Didn't Want Mom To See Me Cry

[Guest Shell Louise]

Hello,

I was wondering if anyone else tried not to let thier mom see them cry. You see when my Mom was in the hospital I would not let her see me cry. I really thought she was going to make it. She hated to see me cry and always said I hate it when you cry. She would not tell me if someone in my family was ill sometimes because she knew it would make me cry as I'm overly sensitive. Mom was on a breathing machine they told her they would take it out after a Kidney stint was put in, and she did not want to die on a machine. They would not take it out and she did not have a living will, and they kept saying she needed to rest and they would take it out the next day every day they said this and she died on the maching. I was not strong enough to make them and they knew her wishes as did her husband. I was suppose to be her voice and I wanted her to live. I did tell them but I did not insist as they kept saying it was her best chance. So Mom did not even get to die the way she wanted to. I did not want to upset her, and cry. I read a post marty wrote and now I think I did not even do that right because I held back my tears, I did not want her to know how scared I was because I did not want her to be more scared. When they said she would need a treck, feeding tube and now she was probably suffering, we could sleep on it and decide on dnr/cc in the morning, then I stood up and said no stop now. I did not want her to suffer ever. Anyone, Mom always did the right thing I wish I would have done a better job for her. Yes I did love on her and tell her how much we all loved her, just should have done everything different. I didn't even cry infront of her until the last day and she was already gone, even if she was breathing on the machine, no last breath, she didn't even see me cry for her.

Shell Louise

[shell]

Shell Louise,

I'm sure your mom knew that you were crying on the inside, and I'm sure she knew why you wouldn't cry in front of her. Sounds like you two were very close. You did the very best you could, so don't beat yourself up. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Take care of yourself, your mother would want that,

Shell

[MartyT]

She hated to see me cry and always said I hate it when you cry . . . I did not want to upset her, and cry. I read a post marty wrote and now I think I did not even do that right because I held back my tears, I did not want her to know how scared I was because I did not want her to be more scared.

My dear Shell Louise,

It seems to me that behaving toward your mother the way she wanted you to behave, despite how difficult it was for you to do so, and by putting her needs before your own, you were demonstrating the most selfless act of love, and for that you have my deepest respect and admiration. As she lay dying, your mother needed you to be strong. If she regarded crying as a sign of weakness (strong people don’t cry), you accepted that (even if you didn’t agree with her) and by holding back your tears, you conveyed to your mother the strength she needed to see in you so she could let go. I agree with Shell that, knowing her own daughter as well as she did, your mother knew what you were doing and why, and I feel certain too that she saw it as a measure of your deep love for her.

You describe yourself as “overly sensitive” because you are easily moved to tears, but I think it’s simply a reflection of your own basic personality. There is nothing wrong with being able to experience a full, rich range of emotions in response to grief. You held onto your tears while your mother was dying because that is what she needed, but now is the time to take care of your own needs. Now is the time to let those tears come, and I hope you will welcome them as a natural and helpful form of release.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[Maylissa]

Shell Louise,

I agree with Marty, in everything she said. To be able to find the strength to act against your basic nature, because that's how your mom wanted you to be, when she was the one who was physically dying....that's a loving act.

I did much the same with my own Mom, not wishing to upset her. I went in with the chosen attitude that it was HER dying, not mine, and I should give her what it appeared she wanted, at any given time. This was about HER, not me, and I tried my best to live up to that. I also can easily cry at the drop of a hat, but only shed a few, tiny tears in her presence...so she knew that I loved her and felt badly for her condition and situation, but she didn't seem to want to see too much emotion, either, so I held back on my utter distress until I was out of the room, before I left. I ended up collapsing in a kind nurse's arms instead...and thank God that nurse was there for me! ( I wasn't able to be there when she did actually die, but I would have done what seemed 'righter' to do then as well, had I had the opportunity )

I try to think of it this way: If my Mom has been watching me since she left ( and I believe she has ), she must be much more able now, with a peace she never had in earthy life, to handle all the grief I'm emitting. Plus, she will now know how much I truly cared and loved her, even though I wasn't able to express those sentiments when I last saw her. This is my hope and I cling to it as a way of coping with everything now. While I still carry some regrets, these two ways of looking at things sit side-by-side with how things happened, and I just have to live with both views at the same time, which is better than only having ONE perspective to draw upon. And don't worry....if you vascillate between one way and another, that's perfectly normal, too, in grief.

[Guest Shell Louise]

Thank you! I really needed all of your help, just losing it still. All three of you are very kind, loving, caring people. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

First of all I want to thank Shell Louise for bringing up this subject. When my mom died I was told by my siblings not to cry infront of my dad because it would upset him. Well I lived in the same house as both my parents did and I did as I was told. When I got emotional and needed to cry I would tell dad I was taking a shower or bath and I would go upstairs and get into the tub or shower and cry until I could not cry anymore than I would go back downstairs and see my dad. And when my dad died four months later again I was told to put on the brave face and not to show emotions in public. So until the day I lefted my parents house I did alot of baths and showers. So I am glad someone brought up this post and I know realize I am not alone when feeling like I do. Take care Shelley

[shell]

Shelley,

I cry a lot in the shower too. We (my mom and I) cried a lot in the beginning and did it in front of each other. But as time went by, we started hiding it from each other more. I cired in front of my dad when he was sick, but it was at the point where he didn't seem very coherent. I would talk to him and cry, but wasn't sure if he heard me. Should you cry in front of someone who's dying? I don't know. I guess it depends on each individual case. You want to stay upbeat and strong for them, and not upset them, but then again, you also want them to know you care and that it is hard losing them. There is so much in all of this process that remains a mystery.

Take care.

Hugs,

Shell

[STARKISS]

Hi Shell,

Thank you for your post and your feelings about this subject I still cry by myself and not very often in front of people. I have cried in front of my counsellor but she understands what is really happening. Take care and I thank you again for your understandings Shelley