Lucia Abeytia

Leann i know exactly what you are going threw..i went threw 6yrs of surgeries procrdures ane everything in between with Ben...I was like you he had done everything and i dependent on him so much...When he got sick i had to be the strong one and the tables turned he now dependent on me!!!!!!!!He did'nt talk to anyone but me about what was going on and i always hid my feelings from him. I too spent many a night just laying next to him and crying when he was asleep...so i know what you are going threw...Just take one day at a time and enjoy your time with him and don't let things stress you to much just hold him and love him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1lol lucia

Fred thank you,this helped me realize that i am not on a timetable i can take my time with my grieving again Thank you Lucia

Ben and i had lots of plans too!!!! We were going to grow old together like the rest of you...We went to San Franciso for our 25th annivarsary and planned to go back for our 30th and he got sick 4 days before we were to leave so he kept saying as soon i get better we will go and than our gold was to go for our 35th but thats not going to happen. we celebrated our 33rd in Nov and he died in Feb. now i just exist... i keep thinking he will walk thru the door and than i remember that to is never going to happen..I miss his jokes his smile and most of all his arms holding me...Hopefully some day it won't hurt so much. thanks for listening

I know how difficult it must be for you but we all have to take one day at a time. My mother in law is 86 yrs old and is very ill and everyday i pray to God that i don't get that call she is the only parent i have left..she is not just a mother in law she is my mom and sometimes i feel like she is my only link to Ben left and if she leaves what am i going to do...my i just live one min. at a time..With everyones support i think you and I and everyone else will make it. and maybe some day it will get better for us all

thank you all for your advice.i have talked to my children about the bervement group thru hospice but they never respond i hug my girls alot when i am with them we talk constantly about Ben but sometimes i avoid the subject because it makes them so sad but i will try some of the suggestions and i will let them know about this website because i know i always feel better when i am here it helps me to know that someone is going tru the same things i am and that i am not crazy because there are days that i feel like i am going competely out of my mind

I have been depressed and scared since Ben left,I try not to be but I feel like my world is falling apart..I applied for widows benefits from social sceurity and here i am it is almost June and have not heard anything . My kids and grandkids are all falling apart and i don't know what to do to help them.How can i help them if i can't help myself . 2 of my graddaughters are having so much trouble dealing with there tatas death and there parents can't see that because there grief is so overwhelming too! These 2 girls are 13 and 14 and Ben and i raised them until Ben got so sick they went to live full time with there parents but before that they spent 90 percent of there time with us the 13 was born to teen parents and we did everything that we could to help my son and his wife and part of that was taking care of Anna and than there is Sandra who is 14 and her mother died when Sandra was born my son her father was in the Army at the time and with all the traveling and everything that he did he was having problems with sitters and everything so it started with we had her when she first came out of hospitol because he was dealing with his wife death and was stationed in Okalahoma and now he is in El Paso so Sandra spent most of her time her with us so they were very close to tata he cared for them while i was at work. and i have been trying to spend time with both of them but it hard to do that when one of them lives so far away. They are like 2 little lost puppies and it hurts so much the worst part is i don't know what to do to help them alot of what they are doing is normal teenage stuff and alot isn't I pray every day that God will help me and my family Ben was the glue that kept us going now he is gone and I don't know how to help them and i can't even talk to him about these problems like i use to God i miss him

I'm sorry for your loss i lost my beloved Ben on feb 18th and i still can't sleep sometimes i go 2-3 days without eating i don't get hungry and than there are days that i eat all day....I still cry alot but coming to this board helps me a lot most of the time i just read what other people are feeling and thinking and that helps me because i realize that i am not crazy we're all going thru the same thing just hang in there

I'm back in Phoenix got in yesterday morning spent the day with my daughter in law and granddaughter till my son got off work and than he brought me home...I couldn't sleep last night just sat in the dark and cried...This morning by daugther took me to see the people i used to work with i hadn't seen them since before Ben passed and they were all so sweet but they didn't know what to say i did enjoy myself but i couldn't wait to leave...everytime around alot of people i get panic attacks and i don't know why .....i hope they go away soon ....My son that lives in El Paso called me today and said that The Texas State Legislators or doing a proclimation for Ben in honor of all the work he did for Civil Rights....its such an honor for him if only all this would have been done when he was alive....

I'm still in Savannah Georgia will be leaving in the morning back home to Phoenix, yesterday i had a really good day we went out on the boat and it was alot of fun. I went to bed late and slept for about 2 hrs. than i woke up and started crying i cried for about 2 hrs...and i have felt like crying all day...i fill so depressed to day and i am missing Ben more today than ever it has been 3months 8 days and it is getting harder every day instead of easier...I think of him all day no matter what i do i miss him so much my heart just aches sometimes i wish i could just die so i could be with him...I pray to god this gets better because i fill like i am going crazy.

I'm glad you made it there safe take care of yourself my prayers are with you...

It helps to hear from others that are going thru the same thing maybe i'm not crazy...My daughters father in law took us out to dinner and i did real good i am so happy with myself i didn't have one panic attack, i did get a little anxious for a few min.but amazingly i was fine and i did have a good time

Well i haven't been on because i am in Atlanta for the week visiting my daughter and son in law. He graduated from the Police Acedemy yesterday i was so proud of him,but afried for my daughter because i keep thinking what if something happens to him it is such a dangerous career...I did ok on the trip i cried a little when i left phoenix than i was ok my daughter and i have had a lot of time to talk about her dad and she misses him just as much but she has alot of things to keep her busy she said she wished i would cry so much but she understands...Today we are just sitting around watching tv and talking tomorrow we are going on the boat i hope i can go out without another panic attack...I am so tired of these attacks i keep thinking there has got to be something i can do to stop them but i don't know what...I still try to get out a little so coming to Atlanta was a big deal all the kids at home are so worried....

Thank you all, i am trying to keep busy i have thought of volunteering but everytime i leave the house i panic i don't know why, i feel like a lost child my kids take turns taking me out to dinner or just there house for the day...I pretend that i am ok but they don't know the pain i am feeling...my son-in-law is graduating this Thursday from the police academy in Georgia so i am leaving tonight for Georgia and will be gone for a while but only because thats what they want....I just want to sleep and cry...

Thank you Marty thanks to my son in law i was able to figure it out. and this does help i have been ready some of the entries and i see i am not alone. But i sure do feel like i am alone ...I try to keep my mind off of Ben but everything i do reminds me of him..I try to cook for my grandchildren everyday but when i am cooking that is when I remember him the most....Because he used to love to help me cook and i would tell him to get out of my way...now i miss that i wish he was there especially when i am cooking something he loved to eat

I lost Ben Feb 18 2009, he had HepC got from blood transfusing many years ago.. as a result he got all kinds of other things he was dignosed with cirossis of the liver 6 yrs ago which was a result of the hep C, He just kept getting worse and there was nothing we could do 4yrs ago we were told he had 1 yr at most well he lasted 4 more yrs..the last yr was the worse he was in and out of the hospitol and it was the same thing every time his blood sugar and amonia level were high and than he got better came home and in 1 wk was back. his brain was swelling and sometimes he had no clue where he was...at times he did not recognize my daugther and her children..I thank god that he always recognized me. Hospice told us on feb 2 he had 72 hrs at most but he went 13 agonizing days...I was reliefed at 1st no more pain for him and than it hit me what was i going to do? I worked and cared for him all these yrs now it was just me...Everyone says your so lucky you have your kids,But thats not the same they are grown and have there own familes ...I live with my daughter and her family and that helps a little but when they are at work and school i feel lost . I lost my job because i missed so much wk before his death and than afterwards planning his funeral and having the services . I stay in my room most of the time and just cry My daughter had me go to georia with her after the funeral and that helped but as soon as i got home i was back to being depressed and crying constantly...I feel so lost so alone sometimes i see something on tv and come out to tell Ben to watch and than i realize his not here anymore..nights are worst i can't sleep and i just go outside and take a walk i miss him so much

kay thank you but like i said i' new at this and do not know how to start my own thread i am not good with this computer stuff could you please help me

This is my first time on this site and i know exactly how you feel i lost the love of my life Ben Feb 2009 and this has been the longest 2 months of my life. We were married for 33 yrs and had 8 wonderful children we also hjave grandchildren . Everyone says I'm lucky because i atleast have the Kids...But that is not the same i miss himm everyday and cry most of the time. He was cremated as well But i have a picture of him next to the bed and one in the living room at night i say good night to him and talk to him about my day...I don't know what to do with myself he was my life.