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LoriVeli

Loosing my Mom / Best Friend to terminal Brain Cancer

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Hi there, I'm new to this group and searching for support. My mom was diagnosed with Stage 4 Glioblastoma brain cancer in March 2016. She is only 67 with 4 kids, 8 Grandkids and 1 Great-Grandbaby. My mom is my best friend and I can't imagine living without her. She had her tumor removed April 1st and has finished 6 weeks of radiation and on her 5th cycle of Chemo. Although the tumor was removed, this is a very aggressive cancer with no cure and the tumor usually grows back within months or even weeks. We are taking one day at a time but I'm really struggling with the thought of living the rest of my life without her. Everyone says to spend as much time as possible with her but it's impossible because she is so sick and weak from her chemo that she can't even get out of bed. This cancer and treatment is slowly killing my mom and it's so hard to watch. I'm trying so hard to remain positive for her but I also know the reality of this beast and I hate to watch her suffer. How do you remain positive when you know this cancer is killing the most important person in your life? I miss her so much already and yet she's still here. 

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Dear Lori,

I am very sorry to hear that you are feeling all this pain right now with your mom going through everything that she going through. You don’t have to “feel positive” for there really isn’t anything positive about this. Of course, you hate to see her suffer. After all, she is your mom who is going through a most difficult time in her life. It is important that you allow yourself to feel just what you are feeling. There is no emotion not “normal” at this time.

Do you have a person you can talk with about all of the things going on?  You don’t have to do this alone and having found this place you won’t be alone. This forum is filled with caring, loving people who understand how much pain and fear you are going through. I don’t know where you live but there are hospice teams in so many states who could talk with you and/or your family about options like palliative care. They guide you through this time and are both helpful to not only your mom but also to the family.

It would help you to do some reading and learn what you can about what others have to say about anticipatory grief (waiting for a loved one to die) and loss of a parent. These are a few articles that have helped me.

Grieving Someone Who is Still Alive

Anticipatory Grief and Mourning

Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song

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Lori,

I am sorry for the reason that brings you here.  My MIL was the mom I'd always wanted and best friend, and I was her caregiver as she slowly died from cancer.  At the time my kids were real little age 1 to 5.  I was with her every day, and you are right, it is so hard to watch them suffering.  I just tried to make her as comfortable as possible.  She elected to discontinue chemo as it made her so sick and the cancer was already spread throughout her body.  If there would have been a chance for her to get over it, she would have done chemo or anything, but that wasn't the case.  They'd sent her home on hospice.  They'd given her a couple of weeks to live, but it went on for almost three years, so I guess you never know what's ahead.  At the time, I stayed in the day, not thinking about time, one day at a time was all I could handle.  There came a time we had to limit visits from family and pastor only.

Thank you for posting the links, Anne, it helps explain it, I hope it will be of some help.

At the time we went through it, there was no internet, let alone forums like this, it would have helped a lot.  As it was, there was no time to travel 120 mile round trip to a support group.  There was no time for anything, it was all about getting through that day.

Even though it was hard, it was special too, I wouldn't do it any other way than we did it, I'm glad for each moment I got with her, and I'm glad she got to be in her home, that is what she wanted.  It's so important to honor their wishes where we can.

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Lori, my dear, I too am so sorry to learn of your mother's serious illness, and I echo what Anne and Kay have already said to you. I know that time is precious to you right now, and I'm sure you have so little of it to spend in search of all the resources available to you ~ so I hope you may find this page to be helpful in that regard: Coping with a Cancer Diagnosis: Suggested Resources 

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