Be Strong

[dpodesta]

Everyone says that I need to be strong for Carson, how can I be strong for him when I can't be strong for myself. Who is supposed to be strong for me? My house is a mess and it is driving me crazy, but I don't feel like picking it up. I have to put up a Christmas tree for Carson, and I don't want to mess with it. He won't understand if I don't put it up. My life is good, but at the same time it sucks like hell. I don't want to go on living, but I have to for Carson. Life shouldn't be like this. I should want to live for myself, not someone else but it is Carson that keeps me here. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but I just need to get it out.

Derek

[shell]

Derek,

I understand where you're at. I'm in the same place. I take care of my mom and my cats and I want to be there for them....I love them with all my heart, as you do Carson. But I get so tired of having no one there for me. There are days when I really wonder how much more stress and fear and pain I can take. Then I look at them and know I HAVE to make it, but sometimes I feel I'm going to crack into a million pieces. I have all the responsibility of everything on my shoulders (and so do you!) and it's scary as hell. I so relate to what you said about your life being good, but at the same time it sucks. I wish I had some answer. I'm still looking for one. If it helps at all, you are not alone. I think of you and Carson so much and just wish we were geographically closer so I could help. All we can dream of is that someday, something will happen that will make us feel alive and happy and secure. Just hang onto that hope.

A very big hug,

Shell

[lorikelly]

Derek

Just do the best you can. put up a small tree not as big. we only put up a 4ft and my boys are ok. my boys are 8 and 11. explained to Carson, they understand more then we give them credit for. you are both grieving. i know it is hard to have to take care of him when you are a mess. just do your best. you are a wonderful dad and karen is guiding you. i am praying for you and i know that God will give us strenght. hang in there , we are here for you. Lori

[STOO]

Derek,

From reading your posts these past months I know that you are a very good father. Yes, it is unfair that Carson does not have a mother BUT he has a wonderful father. Just continue to love him as you always have. Right now he is your lifeline; I'm happy for you that you do have your beautiful son.

I know it sucks and it is not fair. Everyone here knows how unfair life can be, and we all suffer in our grief. Try putting up a tree, and carrying out any special family traditions. I think that they might bring you some comfort.

I will pray for you and for Carson, that you will share some happiness this season. ~SToo~