How Much More Can A Person Take

[whoopie]

It's my normal time of night to be awake..Mom is sleeping and this is my time to go nuts at night. I cry, I get scared, I get angry and the very fear of ending up in a corner somewhere playing with my lower lip is a huge possibility. I'm new to this forum, but, not to Hospice of the Valley. My dad was in the one here in phoenix, for almost a month. I moved away from Phoenix about 4 years ago. Away from Mom, and all those skeletons, and from Dad, and those skeletons. I've been thru a lot of hell in my life, mostly imposed from those 2 people, and at the same time I did love them. I left because I could not rebuild my life..no matter how hard I tried. They were there, and in my mind always would be, and they made it almost impossible for me. Last year I sorta made a silent burial of the hatchett with my Mom and Dad, especially Dad because Mom had already said her amends. Dad was gettin older, was having some mind disfunction, been retired for about 10 years, healthy as an ox. He was an engineer, very smart..so teaching him the computer should have been fairly easy. But, it turned out to be impossible. We got along well during my visit..even were lookin forward to when I could make another trip home. I was able to hug him for the first time in many many years..without cringing with disgust. Almost a year later, I get a call from Mom, "you need to come home your father is really ill". I was there the next day. Next thing ya know, we are in the ER, and find out Dad has had a rather huge tumor growin in his brain for quite some time. One month later he is dead. He went thru brain surgery, and when he came out of that, he was never the same and on borrowed time. I stayed with my Dad almost 24/7..making my mom go home at night and take care of herself and that I would take care of him. And I did. It was the illusion we had time to say our goodbyes, but in fact it was just merely torture. I never got my apology. I never got that affirmation of him being such a jerk when I was a young girl. I used to dream about him dying...almost as a prayer. But, the man that disgusted me as a child, was not the same man as the one who was dying in Hospice. I held his hand during his last breath, watched as they took him away, gathered all the stuff we had in his room...and left. That hospice had been my home away from home. It was hard to leave it behind, along with the staff, who got me thru. Now, I'm living with the same woman that used to beat me as a child, and even at my age I fear her. I have to remind myself constantly that I'm an adult, here to help her in this process of grief. Sandwiched inbetween all this, I had surgery in November/05 ...and they didnt do the surgery correctly...so in February I had to have another surgery..was in the hospital for 7 days. Same one Dad was in of course. I'm home now..trying to recover...and deal with my mom, and allllllllllll these thoughts that make no sense, along with a lot of pain physically and emotionally. I also left behind the life that took me 4 years to build. All gone, because my Mom is too fragile to take care of herself, and be by herself. She's never worked a day in her life, and was married to my Dad for 49 years. There arent enough words to explain the crap in my head lately. If I move away from her...so I can cope..then who will take care of her..certainly not my brother..who I call fly by bob, for the amount of time and effort he spent at the hospital. I feel like it's all on me..everything. The guilt is something I'm not able to handle right now. I'm starting to feel all the stress in my body...not just because of surgery(took my last ovary) but, also from my own physical issues. I just wish someone could come in and fix it all..then call me when it's over. Well, I guess I have taken up enough space for now. Any words of wisdom would be great.

[whoopie]

I guess my post was too long, so no one is responding, i'm sorry...I did sign up for the grief support group..first meeting is on thursday...but, dang I need some help now. Oh well..at least I got to get some of what's on my brain, out of my head.

Edited March 15, 2006 by whoopie

[Bebekat]

It sometimes helps just to get things off your chest. Even though I don't always reply, I read the new posts. I'm sorry for your loss. You've had so much to deal with. Keep writing. It will at least get some of the thoughts out of your head. It may also relieve some of the stress you're feeling. I hope you can find some peace with it.

[shell]

Your post wasn't too long. I read the whole thing and feel so sorry for the pain (both physically and mentally) that you are going through. I also commend you for taking care of both of your parents after all the pain they caused you. You are truly a giving person with a big heart.

Good luck with your support group, I think it will help you a lot. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Shell

[eaglesoaring]

Hi Whoopie

I am so very sorry for all that you have been and are going thru, you sure have a awful lot on your plate right now. I am so glad that you are signed up for a support group. I totaly understand where you are and have been. I also suggest that you find a support group for caregivers, this is something that I wished that I had done, looking back on what all has happened with myself, I really believe that it would have made my life easier.

I began my caregiver role, almost 11 years ago. I lost my dad 7/14/95 on my b-day, soon after I had to care for my Mom, And thru the years of doing so I was able to heal the pains of childhood with both my parents, but with Mom it was after I lost my dad. I lost my Mom 11/13/05.

I will be more than happy to be here to listen to you and attempt to offer you support thru all that you face. Please know that your post was not to long, and I am sorry that I did not respond sooner.

Take care, Debbie

WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT THE SOUL BEGIN TO HEAL?

[whoopie]

Thank you all for responding. I've been so desperate to speak the words that I wrote in here, and got a lil manic waitig for a reply from someone, anyone, that would listen. The bonds of a parent and child are such a double edged sword sometimes. I love my mom and fear her all at the same time. Living here, to be with her, I feel as if I'm 13 years old. I have to tell myself constantly.."you're an adult, you can do what you want" "within reason"...it's insane. I knew this was going to happen, if Dad died first. I used to pray that God would take Mom first, because I knew she wouldnt be able to care for herself. My brother has been no help at all during this process. He is a counselor, go figure! He has no clue about this process. He is tending to his life, his family. Well, what about me...I did the same thing and have to move from Missouri. I had a life established there, and all my things including my dog..are there! Why does he get to pick and choose how much this affects him. And believe me I've heard all about the "he's a man, they process things differently". Tough! I've given of my life, my time, my love, and my obligation as a daughter to be here for them. Regardless of what happend in the past, for the simple fact that Dad wasnt the same man I once hated. And it took years for me to discover something that I could be proud of in him. I found several actually, and dwelled on those so that I could have a relationship with him. I remember when he was in the hospital, after his brain surgery(he had a huge tumor none of knew about)...he was talking to one of his nurses and said" this is my daughter..she is the most forgiving person on the planet" then he drifted off to sleep. That was really the only acknowledgment I would ever get, of what he had done. Because he wasnt really ever right, after the surgery. He had a few moments of clarity and that's it. I feel lucky, in the fact that we were friends when he passed. Now he is the lucky one, cause he isnt puttin up with Mom anymore .

It's all falling on me, all her moods, all her tears, all her fears, all her anger. Everything she feels, dumps on me. And it should, cause where else is it gonna go. Friends and most family leave after awhile...they don't call as often, the bills and paperwork start to mound up and it's all very overwhelming. And during all of this, honestly..I want to run away...so far and so fast..that nothing touches me. I know the realities of that...but, it would sure be good. Cause even though I know I have to help her thru this...all I want is some time alone, to cope. And to do it without her naggin at me bout my smoking, or whatever she wants to nag me about. Well, my fingers are tired now..and my brain took a rest. Thanks again for the kind words

[Guest Josie]

Dear Whoopie,

So very sorry for everything you are going thru. Could you take your Mom to your new home? Could you take your Mom to your brothers and say I need a break and I'll be back.... No one should control you, just a sugestion, say to your Mom, kindly that you are an adult now and though you love her you will not be controlled or manipulated any longer. Let her know that control is not love and she is pushing you away and making what you are trying to do for her even harder. Let her know it hurts me when you nag at me about everything and you are doing the best you can, after all isn't that all any of us can do? There are probable reasons she has done the things to you she has, maybe even find out what they are. Not that what she did was right!!!! It may just help you heal and make your lifes path better, maybe I'm off my rocker. Just trying to think of some options for you, anyway I hope you find some peace and time to yourself.

[shell]

Whoopie,

I am in a similar situation. My dad died a year ago last month and when he died, my mom got very confused and helpless. She is ok sometimes and confused and or angry or moody, etc. at other times. Unlike your situation, my parents were wonderful and I had a happy childhood. I love my mother with all my heart and she has always been my rock. She is having more medical problems and I am so worried and scared stiff about losing her too someday.

Having said all that, there are days I want to run away for awhile too and have some time to myself to cope. And she takes out her anger on me too (not physically, just gets mad at me for nothing) and it has broken my heart because this is not her at all. My brother is SOME help, but not much and it is all on my shoulders! So I know how you feel. I keep hoping her confusion and moods are a result of grief and she will get better. In the meantime, I feel overwhelmed sometimes with all the responsibility.

Hang in there,

Shell

[whoopie]

Thank you josie and shell. Tonite is my first grief support group meeting and I'm nervous. I also know it will be good for me, cause everyone is telling me that. . I kinda did what you suggested Josie, only I bought mom a dozen of the most gorgeous white/pink dipped roses i've ever seen, along with a card stating that I know we are goin thru a lot right now, so If i'm tucked away in my room, it's only cause I'm doin what I can for me. I also told her that I will be here for her anytime, just to knock on the door. I'm trying to set boundries...but, omgggggggg it's so hard when it's your mom. I have to be very creative with my wording...and when all else fails, bring her flowers..lol. Shell, i'm sorry for what you are goin thru. Ya know, parents didnt come with an owners manual, just like we didnt, but, it's sure hard takin care of them, wonder if it was that hard takin care of us? I know my mom wants to run away from all this, just as much as I do. But, her runnin means goin to God. She just really doesnt want to be on the planet. Not for one more second. Yet, she gets up everyday, goes to lunch, goes to her church and talks to her friends there. It's amazing. I'll be glad when it's like 10 years from now..and all this is done, and I can look back and go..ohhh that's what was supposed to come from all of this. Hang in there everyone..I think the ride has just begun!!

whoopie

[Guest Guest]

Whoopie,

Never feel that your posts here are in vain. No matter who reads them or who sends a reply, it is therapy for you. I often write here just to take a load off my own chest. I lost my mom almost 3 years ago now, & all I can say about your situaton now is.....................no matter what love your mom for you will not have her there forever. I know that may seem hard to think of now, but it is so true. I would hate for you to do something you would regret later.

Best wishes,

Tootie

[shell]

Whoopie,

I hope your support group meeting went well. I would like to go to one, but around here, where I live, they are all connected with churches, and I'm not a religious person in the traditional sense. I'm spiritual, just in my own way, if you know what I mean.

I think you're right....the ride has just begun!

Hang on tight,

Shell

[whoopie]

[/sizeShell, thanks for asking and the grief group went ok, but extremly intense. I had anxiety attacks all day, well actually the week prior, but the day of it was really bad. By the time I got there, I was a wreck. After I got over the initial saying of your name, who died, when and what was their name..I began to feel better. But, I was a blubbering idiot trying to get that out, almost like I couldnt speak. Anyway, jury is still out on the group..will have to wait an see. But, since then I'm still having the axiety. Most of which is because of the Mom issue. Alot of amends have been made over the last 10 years between her and I, mostly her apologing for the way she hurt me. That's not to say, I didnt make amends also, for the years in my 20's especially, when I made them pay, emotionally, for every thing they ever did to me. Some of the abuse at my Mom's hands, was harder to overcome, than the abuse from my Dad. From her the abuse was daily, and it was violent. Now here we are, both of us living under the same roof for the first time since I was 18. All I have wanted to do was run. The truth is, that no matter how many times and ways, someone apologizes..it never erases the memories, and the fears. I have forgiven Mom..but, I've got my guard up. I was in counseling for a lot of years, to get to this point. Now, even though the desire is to be on my own, the reality is quite different. Mom is frail, unstable, and has some medical conditions that make it impossible for me to be on my own. I need to live here, and watch out for her. So, the issue at hand is how to cope, how to be ok with being here. My life as it was in Missouri is pretty much all up in the air. I can't go back there to live right now, but, all of my things are there. And it's not that things can be replaced, it's that I dont want to lose all of what I gained during the 4 years since I left Arizona. I left here to rebuild myself, and I accomplished that. Financially, I don't know how I'm goin to get my things here. I have someone watching my things..my roommate, who also means a lil more than that...or did...has been sorta tending to them, and my dog. I really want my dog. I just don't know what to do, what the answer is..or how to get the answer. I feel so misplaced, during a time that I need to feel secure where I'm living..so I can handle the rest of my life. I know eventually this is all gonna fall in place somehow, someway...I just am impatient to know just how it's gonna work out. Thanks to all who have replied, it helps!! Believe me!

whoopie

[shell]

Whoopie,

You are in a very difficult situation, to say the least. I again have to tell you that I admire you greatly for taking care of your mom. Lots of people would not step up to the responsibility after all the abuse. You can certainly be proud of yourself for that.

Being an animal lover, I would get my dog! Is there any way you could drive to Missouri, pack up whatever will fit in the car, get your pup and go back to Arizona? Could you have someone else watch your mom while you did this? At least you would have some things (especially your dog) to make you feel more secure. Wow, I wish I had some better advice.

Try to hang in there. I am taking care of my mom too and know how hard it is to "get away", so I know the struggle you are going through. As I told you on another post, I believe, I love my mom with all my heart and am glad I'm here to take care of her, but there are times I just feel overwhelmed and want to run away for just a little while.

I also have had a long history with panic attacks and after my dad died had to finally go on medication. But there are some great sites about anxiety attacks that might help, so if you are interested let me know and I'll give you a couple I found helpful. You can also be proud of yourself for actually getting to your group and participating while having an anxiety attack!

You are much stronger than you think, so hang in and try to believe that things will work out somehow,

Shell