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Found 6 results

  1. It will soon be 18 months since I last hugged my husband. I didn't know that the day was going to end with me being told that my husband of 35+ years had ended his life. I still am shocked that he killed himself. I had no clue. Nothing prepared me for what I was being told. Too often my brain gets stuck on the why. No matter what I might think I will never get the answer. He is keeping it a secret. At night when I need to sleep, my brain is like a freshly wound toy. It's going so fast that it's flipping all over the place. I don't seem to finish one thought before another is jumping in my brain. I need to quiet my brain but the more I try the worse it feels. I have so many questions that need answers. In my rational mind I know that I can not keep torturing myself with questions. I wonder about what went wrong, why he didn't talk to me about what was wrong, would I have been able to fix 'it', could I have stopped him, were there signs I missed, why didn't I know? Was it something I did or was it something I didn't do? I procrastinate and ruminate every time I have to decide something and then I second guess every decision I do make. My brain is working overtime. As I said I know that my actions are not in my best interest but how do I make myself stop? And thus another question to chew on, to digest each molecule, and to hope and trust that the outcome is right... Two days ago I opened my husband's cremains to add to his father's and mother's cremains for spreading by his siblings. They have no idea of the pain I endured opening that bag. As with most things I must do I was alone. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as my hands became covered in the ashes of all that remains of my husband. I am not included in their ceremony. I am not family. This also causes me to question myself and to feel deeply alone. I can not tell my adult son how poorly his aunts and uncles treat me. He needs to feel like part of a family, something I do not have to give him. I am filled with a sadness too deep to measure. It is nearly 3:00 am and my brain is still spinning and jumping. I will be awake for hours yet, until my brain slowly winds down and sleep softens my heart 💓
  2. I'm having a panic attack... I don't know what to say...As I mentioned earlier, two days ago I felt this enormous pain that my mom was going through about sleeplessness, and I just felt her saying to me, "I am so sorry, I am so sorry, just forgive me, just forgive me..." I was really scared to death, first feeling all that pain, and second feeling about my mom. After that "encounter" with my mom, I started to think that it was actually okay for my mom to commit suicide. Because I really experienced her pain, and I just felt like it was okay. But how can I say that?! For the entire two years after my mom was gone, I was never, NEVER okay with her suicide. I tried so many times to feel okay about it, but I was never never okay until two days ago after that experience. Now that I actually feel okay, I feel like I'm going insane. How can I allow that to be okay? How can I allow myself to be okay with my mom's suicide? If I feel okay with it, does that mean that I'm okay with suicide in general? Does that mean that suicide is just a "normal death"? I am so confused by how I feel. On one hand, I tried so hard in the past two years to get here. On the other hand, after finally feeling "okay" about it, I feel crazy. I feel insane. I feel that I should not be okay with it. It is such a difficult difficult place that I'm in...Please please help me! Has anyone had that experience?Chen
  3. I am new to widowhood. I am new to forums. I feel so many things. Yes, right now it is all about me. January 5, 2016 - I wish I could go back for 5 more minutes so I could tell him how much I loved him. I don't know how I found my way here; I'm so glad I did. I need a community that understands the trauma of losing 49 years of my 59 years of life.
  4. My Mom passed almost five years ago of Cancer when I was 16. She was ill since I was 12. was an incredible Mom, I am so proud and grateful that she was mine. Since her passing, I have felt an overwhelming amount of guilt as I wasn't there for her when she was dying. I was so afraid - I hid in my room on the computer. In a sense, I still do. I experienced deep, overwhelming depression and agoraphobia. It spiralled out of control. Every time I get a job, for example, I become deeply depressed and spiral into suicidal thoughts and actions. I do not know how to stop this. Since my Mom's passing, I have continually dropped out of schools, jobs and relationships. I struggle with keeping my word and struggle to accept myself. A few days ago my Dad told me he is at breaking point and struggles supporting me as an adult. It is not fair to him. In a few weeks, I am starting school again. I really do not want to fail and drop out this time - I want to succeed. Please help me
  5. I have looked around but don't see a current thread on suicide loss. I lost my 15 year old son to suicide in January 2015. I read a lot about it because I'm so unfamiliar with the subject and want to understand the thoughts and feelings of a person considering suicide. My son Matthew kept it all inside, and we have no idea what his internal thoughts were leading up to this horrible surprise. Our lives are forever changed and will always be different, I am learning, and I am trying to accept this fact. I did read a few good books and would love to know if any of you have read any books (not articles) that actually helped in your understanding of suicide. I've read: "My son, My son" by Iris Bolton (EXCELLENT) Understanding Your Suicide Grief: Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart by Wolfelt PhD, Alan D.(EXCELLENT) Dying to Be Free: A Healing Guide for Families After a Suicide by Cobain, Beverly (Kurt Cobain's aunt) (BEST FOR UNDERSTANDING WHAT GOES ON IN THEIR MINDS) The Forgotten Mourners: Sibling Survivors of Suicide by "John's sister" (GREAT FOR SIBLINGS AND PARENTS) Healing the Adult Sibling's Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas After Your Brother or Sister Dies (Healing Your Grieving Heart series) by Wolfelt PhD, Alan D. (REPETITIVE AND SIMPLE, DISLIKED)
  6. I turned 24 a few weeks ago. Usually I make a big deal about my birthday and plan something with my friends, but this year was different. It was my first birthday, first valentines day, first new years, first christmas and thanksgiving without my stepfather. He died of cancer in june, I took care of him. He was more than a father to me- he was a superhero. When I was 12 my mother was diagnosed with cancer- he married her 5 days later and promised to take care of her, my brother, and myself no matter what happened. She died when I was 17, a few months before I graduated high school. I continued to drink and take pills to deal with my pain. I created a lot of art work as well. I also now realize I began submitting myself to unhealthy relationships, in search of love that the other could never give me. Two years later the homicide department knocked on my door. These officers sat me down to tell me my real father had killed himself. My heart shattered. He had been unemployed and battled with his own depression and money problems. I'm not sure I ever really dealt with this loss. until now at least. Over the summer, when I became a caretaker for my sick stepfather, I prayed to my dead loved ones, for strength to get through another day. It was so taxing. so stressful and unusual for me. After he died, my whole turned upside down. Not only was I taking on -all at once- a whole swarm of responsibility i never had- to pay bills and watch over myself... A few months of living in my childhood home- my aunt, the homeowner- essentially kicked me out. Told me they were going to sell my house this spring and my drunk uncle was coming over everyday to tear apart the floors and paint. I had to move. and I did. I've lost my health insurance recently. another obstacle for me. The executor of my stepfather's will has shown her true colors- and made it clear that she is neither a good person or a part of my family any longer. I'm not sure where to get the help I need, within the low budget i have. I need support-from real people.