eaglesoaring

I am just getting over the flu, and just found out that my Aunt's lung cancer has come back after 5 years, tomorrow they will do tests to see if her heart can take the operation to remove half of her lung. Never ends does it?? I feel like I am stuck in quicksand, everytime I try to move I get sucked back down.....I really cant stand all this... Thanks for listening, Debbie

Hi Maylissa Mom had to have implants on her bottom jaws a few years back, so she needed to have the special dentures that have the fittings so the teeth would fit into the implants, we paid alot of money $3,700 and what Mom got was a $600 set of dentures, so when she would try to eat, the bottom teeth would slip around and hit the implants causing her alot of pain. I fought and fought with the dentist did no good (yet as I think about suing him) It was so very sad that it seemed like every time I turned around someone (in the hospital, or the rehap) someone was hurting her, or leaving her for hours in a wheelchair, or not turning her etc. The hospital caused my Mom's death by letting her central line get infected and then not putting the IV antibiotic on Mom for over 24 hours, on top of the not getting her meds on time, or if at all, not turning her often enough, not changing the dressing etc. Just one thing after another and here was little old me trying to protect my Mom, and getting nowhere. So yesterday this hospital calls and wants to speak to Mom, and I am not in a good mood, so I tell the lady I sure wish that you were able to talk with her, because then that would mean that I would also be able to talk with her. (she was from the billing dept.) after I let her know that Mom has passed, she wants a death cert. and I came unglued, I ask her 4 times why they would need a death cert. and got no answer other than for our records, so I say if you want the cause of her passing, just look at your hospital records and you will find it there. I remember that when Mom had to go back into the ICU with the massive infection while I was sitting with Mom, a group or 8 to 10 people came in and huddled around my Mom's chart for about an hour, they were not Dr.'s there was one nurse there the head nurse from the floor where Mom was. So I know that they are aware of the mistakes. I just cant believe the rage that I have towards the hospital, and to this dentist. You are so right it is a honor to do something for Mom's. I can understand why you crashed after the candle didnt go out, maybe your Mom wanted it to stay lit? Last year on my b-day I got one card, from my neice, nothing from my brother, but Mom was in the hospital, dont know if that had anything to do with it or not. In some strange way now after going thru all that Mom had to go thru, Daddy I am just happy that he went the way he wanted, he hated hospitals, now I know why. Last year on my b-day I stayed all day at the hospital with Mom, she felt bad as she wanted to take me out to eat. She wanted to get me a card and gift, but she was unable and I told her over and over that I understood, dont worry about it. I have no clue what I will do this coming July. Thanks, Debbie WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT THE SOUL BEGIN TO HEAL?

Hi Steve, I am so very sorry that you have lost your Mom and in the way that it happened and then to not get any help or support.....so very sorry. You are so very right about the effects (that last a lifetime) stay with us. I am glad that you have found your way here to this group, as it is a huge help to me. Take care, Debbie WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT THE SOUL BEGIN TO HEAL?

Hi Shubom I am so sorry that you had a really rough Friday. Sometimes I really dont understand why this grief has to hurt so bad, and send us on such a "roller coaster" ride, this is such a deepfelt pain that becomes so very heavy, that sometimes I feel like I have gone crazy. I really do hope that someday, somehow we will all get thru this and come out okay. Take care, Debbie WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT A SOUL BEGIN TO HEAL?

I am sorry to hear about your mom and sorry that you are going through this horrible ordeal. Thank You, I am so sorry that you are also going thru all this also. Some of the other family members wanted to throw her a small memorial celebration. They approached me saying, "I heard your mom is having a b-day party." When I heard this, I almost passed out. Was I hearing them wrong or what?! I was able to get a grip of myself, and when the day came, I was sort of ok. Oh dear, I think I would have passed out if I would have heard this. I went out and got my mom a b-day card and took it too her gravesite to read it too her. It was hard. I didn't do anything like that for my father, but maybe with my mother, I'll get her a card every year if I can. At Christmas I always wrap up a "gift" for my daddy, there is nothing in the box, but my love. It is that I just dont want to leave him out of anything either, now I will do this for Mom. I am single with no kids. Where do I go from here?! Life to me meant taking care of my mother, my best friend, and spending as much time as I could with her. I've lost her, and my whole life has fallen apart. Where do I go from here?! I am also single with no kids, and I do understand about life meaning taking care of Mom, as that is what I have done for the last 11 years, I just wish I could do it for the next 11 years, I also am so lost, and I also feel shattered. I sometimes wish I could figure out how to stop the rush of thoughts that make me feel dizzy and out of control. I dont know if I know what or how to do anything anymore. Your right every day is one day closer to seeing Mom again. Take care, Debbie

Maylissa, Shubom, Shell I have always only eaten one meal a day anyway, dont know why just the way I am I guess. I also am lucky that I have my horses or I would not be able to keep in shape :-)))) But those 50lbs.bags of feed and the 80lbs.bales of hay keep me pretty much in shape :-)))) If it were not for my furbabies I would not get out of bed. Thanks again, Debbie

Hi Maylissa Thank You for writing, I had taken the door off to the bedroom a few years back, and now with the new furbabies I thought I should put it back up, guess it just hit hard, I wish I didnt have to put the door back, then Mom would be back and I could take her thru the open door once again. I find myself doing this all the time, gee it is time to go get Mom, if only I could, I sure would. I am so sorry that you have to deal with your family (brother) issues, that must really make things much worse, I cant even begin to think what that must be like. Wow, this is something, my Mom had dentures, I had to take them, because the dentist messed up and didnt make them right, the hospital threw away my Mom's teet when she had her operation. She didnt have her teeth for months, then this jerk dentist made these things that she could not wear. She also cried as she so wanted to be able to eat. My Mom told me about the same, back then they just yanked them out. For my Mom's b-day, I lit a candle for her, sang happy b-day to her, then it rained all day, I thought that was fitting, gee I am unable to cry, let the sky do it for me. My daddy passed on my b-day, so now that makes it a very hard day. I do hope that your dream and goals come to be for you. Take care, Debbie

Falling apart, that is how I feel right now, want to cry, have no tears, gee all I did was to hang the door back up, had to take it down so I could get Mom's wheelchair into the bedroom, thought I was ready, guess not...... Thanks for listening.....Debbie

Thank You eyeryone, for the great advice, I am getting the meals in a drink, and am not as cold anymore, also am drinking more water. Found out I have lost 25 pounds from the time I lost my Mom till now, so I am trying my best to take better care of myself. Thanks again, Debbie WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT THE SOUL BEGIN TO HEAL?

Well today was really tough, but made it thru, It was my Mom's B-Day the first sense she has been gone, It is almost over, I was by myself, I sang happy b-day to Mom, and lit a candle for her, then the rain started and hasnt stopped yet. I am going to try to do something tomorrow that I have not done in years, I am going to the state fair, one of my stallions is going to be shown there and I am going to try to see him show. Just gotta keep the panic attacks away. Thanks for listening..... WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT THE SOUL HEAL?

I would like to know if anyone else has or had this happen to them, the last few days, I am so cold, more with the hands and feet, sometimes all over. cant get warmed up, I just stay in bed with blankets and my fur babies for most of the day. Thanks When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Soul Begin To Heal?

Hi Grace I am so very sorry that your Mother is dying, I know what a painful event it is to know that the end is near, I just lost my dear Mom, after her long suffering battle with other problems, not cancer. And I would like to share this with you, I always tried to be so very strong around my Mom and her very long hospital stay, just wanted her to see the happy side of me, not the tears and my fears. When Mom came back home with hospice care, I knew in my head that her end was near, but not in my heart. I also was so worried that I did not have the strength to face her going, but when it came right down to it, the strength was there, It is my hope that it will be the same for you. One of the hardest things I ever did was to finally tell my Mom that it was okay for her to go, that I loved her and I would really miss her, as I told her my tears were flowing, and with such great effort Mom reached up and wiped away some of my tears and said Thank You, I love you so much, and I will miss you also. This was the first time I cried in front of my Mom, and it was okay, and in a way healing for both of us, then my tears didnt stop, for the rest of her days, and that was okay also. I just wanted to share this with you, as this is How things happened for me, not to tell you that it will be or should be the same for you. When I lost my Dad, I was not able to get there in time, and I really believe that it happened the way it was supposed to. Please know that this group will be here for you whenever you need us to be. Hope that this helps some, take care, Debbie When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Soul Begin To Heal? dlf

Hi Maureen Welcome back, sometimes it is good to take some time away. Yes thank goodness for the furbabies, my mare had her baby on 2/2, she had a girl, she is to beautiful :-))) I am thankful that they are both doing well. I am having a super down day, my Mom's b-day is this Sat. and I am already feeling a heavy dread, I dont want Sat. To come, yet I know it will. Thanks for listening... When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Sould Heal? DLF

Dear Jen I really understand what you are saying here!!! I am so sorry for your agony and for all your pain. It is okay to not want to get out of bed, but give yourself credit that you did!!! It is good that you went out to lunch and you made it thru. Your Mom has just passed, and the feelings that you are having are all to real and they really hurt and yes there are days that we dont want to go on also , (and I hope the same is for you as for me), that this will come and go, and with time will ease up for you. I can never come up with a reason why we are the ones who are left, but I guess there must be a reason. And yes I understand the thinking that I will see her, I will come into the house and find myself just talking away as if she was sitting in her chair, till I get into the room and it is empty, at first it would crush me, now I just keep on talking as if she is there and she can hear me. You are so right this grief is so hard, I hope that you are not all alone in this, do you have a hospice where you live, It is helping me to go to their group's. Sometimes hospital's have a support group that you can go to. When you feel ready and if it is right for you, please check into this. And I am proud of you, keep writing here, it is so healthy to express your feelings, I find, and in by doing so you will find others who have similar feelings, that helps make it be not so alone!!! Here is what I tell myself all the time, be gentle to yourself, cause there is no one else who can do it better!!!! When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Sould Heal? DLF It is so hard. Today I didn't want to get out of bed. I finally came into work. A co-worker of mine took me out too lunch. It was so hard sitting there and talking and joking with her. I can hear a voice in the back of my head saying over and over again, I just want to die. I'm so torn. I know my mother is dead, but sometimes I feel myself thinking I'll see her again. You know? And then another part of me, realizes that she's really gone, in the ground dead. She's never coming back. I don't think I can go one without her. This is so tough. I can't bear it.

Hi Jen, I really do understand the wanting to go be with your Mom, as I also do. I took care of my Dad when he had a knee replaced, I remember when I left that night, there was something in his eyes that gave me a chill, and I ask him if he was alright, he said yes,"you go and have some fun, as all you do is take care of us old farts" So I left, and when I got home he was gone. I blame myself for not being here, as the fire dept. got lost and it took them 45 mins. to find us, by then he was to far gone. My Mom also fell apart, so it was no time for feelings about my daddy got to take care of my Mom, so I did, for 10 more years, almost all by myself. Now she is gone and like you said the house is so empty. Now I think that both their losses (really all) are crashing down on me. If I did not have my animals to care for I would not get out of bed. I have lost 25 pounds in 2 months. The depression is so heavy my chest and head feel like they will explode. I am so sorry that you have to watch your Aunt and her daughter fight, your right, it is so sad that while they have each other that this is the way they are. Here is what I try to do, is take it a moment at a time, if you like to write, write your feelings out, it helps me, it seems to take a bit of the burden away, and when you write you dont have to worry about what or how you say it, you can vent anger and then shred it this is what I do, no one has to read what you write if you dont want them to, and please keep writing here, if you are able, so you can connect with us, so hopefully you wont feel so all alone. Sending more gentle thoughts your way, Take care... When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Soul Begin To Heal? DLF

Oh Jen, I am so sorry for your losses, I am glad that you are here writing, as I hope that by being here it will bring you some comfort. When we are so alone, sometimes it feels like the world is just passing us by, and no one seems to notice, this is why I am here, where others understand the agony of grief. When you are ready and if you want to, maybe you will be able to find a support group in your area. Please keep writing, to let us know how you are doing. And oh yes, when you are ready I hope that you will be able to find just the right fur baby, as they really do fill a void in my life. I really dont know where I would be without them. Sending gentle thoughts your way. When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Soul Begin To Heal? DLF

I have been told by others that have suffered a loss to expect to see my loved one within afew months after death........ I have lost both my parents,a baby, all my grandparents, aunts uncles, several good friends...and I have never "seen one come back.....I have however had some dreams where they were there. I have heard other's tell me that this has happened to them, that they see them while awake. I wait, and i wait, and i;m still waiting... i want so much to tell her one more time that I love her ...as i sit in the dark i look and listen for her. I understand this one, what I do is I tell them whenever I need to, and hope that they can hear me. Sometimes I speak outloud, sometimes it is a whisper and sometimes I say this in my mind. and is the fear of seeing her appear befor me normal? I would feel that it is okay to fear seeing her. I would also fear seeing them appear to me while I was awake. I am so very sorry for your loss. Take care. When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Soul Begin To Heal? DLF

Hi Shell Wow 11 Kitties inside, I love cats put I cant have any as I am allergic to them. I have 8 toy dogs in the house with me. I also feel that my dogs are angels, here on earth. I have one dog outside, as she will bite, and she goes after my little ones. I live in a warm area, and she has a huge dog house, and a really large run area. My fur babies are my best friends, and they bring such a comfort. Sometimes I feel bad that I hang on so tightly to them, but I hope they understand. Take care When Silence Is Broken Does Not The Sould Begin To Heal? DLF

Hi Maureen Thank You for writing, I am so very sorry you lost your Beloved Miss Pea, I understand the great pain, as you had her for a very long time, they make such great pets. I am happy to read that you have gotten a few more!!!!! I am so very sorry about your Mom, and on your b-day, I know how very hard that is as I lost my Dad on my b-day. I am so very sorry that you are all alone, It must be harder on you that your family and friends are not there for you, that must hurt so bad, and at a time when you need them...(hugs) The best thing about pets, they dont run away from us when we are sad or hurting, they stay when we need them most, they will always love us. Yes this board is a lifeline, even as I have been here a short period of time. Hugs back to you and your furbabies :-))) I have my Dad's parrot, who talks, sings, laughs, cough's just like my Mom, so he is a special gift. WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT THE SOUL BEGIN TO HEAL? D.L.F

Thru A forest of mangled trees, darkness all around, crushing, heaviness of the cold wet air snatches my breath away. All is silent I hear only the sound of my heavy footsteps, as they pound on the frozen ground. I run for awhile, trying to reach the other side. Hoping soon I will break thru the death shroud of the forest. To see the sun. I fear that there is no end to the forest. The sun is dead. My pace has slowed, but still I must go on. My breathing is labored. My chest about to explode. My body and mind are exhausted. I stop to rest, to gather my strength. I gaze down at the ground, and there are the frozen tracks, from each time I have passed before. Dont go to sleep.......you'll freeze to death. Alone deep within the deep dark forest of grief. by Debbie Foster 1/22/06 WHEN SILENCE IS BROKEN DOES NOT THE SOUL BEGIN TO HEAL?? D.L.F.

Thank You Susany, for writing, Yes I am finding that reading the board that there are others out there with similar feelings, that does help with that part of the lonilness. I am also sorry for your loss. Thank You Shell. I tried going to a group, had a terrible Panic Attack, now am afraid to go back. Oh Yes, I have added 5 new fur babies in the last two weeks, rescue dogs, I understand when I look into their wounded eyes, it breaks my heart that they were discarded. I would guess that in the end they will do more for me, than I will ever be able to do for them. Thanks again

I have just lost my Mom, I was the sole caretaker for her for the past 11 years, Thank God for hospice, they were here for 3 days and gave her so much care and pain free time. I lost my Dad 10 years ago suddenly on my b-day. I lost my only child, never got to hold her, or see her. My best friend died of cancer. I feel so all alone now, I have no one, all my old friends left years ago while I was taking care of my Mom. I dont know how to handle all the emotions, all the memories, I just want to crawl into bed and stay there. I no longer feel that I belong anywhere. This is all that I feel safe saying for now.