Just lost Mom

[Lisaba1]

Hello all,

My mom died on 4/16. Her funeral was on 4/20. Mom lived with us (my husband and three kids, 23, 20 and 15) for eight years. We built an addition and we were very comfortable living together. In early December 2015 we found out Mom had small cell lung cancer and she went right into treatment. After three rounds in February, Mom decided hospice was what she wanted so that's what we did. We had a relatively positive experience with hospice, thankfully. I started working part-time in December to help work around her treatment schedule and when I saw her weakening and felt the need to be home more, i took a complete leave of absence in early March. Best decision I ever made because I got several really good weeks with her. We all spent tons of time with her. I spent a lot of time on the internet researching end of life issues so I would have an idea of what to expect. She took a turn on 4/6 and went downhill from there.

i have siblings but everything fell in my lap. My sister lives out of state and my brother helped when he could. But I had the impression that they got to be away from the issue of mom dying when they weren't with her whereas it was a constant worry since she began with symptoms in October/November. For six months I entered the house through her front door instead of mine to check on her.  I cooked, cleaned, did laundry and kept her company every night, not to mention coordinating appointments prior to hospice and then all the hospice stuff. The stress of the constant worry has taken a toll. And now it's suddenly over.  

I'm a doer. I don't often take time to analyze my emotions. I am keeping busy as I can. The household had gotten into disarray since we were so focused on Mom so I've got a long task list, not to mention thank you notes and doing executrix work and cleaning Mom's closets, etc. we are beginning to use her space as a family room and it's helped mitigate some of the very heavy energy which was in her rooms the last week of her life.

I think I did all for Mom that I could and I'm grateful that I had that time with her. It's irreplaceable and an honor.  I just don't know what to do with myself now. How I'm supposed to feel. I cry a few times a day when something strikes me. I think everything feels so very poignant because of her living and dying while living with us. I guess somehow I dont know how to turn inward and get in touch with the emotions that I've suppressed for six months so that I could concentrate on her and present a positive light to her and our kids. I guess I don't know HOW to mourn. HOW to grieve. How to help myself really. I am not planning on going back to work until June. I'm sleeping when I can although insomnia is an ongoing issue of mine. During the last week of moms life prior to her getting a catheter I was sleeping with her downstairs and was up every couple of hours helping her to the commode. After she was bed ridden I was still up often giving her meds and checking on her and talking to her. I had an active day gardening today. I'm thinking I need to honor my body and what I've been through and take it one day at a time to heal, but if there is something else I could be doing I'd love to hear any advice. I am going to the beach tomorrow with two of my good girlfriends so maybe talking with them will help. I haven't talked any of this out with anyone yet. It's so fresh. 

Thsnk you for reading. 

 

[kayc]

Lisaba1,

I am sorry for the loss of your mom.  I lost my own mom 1 1/2 years ago following advanced dementia & Leukemia.  She was in a dementia care center as she needed 24/7 lockdown and more attendents to help with her.  I do know what fulltime caregiving is like though as I took care of my MIL when she was bedridden with cancer.  I had babies at the time so it was very, very hard doing everything, and I had to go to her home, ten miles away, to take care of her, but my FIL stayed with her at night.  He just wasn't able to cope, and she was my best friend, so I did it.

When it was over, I was left feeling a loss of identity and purpose.  For so long I had been administering to her, I didn't know what to do when she was gone.  It was hard.  I'd put my own life on hold for so long and with little kids I needed to get back into concentrating on them, esp. since my oldest was exhibiting signs of this all affecting her.

You ask how to mourn...I think you are mourning.  We all do it differently.  I'm glad you're able to take some time off work, even being executor of estate is a lot of work.  I'm glad you're going to be with your GFs today so you can talk with them.

How are things with you and your husband?  It can take effort to reconnect after putting your life on hold for so long.  I'm glad you were able to be with her like you were, those memories will be a treasure the rest of your life, even the painful ones, as I realized after taking care of mom & my time with my own mother.  

It'll be important to take care of yourself, because often we are the ones that have been let go when caregiving, make sure to eat healthy, drink plenty of fluid, get exercise, etc. And see a grief counselor that can help you through your grief.  They are trained to guide us through it as when we're in it it can be hard to see even what's obvious.

Just remember that all of your feelings are valid.  I hope you don't experience it, but sometimes people's comments can be inappropriate if not way off base.  It's because they don't understand grieving and in their effort to relate they say platitudes that often hurt rather than help.  We who are here have learned to let a lot of it go but when you feel the need, stand up for yourself and set the record straight, keeping in mind that they mean well.

I hope your day goes well today.  Also, I'd schedule an appt. with your doctor, talk to him about what you've been through and your ongoing insomnia.

[MartyT]

Lisa, my dear, I'm so sorry to learn of your mother's death barely one week ago, and we all extend our heartfelt condolences to you and your family.

You said "I'm thinking I need to honor my body and what I've been through and take it one day at a time to heal" ~ and we cannot recommend anything better than that. You know yourself better than anyone else does, and now is the time to tune into what your body is telling you. Pay attention!

You also said "if there is something else I could be doing I'd love to hear any advice." As you come to know us here, and as you feel ready and able to read through so many of our threads, you will find all sorts of useful suggestions. Bear in mind, however, that as Kay so wisely observed,  "often we are the ones that have been let go when caregiving, make sure to eat healthy, drink plenty of fluid, get exercise, etc." 

You may find this article helpful, as it contains all sorts of additional suggestions, as well as links to dozens more:  Bereavement: Doing The Work of Grief

[Lisaba1]

Marty, thank you very much for the link. I will dive in and begin to learn. 

[Clematis]

Lisa, I am so sorry to hear about your losing your mom. Your situation seems much like my own; my dad-that I was caring for-died on Jan 13,  and so I am on the same road as you. So much of what you wrote is familiar to me. My siblings are across the country, I am the executor and everything fell in my lap-before and after his death. I had gradually taken on an increasing amount of caregiving for him as he went downhill from Parkinson's and without realizing it, my caring for him had become a huge part of my identity and purpose. When he died (suddenly in my opinion), I was staggered my how much more I was impacted than I thought I would be. I knew I would miss him and be sad, but I never thought his loss would throw me into a confusion about who I was and what was my purpose, and that there would be this enormous void in my life. People think I am a a strong person, and I can see their point, but these months I have felt as fragile as a wet kleenex blowing in the wind. It's getting a little better, but it sure has been a hard road. I have been amazed at how little exhausts me.

Grief is different for everyone and no one can tell you exactly what to expect or do. But since it was your mom and you were caring for her, it's likely to be significant. I think in the beginning the most important thing is to take care of yourself and be careful. Quite literally, be careful when you are walking, driving, cooking, and doing anything where there is any risk. In my first weeks, I lost my keys, purse, sunglasses, etc. I lost three debit/credit cards that I have yet to ever see again. I fell-several times, almost rolled the car, and came close to a head-on collision (the other driver was on my side of the road driving too fast and sliding around a corner on the ice). I felt lucky to clip the guard rail and get a little bump on my front bumper. 

I think it's also important to find your own time frame and not let anyone push you. Anything that someone else can and will do for you is a blessing. I was and am used to be a caretaker, but I need people to take care of me. In the beginning I felt totally alone, because I live alone with a cat. She is great but she has yet to offer to make me dinner! Her response is always to point out to me that if I would just feed the cat everything would be better. And truthfully, she's right. Sometimes all I can do is what's right in front of me-feed the cat-and myself-pay the electric bill before it gets shut off, and leave it at that.

I think Kay is right in suggesting a grief counselor and seeing a doctor. Find time for anything that seems like it would make you feel better, even for the moment. And keep coming back here to this forum. You'll find a lot of love and support from people who are on the same road as you...

[Lisaba1]

Clematis, thank you very much for sharing your experience with me. I am very sorry for your loss. 

I can relate to the advice of being careful. I have been extra fumbly and forgetful of late. I just sat down and made a short list of things to do so that I accomplish something every day. Otherwise I know I will fall into a dangerous funk. My boss has been so kind throughout and is giving me until June 1st to come back to work. I miss work, but I have so much to both get done and to recover mentally and physically. As you said, my everything was put on hold the minute we heard she had cancer. I scheduled my mammogram for next week that is about six months overdue. 

Lol that your cat won't make you dinner. It's funny my dog is 10 years old, a golden retriever, and she loved mom and had a routine with her. Penny hasn't left my side since mom passed. It's amazing how much animals enrich our world. 

I will keep visiting. Thank you all so very much. 

Lisa

[kayc]

My dog is half Golden Retriever and half Siberian Husky.  He is wonderful about being sensitive to what I am going through, and provides wonderful companionship, so I'm not surprised that Penny hasn't left your side.

[Lisaba1]

Kayc, 

you asked how things are between my husband and me. We're actually doing pretty well. he is also very sad about Mom. They were close, and had a great relationship. He is being very sweet, and I am trying to remember that he needs support as well.

Lisa

[kayc]

I'm so glad you have such a supportive and understanding husband, I did too (he's passed).  That makes all the difference in the world!

[Lisaba1]

kayc ... I am so sorry to hear about your husband passing. Thank you for your generosity of spirit in sharing so much of yourself. I find that a beautiful thing. In fact, that's one thing I've learned throughout Mom's illness and death - how wonderful people can be.

[kayc]

It's been nearly 11 years so I've had time to adjust to it, but it's only been 1 1/2 years since I lost my mom to dementia & Leukemia.   It was a long journey, as anyone who has gone through this knows, dementia, the disease of 1,000 deaths.  I've learned more in this journey than the rest of my life put together!