Paul S

I don't think that your feelings of missing her are at all selfish, at least not in the bad sense. I think that they are are natural feelings. You want something that you can't have anymore, which is like being selfish, but when it comes to missing a loved one, that's an acceptable kind of "selfish".

For me, personally, I couldn't do what you did, Lori. I wish I was able to but my departure from the old house was painful and very trying emotionally. It colored everything that has happened since. I catch a glimpse of the new owner's landscaping/yardwork activities and I'm like "WHAT ARE THEY THINKING??? DON"T THEY KNOW ANYTHING????" I am very glad you got some "closure" or settlement for your old house. I'm looking forward to leaving my town in a year.

Thank you Kelly. The loss of whomever it was that brought us here is only a part of the whole issue of griefwork. The house was about a year ago, and I thought I had dealt with it successfully back then when I learned of its sale and that people were moving in. I said a prayer for them as a way of "letting go". I felt better afterwards. But it wasn't to last. I saw that they were butchering the yardwork and landscaping, stuff that had been there for decades (it was my family's home for nearly 60 years, and mine for 33 of my own 44). That just hurt. During my grief counseling sessions I reported numerous dreams of being "uprooted". So there's been this simmering, irrational resentment lurking for a year or so. I'll get through it. I usually do. Thanks! (((hugs)))

One thing connected with this topic I started is that I am nearing the end of my "Season of Anniversaries". It involves my house, or rather, my old house, the one I shared with Mom. I noticed that I am going through some signs of grieving over it. The house was sold about a year ago, (I forget the exact date, actually, but it was March 2006) the family moved in in early April. I find that I am obsessing a little over the house, the circumstances surrounding my departure, things lost and such. I fantasize over what I would have done with it had I inherited the house or been in a financial position to buy it from Mom or the estate. Spring is coming and I'm picturing what yardwork and landscaping I would need to do. I grieve. I get depressed a little ( I was actually listening to some melancholy music on my iTunes today ) and despondent and just plain MISS THE PLACE. I especially miss the backyard. But I have to put my own advice to work and get past it. This seems tougher. Mom is dead, gone. The house is 9/10ths of a mile away. Can't miss it when driving past a block away on Main Street. This does seem tougher. I have to dig through Marty's site and read all the things she has on secondary losses.

Hi Kelly: Thank you so very much for your kind words, I am so glad you got through that day and are better for it. I appreciate your compliments and it's nice to know that sometimes a person can have a positive impact in a big way. Many times we do not know when or even if we've helped anyone. I'm happy I helped you. Anytime, Paul

Lori: Give it time. You may be feeling detached because they are no longer in your Mom's house and she isn't there among them. Cherish the fact that you have them. Don't do anything rash like getting rid of them, as that you may later regret. In time, you will grow accustomed to seeing them in their new environment, and the feelings of detachment may recede. I know what you are feeling. I have a lot of my Mom's stuff, and in my tiny apartment, they just don't look right. They are not in the same familiar surroundings that I am used to seeing them in. There is not the same feeling. They seem out of place. As you continue in your griefwork, there may be more of a synchronization between your past regard for them and how they appear now. In other words, eventually they will seem to fit in where they are. Paul

Hey shell! Thanks, but I didn't figure it out. "Ous" said what it was in a previous post. I never studied French.

ousontmesamis: (Where are my friends! So THAT'S what that means. I knew it was French for something.) I am so sorry about how your friend died, especially since it could have been prevented. That is terrible, I don't know what else to say. I know what you mean about the life preserver. I felt that way to for a bunch of months after Mom's death. I found that sometimes life preservers just float by and you just grab. We are your friends. We may not able to hang out in person due to geography, but we can meet on the boards here. (Yikes, how often have we all heard the wish that we all lived in the same city.) Paul

Hi kellymarie: That may be bizarre, but I know of one that may be a little more bizarre: a person I know at a grief support group I go to once a month takes her digital camera and visit cemeteries and snaps pics of headstones. Once in a while I think of doing that. I have only taken pictures of my parent's headstone, no one else's (yet)

lorikelly and shell: Same here. I noticed that lately, too, the idea that I'm waiting for something to happen. I wake up, yak on the Internet with someone for an hour or so, then go through my really exciting day , then go to bed, and it just seems like I'm wading through something, that everything is unreal, in a certain way. Sometimes nice and interesting things happen, but on "normal" days, I'm wading. Even on those days that are unusually nice and interesting, something seems off. I guess it's the "grieving process". And to get this a little back on shelley's topic, yes, it sometimes does affect my "follow through".

Hi Lori: I'll just respond to your first thought, and leave the rest to others who know more about that. Don't feel that you have no business posting here! You've got every right to, even if it's just venting (as that may be grief-related). Four months is still rather early, there is no timetable as you've probably learned, and no graduation from the boards. I think it's useful to have a mix of newbies, "longer bereaved" and people in between. A mixture of experience. The longer bereaved can light the path and provide hope. The newbies remind all of us of the fresh pain. Those in between can do both. My Mom died in November 2005, I'm here cuz I wanna give back to Marty and some others, and also because I still have those grief moments. So you're not being selfish. Grief attacks us along so many fronts that sometimes it's hard to know is it grief or something else? Here you may find out and get appropriate help and info. Paul

shelley: I "third" what Marty said (the motion is carried!) and also agree that all those other losses are significant, as they make it harder for you to focus on and cope with the primary one, your parent's deaths. I didn't just lose my Mom, I lost my house, my family (they're jerks) my neighborhood and the familiar surroundings there (and the familiar and friendly way home), I lost some possessions, the list goes on. I even lost a friend in a nearby town, who doesn't return the occasional phone call, and I am totally clueless as to why. He was there for me before Mom's death and the immediate messy aftermath, but after a half-year, poof, gone. All these secondary losses just magnify the primary one. Paul

Hi lindsey, Please go and read what Marty had posted, those links will help you understand what you're going through. I was also exhausted or fatigued for months after Mom died. My reaction was a little different, I didn't suffer from insomnia, instead I slept for 9-11 hours a day. Sometimes I'd got to bed as early as 6PM. I also didn't feel like eating. Mom cooked, and I had all her utensils and pots and pans. I just didn't feel like using them. I also just didn't feel like eating. I lost a ton of weight. (I've put it back on, um, plus some ) Paul

I was my Mom's caregiver for some time before her death. My DragonSister was the executor of the estate and wasted no time in getting rid of things. My Mom died at 6:30AM, and by shortly after Noon DragonSis was ripping through desk drawers and cabinets tossing things out. I never had the chance to absorb the loss in familiar, unchanged surroundings. Within a day, there were those huge garbage bags full of stuff on the back porch. By the day of her funeral there were a few dozen on the back porch and back yard. Exactly one week after the death there was a big dumpster in the driveway. Nice image. I managed to grab a hold of some mementos and small items of furniture (end tables, plant stands, that were mine anyway either by use or Mom giving them to me a few years ago ("unofficially"). That didn't stop DragonSis from allowing her executrix-ness going to her head (absolute power corrupts absolutely) and stomping her widdle feet protesting. (She had no qualms about what she felt entitled to.) Anyway, despite the apparent nature of the above two paragraphs, property wasn't really the issue between DragonSis and I, attitudes and grief-coping mechanisms were. My sister's attitude towards it all was that she needed to keep busy to keep her mind off things. There was little cooperation about the disposition of Mom's belongings. Although to her credit, DragonSis allowed me to take certain of my Mom's oil paintings that I had coveted, and she was 'nice' re: old family photos (I'll assume she made digital prints, otherwise her branch of the family now has little photographic evidence I exist.) Take care, all.

Shell always knows the right things to say. Hi, quackers.

Hi lindsey, I am sorry about your loss. I lost my Mom also over a year ago, and even now there are times when I deeply miss her. It is good that you found this site. By coming here and talking about it and sharing what you are going through and feeling you will learn to cope. I noticed that you are young. Since you have many years ahead of you, you may want to do something to preserve her memory in concrete form. Maybe write down in a journal all the things she said and did that were unique to her. Common words of advice and even correction. (There are times I wish my Mom were around to yell at me about something!) I'm sure you have photo albums, things like that. Try scrapbooking, there's a member here named Shelley (a/k/a STARKISS) who does that a lot. She says it helps her preserve her parent's memories. Take care, and come back often. Paul

Hi Deborah, You said "like what I call grief is like going through a passage somewhere inside me, or a door that I walked through into some alien unknown territory and I'm never quite sure which way to turn." That's a pretty accurate description of how I viewed it, paarticulary th "passage somewhere inside me" part. I do think that it as a good way to think about it. It is a passage or process to go through. A journey if you will, and it goes on inside us. Those of us here who traveled into that unknown alien territory help each other in figuring out which way to turn. Keep posting! Paul

Lori and shell: Awww... I'm blushing

Lori had a great suggestion with regard to a bereavement group. I joined one at the local hospice and they meet on various schedules throughout the year. I also got a face-to-face grief counselor who helped me move through the early processes. Try the yellow pages for local hospices or bereavement centers, they usually are free. These people (and in groups, the other grievers) can help you see the light that is there, if only dimly. Or at least hope that it will become visible someday. At the support group that I go to, we started a tradition of going to a Denny's restaurant afterwards to continue the fellowship (for lack of a better word). That has sometimes been more helpful than the meeting itself. It seems like you're just going through the normal grieving process and having a tough time with it. It's wonderful that you found this place and have started to reach out for help. And Marty's great!

Hi Deborah, Welcome to these forums (I noticed that you joined very recently). You'll find a whole host of people here who have been through much of what you have experienced, and they can help with the anger and the "Mom missing" (my Mom died, that's what brought me here. I get recurring bouts of that. It'll be 15 months this Wednesday.) And you certainly have much needed experience to offer those who are having trouble moving forward. Take care and I hope to see you around the group.

No problem, Janine. When I was writing and got to the part about "confluence of events" that fragment of the quote from my favorite movie popped in my head. Wasn't sure if anyone would get the reference and you just live down the road from the place! I wanna make a pilgrimage to Dyersville someday. Is it @20 like the kid in the movies sez?

Lori, Thanks! Paul Hey Kelly: Forgiveness is liberating. It unchains you from the pain or the hurt that another has caused. You release from your mind the crippling effects that it has and allow yourself to move on. I once had serious problems with forgiveness, thinking that it was a weakness of sorts. That if I forgave that would be like allowing the other person a victory over me. But I learned that was an incorrect way of looking at it. As long as I refuse to forgive, I am allowing that person to have power over me. All the more reason to forgive the dead. Paul P.S. Thanks for the birthday greetings!

Never underestimate the need for someone to talk to. If all you do is listen, share your ears and maybe a shoulder to cry on, that can be of immense help. All the suggestions so far were great.

I am trying to recall where I read this, but I think somewhere I read that being in a rut isn't such a bad thing when you're going through grief. It may be your mind (and body) telling you that "This is all we can handle right now, please take it easy. Let the autopilot run things for a while." Time to heal and figure things out. Something will happen to get you out of the rut, a confluence of events ("...when the cosmic tumblers click into place..." from the movie "Field of Dreams") and you'll turn the page. That is if you're doing your griefwork.