Sharon3

My husband passed away in a hotel in Puerto Vallarta and I will never go back there , never mind a hospital. Having said that I would not suggest compromising your own health. I would travel another 100 miles just to avoid it. I take a longer way home many times because the funeral home where my husband's service was is on the shorter route. We face our grief every day through triggers we never knew were there. If you feel the trigger you know is there is unbearable why put yourself through it but again I would not compromise your own health and if it is the only option then you have to go but don't go alone. Take a friend for support. That's just how I would deal with it, you will find the answer.

Suzanne I am so sorry for the pain you feel.....I felt it too and still do although not every moment of every day as I did in the beginning. There is nowhere to hide from your grief. The memories and grief I felt in my house made me crazy and so i sold it and cried with everything I touched, everything I packed, everything I gave or threw away, I cried. It was the right decision for me but it is not for everyone..but I know your grief and so does everyone on this site. Just the other day I went to the Bank and bumped into an employee I knew casually. She said to me "you are still young, why don't you join a golf club to meet someone". I couldn't believe it.....how are people so insensitive. I just said to her, that day will never come...I will be sad all of my life for the loss of my husband and I will be but there comes a time Suzanne when you will have some moments, some hours or even some days of happiness. In the meantime hang on.

It has been 14 months for me and I have hit the wall this past week...I don't know why or what the trigger is but it is pretty deep and pretty real. I just read your post Kayc..........It sounded like I posted it. I also was an avid reader, but can't seem to read more than a few pages at a time and am almost ready to give it up. I also cannot look at pictures, especially recent pictures...I also know of others who not only look at the pictures but talk to them.........can't go there. I still feel so lost and want desperately to find what path I am supposed to be on but it is not coming. I feel sad and empty and hope I turn some sort of corner soon.......but keep coming here to find hope and validation because it is difficult to think of how long this sort of pain can last. I feel for you all.

How wonderful is that. I was not given the option to donate because my husband passed away in Mexico...but I can only imagine that it would be a good feeling in the midst of such pain. I am sorry for your loss of your husband Jeff.

Andy I am too very sorry for your loss. My husband died suddenly while we were on vacation from a heart attack 14 months ago and while the raw pain may be gone it is replaced with a different kind of pain. Human nature wants us to compare all the time but I find that a big waste of time. I choose to acknowledge and validate your pain and not compare it to mine and help you if I can by sharing feelings and experiences. What I do like to hear is the feelings of others because sometimes I think I am going crazy and feeling stuck in my grief until I read someones post and I say to myself ...."thank God someone else is experiencing this, maybe I am okay". We were in the middle of building a cottage when my husband passed away and I am trying to pick up the pieces with the help of my son and friends but the ultimate pressure and responsibility is on me. My husband was a carpenter and so I never really got involved in a lot of the process so I am feeling overwhelmed, pressure to keep his vision and purchase materials that I know nothing about. We are all having our daily struggles while trying to manage our way through grief. Stay tuned to this site..it will help....Sharon

Susan..isn't there a song that says "You find out who your friends are"..........how true it is. I am dealing with a so called friend who is ripping me off, not in the same way, and I have my husband's family who I have not heard from since Xmas Eve when they left my house and said they would call. Up until then it had been all me..so I decided to see if they would contact me and no but I know my husband knows I did everything possible over a period of 10 months to keep them in my life... so while our circumstances are different, bottom line is friends and family disappoint us and it is difficult to deal with on top of our grief..so try and look on the other side where friends and family have gathered around to support and love you. What goes around comes around and you can hold your head high..................I too had to deal with my husband's things 4/5 months after he passed away and it tore me apart but it has to be done at some point and when I look back, as difficult as it was, it is done......I have you in my thoughts today..Sharon

Lucia it has been exactly 14 months for me too, to the day as of yesterday and it was one of my worst days. I think realization is starting to set in that this is my life now and I don't like it. I miss my husband so much and I cry for him and I cry for me. I too forget things and I believe it is the grief that has such a hold on me. It was 40 years for us too so we have much in common and are at the same place at the same time. I too have a wonderful son who checks on me every day and cares deeply but he too has his life to live, a family and a stressful job so I know the feeling of being alone.I want to find my new path but don't know how. I have lost my faith but I am hopeful it comes back and I get shown the way. I too went through a lot of changes, I sold my house, moved in with my son for a few months and now I am in a new condo. so much has happened over the year and I know I am in the right place now, although the path was difficult to say the least. I hate that one year mark like everything is supposed to be okay ...as I said to someon..it does mark the worst day of my life but that it is it...nothing else has changed except other people's expectations of how I should be after one year.....I know I have made great strides and I am proud of what I have accomplished but I too am sad and I will think of you today and the bond we share. Take care

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL...We were in the middle of building a cottage and now I am trying to get it finished and organize it and it makes me crazy. My husband was a carpenter and I want to make sure I keep the integrity of his plan but it is difficult. My son is helping me but ultimately I feel alone in these decisions. I actually sold my house and moved into a condo and for me it was the best thing I could have done because I did not want to deal with anything that could break or had to be replaced and I didn't like the memories in every corner of that house. I know it is not for everyone but although the path to the condo was difficult because I had to deal with things I did not want to deal with.....the ultimate place is good for me...now I just have to worry about the cottage. I know these decisions can bring you to your knees. I remember my worst day was 9 months almost to the day after my husband passed away. I couldn't get out of the pain. I called my son and somehow expressing it let some of it go....then I went shopping and tried to distract myself for a while. I do use anti anxiety medication but never during the day so I tried to push through it. Unfortunately you have to feel it and you have to express it............While I don't journal enough.......I know it works ...it is afterall a way of expressing it and getting it out there. Continue to be proud of yourself, it takes extreme strength to push through the pain and allow yourself to show your vulnerability and feelings and to make a new path we didn't want..............I am thinking of you today and the pain you feel. Today is the 14 month anniversary of my husband Johnny's sudden passing.

In the beginning I think I said yes to about 90% of the invites. I thought if I said no they would quit asking and I didn't want to end up alone with nothing to do and with no friends or family for the rest of my life. I can honestly say each and every time I felt like a caged rat looking for a way out. My counsellor told me as well that that was a normal grieving feeling. Unfortunately we have to feel the pain. Large groups of happy people are still not my thing yet before my husband passed away I was the realy social one, loving big events. I really only feel somewhat comfortable in small groups and one on one and I am now listening to my intuition more because I have learned through my early experiences what causes me the most pain and what can actually take me to a different place, if even just for a few hours. There are lots of different ways to keep in touch with people and to participate without actually attending every event....we do need to know ourselves and to be kind to ourselves in whatever form that takes but like the rest of this journey, you need to feel the experience of it to know what is right for you. So I never travel without kleenex and rarely put eyeliner or mascara on my lower lash..just another learning on this path we all take.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. We all gather here to share our loss and have our feelings validated. I know what a broken heart feels like and it feels like it will never mend. But I can say with time you do get to manage it better. There are many lessons learned through the toughest experience of our life. We may all deal with it a little differently but when you loose the love of your life, it feels like life is done for you too but it does get a bit better and you will eventually find things to be grateful for but probably always cry and feel saddness for the life you thought you would live. There is no magic cure or any easy way to get through it. I must say my Grief Counsellor helps me a lot, my son helps me more than I could ever have imagined and this site helps to let you know the craziness of your life in grief is in fact normal reactions. You do need to take care of yourself and try to live from moment to moment because living in the past and looking to the future in the early days is too painful. Take care....Sharon

When they say after the death of your spouse you have to re write your address book, who would have thought it would mean family. My husband's mother passed away 4 months after my husband so he just has 3 siblings left. I have tried to stay in touch and even told his sister how I felt that they didn't really consider us family anymore. She assured me I was wrong. My husband and I always hosted Xmas Eve for both sides of the family. Even though it was difficult this year I went ahead as our tradition had been established. They all came and left well fed their choice of drinks as well as a small gift in hand with promises to call. I asked them to keep in touch .....and I have not heard from them. I decided I had done everything possible and that my husband would agree and once I came to that conclusion I am okay with that. I should probably add that our son did not get his share of my husband's inheritance as he should have when my mother-in-law passed away....another sign. And His sister actually asked for a few things back that had been given to my husband from his Grandmother...............so why beat my head against a brick wall.

I don't get this whole comparison thing and why people even want to make a comparison. I have lost my spouse, the one I loved all my life. I have also lost a parent and a friend whom I loved. Nothing compares and yet people want to say I know what you are going through even though they have experienced the loss of a loved one but never lost their spouse. NOT THE SAME..all deaths are a loss but they are all different and even the death experience is different.. Yes a divorce to some may be the loss of a dream but why do we need to compare it...can't we just have empathy for the pain people feel. When there is a divorce there is pain for yourself. While I feel sorry for myself and my loss I feel pain for the life my husband never got to live. It is true that I don't get to finish the path I thought was made for me but I can still make a path...my husband doesn't get to see his grandchildren grow up, he doesn't get to enjoy his family and friends and everything he was grateful for...this is what causes me pain and that can never be compared to a divorce.

Lainey I am so sorry for your loss and know what you are going through. It will be a fog for some time and difficult to focus on one task because we are in such pain. I too did all the busy work. I dealt with things , packed my house up, sold my house, moved in with my son, them moved again into my condo and now the busyh work is done and I am still left with my thoughts, they travel with you. And yes, like someone said, you have to rewrite your address book because people fall off or you find out who you need to spend your time with but I know it is disappointing and emotional that some people have not met any expectation you might have had from them, yet there are others who have exceeded your expectations....concentrate on them. There is no great advice or I would have taken It. I do have a Grief Counsellor and I do come to this site to find that others are experiencing what I am. I too scrapbooked but have not done it since my Husband passed away. I used to go to the gym everyday and stopped for a long time but am just now trying to go back because I know I have to try to get my life back. It will be a different life and yes lonely but I am going to try to make the best of it even with the pain. It has been 13 months for me and somedays it still seems like yesterday and I cry for him and feel physical anxiety at the prospect of life without him....but I take it day by day. I hope for you that you can learn to live with your loss in a way that is right for you but it is early for you and you need to release the pain ....don't mask it because it helps to feel it.

Suzanne I am extremely sorry for your loss.....what you are experiencing, I experienced. My husband has been gone 13 months and I still cannot look at pictures. I have the help of a Grief counsellor and this site which validates what I am going through.It is the most recent pictures that bring me the most pain. I know the physical pain you experience but as time passes I must say it occurs less often. It has been described to me as anxiety, where you can't breathe and you feel a tightness in your chest and you feel like a caged rat....where crying had no meaning until now because you have never cried like this before. There is no clear process of grieving from my experience, you move in and out of the different stages at different times. I miss my husband as much today as I did 13 months ago but I can control it better now, it does not mean I don't have moments and sometimes days where the pain feels like too much but time has a way of acceptance. My advice to you would be to visit this site often, get the help of a Grief Counsellor or Group,keep busy and surround yourself with people who allow you to talk about how you are feeling and allow you to feel. There is no easy way but try to live in the moment and find some things to be grateful for. You are a strong person, it takes strength to be vulnerable and to express your feelings. I have learned many lessons through my grief and that is one of the most powerful. Take care of yourself.

Korina You are the first person that I have read that can't look at pictures....I was beginning to think I was the only one and I really don't understand it. I too had projects. I made a book for our Granddaughter who was only 8 months old when my husband passed away so I took every picture of them together and a few others and made a book which I treasure and my son treasures. He reads it to my granddaughter all the time. I have had a quilt made out of his clothes....I made a collage for my son of all the pictures of them working together, for his workshop. (my husband was a carpenter and my son learnt a lot from him and does a lot of carpentry, although his career is as a police officer). I too have had many projects but can't look at pictures.....................it has been 13 months and I hope one day I can look at pictures. Suzanne ......thanks for sharing...I am sorry for your loss.

Susie Q your post made me cry...it was really beautiful and said everything I feel. As I have said before my husband died in his sleep while on vacation in Mexico...the sounds of him dying woke me up to the horror of my life. When I knew he was gone I kissed him, told him I loved him and that I was so sorry. I meant that I was sorry his life was over....and I left the room. It took 3 hours for them to come and take him away and I couldn't at the time find the strength to watch his body change in front of me but I have tremendous guilt that I left him there and then I had to leave him in Mexico and come home to be with my family. He came home 4 days later. I took the easy road "flight". there is fight, flight, or freeze and I chose flight. The one thing I hope he knows is how much I loved him and continue to love him. I met him when I was 16 and don't know how to live without him but I am trying. Thanks again for your post it was beautiful and to everyone on here I wish you peace and less pain. Sharon

I am sorry for everyone's loss...everyone's experience of how there loved one went is different, the thing we have in common is the pain of grieving, even though we can griev differently. My husband died suddenly in the night while we were on vacation in Mexico....I too experienced the death unlike anything I had ever seen or known and I still relive those moments (although not as often). I too have triggers of pain when I see tv programs my husband enjoyed or food he loved..the triggers are everywhere but we do learn to cope with them after a while. Stay in touch with this site to help you through..everyone here cares about the well being of others and can validate what you are going through. It is a tough road and I know how you feel. Take care of yourself and try to stay in the moment.

I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS. Susie Q put it best (and always does). It is a time where your emotions are riding right on top of your skin and you feel every disappointment to a high degree. I too felt very alone. I never found this site until Xnas Eve, 10 months after my husband passed away and it has been a great help along with my grief counsellor and my small number of friends who get it. It is so true when people say you have to rewrite your address book when you loose your spouse and in many cases family too. You are numb for a long time. My husband has been gone now for almost 13 months and my sister tells me things that happened last year that I don't remember because I was in such a fog, just moving is how I put it.....Keep busy, feel what you feel and be kind to yourself and be proud of yourself for what you are dealing with.

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband suddenly of a heart attack and while it will be 13 months on Wednesday, the shock and sadness still come. You will find comfort on this site by knowing that others feel as you do and you are not going crazy and things will get better and people will still disappoint you and you will still be grateful for those that continue to support you. The thing about this site and the grief counsellor I see is that your feelings will be validated....feeling it will also release it. Be kind to yourself.

I am sorry for your loss and the loss of everyone on this post......I was at my grief counsellors yesterday and told her it is an every day occurrance sometimes every minute and hour that I think of my husband but I think I am down to crying (on average)once a week..............is that better?? I guess so. In my husband's recent memorium of one year part of it said "You are loved with a love beyond all telling and you are missed with a grief beyond all tears" Because it cannot really be put into words, our grief and the depth of our loss of our loved one...............thanks for sharing I liked it.

The thing about grief is that you can be blindsided by the triggers. I remember going through a grocery store and passing by the things my husband liked and it almost bringing me to my knees and I remember thinking I can't go anywhere without remembering. I still don't wear eyeliner because I cried it off everyday I put it on. Now after 13 months I feel tremendous sadness by the triggers and yes many times I cry but I can function and sometimes I can have a good day, but the evenings are tough. I continue to be hurt by friends and family who don't get it but on the otherside am blessed with those who do. I see a grief counsellor every couple of weeks and share my feelings with her and feel that she helps me tremendously. I never would have believed it but it does get to the point, with help, where you can deal with the tremendous loss of the love of your life. One step in front of the other, breathe and live in the moment.

I want to say up front that I know for sure everyone deals with their grief differently. Everyone told me not to do anything for a year....but I didn't listen. I was the opposite. My house was making me crazy. The memories, the overwhelming responsibility. As well we were in the midst of building our dream cottage and it was half done and I didn't have a clue. Fortunately many friends pitched in and we got the cottage closed in and my son and I will start our plan to finish the inside soon. But I did sell my house. I bought a condo. The condo wasn't finished so I had to move in with my son and his family for two months so I actually moved twice and put my stuff in storage that I was taking. Then I had to take a lot out to our cottage because that was where a lot of it was going. When I look back it is kind of a fog. I had to deal with my husbands things much sooner than I was ready to because I was moving. There is no wrong or right. As awful as it was, I really thought it was the right thing for me. Do what you need to do to.

How wonderful. I too received a gift many months after my husband passed. It was the day after one of the darkest days I had had since his passing.....it was a new friend...I met her in my new building I moved into and I know she was sent to me........keep the faith.

happy birthday to you........I recently experienced my birthday and we all know it is difficult. I also did not hear from my husband's family on that day or the anniversary of his death on the 24th. I actually have not heard from them since they left my place on Xmas Eve with presents in hand. I really thought I was the only one experiencing this. I have spoken to my counsellor about it and she has given me tips along the way and I have tried everything and wasted way too much energy on them. Unfortunately my mother-in-law passed away four months after my husband so there are only 3 sibblings left and they obviously don't consider me or my son and his family part of their family anymore. All I know is I tried very hard and I know my husband would be on my side saying don't worry about it, it's not worth it and you did everything you could to keep the relationship going and that is all I should care about. I feel sad for my son though that his aunt and uncles don't give a rats a.. about family.

My husband loved his Italian music...(some of it was good)...and was stuck in his high school years with his music from the 4 Tops. But the day he died we were sitting at the pool at our hotel and the music was playing and he said oh listen there is my favorite song Al di la................we had his Italian music playing as people came into his service. We remembered him in the middle of the service with Al di la and the people left to Louis Armstrong What a Wonderful World.................I love all music so we didn't quite mesh with our music choices...but we meshed.