Chai

I do, I do, I do know. I feel like that...even though it's so early on for me, I feel that. That tiredness...I just had to lay down today, because of the emotional tiredness of carrying the sadness around. I feel right now like I'll keep carrying it forever, and nothing will ever be normal again. Like, how could I go around doing stuff with friends? I do sort of wish I could put it down though, or see my dad...just for a little bit. Dreams help, and yes, memories. You are definitely not alone in this feeling of tiredness.

I accidentally double-posted...this is me going back and editing... On another note, were any music artists/budding musicians out there inspired to write songs for their loved ones?

Dear AnnieO, would you mind sharing your dad's special song with us? I would love to hear it/read the lyrics. I have found that music is really helping me - helping me to notice my feelings, helping me to take deep breaths. MartyT, thank you so much for those wonderful links. If I could, I would like to share another song: by Enya, "Last Time by Moonlight The winter sky above us Was shining In moonlight, And everywhere around us The silence Of midnight. And we had gathered snowflakes; Remember The soft light Of starlight on snow. Oooh, remember this, For no-one knows The way love goes. Oooh, remember this, For no-one knows The way life goes. We walked the road together One last time By moonlight, As underneath the heavens The slow chimes At midnight, But nothing is forever Not even The starlight At midnight Not even The moonlight... Oooh, remember this, For no-one knows The way love goes. Oooh, remember this, For no-one knows The way life goes. Listen: ---- My personal connection to this song is, it reminds me of a beautiful beach walk I did with my dad this past August. It was late at night, and we walked along the beach, enjoying its beauty, the sound of the waves, the feel of sand underfoot. I don't know where this beach is in LA, but I want to figure out a way to go back there. My dad is gone, but the places that he brought me to, beautiful places in nature, are still there. I want to go back to them, being at these places makes me feel a little like he is still here, with me.

Aww, Shauna Marie, your ideas for getting Nascar guys and making a memorial table are really sweet. I really like that angels signify your mother to you, that is wonderful. It's so nice to have these little things like that to treasure, isn't it? Aside from things left by my dad or given to me by him, well, my little spiral-bound notebooks (I have many) remind me of him. I write my stories and story notes in them, but my dad, he always carried a planner around. He planned everything, wrote down his grocery lists in it, when I came to visit him and where we went, neat little things he heard that he liked - everything. Usually he wrote it in a big binder, but sometimes on trips he carried little spiral-bound notebooks around, the one-subject, 8x11 ones. So now my notebooks remind me of him. Also, pens. Specifically Bick Pens; those were his favorites. Crystals and neat little stones I find make me think of him, too. I collect rocks - semi-precious stones, crystal, etc., and my dad got me into it. He believed crystals have healing powers. So, all my collections, and whenever I just randomly come across a neat rock or something, reminds me of him. Sea shells, too; we went to the beach a few times. My giant teddy bear (who is very comforting to me, especially now) reminds me of my dad. This lady Jolene that was staying at his house once, gave the bear to me. She got him at the dollar store, and I fell so in love with him - wanted to rush straight to the dollar store and buy one for me - so she gave the bear to me from the kindness of her heart. He's been with me for about 5 years now, maybe 4, and he helps me a lot when I'm sad. He's so big and cuddly. Sort of like my Pooh Bear, I guess, Shauna. My change purse makes me think of my dad, too. It's a girlier one than his - he just had a plain plastic green one. I remember being fascinated with it as a kid, haha, playing with it. Later I just admired its practicality. He used to carry it on his keychain, a while back. I haven't seen one with him in a few years, but it used to be his habit. So now my coinpurse makes me think of my dad. Ah, I will say more as I think of things...it is nice to cherish the memories. You know, I used to watch Pooh Bear stuff as a kid, and read the books. Christopher Robin was one of my fave characters. He reminded me of me, going out into the wilderness with his stuffed animals and stories. I liked Pooh and Piglet and Tigger, too. Rabbit made me angry...I can't quite remember why.

Oh, I agree, I agree. Sharing is caring, as the saying goes. It really helps to be able to talk about it. I am sorry to hear about your dad, it really is so tough. I lost my dad less than a month ago and he was 54. It is wonderful and really says something for the power of love, that you and your mother are really sticking close right now. That is so good! I am happy that you are able to be so strong and so encouraging, it is really sweet of you to have so many nice sentiments for us, an inspiring attitude.

Marty, Thank you so much for posting that! Wow! Oh, I love it. I would love to light a candle for my dad. I think both the Rabbi and Dr. Holland have excellent points.

AnnieO, thank you! That's sweet of you. The chimes and/or suncatcher idea sound absolutely beautiful. That will be a great display to drive past.

I'm not sure if this is the right forum category for this, I almost put this in the poetry section, but, that's poetry, And this applies to every type of loss, so I couldn't put in my current haunt, the Loss of Parent or Grandparent forum... I have been listening to music that makes me both happy and sad, because it reminds me of my dad. Some of the lyrics make me cry, and some make me smile. I should probably only share the happy stuff, but no, this site also acknowledges the sad feelings, I feel. So, I don't mean to make everyone sad, but I wanted to share a song: by Enya, "If I could be where you are" Where are you this moment? Only in my dreams. You're missing, but you're always A heartbeat from me. I'm lost now without you, I don't know where you are. I keep watching, I keep hoping, But time keeps us apart Is there a way I can find you, Is there a sign I should know, Is there a road I could follow To bring you back home? Winter lies before me Now you're so far away. In the darkness of my dreaming The light of you will stay If I could be close beside you If I could be where you are If I could reach out and touch you And bring you back home Is there a way I can find you Is there a sign I should know Is there a road I can follow To bring you back home to me Listen: link ----- So...I was wondering...anybody else having any experiences with music and how it is affecting/helping you in your grief? I was wondering if anyone had any more songs they could share...

Hullo everybody, You all are so, so sweet! Thank you so much for the kind words. It is very touching. It means so much to me to have you all here to talk to. Leeann, thank you so much. You are right, the tears are good. I actually felt a bit better, after having cried them. Like something had been let out, even though it still hurt...like the weight got a tiny bit lighter, or something. And I do still feel a bit better, from crying, the day after. I remembered my mom's idea to plant a tree in the back yard for my dad, and after searching online, I found the name of a tree I know he loved: quaking aspen. Not sure if that kind'll go in our climate at my mom's, but even so, I felt happy to find it and go, "that's the one!" emptyinside, keep that CD. Keep it in there as long as you want, or need, or forever. That is so good that you found it! It's great to have little, comforting (but also saddening) things like that. I have sweaters and shirts of my dad's, and they still sortof smell like him and his closet. I don't think I'll ever wash them! (((MartyT))) and (((mlg))), I will definitely check out those links! ooh. Thank you. I like the idea to go back and look at posts...at the same time, it's sadenning to read them...sometimes it feels like the day I found out he was gone. I sent an email to an old friend of his the other day, who is faraway and might not have heard, and had this trouble breathing moment and had to drink some water and lie down. I will eventually get around to reading my old posts, though. Is there a "save this thread" to favorites option? I would love to save certain helpful threads to some sort of folder box, so that I can go back and read them. mlg, I am sorry to hear you are back at baby steps. But they are still steps! Every sort of step counts. One day at a time, one day at a time...*deep breath* AnnieO, the picture I have up is one my dad and me when I was about 2 or 3. He brought me hiking with him even then. (((Hugs))) to everyone... Chai

And thank you, Mariah. I haven't spoken to you before, but just reading your post has made me happy. I am happy for you, and it is good to know that it gets so that it doesn't hurt every day. COngratulations on your application!

MississippiGirl, Your love and encouragement for us all...it feels so good. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Annie, oh I am so happy for you. I think it is so sweet, that you can stand there and say, "no mom, I have never seen anything so beautiful." That is soo sweet and special. Reading your post makes me think about my mother's idea to plant a tree for my dad in the backyard in his honor. I did my research and found the name of one of his favorite trees - quaking aspen! It felt so good to find it go, "aha! That's it!" There are little things that feel good. It's wonderful.

Nicole, another thing I wanted to say is - sharing here might help. So many people here, all ages, all sorts of people, from everywhere and every walk of life, have experienced a loss. They feel for you, and they are sad, too. Maybe talking on this website to everybody, not just those your age, will help you. I think all the people on this website, with their (unfortunate) experience, can help those of us who are new to understand, perhaps how we can react to those around us who do not understand our pain. I am having trouble with people at school, too, in that I simply feel a bit awkward around them, and even though some of them are my friends, I don't feel quite like they are the people who are most supportive and understand my grief. They seem to want to distract me, or avoid the topic. I am fine with not avoiding the topic, so...thankfully winter break is soon. Wishing you the best, Chai

Wow, I thought I was having trouble crying...not tonight! Oh, man. I put in the same CD I've been listening to, the beautiful, soothing Enya CD "Memory of Trees" (it was my dad's CD, and he made me become an Enya fan). And...all of a sudden, so many song lyrics made me think of my dad. So right in the middle of working on an essay, I had to stop and grab all my kleenex, and just sit, and...meditate on my dad, and be sad, and write down my feelings and why I felt the particular song related to him. And then I started thinking...what am I going to do on Father's Day?...which brought a whole new gush of tears and more Kleenex-needing. Father's Day wasn't ever HUGE in my life, but now it has more significance. I'm going to miss calling him up and telling him Happy Father's Day, and hearing in his voice how grateful he is that I called! He was always so obliging and humble about it, as if it was extra special for me to tell him Happy Father's Day, instead of just tradition. And the other day, I was remember how around Christmastime, my dad, grandma and I would go driving around looking at the decorated houses. My dad always found the houses with the most awesome decorations and light displays. What am I going to do this year? Oh...this is heartbreaking, guys. I don't understand how anyone ever deals with it. Here I am believing in reincarnation and the soul, but I never had death dangled right in front of my face. It's startling, to say the least.

Stellar, I am sorry to hear of the trouble you are going through. It is so saddening to lose someone, so hard that it seems unbearable at times. You are not alone. I just lost my dad in November but somehow, some way, I am having this thing - delayed grief? - or maybe I'm just in shock. I feel like I should be crying my eyes out, but I'm not, and it's sort of disturbing. As people have been saying, I would recommend going to a counselor. It helps to be able to talk to someone about it, and someone who doesn't know you, that way you don't feel afraid to talk to them, or too vulnerable. And there is nothing wrong with being vulnerable. We all feel vulnerable, because we are sad (even if we are not crying) about having lost someone very dear to us. Your mom should be understanding about counseling, even if it has been 3 years, this is something important, some important healing that you need. No matter what, go to counseling anyway, and don't think about "what will people think?" This is a time for you. Put aside work, put aside others' judgments; this is a time for you to work on yourself, to help yourself, and to grieve. It may sound selfish, but it's important. I spoke to a counselor recently and she told me, "Don't judge yourself. You are putting too many 'shoulds' in there, you are trying to put yourself in a box of 'this is right.'" But when you're grieving, there is no right! Everyone does it differently, so I've read and been told. So, just go with the flow of your feelings, and let whatever needs to be done to help you, happen, without feeling guilty or judging yourself for needing to do so. Wishing you the best, Chai

emptyinside, I think there is nothing wrong with not viewing the body. It is a very troubling thought, of seeing someone that you love so so much, in a different state. You would rather remember him as he was when he was alive, when he was smiling and happy. I wasn't able to attend my dad's cremation, because a couple days after I found out I had lost him, I got terribly sick. I was still sick on the cremation day, so I couldn't attend. But someone got a video of some of the ceremonial rites my religion does, before the cremation. I have yet to see that video, because I am scared. But at the memorial for my dad, someone had a picture of him from the cremation, and my mom looked at it and said, it was okay, so I decided to take a look. Now, I sortof wish I hadn't, and I am a little scared of that picture of him. People are saying, "oh, he looks like he's asleep," and he sortof does, but...I still don't like the picture. It makes me feel strange, and hurt, and sad. So I won't look at it anymore. I also read that viewing the body is closure, but...personally, it just made me feel more miserable and sad, and kind of scared, because even though it was my dad and looks like my dad...he's not the same. So, having this own experience of mine, and reading what you have said about your feelings, I would say, maybe waiting would be good. Give it time. Also, I have a question. What are you going to do with the urn? Are you going to have a ceremony for it, or maybe a scattering? I think, for those of us whose loved ones were cremated, an important step of healing is what we do with that urn. My dad's urn is at a special place by a big framed picture of him at my grandmother's apartment. In the spring, I am going with a friend or two to India, to scatter my dad's ashes in 2 particuar holy rivers, as he requested. I actually look forward to it, even though it is sad, becuase I feel it is a healing thing, and it is a spiritual connection to my dad. Also because it is one of the biggest gifts I can give my dad ever, to fulfill his request, and to allow his soul to feel satisfied and complete. So, even though the urn might be scary now, maybe in the future, wherever the urn goes can be a place of refuge for you, where you can go talk to your dad. I hope that some of what I said is helpful, and I am sorry if I brought things too much too real too fast. Wishing you the best, Chai

Kim, I shall pray for you and your children. I hope that your Christmas this year is at least a little brighter, and that you have a wonderful time with your brother and family.

I really like this article. What a beautiful idea! I would love to do something like this for my dad for Christmas, especially when I go visit my grandmother. Thank you for posting!

Hello Nicole, I think that the above poster is right. It does not matter what age we are, we are all sad, and I think that we can all help each other. At the same time, though, I can understand wanting someone your age to talk to, especially if you are feeling like your peers, or friends, or siblings, are not open to listening. I would also like to have someone around my age to talk to. My dad just passed away, on November 17th, of cancer. I can relate to the pain and sadnes you are feeling. I shall email you.

emptyinside, it really touches me that you have replied to my post. You are strong, too. You helped take care of your dad, you helped so much! I read your thread, and I find it very touching. But I was not sure what to say, other than, that I am also feeling very similarly, having lost my dad, too. But now your post has made me realize, that I did not have to say anything special, or healing, or profound. Just knowing that you are here, and can relate to me, and vice versa, is comforting. It makes me feel less lonely. I hope that having me here, just being sad with you and crying with you, maybe helps you a little bit, even if it's sad...if that makes any sense. Thank so much for your reply.

So, this is just a random sad post... I'm just having a sad, devastating moment, and I'm just posting here because I feel like you all are part of my new community I've adopted. New family, sortof, and you all can relate. (((mlg))), thank you for your comment. I think you have a good point. I have to be patient with myself. It takes time. It's so heavy, this sadness. It really bogs me down, mostly right before I go to bed. I feel like only me and my teddy bear know how truly sad I am. I can't wait till my school semester is over, and I am free to just...be. I would love to just curl up in my bed with my bear, and sleep, and watch movies, and read, and be sad. If only my mother didn't have work, so she could be around to just sit with me. I'm afraid that when I go home, on the days that are work days for my mom and stepdad, I'll feel very sad and alone...here, I at least have school to keep me busy. When school is up, what will I do? Part of me is glad, to have time to myself to be sad, but another is afraid of being in a room, idle, all by myself...

Leeann, Thank you so much for your kind reply. I really need the encouragement to be able to just express it and let it all out, and I hope I can inch forward on that and progress. Also, I really like what you said about having my dad with me during finals and talking to him, getting encouragement from him. I think it would make me feel a lot better to do that, and less like I have lost that encouraging, bright voice telling me to pursue my dreams. I am going to a counseling appointment on Tuesday, and I really hope that will help me to open up to people. Also, I have just received some very sweet messages from family friends and the lady who was there as an emotional therapist to my dad, and helped him to be peaceful in his last moments. This woman means a lot to me, and so I feel a little stronger, having heard from her. It's funny how you go back and forth from feeling really weak, and then there are moments where something or someone comes along, and you feel a little bit stronger, or at least, a little more sweetly sad, instead of just sad.

mlg, Thank you so much for your kind words. I can't imagine how sad you must feel, to have lost both your father and your husband. Just losing one person is heartbreaking, I can't imagine keeping going on with the rhythms of life with two losses. The people on this website are so strong! It's amazing. There is a counseling service on-campus. I have signed up for it, and my first appointment is on Tuesday. I hope it helps me to be more open about my feelings...somehow I just feel sortof numb. Maybe I haven't accepted it. I want to be able to cry more though, to get it out, instead of just being miserable inside. I feel a bit like the lady in this article: http://opentohope.com/hope/dealing-with-gr...why-cant-i-cry/ For Finals, well...I am just going to take them and get them over with, so that I can go home and just curl up on the couch or in bed, and have my mom around for hugs. Thank you, Chai

I don't know if I'm allowed to reply to news topics, but I just wanted to say, thank you for posting this article! I really like what the author says about being with whomever feels safe. I don't really feel right, "safe", with certain good friends, even though they are good friends. I am still looking around for "safe" people, really. And I have a question - how do I give myself permission to grieve? This article made me realize...I think, I haven't given myself permission to grieve yet. I'm resisting. Help? (I'll try posting this in a more appropriate thread, too).

I'm really glad I joined this site...reading others' posts has helped me to feel a little better, especially when I wake up in the middle of the night. That's how I found this in the first place. I don't really know where to begin... My father recently passed away from cancer, on November 17th, 2008. His loss was the closest I have ever had (besides pets, and a family friend), and it is hitting me really hard. My mother and father separated when I was 2, so for my whole life, my father has been the visitor. He would pick me up from home, and we would go places. Most of what we did was go on hikes, because my father loved nature, and because of him, I love nature, too. In September my father was hospitalized, because a vertebra bone in his back had been broken by something in his neck; the doctors replaced the bone with metal. I was so worried, devastated. My father was a natural healer, always healthy. He used many techniques to heal people - iridology, blood cell analysis, detoxification, so many things. He was very good at just sitting down with people and helping them to emotionally heal. It's ironic, because now that my dad is gone, I could really use his healing help! My mother was the one who called me up and told me that the tumor that broke the vertebra bone was tested by the doctors and found to be cancerous. For the next few weeks, I went through this struggle of - do I think of it realistically? Or do I hope? The thing is, when I talked to my dad on the phone, he sounded so hopeful. He was talking about his business again - he wanted to establish a healing center - and walking again. After a week or so he left the hospital. Since my dad was a natural healer, he hated being in the hospital. He refused chemo, and went home, and got in-home hospital care. This lady named Millie who my family has known for a few years, and who also lived down in Los Angeles, helped take care of my dad. He losr use of his legs, and lay in a hospital bed at home...it was tough for him, to be so taken care of, because he was used to taking care of himself. I was so sad, and when I went to visit him I was still sad, but so happy that I was visiting him. You see, my dad was...the sort of person who didn't want to admit how bad he was feeling. He didn't even tell me what was going on, really; he left it to others, and that was part of him dealing with what was happening to him. So my mother and I, knowing how he was, decided to give him some time to settle in at home. So we didn't visit until mid-October. Now, part of me wishes we visited earlier. The doctors gave him a year, so even being realistic, I thought I had more time. When I visited, it felt so good to visit. I was influenced by my dad's good spirits and hopeful mood. I was strong during the visit, and only totally broke down when my mom and I were driving back home. I wanted to stay! I wanted to say, forget school, and just stay there and be with him, even though I couldn't help him heal or do anything, really. That was the last I saw him. I talked to him on November 16th, and I remember being heartbroken after because he was talking about being in pain. And then suddenly on Monday the 17th, the cancer spread to his lungs, and he was gone! Part of me is heartbroken because I wasn't there...I didn't get to say goodbye. But I did get to tell him I loved him the night before. There is this wonderful healer named Diana, who was an emotional therapist for my father in his last days. She held his hand, she helped him to be unafraid, and he left with a group of friends around him, chanting holy mantras. And in the spring, school or no school, I am going to India to bring his ashes to be scattered in the holy rivers there like he requested. So, it is more my feeling of separation from him, and feeling sad for myself, because though my father was only 54 years old, I feel he had an auspicious passing and lived a wonderful life. Also, I believe in reincarnation, so I believe that his soul went on to a new, better body, and that God took him to that body as an opportunity to do his service again, in a body that was more physically able. I was going to visit him on December 6th, it was going to be my next visit, and I was looking forward to it so much! He was talking about walking again in December, and I didn't know what to think of that. But I thought to myself, even if he never walks again, I will bring him in a wheelchair to the local temple (my religion is from India), I will wheel him through beautiful paths in parks in a sort of hike...I knew certain things would be different, and certain things torn away from me - like telling him to sit down, when he'd be walking around with his salad bowl eating. That would be gone. But I thought, I'd still be able to talk to him, enjoy nature with him... There was an amazing memorial held for my dad a couple weeks ago. My father's brother, Michael, was there, as well as my dad's cousin, Layneigh. It was so good to see them, and one of my best friends did a surprise visit. I would advise anybody who has just had someone pass away - have a memorial! They are very strengthening. After hearing so many people talk about how they loved my dad, I felt so much stronger. Now I am back at school and I feel lonelier. I am having trouble talking to people about it. I feel like I should cry more, I feel like I should be talking to people about it a lot instead of bottling up my emotions. I am one of those people who, when people bottled up their emotions I would think, "That's unhealthy." But I am doing it myself! I am...wandering around, and everything feels strange. Little fun things I used to do with people now seem much more trivial and silly. And my friends, when I came up from my week and 1/2 break from school, they all just seemed to sort of look at me like I was a bomb about to explode...Partly I think it's my fault. Maybe I somehow gave the impression that I don't want to talk about it. The first while, I didn't, and I still don't really. But one friend of mine somehow got through a little. A lot of people have been telling me, "Feel free to talk to me about it. I'm here." But somehow when Connie said it, and additionally talked to me about how she is in a depressed time lately, too, somehow it made me feel like she could relate a little more, and her offer of a listening ear felt more genuine. So I might talk to Connie. I think, I'm opening up a little bit. At the beginning, people would ask me, "How are you?" My answer would be, "I'm okay." What a lie. Then, my answer got a tiny bit more truthful, and I started saying, "I have my ups and downs." And now, my answer is a bit more truthful, and I've been saying to people, "I'm terribly sad..." and then I kind of see their pity and feel awkward and think they probably feel awkward, and I quickly change the subject to, "...and I can't wait till school gets out!" You see, I'm a college student, and I'm trying to prepare for finals, too. It's hard. The truth of it is, I am miserable. I have trouble sleeping, and I cry almost every day. I haven't had tons of huge, sobbing fests (and sortof feel like I should be). And I keep reading and hearing how, this is normal, people deal with it differently...but I still sortof wish I would cry more. I think it would release some of the pain. Crying, and talking to people more, would help me release some of the pain, I think. I want to be more open. Any tips? On anything? This book I read talks about how the daughers relate more to their mothers, blah blah...and yes, I love my mother dearly, but I love my father dearly, too. And sure, I have a father figure in my stepdad, but I am not as close with him. My dad was that special person who was always encouraging to me and always wanted me to pursue my dreams. I am heartbroken and at a loss, feeling like I've lost a friend, a guide, a mentor... Please help me. I feel very lonely.