Angry/sad With My Mom's Passing From Alcoholism

[maria53577]

I lost my mom on June 27 this year to alcoholism.. we had battled with it most of my life.. and prior to my mom being rushed to the hospital, we had been fighting b/c she had been continuing to drink and not listening to us pleading for her to get help.. I was angry, frustrated and hurt.. I had set boundaries with her.. I told her I would be there for her if she wanted to talk or wanted my help but I couldn't ignore the issue any longer.. I then got a phone call from my dad that she [finally] had let him take her to the dr.. she hadn't been to the dr in yrs.. I am sure she knew what the diagnosis would be.. so as I raced over and then saw her.. I knew her time left on earth was winding down.. I initially scolded her but then cried and gave her a hug.

She died 3 days later at age 63. I have never experienced such pain before in my life.. I have moments of shock when I cannot believe I will never be able to pick up the phone and talk with her.. it breaks my heart to see how my dad misses her. My role in life has always been the caregiver but I am finding it hard to know what to say to help him thru this.. it's hard to hear the pain in his voice.. knowing that he will never wake up from this nightmare.

Initially I had horrible guilt for setting boundaries with her.. but I have made peace with that.. in the end, I do believe that she shut us out.. as much as we begged and tried to get her help.. it was her decision as an adult to live her own life.

I often find myself pissed at her and telling myself, if I would see her one more time, I would scream at her saying 'I told you! Why didn't you listen?' I'm so mad that she left everything like this.. we now have to go thru their house and clean up everything and sort thru all her items..

Alcoholism is such a sad disease.. I am also saddened that this was her path in life.

[kayc]

I understand your feelings, I had a dad that was alcoholic, he died at age 62, from heart.

With our head we try to hold them accountable, but truly this is a sickness and they are out of control. I think they could have made better choices but perhaps were too weak to do so.

I'm so sorry for your pain, it hurts the ones left behind, doesn't it. How is your dad doing with it? Have you tried any grief support groups or grief counselor?

[mfh]

Dear Maria

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother and the painful experiences you have had related to her alcoholism. The feelings of helplessness in those who love someone who is an alcoholic are frustrating and yes...anger provoking. When that person dies, a good part of their grief is about what never was....

As you go through her things, I hope you find some memories that are soothing. We are here for you as you walk through this pain and loss.

[MartyT]

Maria, my dear, I'm so sorry to learn that you are dealing with the death of your mother under such difficult and painful circumstances.

The feelings and reactions you're experiencing are complicated by those very circumstances, and I want to point you to some resources that may help you better understand and come to terms with your loss. You'll find many of them listed on this page: Mourning An Abusive Relationship: Suggested Resources.

See especially Grief and Loss Due to Death from Alcoholism or Alcohol-Related Problems, offered by Al-Anon/Alateen Family Groups, which states that

Alcoholism creates grief and loss in many ways, for all who are affected by it. Family members and friends may experience loss of relationships, financial security, homes, jobs, health, hopes, dreams, self-esteem, dignity, and other important tangible and intangible things. Sometimes alcoholism ends tragically, in death of the alcoholic from the disease or from related conditions. The grief process for family members and friends who experience the death of a loved one due to alcoholism can often be especially difficult and painful due to the types of experiences and the mixture and complexity of feelings and emotions that may have preceded and/or surrounded the death, the circumstances that caused death, the general lack of understanding about alcoholism that is prevalent in our society, and the stigma, secrecy and shame that unfortunately often accompany the disease of alcoholism.

[maria53577]

thank you all for your thoughts.. it's so appreciated.

I had been to counseling for many years prior to my mom's passing.. I then went twice after she passed away.. it didn't have the same benefit for me as it did prior.. maybe b/c she's gone now and what does it matter at this point? Or maybe just too soon.

Do you think she wanted help at all? Was it just hard for her to ask for help? We found journals from her this past weekend.. they were hard to read.. she was very depressed and referred to herself as a 'bad mom'.. it's painful to see these words, had I known what she was going thru, I would have done anything to help her.. then I am disappointed in myself for not being able to see that she was obviously depressed.. my resentment/frustration with her got in the way of me helping her.. for that I have horrible remorse.

My dad is very sad.. b/c of her addiction, their relationship was not great. But b/c it's all he has known, he is mourning that loss.. they were together for 45 years so he is feeling that void, good or bad, it's an empty feeling.

This site is very helpful.. thanks again for the responses!

Maria

[mfh]

Dear Maria, You are asking questions (as we all do) that are impossible to answer. What does matter is that if you had known, you would have helped as much as possible. It is difficult for we who grieve to remember that at the time we did the best we could do. We tend to be way too hard on ourselves expecting that we are mind readers and sometimes expecting perfect patience of ourselves. I hope you can with work and time, let go of the remorse so you can focus your energy and attention on the good memories. Looking back and wishing we had done things differently is a very common thing. We are not super human and we do the best we can do. Your frustration with your mom probably flowed from your love and desire to see her happy. I do not know that but I do believe the guilt people frequently feel flows from their love and wish to help.

Your father is welcome to use this site if that works for you (and him). Listening to him, sharing stories and memories will probably help him some.

[sharirouse]

Like everyone has been saying, it is a sickness and there is only so much that we can do. My dad died from cancer but his liver failed and he still smoked and drank a LOT of alka seltzer which has pain meds that damage the liver. It would break my heart because he was only making it harder on himself but It was their decision. before my dad was diagnosed with cancer, he NEVER went to the doctor, it got so bad that he had gangrene in his appendices. I truly feel that if he had gone before, we could have treated the cancer and gotten a bit more time.

But to be honest, I think its good that you didnt have a chance to yell her because it would have hurt even more if she passed and you had been angry with her, i made it a point to never get angry with my dad because I knew i would regret it. I remember saying he annoyed me a month or so before he passed because he talked so much but I would given anything to hear his voice again. And girl, I know how you feel about all the stuff they leave. My parents were divorced so my dad had an entire house and thousands of dollars of debt but I feel that going through the house helps with the healing. She would of had stuff whether she was sick or not, sadly lol

As hard as it may be, i try so hard not to remember him when he was sick because that was not my dad. He was so frail and it was so sad. Maybe that will help you because it helps me. I made hospice get all of his stuff immediately. And I know its so hard to know that we can never call him again but I talk to my dad all the time and I even dreamt about him the other day. it gave me a little light at the end of this horrible tunnel.

[kayc]

My mom suffered from (untreated) depression all her life. Having been there for her all those years, I can honestly say there's not likely anything you could have done to have made her feel a whole lot better. It is a disease that colors their outlook. Each person is in charge of their own life and has the opportunity to seek help...or not, but we can't force them to get it. Sometimes it's easier to see everything looking back than when we're in the thick of it.

[maria53577]

You guys are right.. it is easy to go back now and say I should have done all these things.. and, very true too, I am glad I didn't yell at her prior to her death.. that guilt would have been horrible..

I very much appreciate all the advice.. I find comfort hearing your stories, knowing I am not the only one who has gone thru this. We each have very unique stories but also very much the same.

Thank you again.. I find much comfort reading thru this site.

[kayc]

I find comfort here too, knowing that a lot of people's relationships with their parents were "complicated" but we love them and mourn them in their passing. I think we were good kids that did our best under the circumstances. I wish I hadn't rolled my eyes every time she called for years because I knew I'd be on the phone for an hour and it'd be negative, about people I didn't know and she'd repeat herself. If I've learned anything lately, it's that we all get older someday (my day's quickly approaching) and our kids will feel the same way about us. But that doesn't mean we don't love each other. Sometimes it's hard to keep that first and foremost in the thick of things. Now I'd give anything to be able to hear her voice on the other end of the line.

[sharirouse]

KayC, I feel the exact same way and I am so glad you said, because it think that IS something we all need to remember. Just because we got annoyed at them, or they talked too much or whatever, we still loved them. And I am beating myself up for complaining about him talking too much. I know i am just 20 and young and such but I would love to hear him call me Shari Berrie again.

[maria53577]

Wow, you both described my interaction between my mom and I.. she would call and repeat things, tell me things of people I didn't know.. most conversations were negative.. but I kept calling b/c despite all of that, I still enjoyed a relationship with my mom.. even tho it may have been strained. I wish too that I could tell her how much she meant to me.. in those moments when we were talking I was just annoyed.. but you are both right.. just b/c I was annoyed, I still loved her.. and I am beginning to now be able to separate two things.. I love and miss my mom— the woman that gave birth to me and raised me.. but I didn't love the part of my mom that was the angry/negative alcoholic.. and that really is ok.. thank you all.. it's been 4 months and I do feel as tho my healing is continuing and I hope that gives sharirouse comfort.

[kayc]

I'm glad it helped that I shared because it was hard to admit...people who knew her would understand because they felt the same way, but others who have nothing but great experiences with their moms would not likely understand. My mom was mentally ill so it was challenging being her daughter, but as she got dementia she "forgot" some of the paranoia demons that plagued her and her negativity lessened some...it made it easier to have a relationship with her because instead of trying to control us, she was actually appreciative of us coming to see her. In the last couple of years it was easier for me to love her without those roadblocks in the way. I miss her, yet I know that life with her was not easy. Still, I've been able to relegate all of that to a back seat to our relationship and remember the person she wanted to be, the person she was created to be, and remember the good. It's not like the bad never existed, but rather I just choose not to give it as much focus as the good.