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Janka

Long suppressed grief.

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I´ve been suppressing my grief in front of the strange people for 6 long years.I´m not that kind of person who will show my personal grief to the strangers around.I´ve coped with my suffering with all the strength I´ve got,all alone,surrounded by the best friends of mine only who know what has happened to me so far.However there´re situations in life that may still surprise myself though.Today was the day.It hit me so hard.I cried out so many tears after all of those years in front of the others around who didn´t understand anything at all.It didn´t make me feel better then,my deepest wounds hidden at the bottom of my heart started bleeding again,but I realized at that moment how much pain I still bring inside of me,how much I wanted to get it out at last and how much ignorance I´ve felt being surrounded by those people who don´t understand what the pain does.Now I know...now I see...now I´m aware of that all...Now I also know that I wanna be surrounded by people who walk in such shoes as myself only,who may understand what it means...who know how it feels...who take care...no matter how much time has passed by...

It was the worst day again.I still have the tears in my eyes.Oh,how much it hurts!
 

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         Janka

 

 

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I'm so sorry, Janka ~ but I hope you know that here, in this special place, you are surrounded by those of us who do know the pain of loss, and we are here not to "fix" it ~ because we know that there is no "fixing it" ~ but rather to sit with you, to listen, and to hurt with you  

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As I was typing this I see that Marty, a wise teacher, responded to your post Janka. Her responses are what has kept many of us continue to find value in coming here.

 Dear Janka and others who are going through a tough time,

I am so sorry that you have once again had a day that was so upsetting to you. I understand and know how much some days can hurt so badly. I am sure that you have heard about how our grief can be likened to a rollercoaster ride or how some days we seem to be caught up in ocean waves that never let us come up for air. It is how grief is. It is said by so many wise teachers that when we have loved deeply we will grieve deeply.

I have learned over these past 5 years and 6 months that the rollercoaster ride does stop at some point and the waves in the ocean are sometimes calm. This life after the loss of our significant others will always be an ‘ebb and flow’ process that will test our endurance. I have gotten a little better at riding the waves understanding that sometime down the line they will go through a calm stage. It is at the calm stage that I talk to myself and tell myself that once again I made it and will continue to make it because I am a strong, wise woman.

In my early grief I spent quite a bit of time in a deep hole thinking that I’d never be able to climb out but I did and I know that I made the climb out because I had dear friends who sat at the top of the hole just allowing me to do what I had to do. Grief friends understand and will sit with you for as long as it takes. I find that I don’t need to explain my grief to those who do not understand. Grief people here on this site understand and they are the friends who will sit with you ~ no judgments, no telling you it’s time to ‘get over it,’ no trying to ‘fix’ you because they know that you are not ‘broken’ rather you are grieving and grief takes as long as it takes. These thoughts are not my own rather they come from those wise teachers who understand that with ‘grief work’ we will make it.

Anne

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My dear Anne, thank you for this. You are indeed one of the strongest and wisest women I am honored to know and love 

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And I've learned over the years not to fight the grief or despise it, but to hang on and ride the waves.  You fight against it, it just makes it harder.  I've learned not to fear it as I did in the beginning.  It is, after all, my partner in life now.

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9 hours ago, kayc said:

And I've learned over the years not to fight the grief or despise it, but to hang on and ride the waves.  You fight against it, it just makes it harder.  I've learned not to fear it as I did in the beginning.  It is, after all, my partner in life now.

I don´t want a grief to be my partner in life at all.This is not my point of view and I hope it´ll never be.Your answer only made me feel worse.

Janka

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Janka, please don't let anything that anyone says "make" you feel worse. How you feel is always under your own control, and no one can "make" you feel anything without your consent. I think what Kay means is that our grief will follow us no matter where we go, and no matter how hard we may try to deny it or leave it behind. The point is that rather than denying it or trying to bury it, we can learn how to carry it so we can live with it.

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On ‎26‎.‎11‎.‎2017 at 10:52 PM, enna said:

As I was typing this I see that Marty, a wise teacher, responded to your post Janka. Her responses are what has kept many of us continue to find value in coming here.

 Dear Janka and others who are going through a tough time,

I am so sorry that you have once again had a day that was so upsetting to you. I understand and know how much some days can hurt so badly. I am sure that you have heard about how our grief can be likened to a rollercoaster ride or how some days we seem to be caught up in ocean waves that never let us come up for air. It is how grief is. It is said by so many wise teachers that when we have loved deeply we will grieve deeply.

I have learned over these past 5 years and 6 months that the rollercoaster ride does stop at some point and the waves in the ocean are sometimes calm. This life after the loss of our significant others will always be an ‘ebb and flow’ process that will test our endurance. I have gotten a little better at riding the waves understanding that sometime down the line they will go through a calm stage. It is at the calm stage that I talk to myself and tell myself that once again I made it and will continue to make it because I am a strong, wise woman.

In my early grief I spent quite a bit of time in a deep hole thinking that I’d never be able to climb out but I did and I know that I made the climb out because I had dear friends who sat at the top of the hole just allowing me to do what I had to do. Grief friends understand and will sit with you for as long as it takes. I find that I don’t need to explain my grief to those who do not understand. Grief people here on this site understand and they are the friends who will sit with you ~ no judgments, no telling you it’s time to ‘get over it,’ no trying to ‘fix’ you because they know that you are not ‘broken’ rather you are grieving and grief takes as long as it takes. These thoughts are not my own rather they come from those wise teachers who understand that with ‘grief work’ we will make it.

Anne

My dear Anne!

Thank you from the heart for your reply to my post!You´re always so responsive,sensitive and thoughtful to what I go through at the moment.It has helped a lot.You put a smile on my face again.I try to find a little happiness in my life again and being surrounded by people who know what to say,because they understand,makes me feel better and grateful.

With love Janka

5a1c97f34acc8_Thankyou-pohybujucesa.gif.82c567c633b6c02e5968781d9e0daf41.gif

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14 minutes ago, MartyT said:

Janka, please don't let anything that anyone says "make" you feel worse. How you feel is always under your own control, and no one can "make" you feel anything without your consent. I think what Kay means is that our grief will follow us no matter where we go, and no matter how hard we may try to deny it or leave it behind. The point is that rather than denying it or trying to bury it, we can learn how to carry it so we can live with it.

You´re right,dear Marty!That´s the reason why I´m still alive,because I´ve been strong enough to live with my pain by now,but I also wanna find a little bit of happiness again too.I don´t wanna swim in the lake of my tears for the rest of my life.I try to think in a positive way despite of everything that has happened to me.

Thanks for your kind reply!I appreciate it a lot!

Hugs from Janka

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22 hours ago, kayc said:

 You fight against it, it just makes it harder.  I've learned not to fear it as I did in the beginning. 

I don´t fight against at all.You didn´t understand my post.People around me say how wise and brave I am after all I´ve been going through.If I had a fear,I´d be dead now.I´ve coped the best I can with my pain so far.I have the hardest time now not related to my grief,so I came here to find a little comfort and more understanding.I have a fever,terrible pains and can´t get up from the bed now.That´s all I wanted to say.

Janka

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I wasn't addressing you, just stating something I've learned, you can take it or leave it.

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I´ve been arranging my things in the flat lately...One day after reaching out the corner,I pulled out one CD that I could not have found many years before.I took it in my hands and found on there the handwriting of my beloved man Jan with many photos of us two that I had been missing for a very long time.Maybe you can imagine what it caused me after.Immense joy mixed with horrible pain at the same time.I was crying like I had used to do at the beginning again.No words can describe the pain I felt inside at that moment.I haven´t seen all of those pics of us by now.I can not,because I already know what the pain will do to me then.So I kept looking at them for later,hoping that one day I´ll be able to do it at last.The CD was there 6 years...6 long years...since he had died...Sometimes I think that my beloved one did it to me to give me a comfort as I´ve had a very hard times lately...I come to the point when I start being speechless...Being without him hurt as much as before once again...

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                                       Janka

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