JohnG

Ted, I completely understand your apprehension. I had a very hard time the first time I visited Krystal's grave but while there a tremendous sense of peace came over me and my tears were actually because of the fond memories I had of her. There was an image of her favorite friend, a stuffed clown that she cherished and slept with ( she couldn't bare to call them stuffed, she liked "friends" better)engraved on her marker that brought back the wonderful story of how I gave it to her 18 years ago. So though it was sad I came away from there feeling a great peace. She is buried back in West Virginia so I am so thankful I had that opportunity.

Hi DeeGee: I'm sorry for what you're going through, especially today.I also find that sometimes my thoughts are nothing but disbelief that this person who was always there is dead.It can leave you catatonic sometimes. I wonder the same thing. Do they think I'm EVER going to be over this?! Much less a few months later. I get the sense that people would rather me not talk about Krystal. It seems to make them uncomfortable, and the display of tears completely shuts most of them down. They can't get away or change the conversation quickly enough. The thing is a touch would go a long way in easing my pain and helping to staunch the tears. The "they don't know what to say" answer elicits the reply "they don't have to say anything, just a touch of the hand would help".I cry alone most of the time because I find I'm apologizing if I weep around others. I don't understand either why people don't get it. The crying helps. A little acknowledgement of the continuing grief from others is very healing. Take care, Peace and Love, John

Tomorrow, December 30th would have been my 20th wedding anniversary.Does anybody have any help with getting through this day? I'm dreading it and would honestly like to crawl into a hole and not be bothered by anyone or anything, but I know that this isn't healthy for me or even fair to my family and friends who really do want to help me through this hard time. I just want to get through it without being knocked back down for too long.

I'm still here, just dealing with a heaviness that I can't even begin to explain or describe. The only thing that feels right this season is the desire to want to go somewhere anonymously, to just drive and keep moving. I feel alone so I want to be alone. Peace and Love to all of you.

Yes, that's exactly how I'm feeling. Nothing in the greeting card aisle seems to apply to me and when I do see something all of the memories and loss come flooding back. I wonder, "what happened?", "how and why did I end up here?", "how is this fair?" always ending in the same response. Nothing. Just staring out in incomprehension. I have spent more time wandering down aisles in stores looking at items I have no interest in just so people don't see that I'm using every ounce of energy I have to hold back the tears.

Well, my least favorite time of the week is here again. Sixty four hours of trying to fill the void. The week is hard but manageable. I'm up early getting through all of the things K used to do for me, work fills most of my day, thankfully, and a few hours in the evening can be dealt with some success but once Thursday arrives and I'm being told of my friends and families plans, my mood starts to sink. Friday night comes and what? Dinner out alone? No thank you. Sitting around the house alone? Not much better but at least I don't have to see others enjoyment of what I've lost. Grocery shopping is miserable. What I enjoyed as a twenty one year old bachelor I can not bare to do alone at forty five. Waking up on Saturday and Sunday to a whole day of trying to get through with no real schedule. Saturday night is Friday night squared. And Sunday and Sunday evening are spent preparing for another week in this misery. I'm just having a much needed moan to folks who aren't going to psycho-analyze and try to "fix" my situation. You know there isn't a magic technique that will miraculously change me instantly. Thanks for your support and the outlet Love to you all, John

I think it's fine that you don't feel like sending out Christmas cards this year. I won't be sending any out and it looks like most of the people in our situation aren't either.I personally don't feel like celebrating Christmas or anything for that matter. It's hard enough watching everyone else in the holiday cheer, I'm not going to force myself to do something I really don't want to do. Give yourself the break, celebrate or not, just do whatever it takes to help ease the pain in your heart and soul. Peace and Love, John

Dear fredzgirl, I'm so sorry for your loss. You both were obviously very close and I completely understand what you are feeling. I too don't sleep, I get maybe 3 hours of fitful rest laying in our bed avoiding facing or even glancing to my right so I'm not reminded of Krystal's absence.When I can't sleep I spend countless hours every night staring at a computer screen through tears wanting to cry out to everybody. And guilt is something that haunts me constantly. The last day of Krystal's life I called early from work to remind her of something insignificant and that was the last time I spoke to her. I called and texted throughout the morning but received no reply. I sensed something was wrong but I figured I'd sort it out when I got home. Devastatingly, she was gone by the time I got there. I'll always regret not going home that morning.That feeling lessens a tiny, tiny bit every day but just as I feel that I'm better I'm slammed back down and it seems harder and harder to get back up. But we do and we will continue to get back up. What else can we do? With each others help, care and support here we will all slowly heal, if heal is the word. Get some rest as you can and feel free to email in the small hours, I'm usually up. Peace and Love, John

Dear jrm, I'm glad you are seeking grief counseling. God knows how much worse I would be without it. Having a professional who allows you to explore and helps you to navigate all of the avenues and alleys of this journey is a tremendous help. I encourage anyone going through this terrible experience to seek out a grief counselor, it's one more person to be there for you when you need it most.

Kstrongmind.bmp Only my family and close friends know this but I really need to share my story with others in my situation of having lost their best friend and partner I met Krystal when she was 20 and just out of college and I was 24 and had been working a couple of years already. We met at work fell in love and were married a year and a half later.We were inseperable our entire lives. We never went anywhere without the other. We may have spent a total of 5 days apart in nineteen and a half years.I was a musician she became a musician, I joined bands, she joined the same bands, she became a vegetarian, I became a vegetarian, she decided to go vegan and I supported her no matter what so I became a vegan. We worked together side by side for over 10 years. We moved a business together.I moved across the country because she wanted to and I loved her.We were in the hospital in the early morning hours together supporting brothers and sisters through the births of 4 nephews. We visited ailing grandparents on our lunch hours together. I had to go to work at 4am and she would get up with me and fix my lunch every day while I showered and dressed. We did everything together. She'd been having a hard time in her job lately, doing what else, helping people with failing health, fitting mastectomy patients with prostheses and generally caring for them in a difficult period of their lives. Then downsizing hit her and she felt she was no longer useful. Depression set in but she hid it from us all. Her parents and I did not have a clue she was so sad. I came home early for lunch on July 14,2009, the day after my 45th birthday, to surprise her and I found my beloved Krystal had taken every pill in the house, lay down and then shot herself through the heart. I believe she did this because whenever she felt particularly hurt she would say it "hurt her heart" and I feel she felt her heart was hurting so badly that she wanted it to stop. She was only 41 years old. The loss of someone who had literally been beside me constantly has left me wandering around in a daze so lonely and lost.I'm trying to get through but the pain sometimes seems insurmountable. I miss her.

Ellen, I'm new to this site as well but I've found that it's the perfect place to say whatever is in your grief stricken mind. Ramble as much and as often as you need to because I've found in just a few days that the response of caring, compassionate people on this site is phenomeal and very healing. Peace and Love, John

Thank you all for your compassion. Your responses actually allowed me to sleep a little more peacefully last night.

Hi All The holidays are very hard. I find myself numbly moving through it.The closer Christmas gets the more uneasy and melancholy I become. I'm trying not to but the solitude now is unbearable. I'm glad to have found others who are understanding and compassionate here. Being able to talk to you all is the first bit of joy I've had this season.

Are we all having these horrendous bouts of desolation or is it just me. I'm waking up in the middle of the night needing to cry out to anybody about how lost I am. There are overwhelming episodes of despair no matter where I am or what I'm doing. Words of comfort seem meaningless and all I hear is the silence around me and ahead of me.I know I have a future ahead of me but right now it seems like a very intermittent flicker of light above from the bottom of a deep, dark well that I have to climb out of alone. I'm sorry for being so depressing but I just don't know how to capture that internal sense of moving ahead. My friends and family tell me I'm progressing but I don't know if that's just a way of difusing an uncomfortable situation the only way they know how or if it's true and I am getting better.I'm told to focus on good things in the future but I can barely make it through the night. Maybe I expect too much, too soon but I am in agony here alone.

laurieb, I feel exactly the same way. My constant companion for over nineteen years was ripped from my life and I am just so lonely. I have dear friends and family but it's not the same as having the person you love there talking to you, laughing with you and loving you. Life just seems so desolate.I now spend so much time by myself and I hate it. Everything and everybody reminds me of the loss in my life. I'm angry, resentful and jealous anytime I see someone with what I no longer have, I'm inconsolable when I hear friends talk about their plans with their spouses. I'm constantly told that the pain will dull and it will take time but these are just such empty words from people with somebody! Right now, in the middle of the night when the fear overwhelms me out of the little sleep that I do get, the concept of "it taking time" does not help. My life consists of keeping busy constantly so I don't drown in lonliness. I'm tired and I want to rest.