It's Now Imminent

[T2Logan]

I know i had an original post that I was updating, but I wanted to create something separate for the moment. I need "someone" to vent to at the moment and feel entirely alone. I can't sleep, even with anxiety meds. Please be aware I will be sharing some symptoms she is displaying...I just wanted to warn you first for those that may be bothered.

 

 

 

I'm currently sitting near my mom just listening to her breathe, the apnea, the sounds that are associated towards the end. I don't know if I'll be able to forget that, or her facial expression, the glaze in her eyes looking through me if they open at all, seeing her when she rallied sooo incredibly confused, combative, upset, crying, not understanding where she was, and I could barely understand her words because she was so slurry. I knew making the decision to come back up that I may face this and figured "no, I can remember her how she was" but I feel it'll take time to change the image in my head now. I'm sitting here starting to regret getting frustrated during that moment. It was the last time I saw her awake. I did not show my frustration at all outwardly, but inside I felt so helpless because I couldn't comfort her. The frustration was at the situation, not her, but I still feel guilt and it's increasing by the minute. I went to lunch with a friend and during that time she got up once more and my dad interacted with her and she was not combative at that time. When I returned she was once again asleep and has been since. I do not mean this to sound selfish in any way, but this is a very individual experience. Being by her side almost 24/7 except the moments I need to run out for a quick break, I'm here through it all, assisting, watching, listening, waiting. I'm not sure my sister would be able to relate to this part of the experience, or even my father. I don't know if I'd be able to talk to them about it or even verbalize it. I have obviously not even really begun to process things so I hope that made some sort of sense. 

My dad is heartbroken and can barely be around it hurts him so much to see his wife of 30+ years passing. Everyone grieves differently so I do not fault him for that by any means, but this makes the care giving towards the end fall on me. Previously my sister was able to help out when my mom was alert and able to walk for the most part, etc. but she lives out of state and it was difficult for her to remain away and take care of her children as well. Again, I completely understand the circumstances! I happen to be the one that lives the closest (5 hr drive). We have aids 24/7, but they even need assistance moving her/rolling her, and cannot dispense meds so I have to do that, and make certain calls regarding how much/which ones. She's now only on ativan and morphine slowly given so she doesn't choke due to not being able to swallow. Another thought that keeps trying to pop in my head, despite consensus, and directions from the hospice nurse, is since I'm in charge of dispensing the meds is "I am the one that'll kill her." I logically KNOW this is not the case and the illness is what is to blame, but I don't always listen to my logic. Again, I'm sure I'm probably not alone in these thoughts, but it hurts already. I never thought I'd be doing this for my mother at 28. It has been a whirlwind I guess 8 weeks now. In the beginning her MELD score for 3 month mortality was 80% or so, and that now seems to be correct.

She made it to her birthday, which we didn't think she would. She had so many ups and downs we thought she'd pass, but NEVER down like this and for 3 days at this point with the symptoms described above. We are nearing the end within a few days I feel and I really am at a loss of what to think/feel. I'm keeping her lips moist, giving her the meds, putting on burts bees lip balm, letting her listen to her favorite TV show (Golden Girls) and a playlist of her favorite songs, making sure she has her bear with her, and doing what I can to make her comfortable. Hospice came today and washed her body and hair completely so in that regards she looks pretty good. 

8 weeks ago I gave her a teddy bear when this began. She named him Hospital Bear and has had him in her arms constantly. She'd get upset if he was moved to re position her, had "safe" people hold him when she was able to get to the restroom so her bear was safe, and got hysterical when he was lost. About 2 weeks ago she changed his name to Burial Bear, which indicated she knew and accepted what was going on. I've spoken to her softly telling her i love her, that she will be missed, but that we will be ok. She is not passing peacefully and even hospice has indicated this has been a difficult passing that he has seen. I'm not sure what she's waiting for as far as closure, but I just want her to be in peace. She and I have made amends (that's an entirely separate issue I need to process within this entire situation), but I know throughout this entire time she's been deeply worried for my dad when she leaves. She may be waiting for him to tell her he'll be ok, but I don't know if he'll be able to do this or how I could encourage him to assure her. The past few days she has been unconscious he has been cuddling with her or sitting and talking to her more and as he can. 

Part of my anticipatory grief comes in the final moment. When that occurs...what will happen? How will i actually react? How will my dad react? etc. I know the home aids will contact hospice and do that end of things, but I just don't know what to expect and my anxiety is rising. 

Did I mention, Mother's day is in 4 days so it'll be extremely close timing, which ....will make Mothers day extra difficult for me and my sister just due to the anniversary date likely being around this time as well. 

I think that was all I had for the moment. Thank you for listening.

[enna]

I’m here to let you know that I sit with you as you spend this time with your mother, dear T2Logan. You have so much on your plate right now. I hope that your hospice team will help you with what you need to do to keep your mother as comfortable as she can be. I am happy that you are playing her favorite tv show and that you have music on. Music is soothing.  And I agree with you when you say that your mother knows that her time is coming to an end. Renaming her bear tell us that. I’m sure that she can hear what others are saying. Keep telling her how much you love her. I can only imagine the sadness your dad is going through right now. Yes, everyone grieves differently. That is true. Your father will grieve in his way as will each of her children. I don’t think you have to say anything to your dad. He will do what his heart allows him to do. Your dear mother knows how much your dad loves her. His being at her side when he is able is all that is required. You will need to walk away for a while, too. Please talk to your hospice nurse about your anxiety. Perhaps he will have some advice for you as to helping you with your anxiety. He certainly can assure you that everything is being done to make your mother as comfortable as she can be. I hope your sister knows that your mother is entering her last days. Will she be able to come to be with you and your dad? You are doing what a loving child does. Your loving care of your mother warms my heart. 

 

Anne

[kayc]

Logan,

I took care of my MIL in her home the last three years of her life when she was bedridden with cancer.  In the beginning the doctors had told us she had three weeks, that stretched way on as she "willed" to live.  We watched as one by one, every organ in her body shut down, yet still she lived.  Her BP was almost nonexistent, the morphine would not even move throughout her body so it was useless.  Fluids built up as nothing was moving through her.  Still she lived.  We were wondering why, what she was holding on for, we talked to hospice and they suggested the family gather together with her and have a time letting her know it was okay for her to let go.  Turns out she hadn't forgiven herself for her years of drinking, even though she'd been sober many years since.  One by one we told her what she meant to us and that we had long ago let go of anything she'd done.  Tears poured down her cheeks.  We played her favorite Jimmy Swaggart music softly, we held hands and prayed for her.  That night she slipped into a coma and in the morning she was gone.

She was waiting for permission to die, we gave it to her.  She needed to forgive herself and we assured her we had forgiven her.  She needed the peaceful moment that time brought her.

Perhaps your mom needs something like that as well?  Just a thought.

You say this time is selfish, honestly, everyone's loss/grief is unique.  You feel guilty, yet I think you know in your head that guilt has no part of you, it's undeserved, but sometimes our emotions don't make sense, I think this is one of those times.  Perhaps some grief counseling when you are up to it will help.

How sweet of you to give her that bear.  You can rest assured it has brought her much comfort.

You are a wonderful loving son, and knowing that will help you in the days ahead.  You are in my thoughts and prayers as you go into Mother's Day and whatever this week brings.