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mik

My dad is sick and only has a short time

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My dad is sick. It is only a matter of time before he is gone. I have posted in other forums here, loss of a partner, ect. I am now facing the loss of my father. I don't know what to do? Of course there is nothing that I can do. I have just learned of just how bad off he is, on my birthday of all days. My dad is 84 years old. I knew the day would come when he would not be here. I thought I was somewhat prepared for this.  I have been living at home for the most part taking care of my mom and dad, so their medical issues are no surprise. Apparently they are. I  am afraid, in shock, in denial, and so sad that it's hard to get through the day. I realize I learned just how bad things are on Friday, but thought I would be stronger than I feel right now. Especially after losing the two men in my life that I loved with everything that I have. Thought that this would make me stronger. It hasent. We (the family) dosent know how long it will be till dad is' gone. The doctor said his cancer is "agressive".  Membes of my extended family have been here to spend time with my dad. All I can do is to spend time upstairs in my apartment and try to focus on anything other than whats going on. I dont know what I will do without him? What is my poor mother going to do? They have been married almost 60 years. I am 57, an adult, but have centered the last 20 years around both of them.  Is there anyone out there who knows what this is like?  Sigh...

 

 

Edited by mik
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I am so sorry.

Alas I've been through it so many times, and am now going through anticipatory grief with my eldest sister, Donna (posted in loss of sister section), I didn't post it here because they gave us 24 hours...twice.  That was a few weeks ago, she'd still here, but it doesn't look to be much longer.  

I, like you, felt in shock/denial at first.  It couldn't be! She doesn't have cancer or some terminal illness, maybe they're wrong!  No, she's dying.  She's quadriplegic and when they did the emergency trach 50 years ago they butchered her vocal chords and trach so she has a hard time communicating and she chokes easily.  She aspirates fluid or food into her lungs easily, it brings on Pneumonia, but now that she's older (75) it's getting harder and harder for her to bounce back.  She was hospitalized for it in Nov., again in Dec. but in January the doctor wouldn't admit her, put her on hospice.  I had to demand palliative care for her (treatment, antibiotics) as I told them, she can't be comfortable when she can't breathe.  She doesn't eat much, sleeps all the time, skin and bones now.  How can this be?  They aren't allowing visitors because she doesn't have the energy, she isn't up to it.  I won't likely ever see her again.

My other sister said she realized this two months ago, I felt angry that she hadn't told me how grave it was, all this time I was fighting for her to live.  It made acceptance impossible.  But I guess we all come to it when we come to it, the when isn't important.

I lost my dad when I was 29, my mom just 3 1/2 years ago following years of dementia (she also had leukemia).  The leukemia kind of took a back seat, they weren't treating her for it because she was stage 4 dementia.  You know they're going to die, you know it might be the kindest thing for them, but all the same, when it happens, finality sets in.  You want to call (which I couldn't do the last couple of years anyway) or visit (she was in a dementia cares facility over two hours away but I used to go see her a couple of times a week after work), but then it hits you you can't ever do that again.  Even now, I still want to pick up the phone and call her even though she hadn't been in a semi-normal mind for years, you forget that, you still want to talk, not about anything in particular, just spend time with her.  But she's gone.

I took care of my MIL the last three years of her life, she had cancer, they'd given her three weeks and sent her home from the hospital...it was almost three years.  We watched her go, bit by bit, it was the hardest thing, my kids were little then, I was in my thirties.  She was like a mother to me, my own mom was never quite right, but I was blessed with the best MIL, she was my best friend, I didn't see how I could go on without her.  When I saw her suffering so, I wanted to help her out of it but of course I couldn't.  We can help our dogs but not our parents.  :(  I did everything I could for her, would arrange all these pieces of foam under her just right so she wouldn't hurt, would cook her her favorite foods, but everything tasted like s*** she said.  Cancer, the horrific enemy.  I was her link to the outside world, even though I spent most of my waking hours with her.  My kids were aged 1-5 when we went through it, having to be quiet so they didn't disturb grandma.  We had her in the living room of her house.  Her husband stayed with her at night, I'd be there until nine or eleven at night, sometimes my husband would take the kids home and put them to bed, sometimes we transferred them after they went to sleep.  It was hard for them, living with death, it was hard for all of us.  Yet I wouldn't do anything different, it was a special time, I can't put it into words, the bonding, being there for her.

It's hard to let go.  I hate it when people tell you to let go, after they die, none of their business!  We do what we do in our own time and way, no one can rush it.  I've learned to stand my ground with people particularly when it comes to grief.  There is only one way through it, and that is our way.

I'm sorry you're going through this so quickly after losing your partner.  I can tell you that you are strong and you will get through this, but I can't say how, I only know that we do, one day at a time and it sure as hell doesn't feel like we will at the time.  It's weird, time warps, sometimes it feels like forever and sometimes it stands still.  Just keep going, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and be in the moment.  Right now your dad is what counts, do all you can to keep him comfortable and free from pain.  Aggressive means he'll probably go fast but I've learned with cancer you never know.  I lost a good friend to it last year.  Her beginning symptom to her final breath was two months but from when they opened and closed her back up and said what was wrong, sent her home on hospice, it was two weeks to the day.  Makes it very hard to process, we were friends nearly 40 years.

I wish you peace and strength and encouragement for this journey.  You'll be there for your mom.  We're never prepared for this I don't think.  Keep posting your thoughts, it's a good outlet.

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Thank you.   

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Hello, Thanks for reaching out. I appreciate your strength during this time. I am sorry to hear about the sickness of your beloved father. I pray for your strength and your mother's. It's good that you care for both of them and been there for your dad. We have been there with a sick love one and no one knows our pain or how we feel. God is with you and I encourage you to pray to him. Also, take your dad's hand and pray with him. Continue to be there for your mom. I admire your strength and how you are there for your mom and dad. Hugs. Blessings!

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Thank you for your kind words. My father passed and we are preparing for his funeral on Tuesday.  I am heartsick.

 

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Kimberly,

I am so sorry.  I hope the funeral brings comfort to you.  I know it all probably seems surreal right now, but knowing there are people that care and seeing the support and love from those who cared for for your dad, I hope that is a healing comfort to you.

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