Chai

Dear niamh, All I can say is: I feel exactly like your post says, sometimes. It hits me, and I get so frustrated...and I don't know what to do. I have a couple friends who are also interested in the same topics, and some of them are good with listening to me in grief, too, but...there is no one like my dad to encourage me, and to do enjoy certain little things that only the two of us liked. I know how you feel! It makes us miss them even more, when things like that come up... Sorry my post offers no help. I still get moments like this. Talking to people who have a lot of enthusiasm on the same thing *does* help though. Today I talked with a good old friend of my dad's about iridology, a type of study of the health through a person's eyes. My dad practiced this, and so does this friend of his. The friend emailed me this long email about iridology, how he felt so discouraged after my dad passed away, how he's felt more encouraged lately, and all these things about missing my dad...hearing that, from someone who loves my dad so much, and about something my dad was fond of, it made me feel like somehow I was connecting to my father. I hope you can get some experience like that from someone who really loves your father...and that it will bring some small bit of comfort. (((((Hugs))))), Chai

Dear BellaRosa and others, All I can say is...I have been there. I know what you mean, that you just want things to go back to the way they were, that the world feels like it has spun off of its axis, and meanwhile everyone is driving you crazy by asking you inane questions. I relate to all of this. I felt so angry for a time, whenever people would talk about their dads, after I lost my dad. And when people asked me "how are you?" I would say OK but it would be the biggest lie ever. Then later when I got comfortable with telling people how I *actually* was, sometimes they would come up with fake condolences; more often than not though, I was very careful with who I talked to...and when I talked with the right people, like those on this forum, I got relief. Somehow, just knowing that you are not alone in your frustration and sadness and everything, helps. I hope that you all keep posting and reading this forum, because it really does help. (((((Hugs))))) to all, Chai

Dear MysticBIndMist, Please know that you are not alone. You are not alone in the miseries that grief brings us through, such as guilt. The thing with grief is that it tortures us with these feelings of guilt and pinpointing things we think we did wrong, but...our loved ones, like your dear mother, knew and know that we love them, and that if circumstances prevented us from being at their sides or from visiting them more, it is not our fault. You visited your mother a lot, and you also had children to take care of. There is a saying that we can never repay our parents, because they have done so much for us and love us so much. Your mother's love is forever, forever with you, and I am sure with all that love she has for you, there is no way she felt abandoned, or that you lied to her. These feelings are a natural part of grief. They will pass. But to try and force them away or to dwell on them excessively is not going to help. Like niamh and other members have said, it is best to just let it flow over you, through you. Perhaps some journaling will help you to process your thoughts, and in time you can go back if you like and read what you have written here and in a journal, and see how you have grown in your grief journey. After my father passed away from cancer in November 2008, I felt a lot of guilt like you are feeling now. I felt horrible for not having visited him more. I felt horrible for not talking with him more about him, instead of just me, me, me, both during his illness and during my time with him in general. But later I came to understand that, I did nothing wrong. I was a child, and a teenager, and it is natural for one to be self-centered at a young age. My father loved me no matter what, and he did not feel abandoned or like I did something wrong. His mood was of love love love, always. So now I have been able to go on without guilt; it has especially helped that I recently scattered my father's ashes. I have gotten a lot of relief from guilt after doing that. Your mother's love will always be with you. You did nothing wrong. It will take time to not feel guilt anymore, it will be hard sometimes...but you are not alone. We are all here to support you. Over time, it will get easier. many, many (((((Hugs))))) to you, Chai

Dear Shelley, I am sorry to hear that your family members are being so troublesome and argumentative about what to do with your parents ashes. That must be so hard! I can only imagine. I think that you have to go with your heart. Your heart says that you want to keep part of them, so I think if there was some way you could talk to them about that and help them accept it...then the rest of the remains could be scattered, or buried, or whatever is decided. But I do not think it is right of them to demand them all, when you want to keep some of them. I just recently scattered my father and grandmother's ashes in holy rivers in India, in November. It was an absolutely wonderful experience. Like you, I realized that God has them now and these ashes are only their remains. At the same time I really wanted to do it right, nicely and as they requested. We had a very beautiful ceremony at the banks of these two rivers, with music, friends, and some very beautiful sacred rituals. In the end, when I poured the ashes at the end, it felt very special, and not sad...I was thinking of my father and how happy he would be that I did this for him, and I prayed for all kind of blessings to be upon him and my grandmother...and after the main ceremony, there was a wonderful part where I offered incense to their pictures and sent out a silent prayer and thought of my love for them. It was very special. I wanted to share that with you so that you can know that letting go of the ashes, whether all or some, whether through scattering at special place(s) or burying in an urn, all of it can be a very wonderful, beautiful experience, that gives you relief. I hope that whatever you do with your parents' ashes, that it can be a beautiful experience for you!! (((((((HUGS)))))))), Chai

Dear Shelley, I do not think you should feel bad for being self centered. I think it is a natural part of having lost someone. We have lost someone who was very dear to us, and perhaps feel that we did not spend enough time or do enough for them before they passed away. So, now we are very eager to prioritize in our lives, since before our loss we took people and things for granted. Now we have a deeper understanding of how short life can be. We are instilled with a desire to focus on what is most important. So naturally we pay less attention to people who are not giving a lot to us; we want to have an equal give-and-take, and we want to spend time with those who we feel have something to offer. It may sounds somewhat harsh, but I think that is how it is. It is not that we love less; rather, we love more, and we condense our love to those who mean a lot to us, whom we spend much time with, who love us the most. It only seems selfish because society has told us it is selfish. Society has taught that to spend time doing pointless smalltalk and talking to strangers about nothing for five minutes, etc., is "polite". Now that we have lost and are trying to prioritize our lives and our time, we do not want to give time for this "polite" stuff. We have realized that it is unnecessary. I am not saying that we should be rude or should not be polite; I am saying that pointless little things like smalltalk, we now do not have the patience for. We want to focus on what is most important to us. So, we minimize the time spent with those who really don't count much in our lives, by avoiding them, or cutting them out. I would suggest cutting them out altogether. I don't mean friends and family; I mean just pointless stuff, like that person who always talks about small stuff that doesn't matter, or that five minute talk with the neighbor about her cat after work every day. Stuff like that is a time-waster, and to not want to spend time on that is totally understandable. I am sorry if I came off harsh to anybody...but this is what I think. And Shelley, I get where you are coming from! hugs, and best wishes to you, Chai

Dear friends, Thank you all so much for your wonderful advice and words...I do not feel at all like any of you were too straightforward or anything like that. I appreciate your anger on my behalf. I think you make intelligent arguments and also emotionally sound arguments. This entire thing, I have realized, is also difficult for me not only because it's my father's ashes here, but also because I'm one of those people pleaser types. I like everyone to be happy. So when I've got two different groups saying different things like this, it makes me very distressed. I have thought about this for a long time...but I decided not to take legal action. It was just too much for me. I felt like it would mar my memory of bringing these ashes to India, to have this woman's anger towards me, when she has a condition she can't control, and when she helped my father so much. I am trying to go about this from the heart, and taking legal action due to anger did not feel like the right course for me. Nor did it feel like something my father would approve of. I have gotten information on the guru, who is actually just of September, sick with colon cancer. M has gotten permission to return to India, and unfortunately I know this will distress many, but there is just nothing I can or want to do at this point to prevent her. My priority here is the ashes, and worrying about what M will or will not do is not my business. Also, my mother spoke with M, and M agreed to give me the ashes at the airport. So I will have them in my possession. M will attend the ashes ceremonies, and that is it. This way, I am reassured that if M were to have problems in India, it would not put the ashes at risk. I am hoping of course, that she will not have any problems; and there is still the niggling thought, "What if she comes to me in her troubles, or disturbs the ashes ceremonies?" But I think her respect and love for my father would not allow her to. Someone asked me what helps me to breathe easier. I thought about it, and realized that, I'm okay with this. I will have possession of the ashes, and M will still feel like she is doing what my father requested of her, by being present at the ashes ceremonies. I feel like my repeated attempts to make everyone happy and to be in control were what were driving me mad. Once I decided that I was tired of anger and accepted that God is in control, I breathed easier. And I still am. I am feeling peaceful about this trip. This does not mean I'm going to be buddy buddy with M. I think once this is over, I'm not going to go out of my way to keep in touch. She did a wonderful thing for my father and grandmother, but I think she needs some help and unfortunately I cannot help. And honestly, my faith is another factor in this decision. I did not feel like trying to control her going to India - where our faith's holy places are - was my right, because that went beyond the ashes, which is my only business. I do feel sorry that she has troubles, with her health and her family, but there is nothing more I can do. I can only go this far. I think also that my father would like it to be this way. Had I taken legal action, I do not think that is something that would please him, and really this is for him and about him. My anger might have had me rush in and get that paperwork done, but...it didn't feel right. I want this to be about love for my father, and having it like this, feels like it would get his stamp of approval. I hope that, even though you all vehemently voted in one direction, and I have decided in the other, that I can take your good wishes with me. Please think of me during the month of November, and may your goodwishes and Godspeed surround the ashes ceremonies with even more love and closure and peace and holiness. take care, Chai

Dear friends, Apologies for my very late reply. At the time of this email, I was thinking about my mother and her very stoic, different way of showing her love - really, of expressing herself. She likes to get me things, which is very nice, but it's not the same as a few words, or a loving smile, or praise, from my dad. And it just doesn't match his way of serenity, and the way I felt on top of the world and so so so loved when he was around. I went on a trip, a few, to escape...in fact, that is what I've been doing for nearly all of my summer of 2010. I am a little afraid of my future, and I'm trying to dive back into my writing, and it's going well, which makes me happy, because I love it, and my father encouraged me so much in my writing. I am so happy to receive all of your replies. It helps me feel less lonely. We all were touched in such special ways by our loved ones, and there are no people who will be like them. But like some of you said, we do still have others who love us, and God, so really we are always loved, and these loves strengthen us. But it is hard to not be weakened when we miss certain unique ways that our lost ones showed their love for us. Jodo, my father passed away...gosh, almost two years ago now. It's sortof horrifying to think that it's been 2 years. After he passed, I dove into school as something to keep me busy, but then my grades did dwindle a little, because I resented school...but now I'm done, and I feel sortof lost sometimes. I try to keep it within this year. 2011 doesn't exist as far as I am concerned. I am keeping it within the realm of here, now, trying to distract myself, occasionally writing in my grief journal, and happily acquiring more writings that my father and grandmother had (just recently, binders of my grandmother's stuff and my dad's old laptop). What was it about my dad, I just don't even know how to express...he made me feel like I was the most important person on earth. Not that I felt arrogant, but just so special. And really, I think that because I was my father's only child, and he a man struggling to build his career dream, with no family around (until my grandma came to live with him, later)...he really did see me as his all and all, I think. I really was everything to him. And other people, family and friends, their love is divided, so naturally they do not express their love of me like my dad did, because their love was less, and I simply am not to them as I was to my father. I was so special to him. I was his relief from his struggles in life, I think. He would pick me up from my mom's house, and we would go hiking. We would talk about our dreams, our troubles, everything. It was wonderful. And I think it was wonderful for him too, a relief and release, and he cherished it very much. Thinking of it like this, I feel I'm understanding more, why others cannot show their love for me the same ways my father did. They are divided, where he was not. Thank you all so much for your replies. (((HUGS))), take care, Chai

Dear friends, I do not even know where to begin. The past couple weeks have been absolutely hellish chaos. I wish I could lend my helping hand to all of you out there - I see new members, new concerns, new faces - but my brain is a whirl! The woman who my father asked to bring his ashes to India, let us call her M, is the current point of concern. I am going crazy because I do not know how I feel about her anymore. Let me start from the beginning. When my father was ill, he asked M to bring his ashes to India. After he passed, M cared for my grandmother. M is a person who used to live in my childhood town, who I never knew very well, but I knew she had past mental and family troubles. When I heard she was caring for my father, I was a little apprehensive, but all of my fears were eradicated when I heard from my father, and saw for myself, how wonderfully and sweetly she was caring for him. She took care of his body, mind, and heart. She ensured certain people he wished to came to see him. She did things like bathe him, brush his teeth, cook for him, bring him to the hospital for X-rays, all sorts of stuff. This included enema stuff, too. She was absolutely kind and wonderful and sweet. After my dad (and then grandmother's) passing, I established a friendly relationship with M. She became like a mother/friend, talking to me in my grief sometimes, sitting with me when my grandmother was ill and I was freaking out crying, and she spoke to me on her deep love for my father, and what a special person he was. Since my father asked M to bring his ashes to India, M has been very dedicated to this idea, so much so that even when I was reluctant to wait for her to get ticket money, my mother spoke to me so I decided, ok if I must, I'll wait. So last year, when I could have gone (we want to go during Oct/Nov, during a particuarly auspicious pilgrimage time in a holy area of India), I didn't. So we made plans to go this year. Our plans have been steadily solidifying. I have been telling people I am going to India with my mother and M, and they are so happy that the ashes are going to be taken care of (those who were friends of my father), or alternately, relieved I'm going to this area of India, which is like the Mecca/Jerusalem/Bethlehem of my religion. Then a couple weeks ago, I get this crazy severe phonecall from M's husband/ex-husband (living with her and their youngest daughter in my gma's old apt, which is fine by me). He said that under no circumstances should M go to India, that she is bipolar and went crazy last time she was there (10 years ago), that she physically attacked people, that she had to be forced back onto the plane, that she was BANNED by her guru from returning to India w/o her husband. And her husband refuses to go (why? I do not know). So I call a trusted couple, the wife of who was implicated in the husband's story as having helped M get on the plane out of India. They confirm the story as true, and advise I take the ashes myself, since it is my right as family. They do not go into the details of M being "crazy" or not, just say that she had problems in India. In an email to me, having heard of her husband's phonecall, M reassures me that she can handle her bipolar troubles by drinking enough water, eating enough food, getting enough rest, and watching her stress levels. Her reason for not inviting her husband along list several awful things her husband has done, saying, "He is not a husband," and that she doesn't want to email her guru and bother him (plus we recently discovered he has colon cancer and is hospitalized in Delhi). In response, I wrote an email to M asking her kindly, to give me the ashes, b/c she already has so much on her plate, etc., that I would like to do this for my father (whom I could not do much for when he was ill), etc. M refused, and said she could not bear to not do this for him, as he asked her. So my mother and I talked, and agreed with M that if she starts having trouble in India, she will hand the ashes over. So, for 2 weeks I'm going crazy, b/c this trusted friend and the woman who is currently in possession of the ashes, has on the one hand been perfectly kind and normal to me for 2 years, and on the other hand, trusted people are telling me that to bring her to India would be a risk to getting the ashes properly taken care of. To make matters wilder, when I went to visit a friend, her dad and another man (let us call them T and V) both good friends of my father's, reiterated that M is a risk, will flip in India, they are concerned about the ashes, etc. V even says he witnessed M being banned from India (well, actually that area, I believe, and not legally I don't think, but spiritually - but in the case of my religion, the guru's instruction is like law to us). Sooo...I start to get scared, and confused, even more than I was. Actually, scrap that. I was confused, but hearing T and V made me think that perhaps M is indeed going to prevent my properly taking care of my father and gma's ashes, a thought I cannot bear and cried over many times. After talking to T and V, I started to lose faith in M. I do not like this, b/c she was a friend and did so much for my father and grandmother, but these are trusted people telling me that she is not trustworthy, not mentally stable, etc. Then my sister (different father) and I went to talk to M in person, about giving the ashes to me for safekeeping. I prepared a whole speech beforehand, and I started talking about how various people said this, how I'd like to do this for my father....M says she believes her relationship, though not as his daughter, to be equal to the deep relationship I had with my father. Then my sister cuts in with more stuff, and when I start to cry, M stands up and says, she refuses to change the plan, and, "I'm not going to sit here and watch you cry," and she storms off, jumps into her car, and drives away. And, by the way, we don't know where she is staying, and when my sister recruited two of M's daughters to look for the ashes (my sister was very angry and is of the opinion that M is nuts and shouldn't be listened to), they don't find them. Today, this morning, my verdict was that I would still like to get the ashes, b/c I am afraid of something happening with M in India. Then I read emails that my mother traded bsck and forth with M. In tehse emails, M still seemed to think that her relationship with my dad was equal (or even superior!) to mine, but she also gave more her side of the story, mostly blaming her husband for stressing me so much, and being angry that he wrecked our friendship. Upon reading her emails, I feel back at step one. I don't know what to do or who to trust. On the one hand, M has a point when says that, as a loving daughter, shouldn't I follow my father's wishes, which were that she bring the ashes? On the other hand, various trusted people (excluding M's husband, who is iffy) are telling me she has no right, she's nuts, she's disobeying her guru's order, etc. It's so much, and I just don't know what to do or what to think, anymore. I'm angry and sad and frustrated, it's driving me absolutely bonkers. Doing this right is so important to me; I don't want there to be any mishap, I want to remember this forever positively, but I also want to honor my father, and M's very sincere desire to do her duty to my father. Help, please! Or hugs! anything! And if anyone has been in a similar wild situation, please share, because that will make me feel less alone in this chaos. P.S. I know this is complicated. Feel free to ask questions if something I wrote makes no sense.

Dear Korina, *hugshugshugs* I am sorry to hear that you are finding the 14 month mark so tough. Please know that you are not alone. We are with you in your sorrow, and in your joy over Kailyn. She sounds like an absolute blessing that God has sent your way to give you love, so now you have her love and Scott's love to bolster you. I cannot imagine being in your position, but I think crying sometimes it just what we need. I think that one of these days when I have a child, I will probably wish so much that my dad were around to meet him or her. I am not sure if you are one of those people who likes to think that our loved ones are watching over us, but if you are...I am sure Scott is so happy about Kailyn, and he is very proud of you and sending tons of love that you are so bravely and sweetly taking care of his and your little girl. take care, Chai

Someone please tell me if there is an update on this. So far I have been archiving by copy-pasting in a document, but I have lost track a bit of which ones; I do like the sound of that HTML page thing to send to my email address... I shall try experimenting and post again if I discover anything, like these 'archive' and 'download' options.

Dear Suzanne, I am so terribly sorry to hear of what trouble you are going through with your brother, son, and the rest of the family. I think it is a blessing indeed to believe in God or afterlife or some thing, in such hard times, and I myself have experienced that it has given me some strength. I hope that you can get some strength from higher sources, too. I wish I had some advice for what to do with your dear brother. I think it is good that you have someone to trust; at the same time, and no offense, but has this person that you trust ever had someone close die? I personally would encourage you to speak to your brother and try to do some healing between the two of you before he passes; I feel that this would be beneficial to you both, he for his remaining life, and you for your life after him, so that you will have one less thing to trouble you in grief. But, if the matter is just too fragile, then I would say at least speak to your brother, on other topics. Let him know that you love him. If you feel it is right, even talk to him about what he is going through. When my father was dying of cancer, I did not talk to him about what it was like. He was hoping to recover, and so I tried to be as happy and positive as possible. It was very hard. I would cry after talking to him on the phone. I would cry basically to everyone except him, just so that he could remain with his hope. But in retrospect, I do sometimes wish that I had spoken to him about what was going on; that we had connected on a deeper level, and gone beyond our various types of denial, and just spoken about it. I think it would have deepened our connection and been healing in some way - him, to vent his trouble to the person he held most dear, and me, to not be hurting now and wishing I had leveled with him more during his illness. I do also think about how, to know you are dying must be the worst. How hard it must be, for them to know that what they have done and will do, is soon over! It makes me very sad when I wonder what my father's real state of mind was then, because I know that he felt he did not accomplish everything he wanted to. And knowing he may have been troubled about that, hurts very much. I think all we can do is let them know that we love them. And be there as much as possible, and if it is a tough situation like with your brother, leave if it gets too hard to bear. But I would still encourage being htere as much as possible; this come from my personal experirence having been unable to be by my father's side when he was ill as much as I wished, and now the wishing dwells within me still. I do not want that you will wish that you had spoken more to your brother, or been with him more. When it comes down to it, and I do not meant to be hard but - when it comes down to it, these are final days with a loved one. That, I think, will at some point go beyond any arguments and such. That will drop away. It gets down to just, here is this person you love. Show him your love, and know that he loves you very, very much. He is hurting so much in so many ways, but remember that beyond whatever painful stuff he may say to you, he loves you. I wish you the very best, and your loved ones, and God bless! ((((((HUGS)))))), take care, Chai

Dear niamh, I would like to try and give some comfort. I have believed in reincarnation all of my life, and to me it is like a comfort rather than fear; I shall try and give some of this feeling here in my post, as well as explanation. Reincarnation says that each of us, rather than dying forever when our body dies, is actually a form of pure spirit. The soul is the essence of this spirit form. The soul lives forever and ever. Each soul has a place in eternal realms. Souls do sometimes go through cycles of various lives - animals and human - but we all eventually go back to our original place of being. We are all together again. Those souls with deep connections are said to encounter each other in repeated lives, because the souls carry over from life to life, certain intelligence and memories. As far as reincarnation goes, you will be with your father again, and there is no way that your father would forget you. I believe it is very possible that, as you say, your father is waiting for you 'on the other side.' As for how it all happens, well, common Hindu beliefs are that our souls are alloted certain bodies according to our individual karma, and the better karma we get, the better body we get, so that we may go more quickly back to eternal realms. Hinduism believes that the human body is a sign of good karma and that those born in a human body, especially people in the mode of goodness, are most likely to go right back to eternal realms after death. Once there, we are free from the 'loops' of birth and death, forever. Reincarnation is simply a sort of thing to encourage us to utilize our lives, right now this second, for the best purposes we can. I hope that something of what I said is of some comfort. If anything I said was scary, please accept my apologies. As golden48, I suggest prayer as the surest way to ease fears. ((((Hugs)))), take care, Chai

emptyinside, I can really relate to what you are saying. I feel lonely a lot, too. Even when I am at home amidst routine with family, I still feel lonely. I feel like if I talked about being sad about life in general, no one would understand. Only being around certain friends helps the loneliness to go away. I like the idea of coming home to a house teaming with people. I had not thought of that before, but now that you say it, it reminds me of 1) being at festivals, and 2) living at temples, which my mother used to do in the 60s and 70s. Both are connected to religion for me, which I do find to be comforting. I don't think I could stand to live alone, either, now; maybe a few cats, at least. I hope that you find some comfort and family who are willing to live together like that with you. (((HUGS))), Chai

Dear friends, and oh what wonderful friends you are. I feel that you all, besides my journal, my spiritual teachers, and the trees, are the only ones that know my heart of hearts these days. You I share my sadness with, that no one else hears or sees these days. Lately I have felt such intense longing for meaning. This has been a reoccuring longing that I have noted repeats itself in my journal. I have been thinking about this longing, and what it means, and what am I looking for? I am looking for things that satisfy me and give me happiness. I am looking for discussion, of matters both shallow and fun, and depthful and serious. I am looking for things that make me think and feel intensely. I am looking for love, and to feel special to people. My father encompassed all of these, and ever since his loss I have noticed how much the others around me fall short. I know I should be grateful for a stable life, supportive friends and family, but...they express their love differently than he did. This is something I am sortof mulling over and thinking over (and being miserable over) tonight. I think I am looking for the same affection that I had with my father. Not that same relationship, of father and daughter; that cannot and I don't think ever will be replicated by anyone. But I really feel that my father loved with all of his heart. Or at least, he did me. He gave me all of his love. He was the sort of person who wore his feelings on his sleeve. He would say his thoughts and not hold it back. This got him in trouble sometimes, but he was innocent and childlike in that way. And, like a child, that quality of innocence was endearing and made him even more loveable. When I graduated, I was relieved. I thought I would be returning to an affectionate environment with family and friends. And well, they are, but it isn't the same. I wanted affectionate exchanges; I haven't really had many. My mother and stepfather have their routine, they follow it, and not a lot of deep feelings get expressed. My friends are busy with school and work. I know they can't help it, and they would talk if they could, or thought to, or knew I needed it, but meanwhile, I feel so lonely. I want it to be obvious that I am loved. I want to feel special and light and encouraged and peaceful, like I did with my dad. Lately, nothing satisfies me. Nothing. I just want people to smile and laugh and hug me, and to show me how they love me. I know it is fruitless to wish that everyone could be like my dad, but can't people just be a little more vocal and feeling? Why is the world of today so calm, so composed, and afraid of showing their feelings? I really, really wish people would ACT more loving; I know their love for me is there, but their way of showing it, well, they don't show it. Or it's just routine and I don't get much feeling from them. I feel just so miserable, missing the deep, touching, and obvious way of expressing love that my dad had around me. I don't even mean specific words or anything when I say 'ways'; I guess I mean, a certain feeling I got, just, I dunno, when you know that you're totally and absolutely loved. It feels so good and safe and on top of the world! He made it so obvious that he loved me, and he was not afraid to show it. I feel it helped me so much in life. Without him, I feel lonely, small, and unloved. Seriously. I almost feel like no one loves me. I know it's not true, but it hurts that no one can even show that they do. Even the daily "Love you"s with family feel hollow. I want to open this up to discussion so it won't be just counsel...although advice I would love...and, if you want to, sharing of ways that your loved ones (or you!) show/ed love.

Dear L (Daughter2010), it is certainly a tough road. It is ironic becuse it seems we have lost the people who would help us most to walk this tough road. But at least we have each other, right? I find that coming on this site helps to remind me that I am not alone. I too, wonder why God picked that precise moment to cause my father to pass on - why that time in his life? that day? place? etc. But I cannot claim to understand why God picked that; all I can do is try and live with it, and to make my father proud. I think remembering that our fathers would be very proud of us right now, is helpful. Yes, you are just existing, but I think your father would be very proud of you for it. This time is tough, as you said, but you are making it. You are getting through it. Even just day by day, that is good, and so very brave. Animal, thank you for your post. You are totally coming from the same, Big Picture place that I am. yes! when people complain about small things, I want to yell at them too. At the same time I sometimes feel fueled by small things into anger, but really it is the grief talking through me and reacting to little things. You know, it is really hard to be sympathetic sometimes. We have experienced the worst pain, pain that people just can't understand at all without being in our shoes; so being unsympathetic to others' small things, I think, is understandable. I won't say I'm proud of it, but I can relate. At the same time, I am hoping to let go of my anger, because I think there are few situations where anger is helpful. But I am relieved I could vent it here to you all. Thank you!

Dear friend, Please accept my condolences for the passing of your father, and also for the hardships that your family - yours with your wife, and yours with your parents - experienced. I hope that some healing can take place so that the relationship between you, your mother, and your wife can become one of light and love. I have not myself experienced family battles like this, but I can relate to the longing for a future that was imagined, of being adults together, of you and your father being on equal footing. My father passed away, too, and I am young; I also wish that I could have experienced a life where my father saw me as adult, and where I myself was more adult. I'm in my 20s, so I thought I was grown up, but really I am realizing that, I am still growing up. So I wish very much that I could have experienced how my relationship with my father would have grown as I grew up, got married, had kids. Now my father will never meet any man I marry, or any children I have. I had an image of going on hikes - an old favorite pastime of my father's and I - with my father and children. Now, that image is nothing but a wish that will never happen. So I can relate to feeling robbed. You are not alone. I wish you healing, and please feel free to post here anytime. We are all on the long journey of grief together, and talking helps. take care, Chai

Thank you to niamh and Marty for sharing. niamh, I am so happy you found out about memory bears! I was similarly overjoyed when I found out about them, although in the end I decided not to because I want to save my dad's clothes. I do love the idea, though, and I love seeing memory bears others have made or have done. If you ever get one, please share a picture with us! Thanks to Marty and lots of research and hard work, I've decided to stick with doing my memorial site via blogger. I already knew how to use it (or I thought I did), but it took a while to get things looking the way I wanted and etc. But I did it! Here is the url for the new memorial site (nothing really up yet): Songs of Love and Light

Hello beautiful people, I shall contribute, even though...this is tough. All of your posts are so loving and beautiful, it is wonderful to read them, even if tears are streaming down all our faces... I miss my dad's crazy laugh when he found something very funny I miss warning him or getting scared when he would drive terribly I miss talking about books and movies and friends and problems with my mom and everything, just everything! I miss seeing him in his plaid shirts, and seeing him dressed up in his best for festivals I miss hearing his horse-puffing sound when he was dancing around packing things in the car for our hike and picnic I miss his pointing out beautiful things on our hikes together - and I miss our hikes together! I miss his advice on things when I got sick; I didn't pay attention much then, but I'd give anything for some dandelion root or something now I miss his "Let's m-m-m-mosey on!" I miss his making sure I had socks and good shoes before we left for a hike I miss, even, waiting hours for him to show up! I miss hugs, so much I miss him talking about his "longjohns" in the winter and laughing with me when I'd laugh I miss visiting him and getting our bedrolls out for bed, and knowing when I went to bed that he was an arm's length away I miss his singing and dancing around the kitchen, and his smile while he prepared fruit plates for me, grandma and him Ahh, there's too much! I could go on and on...gosh I miss him...it's so strange still, sometimes, that he's not here. So much lightness and serenity and happiness is gone now that he's not here anymore. Glad to have contributed.... take care all, Chai

Dear Shelley, My heart goes out to you. Recently I had a friend of mine desire to commit suicide at school, after a horrible experience with a boyfriend, and I convinced her to stay in this world. She now has a new boyfriend who is a genuinely loving person, and very kind towards her. I cannot say that you have fears as she did, more like sadness. But I will say to you, please take care of yourself. You are loved. You are loved here, and by many, and by your dear parents. I might make you angry, but I want to say - your parents love you and would not want you to kill yourself. I believe that they are very proud of you for getting so far, and the further along in this journey you go, the more strength you will acquire. Please know that you are loved and that your love for others is appreciated. Every kindness you do comes back to you, and I think that for your strength and love for your parents - be strong FOR THEM! - you will, gradually, be uplifted from your current sorrow. You just gotta keep going. We all here believe in you and love you very much. You are very special to us. We know that you can go on, and we are here for you in all your sorrow. ((((((((HUGS))))))))))) take care, Chai

Dear niamh, I wish I had some words of comfort, and perhaps, at 15 months, I should...but all I can say is, I have been there, and sometimes I still am there, with you; where I want to just lie in bed, and cry for my dad. I also would love to lie in bed and talk to someone about my dad. It hurts very much when people are afraid of our grief, or minimize it, or expect us to get over it. I can understand your anger that people offline are not acknowledging that immense hurt. I still have times where I sit and think, how could this have happened? and I put myself back there, when I heard that news, or back with his voice and hearing his sadness on the phone...and my heart gets broken again. But let me tell you, it does get easier. It does. There will be times when you can think of your dad's smile or laugh, and laugh with the memory. You can write letters, and feel the relief as if a physical pain has been lifted from in your chest. Also, in kindnesses to others, I feel we also nourish ourselves in our grief. Somehow, by being kind in any way to others, we are doing kindness to ourselves too. Because we know that doing that would make our fathers happy, and that even if some people are not acknowledging our sadness, we can still give a bit of joy to others. It is a sort of therapy, I feel. I am not urging you to donate money or anything. I'm saying that just be doing things like (((hugs))) on this site, you are being kind to others, and in turn this kindness will come back to you, I am sure, whether now or in the future. We treat each other very sweetly here, and it is a comfort. I think it is good that you are talking about and acknowledging your sadness at 5 months by marking it here. Good for you. Please know that I am thinking of you. ((((((HUGS)))))), take care, Chai

Dear friends, You are such good friends to me in this time of hardship and struggle, and I thank you. You are all so sweet, wise, and understanding in different ways. Tomorrow is my graduation. I plan to wear various tokens of my loved ones - a rock my father used to have in his car for luck, in my pocket, and one of my grandmother's necklaces around my neck. Kath, your post is very touching. I am amazed at what you are seeing in me. The thought that each time I post, there is some growth, had not occured to me, that I post at pivotal times in my grief journey. I am glad to know that you can see the process in me, because sometimes I do not feel like I am moving at all; rather, I feel stuck, and since - like you said - as we move further from the death date, there are less ears to listen, I feel even more stuck. I don't mind at all the idea that my father will be watching over me; thank you for that thought. niamh, hugs from another daddy's girl, and I appreciate your encouraging me to be honest with my mother. Since my dad passed away, I have less patience for beating around the bush, and value family more. I am going to try to be more honest with my mother about anything and everything. I've sent her a couple more "grown up" emails lately and spoken to her more as a peer...I think it unnerves her a bit. But it feels good to me. I want to be able to develop my relationship with my mother, with us both as adults, since I will not get quite that opportunity anymore, with my father now gone. Aquarius, thank you. I utterly agree with what you said about the Big Picture. So much stuff does not really matter. It is unfortunate that it takes something large and tragic in my life to make me realize this, but at the same time, I think it is good that I am realizing it now. I can now go into my future and value the things that are really important, and not waste time, because that fear of the Big, Important Things, has less hold on me. I hope to make my father proud. He would be overjoyed to hear my realization of learning to value the big things in life. I can hear him laughing about it in joy right now, in fact. =D Ah, and you are right on counting blessings. I forget that sometimes, but you are right. My sister and uncle could not come to graduation after all, but I've my mom, stepdad and brothers, and so many people are waiting to congratulate me when I get home. I feel very loved. I am blessed in comparison to many. Niamh! In reply to your second post, oh my heart goes out to you, girl. You sound so much like me in my beginning. I, too, worried about photos, and had a hard time talking. Do not worry. Some day, you will want to and be ready to talk. When you are, I advise you find a shoulder to cry on, literally, someone sweet and strong who will just listen, and don't let them go. The reason I have trouble talking still, now, I feel, is because I did not find the right people. It hurts so much right now, to still be struggling, and to feel I have little people outside of this site, to talk to about my father. Please don't be like me. When you want to, go and search, however scary it may be, for someone to talk to. It is an invaluable thing to help you in your grief journey. (and on photos, cherish them! I too have few photos, because my parents were separated, and many of his photos were lost...but I am so grateful for the photos I do have. Look at them again and again, and as your grief journey progresses, what each photo means to you will change. At least, that's how it is for me). And as for memories...they will come, too. I used to try and force it, and would get so furious with myself if I could not remember a specific conversation in detail. Now I just let it come, and if I can't remember specifics, that's okay, I still have the happiness and serenity that accompanied my father to wash over me. Thank you all SO much for your words! You are liken to angels, all of you. Love and light, take care, Chai

Thank you so much for your reply, Marty! =D I was, in fact, thinking of using Blogger for my memorial website, since I am familiar with that website and how it works. I really love the link you gave me. What beautiful memorial websites! I might very well make one of those, or do it in addition to my Blogger memorial website idea. Thank you! take care, Chai

Dear friends, While researching an author for a homework assignment, I discovered a beautiful memorial website for her. It is not beautiful in the visual aspect. It is a plain white page with a large column of text; the text is entry after entry of people sharing their memories of her. I call the website beautiful because of how much love was there in those people's entries. The idea has struck me that I might want to do a similar website idea dedicated to my father. I remember how beautiful all the stories people shared at my dad's memorial were, and how I wished last year at the one-year anniversary, that I could be at the memorial again, and hear those wonderful stories. I do not know how to make a website or have money for it. I think I am going to make an online blog, and have people send me their stories, which I will then post on the blog site. It might not happen if I don't get responses, but if it does I have a few questions - Have any of you or anyone you know made memorial websites for your loved ones? How did you go about it? Did you make your own independent website or go through another site to make yours? Or maybe you haven't made a site, but have something you'd like to add? Thank you, hugs and take care, Chai

Hi everyone, hugs to all. I am at one year and 5 months right now, which is...I don't even know. I don't feel, as I did before, an anxiety about the time passing by since my dad was here with me. Now, I just feel resigned. Lately I have been pretty angry with the world. I am just so fed up with everything - school, people, myself, everything. Small things have started to tick me off. I have less patience and am short with people. I speak more harshly and say what is on my mind, with no qualms about hurting people or sounding awful. I did not sign up for counseling this year, which was stupid. Now I have roughly three weeks left until graduation, and I am feeling like I did not do a lot of grief work this entire school year. Of course, it is my senior year, but...damn it, I feel so lonely. Everyone around me is so shallow and they just talk about material stupid things, all the time. Even my friends an hour away, who I've known for years, they are too busy with work and school. I visited them last week, and instead of getting to talk to them deeply, I went shopping with them (one of them needed a dress for an awards ceremony). I am starting to feel infuriated at myself for never talking to anybody about my grief. And now, even non-grief little things, like my bike in the basement downstairs getting dusty, make me angry with myself. Maybe all my fury is coming from the fact that my grief has been kept inside (except here, and journaling) forever, it feels. I looked back at an old journal entry, and I was thinking of stuff I would say to people - realizations, sad things, like that my dad was my best friend but I realized it too late - but then, what would be the point of talking to people? There is nothing they can do. This is permanent. Death is permanent. I continue to not talk to people around me, or even special people like certain friends and my mom. I keep being a clam. I don't want to be a clam anymore! Now I don't even have my grandmother - my father's mother - to talk to about it, since she passed on last year. I think if she were still here, I would be ready to talk to her deeply about it now. When she passed on, we were at the 6 month mark with my dad, so it was still too tough. I still think she died of heartbreak. Little things have been helping me. I journal. I come here and read, and post a little. I have been diving into religious anything and everything, lately. I have been going to temple weekly, and reading a lot, and even doing my mantra stuff. I am usually lax with all that, but lately it is the only thing that gives me comfort and makes me feel sane. I cannot tell my mother how much I am hating school right now, because she pays thousands of dollars for me to go. Graduation is just a reminder of who will not be there; I do not look forward to it, except in that it means I will be finally done. I have invited a lot of friends and family to come to see me graduate, including my dad's brother (my rambling, politics-loving sweet uncle) and his wife. But you know what? I would give up having all those people there (except my mother), if only my father and grandmother could be there. I cannot tell you how much I wish I could glance down in the crowd and see them; even if he were in a wheelchair! If only he were still here. An old friend of mine in India tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building, and shattered bones in his wrists and ankles. I haven't talked to him in years, and I wish I had. I feel like the misery he is going through, in his mind, maybe I can relate a little. I know what it is like to feel very sad and alone. He is hospitalized in Thailand right now; I have been following his health updates online. Thinking of him in a wheelchair or bedridden, it makes me think of my father. This poor guy, I knew him since childhood, and he is only 20, and he cannot even stand or walk right now without extreme pain. This reminded me of how, when my dad was in hospital, the idiotic people there left him in a wheelchair for hours and he was in excruciating pain - this soon after a spine surgery!! Anyway I am going on. Point is, I feel like I am about to explode, I'm angry, and I feel I have no one to talk to. It makes me miss my dad even more, 'cause he'd have good advice for ALL of this stuff! Any hugs or words of advice would be greatly appreciated. hugs and take care, Chai

Dear niamh, I can relate to what your post is saying. Hugs and hugs again to you. I think people do not realize at all how important it is for them to be supportive and just listen to us. This includes in our early MONTHS, not just our early weeks. I was around friends who have only known me for a couple years, during my few months, and while I cannot blame them entirely, I do blame them somewhat for not making it known when they were open to listening. I think if they had, I would be less of a clam about my grief now, at one year and 5 months. All I can is take advantage when people do want to listen. And totally take advantage of this board, and anyone else who relates. I have one friend in offline life who had his mother pass on, who I talk to a lot on grief. It is really special to have someone to share with, even if it is sad. They understand. I know what you mean about Easter, Christmas, all that. What really touched me even more on your post, what I can relate to more at my 1 year and 5 months, is what you said about your father. How he was the one to fix things. How he is the one you want to hear from right now. How he would known what to say. God I can relate to that! I feel like that about my father so much, too. I really wonder so much what he would say to things, and sometimes I cannot help compare people to him, and they come up so short in comparison. My dad, like yours, just had this...this special something, that other people can't nail on the head. I hope that your friend lightens up about the "fixing." Or maybe just come out and tell her? Honesty is the best in all things, I believe. take care, Chai