PaulaB.

Hi Cubby, I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom. I'm only three months into my grief after losing my fiance Tom. It was really rough in the beginning and now I seem to be on some kind of plateau. I don't know how long this "plateau" will last. Maybe it's because it's going to take all of my strength to spread his ashes on Saturday. There is no wrong or right way for us to grieve; that I believe with all of my heart. We all have to go through this process and it takes time. But your time line is your own. I'm sure there will be days when it sneaks up on me as it has in the past, but I know that I will be a little bit stronger than before. Maybe not a lot stronger, but a little bit. That's all that matters. You have lost your Mom in the physical sense, but not in the spiritual sense. She will be forever with you that way. Maybe doing something for your Mom might help you? Something she always wanted to do, but didn't. Maybe you could do it for her in her memory and it may provide the strength that you seek from your Mom. One thing that Tom wanted me to do was to be OK. I'm trying; some days are better than others. Paula

Hi, I'm sorry for the loss of your partner. I could be wrong, (it won't be the first time), but it sounds like you are a pretty young person? It sounds like you are angry. I went through some anger too when I lost my Tom and every once in awhile, it sneaks up on me again. I just keep it under control. In a way, you are getting paid for grieving. You are learning about LIFE and you are learning about yourself. You can't buy those things, and it will make you a stronger person in the long run. And it's OK to need support at this time and for how ever long it takes. I had some days that I didn't want to talk to anyone about Tom and then I realized that I had an even bigger emptiness in my life. I needed my friends and I needed both our families. And it didn't make me weak to need those things. Maybe you could help your partner's Mom with requesting the report? You have to remember that her Mom is hurting, too. One thing I do know is that you don't just die from dehydration overnight. There has to be something leading up to it. I am speaking from experience. Tom had esophogheal cancer. His battle was always with food and liquid intake. There was a time in the spring of this year that he just stopped eating and taking in fluids. Sometimes, I wonder if he did it on purpose. I know now that he had discussed suicide with more than one friend because of his condition. He didn't discuss it with me. Many things that you may need or want to figure out. One thing is for sure. It was your partner's time. Paula

Hi Susie, I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. The loss being sudden must be so much more difficult although the end result is the same. We are all grieving. We are all here for the same reason; we have lost someone that we hold dear to out hearts. I thought I would be ready for the loss of my fiance Tom as he battled esophogheal cancer for a year. I thought I would be ready when one doctor told him less than 3 months. I wasn't. I was a "train wreck" when Tom passed 3 months ago and some days I still am. I and our friends are spreading his ashes on October 3rd. For some reason I have always had it my mind that this action will be a bridge for me in order to begin to heal although I know I have some "bandaides" already. Some days they "stick", some days they don't. I think we all do it in our own way, in our own time, there is no right way and there is no wrong way and no one is judging you. You do what you feel is right for you. That may be for the day, that may be for the hour, that may for the next 10 minutes. Whatever works and keep writing, it will help as it has helped me a great deal. Paula

Hi Joanne, I hear and feel your pain. When I lost my fiance Tom three months ago to cancer, I didn't want to believe that he was gone either. I kept thinking he was just going to walk in the room and I would hear his voice and see his smile. I used to read to him every day before he passed so, I just continued to do that. I would sit in my spot on the couch next to "him" and I would read out loud as I had always done. It helped me a lot to get through some of my rough spots. I still talk to him out loud and sometimes silently and I truly believe that he hears me. Your Mom hears you, too. Just talk to her. She may answer you in ways that you may not understand right now, but in time you will. And she will always be with you because she is in your heart and you are in hers. I have a long way to go with my grief for Tom and you are just beginning yours for the loss of your Mom. There are many hills and valleys in grief and everyone here at this site has given me a lot of strength. I hope that you have a good support group either through family, friends, maybe a church, maybe work. Keep writing; it will help you. (((HUGS))) Paula

Hi Carrieboo, I am sorry for both of your losses; you are a very strong person. I hope that I'm as far along as you are in three years time. I think you've accomplished a lot. I want to return to school in January, but right now I don't know if I will have the strength that it takes. I know that I have it in me, but right now those strengths are very quiet or maybe just too tired. Some days I feel as though I don't care about anything, but I keep plugging along. I think you have, too. You'll be an inspiration for me come Januaury.(((HUGS))) Paula

And it feels like 300 years and yesterday all at the same time. To say I am in limbo right now is an understatement. I feel; I don't know what I feel right now. I am kind of on this plateau. I am neither on a hill or in a valley. I am just somewhere today. I picked out the paper for the brochures for Tom's service on October 3rd today. I bought some more ink for my printer. I called a friend to try and figure out how many people would be attending the service in Crown King, AZ. I read some more in "Chicken Soup For The Grieving Soul". I fed my cats and I fed me. And I cry. Some tears are sadness and some are joy for having known someone who wrapped his arms around my soul. Paula

Hi DeeGee, What you want to do to honor your husband is paramount and it comes from your heart. One thing I have noticed with dealing with some of my Tom's affairs is that it is not what I am doing wrong; it's what the "so-called customer service" people are doing wrong. I have been beating my head against the wall with the hospital for over a month for trying to PAY his bill! They won't talk to me because Tom and I weren't married. I fully understand the HIPPA laws, but this is no way to run a business and certainly no way to treat people who are grieving. I owned several businesses in my life and if anyone called me up and said they were going to pay me, I was more than eager to work with them. It's frustrating. I jumped through a lot of hoops last week and I will jump through some more this week. I'm sure there are some good customer service people out there; I just haven't met any of them lately. The Vietnam Wall traveling exhibit was here in Phoenix, AZ this weekend. I went yesterday to view it. It was the second time I had seen it. I went alone and it still has the same effect on me. I don't know anyone who is listed there. My friends came home alive and that was the one war that my family and my ancestors did not fight in. I went to show my respect for all of those who have fought for this country and to support our troops. Hang in there. (((Hugs))) Paula

Mary Linda, You hit the nail on the head for me when you mentioned "blowing a gasket". There have been a lot of days like that for me especially as far as my Tom's family is concerned. It's even worse for you because you don't even have the support of your own family. At least I have that and some very good friends and neighbors. Actions do speak louder than words. I think that this world is full of people that don't understand what that really means. I sent three large packages to Tom's sister. I had an e-mail this morning from her. All it said was I got the three boxes. Thank you. Nothing else. No inquiring as to how I'm doing, nothing about Tom's mother who's in a nursing home and to whom I regularly send cards and short letters, nothing about the upcoming service here. Just nothing. It still shocks me, but there's nothing I can do about it. All I need to be content with is that I am doing the right thing and I will continue to do so. Paula

Dee, The wall is huge. A terminal illness with someone that we hold close to our heart is something most of us have no previous experience in. No matter what we did or didn't do, there is no blame although I know I have some quilt issues, but I did the best that I could and I never left his side. It was a journey of life that we were supposed to do with this other person and I am just beginning to learn now that it taught me a lot about who I am. And I am beginning to continue on the journey in a different way because I am a different person because of it. I got my Tom and I involved in a program called the Wellness Community to discuss his feelings because he didn't want to talk to me. I think it helped him when he was strong enough for awhile to attend. He went through a period of anger that was hurtful and I didn't know how to reach him. It got to the point that I told him that I knew that he couldn't talk to me about his anger and his frustrations. I told him to write a list and to discuss it with his group counseling and that I didn't need to know what what was on the list. I don't know if he ever did. I found the list in his file cabinet after he passed away. No. 1 on the list was being diagnosed with cancer. We both always tried to look at the "hope factor" knowing full well it didn't look good. His family wouldn't even consider anything other the "cure". They sent books, they sent all kinds of advice, but they were never here to drive him to his appointments, hold his head and rub his back after chemo, hook up his feeding tube every night for months on end. They weren't here to change his colonoscopy bag after they removed the feeding tube. I called in Hospice when I couldn't lift Tom anymore. They came to the house for two weeks and then Tom went in house at Hospice for one week until he passed. It was the best thing that I could have done for Tom. I could share our last week together knowing that he was in good hands. Paula

I thank you Kavish and DeeGee for responding to my post. I will continue to do the right thing for Tom through all of my obligations because that is what he wanted me to do for him and that is what I believe to be the right thing to do for me as a person. The "Golden Rule". I hadn't really thought about that people are waiting for someone to move on things and that we are each waiting on each other. And I guess everyone is maybe waiting on me and I am waiting on them. And neither one of us are sure what to do. I have to leave my expectations at the door, that's for sure. And not worry so much and just do what's right. Tom and I weren't married; we were just hoping to be. I am so sorry DeeGee for how John's family treated you and continues to treat you. That is just horrible. That's just really, really bad. And I can't imagine how hurtful it is to you. And you're right, everyone still has their own lives. Nothing has really changed for them. They go back home each and every day and there is their significant other and maybe their children and things are just the same as they always were. For US, it is a chasm that we can't even begin to see the bottom of. Everything we centered our lives around is gone. A friend of ours, said I had been at "ground zero" for 12 months with Tom. That is so true. I was exhausted when the end came. Some days it catches up with me again. Tom passed near the end of June. I am really looking forward to spreading his ashes on October 3rd in a place here in Arizona that he loved dearly. I think that it will allow me to have some closure and I know that I will have fulfilled what Tom wanted and that is paramount. It's "bittersweet". His family wanted his ashes back there in PA or at least part of them and I wouldn't do it. I'm grateful that your family continues to support you as mine does, too. It's a really good feeling when you need it the most. That you are not alone even though you think you are. The really important people in your life will always be there for you in a time of crisis and times of joy. And the rest of them will be gone like the wind. Thank you both. Paula

I never dreamed when I lost my Tom almost 3 months ago that I would also lose all support of his family. Tom and I lived in Arizona and I continue to reside here in Phoenix in Tom's house. We only had two years together. The first year was full of joy and happiness in finding each other in our 50's with plans of marriage and growing old together. The second year was Tom being diagnosed with esohageal cancer and me taking care of him 24/7. His family lives in PA. His family had a service back in PA in July and I attended. It was a beautiful service and I know that it fulfilled a lot of things for them as a family. The service here in Arizona is to spread Tom's ashes in October from a mountaintop in area that he loved. Tom owned a sandrail and we took many wonderful trips together. The service here will be to bring Tom's ashes up the mountain and camp for the night. His family was all invited and some friends were even offering a seat in a rail for the service, although the seats were never guaranteed. When I wrote the family an e-mail stating that now the people who had offered the seats were now backing out and didn't want to give up their seats and that the family should look into rentals to get up the front of the mountain, I got a call from one of the brothers wives who stated very clearly that they had a right to those seats in those rails. Also during that phone call I had mentioned to the wife of the brother that I had found two life insurance policies and that one of them had Tom's mother's name on it who is still alive and in a nursing home. Two days letter, I get a blunt e-mail from the brother of this wife stating that none of the family is coming out for the service here and it's not real clear why and could I please send the insurance policy. I knew full well that there would be nothing in those insurance policies as Tom worked for those companies over 15 years ago and was not paying any premiums into them. "Someone" thought there was". I got an email from his sister demanding that I send it. I wrote her back and said that I couldn't. I am Tom's Personal Representative according to his will and I inherit 100% of the estate. There will barely be enough left to cover the medical bills that are left and the lien against the house. And sure enough I've heard from the insurance companies and there is nothing there. Haven't told the family yet because no matter who I write to, I get nothing back. Zero, Zip, Zilch. I wrote another letter to his sister because she is next in line should anything happen to me. I informed her of the estate account and the attorney that I am working with. Not a word. I sent three boxes last week to his sister. Big boxes. Things of their father's, things of Tom's, things that I thought the family should have. They should have arrived today. I'm very hurt and it doesn't matter who I try to reach out to in that family; the result is the same. The only exception is one brother who lives in CA. Pretty amazing to go from "we'll always be there for you" to we're not talking to you after taking care of their brother. My dad calls me every Tuesday just to see how I'm doing. What a difference in family values. Paula

Thank you Marsha for replying to me. I hope that you can read this reply. There are so many buttons and icons here that I'm not really sure if I pushed the right button. I'm new to this website. There was a very famous person named Jerry Seavers. He was a journalist and I don't remember who he worked for, but he wrote about his journey through cancer and he called it the "Rollar Coaster Ride". I happened upon it when Tom was first diagnosed with cancer in August of last year and it really hit home with me. I was looking for anything to prepare the both of us. To give us some answers. It did offer me some insight, but Tom refused to read it. I don't what I would have done if I had been in his shoes and I guess that none of us do until we have to cross that bridge. I'm very sorry for the loss of your husband. I don't know if a quick death from cancer is better than a long one. It all hurts the same in the end. I prayed the last couple of months for God to take Tom and end his suffering. Esophogeal cancer. Myself and my daughter and our friends out here are spreading Tom's ashes in a beautiful canyon in about three weeks. That's where Tom wanted to be. His family in Pennsylvania had a service out there in July. They flew me out and I attended. Tom has one brother in LA. None of the family is coming out for the service here and they won't even talk to me right now except for his brother in LA. He's not coming out, but at least he's talking to me. That hurts a lot. And there's nothing I can do to change it. Like I don't have enough abandonment issues right now! That's some of my anger coming out. Paula

I always considered myself to be a pretty steady, stable person. The death of my fiance Tom has left me shattered and broken in pieces. Tom passed away in June of this year after battling cancer for over a year. We only had two years together. We are both over 50, a milestone in itself. Some of my emotions through these times of turmoil have made me confused, angry, guilty, sad beyond belief that no one will ever understand and the list goes on and on. Each day is hard. Some days are better than others. Some days really suck! I know that it will get better with time at least that's what I've always been told. I think this is the first real loss that I have experienced in my whole life and that is why it is hitting me so hard. My parents are still alive and they are in their 80's. My siblings are still alive. I have one brother and one sister. I have two children from a previous marriage and they are still alive. Their father committed suicide. But his death did not affect me the way Tom's did. I was sad and I grieved for a very long time, but it didn't break my heart. The father of my children was not a very nice person and my children are still paying for some of his decisions in his life. And I guess, I am too. Life is so hard and most of the time it really doesn't make any sense. We just have to get through it and try to keep a smile on our face. Don't ask "why?". Pick up the pieces and move forward into the unknown. Paula

Hi Walt. I'm PaulaB. I signed up here today. You are truly blessed to have had so many years with your soul mate. I had two years with my Tom. The first year was full of happiness and smiles. The second year was a long hard journey through cancer. Tom passed away in June of this year. There's a big hole that no one will ever be able to fill in the same way. No one will ever be able to take away our heartache and pain right now. But maybe with time this will come to pass. I'm counting on that or at least I want to believe in it for now. I think it will get me through spreading his ashes in Crown King, AZ in October. We live in Phoenix. Tom had a sand rail. It's still in the garage. All of us "railers" are driving up a very big mountain and camping overnight to do it. We can "cross the bridge" for now. That's where Tom wants his ashes to be. I can't think of a more beautiful place. I would give anything to just be able to talk to Tom, to feel his hand on mine, to feel mine on his. I miss him so much. and I only had two years with him. I can't possibly imagine how you feel. Paula