Friday... Later Tonight... 7 Weeks

[R.Everit55]

Hi friends.

First, let me apologize for not being here. For old friends, and new comers on this grief journey. My heart has been here. My voice and words have not.

I'm struggling. Later tonight... Friday... Is seven weeks, 49 days... Since my beloved lost her battle with many health issues... But ALS... A very angry disease. My heart is in so many pieces, and the pieces seem to be getting more jumbled up and some just lost or hiding and seemingly impossible to ever get back together. I've quite honestly been in a seclusion from people and things as of late. Still having concussion repricussions off and on. All this frigid weather and five feet of snow. It's brutal on the spirit and emotions. Not being able to work yet.

I feel like seven weeks I should somehow be "getting on with it" "getting over it" "snapping out of it" as my siblings and parents keep pushing upon me. My son is so strong for his wife and his boys. My three guys are everything, but I'm even withdrawing from them. My grandsons they are 9 and almost 7 ... They were our world... They are my world. Mary and I were their world. They loved their Grammy.

I feel as though I'm letting everyone down. But how can one live with a heart in utter shattered pieces? My princess, my love, my heart, my other half of me... Truly believed and never let go of the "With God All Things Are Possible" and "God is good all of the time"... Those were her mottos... Through life, through her siblings loss, through Shannon's loss... Immense grief. Through her illness, through our love, and even through her death. Always believing. Yet I struggle to believe. I promised her I would believe. I promised her I would watch our son and our grandsons. I promised to not let her down. Yet I am. I have.

I don't know where the road will lead me anymore. Half of me half of my very heart and soul is missing. I am seeing a therapist. I'm on some meds. But honestly, intrusive thoughts of giving up come into play. I promised her I would never give up. I'm not saying I will act on those thoughts. I would never do that to our son to our grandsons.

I'm unable now to sleep in OUR bed. I can't bear the cold emptiness on her side. I wake and reach and she's not there. Even with Little Man laying there on her pillow. I am staying on the sofa... With the tv on or music on. I can't take the quiet. I feel so broken. I feel so guilty. I am letting my princess down. I'm breaking promises I made to her. Ones I made seven weeks ago later tonight as I held her and she looked at me eyes meeting... Tears coming from her eyes... Of happiness and of love. Yet I'm letting her down. Our incredible bond and connection was never so strong in simple silence minutes before she breathed her last breath. I want to have that once again. If only for a minute. To kiss her head, her cheek and hold her close with my hand on her heart feeling it as she flew to Heaven. But still not moving an inch just continued to hold onto her.

I've not stopped listening to this song... One played at her memorial.

It makes me feel closer. But so not close enough. I remember still her voice even though for quite a while before she passed, her ability to talk was robbed by ALS. But her voice is fading just a bit. That terrifies me. If the day comes when I cannot remember her sweet voice, I don't know how my heart could live with that.

I'm sorry. For struggling. When I should be strong. I'm sorry for everyone on this journey. I'm sorry for all the new comers who have arrived here. Wherever you are on this journey... I am truly sorry.

Butch

[kayc]

I still remember George's voice as clear as if it were yesterday. He'd call me and say, "Hi Hon..." I hear it again and again. Don't worry, I doubt you'll lose it in your mind.

No need to apologize! You haven't let us down, more importantly, you haven't let Mary down. What you feel you promised...neither of you could have know how great that would be shaken and challenged. Not even Mary with her faith...for she hadn't gone through losing you. It's bad enough to lose a dear brother, a sister in law, but a husband or wife...they are your other half, they live with you, they are the core of your being, they are wrapped up in all that is your existence...and they are the very one you turn to when life tosses you its curves. Mary still had you to go through everything with when she lost Leo, Ziggy, Shannon. You don't have her to help you through this loss. Or at least you feel you don't. With time, you'll learn to draw from her when you need to. I have. George saw me through my hardest places these last ten years...job loss, heartbreak, loss of mother, job loss again, again, medical challenges, financial devastation, it was his words of comfort and encouragement that saw me through, his faith and belief in me, they echo in my mind and carry my heart...and this place, this place has been here through and through, day after day, celebrating triumphs, encouraging me through challenges, spurring me on.

Your strength means you are here today, you are hanging in there, regardless of how you see it. It is all any of us can do! We will continue to be here for you, Butch.

[shalady]

I don't think I can add anything to what Kay has already said. I too still can hear Bob's voice. I still turn to him and find strength to go on. This is the hardest thing in the world and we cant expect ourselves to spring out of it. Our world has been turned upside down. We need not apologize for our grief. We are here for you, we understand, we comfort you. You are strong even when you feel you are not. Mary is with you, watching over you. She is and will continue to give you strength. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Shalady

[enna]

Well Butch,

It sounds like you are doing just what you need to do and that is feeling your grief and allowing yourself to mourn for the great loss you have gone through. Good for you for giving yourself permission to mourn. Mary would be proud of you. You have not “let her down.” You are expressing yourself just as those of us who have lost someone so significant have done. Many of us have been where you are right now.

I am glad you have come back here to share your pain. We understand. We will not run away. We honor one another’s pain as we listen and hold you in our hearts.

You will do what we all have done in the past and that is to take one hour, one day at a time. Don’t think about tomorrow or next week for those times haven’t been given to you yet. Try to focus on the present. Continue to love those around you. Allow yourself to be where you are right now and don’t see it as anything other than what it is ~ deep, aching sorrow that feels like your entire body is being ripped to pieces.

In time, you will begin to remember those happy times and they will give you some comfort. Right now, you need to just be where you are and let that be enough.

I love the song you posted. I can’t tell you how often I have played certain songs that hold meaning to me as my Jim was slowly slipping away from me. There is nothing wrong with that.

I hold you in my heart and send prayers.

Anne

[kayc]

I just listened to the song, it's beautiful and fits so perfectly.

[LadyCarrie]

Dear Butch,

I can add nothing to what has already been said, but I want you to know that I continue to pray for you every day, and sometimes several times a day. I find that dish washing time is a good time to remember people.

Blessings and hugs,

Carrie

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Butch

I don't post often now on here, just on the Tools and quotes threads because I don't feel I can help. My beloved Pete died almost three years ago and it's still raw. But I just wanted to send you loving thoughts from England. I feel for you and you have suffered so much. I hope you can receive strength from somewhere. Jan

[R.Everit55]

Thank you. So very much. My heart hurts so much right now. I just can't escape it. But reading your thoughts and caring helps... It does. So thank you.