Sharon3

For me the new year meant I would have to say "my husband died last year" and already people seem to think I should be further along in my journey. I think that is why I didn't want to let go of 2009....but now that it has passed I really don't care and I am learning to have lower expectations of the majority of people around me and be more grateful for the ones I can count on regardless of what year or month or moment it is.

I truly believe, as I am sure many of you do, that there are many lessons to be learned through such grief as there is through every major event in our life and some of the small ones too. I know when our son got married 2 years ago, I said, "I will be such a better guest when invited to weddings"...because then I knew the anguish that many go through making sure they include everyone they care about to share in such a special day that I never considered before. My son and I attending a funeral yesterday for a friend who was 61. My son was very good friends with her daughter. I was sure to write personal comments in the card because, quite frankly the obligatory cards with just a signature that I received when my husband passed away were useless to me, while the others made me realize how special my husband was to so many people. It is so sad attending funerals, but especially yesterday, when it was too much for my son to endure. I think it was the only time in this grieving process that I was able to help him and actually see how vulnerable he is and how sad he is without his Dad...it was another yet another lesson. There is probably a book in all of us!!

within a week after my husband's death I got my hair cut by a relatively new hairdresser..she asked me how our holiday had been, I said fine. I was protecting my own feelings...I didn't want to tell her that he passed away while on that vacation. Now I don't care who sees me cry but in the beginning when it is so so raw we go into self protective mode and while not knowing your son, I saw my own son in self preservation mode. I think it normal for our sons to think they have to be strong for their mothers. ...that has since changed to some degree.

Thanks Kath I appreciate your comments and look forward to that day.

Thanks Babs.....I was telling a friend on the phone today that I don't recall a day that I have woken up that my first thought has not been of the nightmare of my husband passing away in bed, on vacation in Mexico, at 1:00 in the morning....I believe there is always some guilt associated with death but I think maybe if we had been at home this wouldn't of happened, maybe maybe maybe....so I understand your guilt as well but I guess we have to believe it was God's plan. I am not anywhere near memories bringing me peace, or looking at pictures and remembering the good times, I am locked in the tragedy and can't get out. As my counsellor describes it...we move in and out of the grieving stages, there is no process so it is hard to identify any progress...one foot in front of the other. I wish people could see what we need ....it is so exhausting and takes so much energy to be around these people who think if they don't talk about it, it will all be ok. I am going to try and find one thing every day to be grateful for.....today I am grateful for this forum.

I totally get it Linda.....this week is worse, like you say we were distracted by the busy stuff of the holiday and now we are alone with our thoughts again. This mother-in-law thing has to change. You have to be up front with her without damaging the relationship if that is possible. I know after my husband passed away, my sister-in law came over with pictures. I had to tell her to put the pictures away ....she loves to look at them and I can't bear it even today. We all grief differently and you have to do what is right for you. I know some people find comfort in the home they shared...I couldn't get out of mine fast enough.....I put our house up for sale 4 months after my husband passed away and it was right for me...I felt like a caged animal ...every corner every minute, every day mountains of grief in our house. I am not as anxious now tht I have moved. I also experience people who act like nothing happened to me or act like I should be over it.....I actually got Christmas cards from people wishing me a Merry Xmas with no mention of my first xmas without my husband. I see a grief counsellor, but not often enough...she is very busy so I only see her once every 3 weeks but she has helped me so much. I also have a wonderful son who cares and listens....but unless you have lost your spouse it is hard to relate to the island you speak of. I have tried very hard to make a new path but it is exhausting because I am still overcome with my loss. I just found this forum and am finding some comfort in sharing experiences.....it is less of the island you speak of when you can share your grief with people who have shared the same loss .............

good message and toast for us tonight .......while I have lots of wishes for us I also wish that our spouses know how much we loved them and miss them and what they meant to so many people. My husband died suddenly in his sleep from a massive heart attack and there were no goodbyes and I struggle with that.

yeh but the process is long and exhausting and sucks....but try to get through the night with minimal pain.

I too am on my own tonight. We spent the last 10 years on New Years by going out with the same friends for Chinese food, then to a movie then back to our house for midnight toast. I am trying to pretend it is just another night and I have no intention of being awake at midnight. The friends we spent all those special nights with haven't even called since days before Xmax, nevermind ask me to join them in our traditional New Year's...so I use the word friends loosely. I doubt I would have gone but it would have been nice to be asked. My family are all busy doing their thing and my son is out of town for New Years...he sent me a text today to tell me to drive out and spend the night with them but I told him I would be okay so that is what I will be for him "okay". Crying is okay, tears are badges of love.

I KNOW YOUR ANXIETY....New Year's Eve is like a "couples night". I will be spending it alone for, I am sure, the first time in my life. I will light a candle and try to find peace but I feel I am not even close to that yet. We did the same thing for 12 years or so on New Year's Eve with friends. One of the couples has left for Mexico, who have been supportive. ..... the other couple called before Xmas and I haven't heard from them since and the other couple, I am meeting my girlfriend for coffee this morning...I guess that is supposed to be a replacement. I think I would still choose to be on my own tonight but so hurt the lack of understanding from people. Hope there are some of you on line tonight but for those that have plans I hope the New year is everything you want it to be. For me I can't believe I will have to say tomorrow "my husband died last year"....it will seem to far away and yet to me it is like yesterday.

I was starting to get anxious this morning about New Year's Eve..and how will I get through yet another special day and asked myself where did my strength go. I picked up my datebook later and in it was this quote that I wanted to share with all of you "Your inner strength is revealed by your gentle nature and tender heart". It was not a coincidence...it was there to teach me another lesson....I hope you all manage your way through the end of the year and into 2010.

I know how you all feel....about 3 weeks before Xmas I was having a really bad day and I went to Home Sense to distract me. As soon as I walked into the store I bumped into my sister amidst all the Xmas decorations. I told her through tears that I was having a bad day and she said "well you might as well resign yourself right now it is going to be a difficult day." They don't get that not only is the day difficult but the path to it, the triggers everywhere. I spend a lot of time with her and she just doesn;t get what I need.

I am thankful I found this site....because you can feel like what you are experiencing is only happening to you. The friend and family thing has been one of my biggest disappointments..I will try harder to focus on what I do have..a few good friends that guide me through this horror. I have a son who will listen to me anytime but I don't always want to because I know he worries about me. I have two good friends that don't live here but we have visited and talk on the phone often and I have two good friends here that always want to know how I am doing....and are there for me. I have sold m y house and moved into a condo and I believe God has sent me a friend here who has been wonderful. I find it is a trust issue as well....I ask myself who do I trust with my feelings....and it is guided by what has always served me well ...my intuition. I hope 2010 brings us all some peace and a better way to move forward.

I have learnt so many lessons through the loss of my husband. I have learnt what you have....the length of friendship does not mean that they care more or know how to support you more. Some of my friends have exceeded any expectation I could have had and some have so disappointed me in their ability to read what I need in some pretty dark days. Therefore I gravitate to those that can read my feelings or who I trust my feelings with. While many were there for me in the first month as time goes by so do they. Some people don't know how to establish a new reltionship with you when you are no longer "a couple". Xmas Eve was a tough day to get through regardless of who I shared it with as I am sure it was for you. One foot in front of the other.............

this is my first time on this site...my family just left and they all offered options for me to continue on visiting tonight but just can't face it to be around happy people. I will at some point leave my place and head to my sons. I was reading "Resilience" by Elizabeth Edwards and she talked about support groups on line and so here I am. I lost my husband 10 months to the day today and the journey to the event of Xmas is more that I thought I could take, at times and yet what choice do we have...Sharon