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Grief Healing Discussion Groups


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  • Date of Death
    October 26 2012
  • Name/Location of Hospice if they were involved:
  1. Our local grief support group is run by a woman with whom I have many issues with including her lack of confidentiality even though she is a trained hospice/medial professional. It helps to come here where I know it's safe. There is so much other stress in my life that that is hurting the healing process as well. I mentioned to someone recently that I came back to work the day after Dad's funeral & tried to continue at work like nothing had happened because my boss/co-worker [only a 2 member staff of a non-profit organization] was giving me no support or assistance & the person I mentioned it to was a bit shocked & said no wonder I'm still a bit messed up.
  2. It's been a while since I've been on here. It's been 16 months since Dad passed away & on Valentine's day it was the 2 yr mark since my best friend left us all. I have continued to struggle & fight this grief thing including taking a mild anti depressant & now taking more of the anti anxiety pills as I have had even more periods of anxiety. I have had HORRIBLE STRESS with my job, planning my daughter's July wedding, some volunteer activities even. Next week I'm finally going to start the process of seeing a therapist-I've been using my husband's shoulders to cry on long enough & last week I felt I was having a melt down. I know a lot of the depression can be attributed to the winter weather & no sun & horrible temps, etc. BUT Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck missing Dad & Donna. Not a day goes by I don't think of Dad at least especially as the wedding gets closer & we're reminded that my Dad always told my daughter he couldn't wait to dance with her on her special day. I have started wondering if something happened to my spiritual side with these losses. I have forced myself to go to church exactly twice [besides a couple funerals] since Dad's funeral & my heart feels hard or empty when I think of God-is that possible? I so want to be open to all that again but it's like that side is gone. Does that make any sense? I see people's pictures and posts on facebook about loving God & all these great things & I don't feel any of that! I used to I know. Also, can physical belongings tie you to the grief? If so, what happens if you get rid of them. As I type this I'm looking at 2 pictures on my wall that I bought during a road trip with my best friend. Each time I see them some great memories of her come back at the same time that I tear up. My husband & I both want to change the decor in this room & those things wont' look good when we do but I hate to toss them. I don't find them that attractive any more but besides a couple small photos of her & my memories they are the ONLY thing I have of her left. I'm afraid if I give them away I'll have nothing to remind me of her even as I know I get a bit sad sometimes seeing them. I was ok getting rid of a lot of Dad's things because I have so many other things-like my Daughter's smile or even just my Mom to keep memories of him alive. With Donnna I don't - a few photos. Is it ok if I take these pictures down? Will I still have her?
  3. We did make it through. My husband & I went up & took Mom out for supper to one of her & Dad's favorite restaurants where we talked about Dad a little bit. Her having dementia is almost a blessing. She remembered her anniversary the day before but she forgot about what happened that next; she knows Dad is gone but doesn't talk about it, sometimes she thinks he's coming home from one of his trips soon. We didn't bring up his death nor did we visit the cemetary-I actually prefer to go there by myself if I start sobbing as I often do, noone sees me & I can talk to Dad by myself just like we used to: him laying on his stomach on the floor watching tv with me laying on pillows beside him. Afer we took Mom out for supper we went back to her apartment where we ate dessert & had coffee. Mom is at peace & is happy where she is & I"m sure Dad is good with that-when he was alive he worried so much about her & worked so hard to take care of her, he took on even more care of her & never let anyone including us kids realize that. When my husband & I got home I wrapped up in a jacket & gloves & since it was a perfectly clear night full of stars [Thanks Dad!] I sat on the porch drinking a beer, crying. I made a lot of wishes on those stars so he better do his job & help me out here...........
  4. I just found it & for us who find it helpful to write about our loved ones this is a great site. http://griefbynotes.com/write-a-note/
  5. This week has been tougher than I expected. I've been constantly on the verge of tears & often allowed them to flow & I unexpectedly threw a major "temper tantrum" last night-I went out & started throwing things in our back yard & screaming [thankfully we don't have neighbors]-I have never gotten mad or frustrated like that at this whole situation before since I always figured what was the point? He was 84, survived a stroke, heart surgeries, was weak but happy & it was time for my little sister who died when she was 4 to finally have him with her... I'm being selfish-I still want him back & I'm mad that I never pushed him to have deeper & more serious conversations with me-I was the youngest girl & he hated talking about that stuff & I know he wanted to protect me. I'm mad because I feel like i"m losing the memories of him. I can still hear his voice, still feel the scratchiness of his cheek from his unshaven cheek that last week int he hospital, feel his hand gripping mine but I can't see him doing all the things he did, only a few distinct ones but stupid. I want to know more about him, more memories. Thank God for a supportive husband & a couple good friends who came to my office to keep me company for a while when I texted her & told her that "prickly purple pineapple peices" was no longer working to keep the tears at bay while at work. tonight my husband & I met a couple friends for dinner & drinks so I wouldn't be at home so long thinking & then I came home, put on Dad's old jacket I inherited, grabbed a beer [his choice, not mine], & went out to sit on the porch looking at "his" stars. Tomorrow we head "home" to be with Mom, take her out for supper & be with her. One year has gone so quickly yet so slowly. I've rubbed holes in a few photos of him trying to feel his face again. The pain tonight feels as fresh as it did 365 days ago.
  6. Dear Marty: I am so sorry about the changes that you're going through with your position & this group. There are not enough words to express my gratitude to you & your support this last year & for having this place to come to for all of it. I am so grateful that you are staying on until other arrangements get made. I found this group by mistake one night in that first week after Dad passed & I say what a great mistake it was. I have read everything you've written on grief & used much of the advice I read. Thank you. Lisa
  7. Thanks. I want her to continue to have happy thoughts about that day & their lives together, especially as she knows the next day will mark the day she lost her husband. While her short term memory is the same as a gold fish due to the dementia her long term memory is wonderful & she remembers him following her home from school & asking her out, even. We will be with her the next day when we go up to honor & remember Dad by taking Mom out for dinner, then to the cemetary & to Mass where they'll be saying a special mass in memory of Dad.
  8. My question tonight is: when a spouse [my Dad] dies do you continue to celebrate their wedding anniversary with the surviving spouse? Dad died less than 12 hrs after he & mom "celebrated" their 63rd wedding anniversary. Do we get Mom an anniversary card or just one saying "thinking of you'? We'll be going up there to be with her on the 26th & honor Dad as a family but I"m so used to automatically buying an anniversary card for her. Didn't see this question in any of the grief protocol pamphlets we received.
  9. Stephen: remembering Dad & all those happy memories has gotten me through this year. Actually the best thing was that I inherited ALL the old photos of family [some from early 1900s or before], their travels, Mom & Dad when they were younger & I see photos of Dad when he was young & I just grin because wow, Dad was a hottie back then-very Cary Grant meets James Dean-esque & I also got some of Mom's love letters to him & reading them makes me laugh-he was quite the player back then. I just rub his face in those photos like I need to etch it into my brain even more. This week have been struggling with dreams every night of he & I having conversations & then we get interrupted & I wake up & I'm almost angry at it.
  10. So sorry for your loss. Hugs, prayers & calming thoughts to you.
  11. KayC: does your Mom still have her long term memory? Does she talk about past events? My Mom's short term is so bad but she's wonderful about telling things about her & Dad dating [he was kind of a major player/party boy back then] & the early years of their marriage. Today my daughter got her engagement photos & she asked me as she was showing them to me "What do you think Grandpa would think?" and all I could do is tear up & tell her "he'd think you're the most beautiful engaged girl he's ever seen".
  12. As it gets closer to the 1 yr mark for Dads death I find myself really thinking hard about "if only I had known what I know now of what will happen in October at this time last year"... I would force Dad to get to a dr to be really checked out, I'd be up there constantly watching them both, I'd be forcing Mom to go to the Dr & get the diagnosis of her dementa & start making plans. Most of all I'd sit both of them down & ask SO MANY QUESTIONS & make sure I recorded them. I found out even more about Dad AFTER his death that I had no clue about when he was alive. Being the youngest of the family everyone sheltered me from things & perhaps unintentionally unincluded me in things. I want to go back & talk to him one more time. Normal? I really didn't think it would affect me this hard so early-I knew that week would be hell but not this soon.
  13. Sunday will mark Dad's 85th birthday & his first one in heaven. Marking it by going up to take Mom out for lunch then out to the cemetery where we'll put flowers & birdseed & squirrel corn on the grave so Dad can continue to feed "his" critters. In 1 month we'll be marking the First anniversary of his death. All these "firsts" we've managed to survive when I didn't know how we'd make it through the first week without him.... Still not a day goes by where I don't think of him even fleetingly.
  14. 10 months after we lost Dad they finally laid the head stone a couple weeks ago & yesterday I got to see it for the first time. NOT good. I've been able to go up there every couple weeks & shed a tear or 2 & be able to talk to "Dad". Yesterday I lost it; I stood there & bawled like the day we laid him there. Having that piece of marble seems to make it "real", and I've noticed that since the stone got laid I haven't received any "signs" from him-I"d been finding pennies & nickles, or even pine cones [we don't have pine trees near us]. I would go up & since there was nothing to mark where to find him & my brothers always got confused, I'd put up yard decorations so I told my husband the "signs" were Dad's way of thanking me. But now there is a piece of permanent stone to help us find our way to the grave I no longer need to have my things there it's like he's at rest. We left a couple of my things there. Why does that stupid piece of marble bug me so much? It's really neat but ......... I know Dad is more at rest up in Heaven-we've got Mom in a great assisted living place & she's happy there. But I can't get over losing him & need him more than ever-who's going to yell at me about my job & tell me to quit to avoid the ulcer that's forming [my husband's voice is NOT my Dad's]? Who is my daughter supposed to dance with to the song "Grandpa" that he made her promise to play at her wedding next summer? Who do I give the "Happy Birthday Dad" card I bought a long time ago to give him on Sept. 15?
  15. KayC: I left Saturday night & came home & got away from it all. Hitler & a couple others left Sunday to go home as well. Spoke with the good sister that's still there & she says Mom is a bit calmer but is having some possible nasty side affects either from her new meds or something else. She went in for a CT scan yesterday & it'll be a few days before the results come in. Friday to find out some of Mom's awareness I asked her if she remembered what happened to Dad & how she feels. "Oh yes, I"m a widow and a brotherless orphan now you know. None of the boys I counted on are alive anymore." 3 months after Dad passed away Mom's last brother passed away. I have decided that since another good sister is coming up for a few weeks to get Mom moved & settled that I'm going to put up some boundaries, not talk to ANY of them unless necessary & allow my husband to take me on the vacation he's been trying to get me to go on since October. I just need to get away from it all & away from these memories that are so close to the surface now and cause flare ups of grief. I just want one week of forgetful happiness if that makes sense.
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