom's angel]

5 hours ago, DaughterOfAnAmazingMom said:

I'm 29. Of every single person I know in my personal life who is close to my age, apart from my siblings, I know ONE person who has lost their mom at this point. I don't know anyone sub-40 who has lost their mom, other than that person. It honestly puts me near tears when I hear my friends and coworkers talking about seeing their moms or speaking on the phone with them. When they start complaining about how their mom is always bugging them, I almost want to throw something at them. "Your mom is still here! Talk to her, relish her, you butt!" None of them get what this feels like. I can't talk to anyone and have them understand. A few of my peers, without saying so, seem to think I should be "over it" by now. It's only been two and a half months. I look at old ladies and just get mad that Mom won't ever get to be one. I look at middle-aged women with their moms and get upset that I don't get to have that.

 

This are my exact feelings. 

There is no one even in the far relatives who have lost their mother at such young age. 

Your reaction on seeing old ladies is the same way I feel when I see them, 

Especially when I see middle aged women with their mothers.

I was 20 when I lost her, 3months have gone by.

They caring voice, the friendly talk, joyous smiles, uncontrollable laughter are all missing from my life. 

I'm dying to hear my name from her, they way she called me,.I miss her. 

I know how it feels.

 

[Dave58]

Every once in a while in my sleep, I can hear her. She was from England, British accent. It's so clear, like she's right there. I

see kids taking a walk with their Moms around the sidewalk of my house, knowing one day they well have to say goodbye.

I also have a greater respect for older ladies, when I do see them, shopping with their daughters in the grocery store. Their

daughters are with them, helping them. I never had kids myself, or ever got married, or any really deep relationship, other

than with family. I wonder what it well be like when I reach that age, if I do. I'll have nobody other than nephews. People don't

realize how precious their Moms really are till they leave. It's a unique relationship that goes to the heart of being a human being.

[ChinUp54]

I'm so sorry you lost your mother so young.  My ex-BF lost his mother just over a year ago and stopped contact with me just recently.  We are in our 50s and both have experienced losses.  My father passed away nearly 5 years ago and I'm fortunate to have had him as long as I did.  Reading through the posts here I realize how I may have said some things to my BF about my own mother that left him feeling the same as you, and I had no clue at the time.  I was simply venting and not considering the affect my words may have had on him.  My mother and I have always had a turbulent relationship.  While for the most part her heart is in the right place, she often says very hurtful things without realizing it.  I always say she has no filter, but it appears I may be guilty of that myself.  But, she is still here with us to drive me crazy and then out of the blue say something so complimentary and out of character for her that she blows me away.  I know the day will come when she too passes on and I will miss her. Thank you for your insight as to how my own words may have affected others.  I plan to do better going forward.  I wish I could take some of your pain away.  Hugs to you all.

[DaughterOfAnAmazingMom]

willlow - I can't fathom getting over the loss of the woman who made me who I am, either. That's a really great way of putting it. So much of what I am is because of her. She was the most amazing role model: kind, loving, selfless, and never taking anything too seriously. Any good part of my personality came from her. My humor, any loving behavior I show, my desire to help people... that's all from watching my mom. I was always so happy when she was proud of me. It hurts that I can no longer see the pride in her eyes when I do things that she would be happy about. That source of encouragement and love that can only come from a mom... holy crap, do I miss that. I miss returning the favor of all of her thoughtful gestures, too. I loved making her smile and making her happy since that's what she infused my childhood with... smiles and happiness. She was the one person who really "got" me. 

kay - I'm so sorry the loss of your mother is so fresh, too. I don't think age determines how sad we are about losing our parents. I think it comes down to how close we were with them, more than anything. Since your father and husband died young, maybe you can relate to this: I think the reason it's a tougher situation to deal with when you lose someone too soon is because your sadness isn't just about missing them. Your sadness is also rooted in the devastation that they got screwed out of decades of life. Mom should have had at least 20 more years. It sounds like your dad and husband should have, too. Half of my tears are reflecting on how short-changed she was. At least if someone lives a long life, it's the natural order of things when they're gone. You can be happy that they lived a full life.

If they die too soon, you're just pissed that they didn't get that. They should have been able to experience so many more things! And then there's the selfish side of it - You also got screwed out of decades with a person you hold very dear. They should have been in your life for many, many more years. There should have been more memories, more holidays, more family gatherings, more inside jokes. I don't know if that makes sense. We all miss our parents no matter what and no one's grief is any worse or better due to their age, but when they don't get a full life, it just isn't fair. It isn't fair to them, their spouses, their kids, their siblings, sometimes even their parents, if they're still around. I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm just yakking. 

Mom's angel - You're even younger than I am. I can't imagine dealing with this loss right after reaching adulthood. I'm so sorry, and I've thought of you often while reading this board. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Dave - I agree, mother relationships are so strong and so important. For many, it's probably the most important relationship they've got. If you haven't had a family, either, you can relate to what I said earlier. Our childhood family is our family, and moms are the center of it. I've dreamed of my mom, too. Not in a cool visitation dream, but it's nice to "hear" her voice in my dreams. I had a dream the other night that I was on some trip with my dad and brothers. I stopped for a minute to tie my shoe, and they were gone. I thought, "Oh no! I'm alone!" Then Mom showed up and smiled at me. It made me happy and also really sad. Do your dreams make you happy or just bum you out?

ChinUp - I'm sorry about the loss of your father. And I don't think you have to feel bad for saying certain things. You had no way of knowing. I had no idea what this was going to be like and am completely thrown for a loop. The sadness and longing is INTENSE. When I thought of Mom dying, I figured I'd be sad for a few months, but it would ease and I would be left with small feelings of missing her. Now, I don't think the sadness will ever completely go away. She was the most important figure in my life for 29 years. And now she's just gone. She'll never come back. That realization is so harsh and devastating. Until someone gets there themselves, it's hard to know. <3

[Ceili]

I think that the age you lose a parent can be compared to the age you lose a child, a spouse (this I don't know yet), a sibling a friend.. They are very different losses. still hurt like hell, just for different reasons.  My first loss was that of one of my two best friends at age 17. It was incomprehensible, not supposed to happen. The three of us were inseparable. We lost the time we had together, but also our future and our innocence.  I lost a daughter at 6 months of age (from a heart defect), one at birth, and had a 14 week miscarriage. Each of those losses was different from the other, but again. all involved the loss of the future, and with my 6 month old, watching her suffer I would never see them go off to kindergarten. college, get married, have a child of their own. I joined a group for those who had lost children. Again, everyone's loss was different (some had other children, some didn't, some lost a 30 year old, others a baby) but we had all lost a child. And as the tragedy of losing a child often does, some of us wound up divorced, others closer together. With parents, it is the same thing I think. I feel so badly for those of you who have lost your mom or dad at a younger age. I know that you might feel jealous that I had my dad and mom so long and you have a right to that feeling. (To this day, I still feel an occasional twinge of jealousy when I see a mom with her child no matter what the age.) I don't totally understand what your losses feel like, but I can understand the loss of a parent. My dad died 10 years ago, my mom a year ago at age 87 (I was 57). I was so close to my mom as she guided me through all of my earlier losses, and was my best friend especially after my first husband ran off with someone else. What a guy! When you lose an elderly parent, you sometimes have a role reversal. The years caring for my mom was almost like caring for another sick child. It was painful to see her fade away. I lost her while she was alive. I am glad she is finally at peace, but still feel the same overall feeling....I lost my mom. I do know that I was blessed to have her see me get my nursing degree, get married (twice), lucky to have her support as I buried my friend and my children. I feel badly  for those of you who mourn the fact that your parents won't be there for the good things (and the tough ones) that  life holds. But my heart also goes out to all of us who are grieving. Ouch. Peace.