Guilt Over Ordering Morphine For Mom

[Wildflower]

My Mom died the end of last year after a long illness with breast cancer. She was living in a different country to me, but I flew in just in time. She passed 8 hours after I landed. It seemed nothing had really been discussed as to how she wanted to die. I could tell she only had hours to live, but that had not been directly communicated to the family. Hospice had only just been referred which was too late. My parents had not been ready to accept their services earlier, despite gentle encouragement by me. They kept a lot of information to themselves when dealing with her illness, thinking they were protecting us I guess. Here in the States, I am fortunate to work with home care and hospice nurses who had given me very valuable information, so I felt fairly well prepared for her dying process. But it seemed my family back home weren't. It was just a very intense situation to come into after a long flight. My Moms last moments were very peaceful, and she was surrounded by all the family. It was very special. She even blew us all a kiss an hour or two before she died. The thing I am getting hung up on is that I was the one who called for the IV morphine. It was night time, and nothing had been set up. The hospital nurse wanted to wait until morning and wasn't really paying attention to my Mom as she had another young patient in crisis. But I knew my Mom really needed it as she was suffering so terribly. We had to call the on call doctor, who ordered it right away. I then had to pull my Dad aside, and tell him it was time. Deep down he knew it, but he had been in such denial I think. I treasure the last few moments. I know she herself was ready to let go. She had been ready for a while. But the weight of taking on that responsibility is wearing me down. Anyone else had a similar experience? Thank you.

[kayc]

I think you were wonderful so I guess I don't really understand what you feel guilty about. You were doing what was best for her. When my dad was dying, my mom was totally in denial, even though it was obvious...she ordered/purchased a very expensive hospital bed for him. I tried to tell her he wouldn't be coming home. I don't know if the doctors hadn't been frank with her or if she chose to believe what she wanted. Instead, we had to return it after he died. Someone has to face reality in the family and do what needs to be done. I think the most important thing was that your mom not suffer needlessly, and by ordering the morphine instead of making her wait for hours you were taking care of her needs.

I am so sorry for your loss. I think guilt is a common emotion when you lose someone, it's not necessarily reality-based, but more a part of grief emotions. There are some other threads here where people lose a parent and feel guilt. Here is a link about guilt in grief:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/guilt-and-regret-in-grief.html

[MartyT]

My dear, I think Kay's response to you is spot-on. You saw and knew that your dying mother was in pain, and you did what you could to alleviate it. That's what pain medication is for, and her doctor would not have ordered it unless your mother's condition warranted it. As Kay said, the guilt we feel in the wake of a loved one's death is often irrational and unjustified. Still, it is very real, and worthy of careful examination. If it helps, you might consider sharing your experience with the home care and hospice nurses with whom you work, to get the reassurance you need. You might try writing a letter to your mother asking for her understanding and forgiveness for whatever you think you may have done "wrong" in caring for her in her final hours. Ultimately, though, the one from whom you need forgiveness is yourself. As I say in this article, Guilt in The Wake of a Parent's Death, guilt is a feeling, and just because you are feeling guilty about this, it does not follow that you are, in fact, guilty as charged. I invite you to read the article, and take a look at the ones listed underneath as well (Related Articles).

[Wildflower]

Thanks so much for your words of comfort Marty. I really appreciate it. My Mom had quite a wicked sense of humor. Just after I flew in to be with her, I tried to get her more comfortable in the hospital bed. My Dad said to her, "Should we put you down?" Meaning put the head of the hospital bed down. My Mom replied, "No. But you are going to put me down aren't you" Which I interpreted as meaning in the end you are going to give me morphine aren't you? My Dad replied, "No we aren't going to put you down". That was a bit of an awkward moment. Then at the end, I was the one who put her down so to speak as my father just could not make that decision. So that is part of my guilt. Afterwards, I had a terrible dream about being dragged to the afterlife by demons against my will. No further nightmares after that thank goodness. I know the guilt is irrational. I like your idea of writing a letter to my Mom. I think that will help. I know I have to get through this hurdle in order to fully heal. I know deep down that she herself was ready to let go.

[kayc]

I get it. My MIL was on Morphine for years before she died...administering Morphine doesn't kill them, it just helps alleviate their discomfort.

[Wildflower]

Thank you for putting things in perspective.