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Feb 6, 2023. For days I have been able to keep my emotions under control in dealing with the decision to put Bambaloo to rest. When the thought of sadness begins to enter my mind, I quickly distract myself with a project. Am I in the denial part of grieving, for the anger part is pretty much over. Second guessing is entering my mind, doubting my decision to end Bambaloo's life to quickly and making excuses to myself that other's pressured me to act quickly because she will get worse fast. No Diabetes is not a death sentence for dogs, but it surely doesn't help when a person cannot afford the supplies. The plan was to care for her without meds, change her diet, and let things run it's course. She was actually doing very well except for the cold weather. But repeatedly being told by the vets all the terrible things that could happen within days, such as her possibly going blind overnight. Or she could be in excruciating pain. Oh, it happened to someone else I was told sealing her life sentence. It didn't matter I read in more than one scientific paper on the subject of Diabetes in dogs, that they can live up to 2 years untreated. Of course, untreated will allow the other conditions associated with that disease to progress. Well, who really knows the facts? I listened to my vets, and I went into panic mode. The guilt hit me today when I saw her photo. Did I act to hastily? I knew there are so many grants out there to help people in need for vet bills. I found them. I just needed to fill some out. But my mind was in such a tizzy, I didn't know which way to turn or who to turn too for advice for everyone was saying put her out of her misery. Well, as I reflect, she wasn't in misery. In fact, she showed no signs of Diabetes other than drinking more water. She ate, she vomited a couple times probably because I gave her to much to eat. She had no pain other than the effect of the cold on her arthritis. I know second guessing only beats up my mind and in turn, my body. It makes my legs weak and walk in a slouched position. Her photo's take on a new meaning now. Did I cheat her? I did quickly buy her a steak and made her 'special' dinner. Did I lie to her? Did I trick her? It doesn't matter for what is done is done. I cannot bring her back and did in fact out of curiosity, look at other Australian Cattle dog photos last night. It's strange, that none had that look she had. I guess I was lucky. But, I have to continue on and learn from my actions. Whether they were hasty or not. Believe me, I did not sleep for 36 hours straight when the vet said, she MAY have Diabetes. She MAY have kidney failure. All the maybe's put me in a panic mode. Those nights I cried for I just didn't know what to do as she came and laid by me to comfort me. I did learn sadly, at her expense, not to just jump at the first signs of an issue and listening to others over my own judgement. Second guessing does not help at all. It will be awhile for me to move to the next step in grieving for my other dog has been affected by Bambaloo's disappearance. I cannot beat myself up over this and will move into the next level of acceptance. But in just a flicker of a candle's flame, I can be right back into anger mode. Oh well, it is another challenge to face in life.

It was a hard day today. The past few days have been harder than usual. I met LC around this time almost four years ago. This season is so hard to deal with. Last year at this time he was in a personal care home. Halloween was coming up and I had decorated the house. I was looking forward to the time he would be home with me, it it was a disappointment that he was still in the personal care home and would be even though it was already October. I wondered why he wasent getting better....I sat outside at my parents house where I am living. The sun was getting ready to set and I had this hugh amount of grief sweep over me. I could not keep from crying there by myself. I miss him so much. I almost wish that I could be where he is now and started to pray for the day that I too would die. I then thought of my elderly parents, they would die too. I will be completly alone. Am I the only one who thinks about dying to be with their loved one? Part of me thinks that I am crazy thinking this, the other part of me thinks that is what I am doing now..just waiting to die. Yes, I continue through each day, but I miss him so much! I miss our lives togeather, I miss the house, I miss when we would talk, when we would just watch tv togeather...This sadness is sometimes so overwhelming I dont know what to do. I think to myself...will I ever be happy on this earth again? Or will it be through death and joining him will I only be happy again. I am just so sad he is gone. His death was in July, but he was gone long before. In his coma like state for 8 months. during the last 3 I think he was able to recognize me. His life in the personal care home was horrible, but I wish I could still go and see him. Hold his hand. Its horrible of me to think this beacuse I know he was not happy and only a mere shell of himself....I miss him!!! why did he have to leave me here? He promised me he would not leave me but he did. Now my family is talking about Christmas and exchanging names for gifts for the holidays. I wish the holidays would never come again.

So I couldn't sleep this morning due to stressful bad dreams so I woke up around 6am. Put the TV on and tried to go back to sleep. This some came on in the show I was watching that took me to a really sad place. Pearl Jam came on in the background. They are, or were, one of Jack's favorite bands (we had a pic of when he met Eddie Vedder at the foundation room in Vegas on our wall. Eddie was so short compared to Jack he actually picked him up like you would a small child for the pic). The song is 'just breathe' and my memory was years and years ago when our relationship was still new we had a split. When this song came out and I first heard it I immediately called him. Because of his illness I had already early on taken on this caretaker role. Hearing the song when we were separated made me break down and cry. I called him and shared it with him then. It brought us back together in a way. Hearing it today just reminded me of why I cried that first time. Because I knew we were more and we weren't supposed to be apart. It reminded me how much we loved each other. And today I totally lost my s*** crying just thinking about my loss. Haven't done that in a while. I'm still crying actually. Here is a link to the song. Enjoy. The last lines "hold me till I die. Meet you on the other side." I was holding him when he passed, so now I sit and wait to see him again. I am a health nut and only 32 so I will be waiting a very long time ?

Dad died Oct. 26 last year. Mom JUST got diagnosed with dementia so we'll be moving her to assisted living at the end of the month & selling her house. This weekend we're having a yard sale to start selling 64 years worth of memories & belongings. We've been slowly bringing things home from there as I we want them. Today one of my sisters called to ask what pieces of Mom's silver do I want? As Mom has so much & it's always been in the hutch or buffet I have no idea plus I was at work studying a new collection of pottery not thinking of silver. But within 1/2 hour it hit me: "This is it. We are slowly dispersing, amongst ourselves, Mom & Dad's life. It's not staying at that house. Mom & Dad will never need it again. Mom will never see it again. There will never again be any of my family there [after the house sale]; Dad will never feed his squirrels, Mom will never swing on the front porch again nor will any of our kids." Will Mom remember all of these memories? How long before she forgets it all? I also started wondering what Dad would think of all this-if he'd be ok with Mom's moving-we found out from papers he'd written that he'd suspected the dementia several years ago but didn't want her diagnosed & treated differently. And it hit once again-9 months later & the pain still comes back.