Pressure to be strong

[Degasgirl]

I am planning to go up to my dad's house (2 hours away) either this weekend or next with my husband and our 2 girls. This is the first time we'll be back up there since my mom passed away in July. I am absolutely dreading going into their house but want to see my dad and feel like I need to get it over with. None of my siblings live close to him. My brothers and sister-in-laws all say "you have to be strong for Dad when you go". My dad doesn't like to talk about it either and I make him upset when I cry. I understand that but I'm just one of those very emotional people who has trouble controlling it. I feel frustrated with my own family with their expectations for me to be strong. NOTHING will ever be the same and it's only been 2 months. I told my dad tonight sometimes I just need to cry with him and be sad with him but he said he's just not ready to do that. I tell him he shouldn't bottle it up (I don't think he totally does but he doesn't want to talk about it). I'm planning to go to a grief support group that starts in September so I'm hoping that will help. I'm just feeling so helpless with my overwhelming grief and the thought of going to their house with all her things still there. I feel like I shouldn't feel bad that I'm still so sad but that's how my family makes me feel. As time goes on it definitely feels worse. I think at first when it happens and everyone is there and grieving it's almost easier. I mean because then it's "ok" to feel that way. I feel like now there is an expectation to have gotten over the all out crying and grieving- except that isn't how it is for me. I'm tired of always feeling sad and trying to go on like normal. I'm a teacher and will start school again soon which I'm sure will be good for me. 

[kayc]

You can't expect yourself to be over your grieving, but perhaps try to hold it together for your dad when you're with him and let down and cry when he isn't around.  Everyone handles grief differently, but in trying to respect his wishes, I'd try not to fall apart in front of him.  Maybe he's one of those private people that wants to do his crying when he's alone.  Perhaps a grief counselor would be of help to you.  How are your girls and how old are they?  I hope you're able to talk with them and encourage them to talk about their feelings and maybe color a picture for grandma, it might help them let it out...not around grandpa though.

[enna]

I am sorry to hear that you lost your mom in July. This is so very early in your loss.

We learn very early on that family members grieve differently. I agree with Kay and I’d try to accept your father’s wishes as best you can. You did not mention the ages of your girls, but they need to know that it is okay to cry and talk about their grandma even if it is only with you and your husband.  Sometimes the innocence of children can help the adult to have a natural conversation about their loss. Perhaps your children can say something to grandpa about how much they miss their grandma.

If your father doesn’t want to talk about your mom’s death you could ask him if there is anything you can do to help him while you are there. If he is not ready to tackle all the paperwork that follows a death you could work around the house. Your husband can do some of the chores that need attention. You could prepare some dishes and freeze them so he has some good meals. He will need to keep his strength up just as you and your family need to care for yourselves.

You are so right about those first weeks after someone dies. People step up and are present to the griever. I assure you, it will get worse after you start to process this painful loss. It is good that you will be busy with school soon and that your children will also, but you will need to set aside time to grieve for your loss.

I hope you will seek out a good grief counselor to help you navigate this loss especially with your family really not wanting to talk about things. Each one of us grieves differently and it’s important to understand that there is no time limit on grieving.

Anne

[Degasgirl]

My girls are 12 and 14. They were super close to my mom and would often call her. She was a second mother to them for sure. It's strange though, because I'm sure they are grieving but they too do not want to talk about it. My 14 year old did not cry at all until the last moment at the memorial service. My 12 year old did cry a few times. They see me cry sometimes and will walk away. I tell them I'm feeling sad about Grammy and they don't say anything. I ask them if they feel sad and want to talk about it but they both say they feel sad sometimes but don't cry. I said that's ok too. I guess I am the only one in my family who's just a blubbering fool! I have and always have had, a hard time controlling my emotions if I am sad. I joke that I wish I could get my tear ducts seen closed! That's just how I am and my family knows it. I'm just stressed about trying to hold it together in front of my dad. I think it's also harder not living close by so we're not able to just drop in and see him frequently. Although I'm sure that's not easier either. I'm hoping a grief support group will help. Thankfully I have some amazing friends who have lost their moms too and they have been an incredible source of comfort and strength for me. It's hard not having a sister at times like these I feel. I am also very close to my aunt (my moms sister) but she lives across the country. Thank goodness for texting and phone calls! 

[kayc]

My kids' paternal grandma died when they were young...my daughter five and my son three.  She lived ten miles away and we spent a lot of time together.

Years later, my daughter was in her 20s and someone stole the angel ornaments her grandma had given her as a young child.  She cried, it broke her heart, something sacred that meant a lot to her had been taken from her and she felt the violation hard.  It was then I realized just how much her grandma had meant to her.  Those ornaments were symbolic of so much more.  

Do your girls have something to remember their grandma by?  

I agree with Anne, I think a grief counselor would be helpful, to all of you.

Anne also offered some practical suggestions.  When my MIL died, I cleaned the house for my FIL for the first year.  I also cooked for him and did his mending as those were things my MIL would have done for him.

[Cathyc]

I agree that a grief support group is a good idea. In terms of your daughters, I appreciate your joking about it but I wonder if they have been learning somewhere that it is wrong to cry or that it is a sign of weakness? Perhaps you have already talked to them about why some people find it healthy to cry and release their emotions physically. If not, you might want to mention that so they don't assume that crying per se is wrong or unhealthy. For me, I found crying really helpful but had to learn to hold it in until the time and place were right to release it. Maybe this is to ask your counsellor about.