Sharon3

Thanks for all your comments I apreciate the srength you all give me to believe that the world is the same for all of us...it is just that some days some comments send you into a hole that has the potential to gobble you up.

I was just talking to a close friend who was excellent in the beginning. I was telling her how my Mother is not well and how it is stressful and emotional for me because I am still emotionally fragile. She said to me..people always ask me how you are doing and I tell them "that if someone had told me before that Sharon would be so emotional and weak I would have said they were nuts". I was taken totally off guard because people don't understand that you can be a strong confident woman when you have your husband to go home to and know that you are loved. I told her that I am still a strong woman but it will take time to get over the shock of my life and learn to live without the love of my life. But now I don't know if I believe her or I believe me....I just wish people would ask how they can help me rather than judge me.

Believe it to be true Korina. "As you Believe it so it becomes".............I have this anonymus quote hanging in my house.

My counsellor has helped me tremendously see the progress I have made, she has made suggesions as to handle certain people I cannot avoid and she has told me that my intuition as to who I trust my feelings with is good. You need to trust the person you are sharing your feelings with. I watched Oprah today and there was a segment on grief. There was one statement that held with me....you have to heal from the soul out....not from the outside into the soul..........so we do bear our soul when we are grieving and it is the right thing to do....I worried at first as you do how my expression of grief would sadden other people. My counsellor actually told me that it is a good thing to do because it allows others to be vulnerable as well. If we pretend then how do they express their grief. If we show our vulnerability, it allows them to show theirs, which they need to do as well. ( I am referring obviously to family and close friends who are also grieving the loss of our spouse). It has freed me. Of course there are still those insensitive people out there but they have to go their way and I have to go mine.

Hi Bren and welcome to this site. You describe it exactly as I would. It has been 10 months for me since my husband passed away and I had and still do to some extent have the same feelings as you. Everyone who offered love and support in the early weeks and months went on with their life. I still cannot bear to attend a happy event because I can't be happy in large groups. I, like you have days where I cab't function and don't know where it came from and I let it be what it is. To me it is a release of built up stress and tension and loss that I need to express. I see a grief counsellor about once every 3 weeks and she has been a big help as has this site because there is comfort in knowing you are not going crazy. I have learnt many lessons but one of the biggest is that everyone grieves a little differently. I too don't know what my life path looks like anymore and that is scary, I just know that I want to come to the point where I have a path rather than living moment to moment and trying to fill my days. We all need time..don't beat yourself up, tears are your badge of love.

Rochel There is no easy way for any process we have to deal with as you well know but I hope heading home is the right thing for you to do now to move forward. I wish you the best as you venture home. There seem to be a lot from Arizona on this site. It is far away from me but I will be heading there soon to visit a friend who has been one of my closest friends and supporters through my grief. She is very spiritual and I know when I come home I will add some new perspectives to my life.

Hi Babs...I am sure my husband is proud of me now as he always was. I keep doing things to make sure he is never forgotten. I found some free software on line....The first step for the book was creating a folder in my pictures and moving and scanning pictures into it which I wanted to be in the book. I then grouped the pictures by page and drafted some text. When I started working with the software...you get to pick the background paper, move your pictures onto the site, decide how your pictures will be arranged, you can add a page of text or just a box of text. You can keep going back and editing. I worked on it for about 6 weeks...and finally had to submit it to be printed. (Keep in mind it was for our granddaughter but much of it could be worked into father and son) The first page was titled "how your story begins" and I had a picture of me and my husband and a picture of my husband and our son when he was about one. From there I had a picture of my son and daughter in las when they got engaged, a wedding picture of the four of us and then a picture of our precious granddaughter. I titled it Love, Marriage and our Precious M. and so it went.I did 30 pages. The last two pages were about what my husband liked from what his favourite foods were, what he liked to do, where he liked to travel, how much he loved us etc. and it also included the last two pictures taken of him when we were on vacation just hours before he passed away. If I can be of any further help please do not hesitate to contact me....you can email me and I can give you a call if you like. I hired someone to do the quilt..I picked out his favourite clothes...she backed it with flannel and trimmed it with his ties. There are t shirts, polo shirts, even a piece of his housecoat....we treasure it. I gave it to my son but we plan on taking it with us to the lake this summer to cuddle up with. For Father's Dau I gave my son a card and a framed picture which was the last picture taken of just him and his Dad.... Like I said I am running out of projects but I am sure I will come up with something as it brings me peace and tears. Thanks for your comments - you are always so thoughtful, a characteristic I am sure your husband saw daily...Sharon

Babs..I know how you feel....I created a book and had it printed for my granddaughter for Xmas . She is only 18 months old but one day she will know how much her Grandpa loved her. She was only 8 months old when my husband passed away and she was the light of his life. So I took every picture of them and some others when he was young, the last picture of him, etc. and told her a story of her Grandpa and how much he loved her. I presented it to my son on Xmas Eve. He loved it and I loved making it. I couldn't bare to get rid of his clothes so I kept some and I got someone to make a quilt out of his clothes. I am now wondering what my next project will be to keep him alive.

Babs..I appreciate your reply..thanks for that..

Your friend should have kept her mouth shut...the thought of it coming back in I think is remote..don't let that spook you

I seem to be needy and busy on this site today...but I just came across a quote I had posted by my computer in my house (I haven't totally unpacked everything and have once again put it where I can see it every day)and because it helped me I thought it might be useful to someone else. "lIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS, IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN". I totally related this quote to the never ending loss in my life and about making the effort to learn to be happy, joyful, purposeful and grateful, for the life I now have, while being heartbroken.

I was thinking about this again and wanted to add what I have said when people start comparing their loss of a parent with me. I say I have lost a parent who I loved very much and miss every day.....then I add very aggressively "NO COMPARISON". It does shut them up...because I have experienced different losses. While I am willing to listen to them about their loss I don't want it compared to the loss of a spouse. I know someone whose husband passed away suddenly like mine, and someone actually talked to them about grieving because they had lost their pet....she isn't over that comment yet and her husband passed away 11 years ago.

It is so true. First I have a dream that my husband says "don't throw out my bike"...then weeks later my son (in his dream) goes bike riding with his Dad. (My son and his family had just moved into a new house and he was missing his Dad's opinion. My husband was a carpenter and had done a lot of remodelling in my son's previous home and he really wanted his blessing on this house.) In the dream they drove around the town and talked about his new house......too many coincidences there to dismiss...but it wasn't until I read your post Babs and put it together that it really made sense to me....

I never thought in a million years I would be saying this but Condo living is fabulous. I sold my house and moved out 6 months after my husband passed away. I have met some new friends...it's like a community unto itself and I don't need to fix anything. The one I bought is brand new, open concept, lots of square feet, gym, pool..............I would have totally freaked over the bat or any rodent.

OMG that was awesome...........thanks for sharing ...If only it could happen, one last phone call. I dreamt last night my husband sent me a long letter with pictures, but I couldn't remember what it said this morning. I have also dreamt tht he called me when I moved and said "stop throwing all my stuff out and make sure you keep my bike"....but I have never seen his face in my dreams. My son has dreamt about him although rarely but it was like a visit...in fact they took a bike ride together.....he said it was awesome.

For me it is learning to live differently, finding my way down a different path than I had ever imagined and making extreme effort to find a life I can live without the man I have been with since I was 16, which is over 40 years and not long enough. I am never letting go of him I am keeping him with me forever, but I am tryng to face the reality of life without him.

I love that...I have all of my husband's ashes ....we are going to bury them under a tree at the cottage we were building. We are hoping to do that this summer. But I love the idea of holding a few back...I will have to look into that....thanks for sharing.

To me you can associate it with "flight or fight"....I almost always choose flight...you need to do what is necessary for you to protect yourself. I wish I was the kind of person that could deal with and accept and live with the horror of death or other heartwrenching events but I can't and never have and though I beat myself up over the circumstances of my husbands death I can't change the circumstances and I can't change who I am.....do what is right for you and with what you can live with.

OMG Marsha....when I was going through my husband's things I found about 20 of everything....every size hinge you could imagine. My husband was a carpenter and rather than look for what he needed he would just go and buy another.just like your husband....(I found lots of caulking too).............Sometimes when I was going through this process it was horrific but sometimes I had to laugh. I found a Xmas gift he bought for me last year and misplaced and bought another (a bottle of perfume). I saved the one I found until this Xmas and opened it then ...it was getting a gift from him this Xmas. Alden...this morning my Mother fell, we had to get the firetrucks to get into her house and then an ambulance....just got home and fortunately she did not break anything....but my coping skills are nil....trouble is you don't really know the level to which you can cope with a situation until you are in it.............grief obviously affects every part of our being and our ability to put things into perspective...at least for me. Many times I need someone else to show me the way.

I totally get it.....I sold my house and bought a brand new condo which has been wonderful even though the path to it was pure horror going through everything and selling when you are on your own. I had to rely on my son and friends a lot during that time and that was never my style but the lesson I learned is that when people ask how they can help, allow them to because they feel useful and purposeful and want to help. My husband was a carpenter and an even better cook so I miss his wonderful meals. Just today I walked past the pasta isle in the store and it brought tears to my eyes. My husband was Italian and we had his home made sauce all the time. There are triggers everywhere but especially when it is something you always counted on them to do. Hang in there

Good luck to you tomorrow Debbie.....you are a courageous woman. Let us know how you make out.

sounds like my day was better than yours.....went to see the torch running through my City.....phoned someone who was referred to me because she just moved into my condo and lost her husband in August............I try everyday to be "normal" but no matter what I miss my husband and don't know how to really live without him. Love your posts ...I can totally relate. My best one was when I phoned to cancel one of my husband's cards after he passed away and the idiot on the other end of the phone who was acting like a robot said "I can't take instructions from you due to he privacy act can you put your husband on the phone"....................OMG it took me months to phone back and take care of it.

My Friend sent me this today through email and I wanted to shae it with you. It is generic in nature but lots in it to take. Realize what you have accomplished in the horror of your life and be kind to yourself. Enjoy "Come on in and stop for a second to shake your head, dust yourself off, and look back at how far you've come. Sure it's been a long year. Some crushing lows slapped you and smacked you around. There were times your heart dipped and you squinted back tears while your stomach squeezed so tightly you couldn't sleep. There were moments you walked around in a glossy eyeball daze - when loved ones hurt, friends didn't stay, or someone dear to your heart slowly drifted away. Sleepless nights, stressful nights, with teething babies, slurring customers, bad bosses, bickering boyfriends or blank computer screens. You were feeling and you were dealing and you were reeling and you were healing. But as you walked your hard path down your long and bumpy road some little drops of confidence dripped like coffee into your head and into your heart. As you stumbled and got back up a quiet inner strength slowly seeped into your bones. And as you climbed over obstacles set in your way some relaxed satisfaction and growing self-awareness glimmered like bright lights at the bottom of your stomach. Yes, this year changed you in so many ways you don't even feel or notice yet. As you struggled you empathized, as you slipped you understood, as you worked you earned, as you looked you learned, as you dared you grew and as you jumped you flew. Your dreams are still focusing and your passion is growing. Your energy is still bubbling as your story keeps going. You've been through so muich and gained a year's supply of experience along the way. You're stronger than you were last year and stronger than you realize. Sure, there were times you bent, but you definitely didn't break. There were times you caved, but you definitely didn't flake. Listen up, you ggot bigger, you got better, and you got the scars to prove it. St stop for a second today to smile and look back at everything you've done this year...everything you've seen..everywhere you've been. You've taken more illegal naps and had more blurry eyed late nights, you've danced to more wedding songs and smiled at more beautiful sights. You've seen more scorching sunsets and heard more head-bopping songs. You've trippede a few times, but baby you kept rolling right along. Yes, you've hugged more old friends and kissed some brand new faces. You've cheered more on the sidelines and visited some brand new places. You tasked more meals, you got more deals, and you've sniffed more flowers. And you made it all the way through this year because you're so completely AWESOME."

"OKAY should be my middle name.....that's what I say. If I feel the person asking is really asking from the heart I will open up. If one person asks me how my Xmas was I think I will "spit fire".....but again for the most part I say okay. Welcome Pat...stay tuned in I am sure it will help.

OMG Babs I think this is the first time I have laughed out loud rather than cry on this site..............I wish we could spit fire ....if I could the Fire Department would be pretty busy. It took me a while to learn the lesson...stay close to the people who get it or as a minimum want to get how they can help you and have a heart that understands to the degree that they can that greiving has no timetable. Thanks for your post....Sharon