Sharon3

Teny....The anniversary of my husband's funeral was one year yesterday....so I truly now know the pain of 12 months and one week. I too met my husband when I was young (16) and loved him from that time until the day he suddenly died (44 years) and beyond. The thing is I think I never really knew was how much and how deeply I loved him and how much I took for granted as time went by. I know, like you, I will be missing him the rest of my life...don't apologize...this is a safe place to express your feelings. I hope I find out what my new path will be but I know I will always feel sadness for his loss and for the life we thought we would have and that there will always be triggers of pain. I too don't know yet how to really live without him. One foot in front of the other...............I wish you joy and happiness again as I do everyone on this post including myself.

I just experienced my birthday without my husband last week. I knew when I got up I didn't want to do anything but that is not the way it turned out. I was grateful that my son and granddaughter came by in the morning with flowers and a tinker bell balloon. I had told my son we would get together the next day, which we did, but he popped by anyway. I just held on to him and cried. My granddaughter (20 months) said "Grandma has a boo boo?" so I pulled myself together. I went out for lunch with friends and my sister which was a complete disaster. Then my neighbour came and dragged me to her place for dinner, which was ok. But it was a terrible day overall. My advice is listen to your intuition and have a plan....even being alone is a plan. All I could do was remember my previous birthday which was only 8 days before my husband's sudden death. So February was a complete disaster for me. Then I didn't take cae of myself and ended up with pneumonia. So whatever you choose to do make sure it is your choice and take care of yourself.

Thanks for saying what I was thinking as I read the posts this morning........

thank you for your responses...........and Marty I loved the candle......we travel the same road and one of the things we look for is validation of our feelings...thank you for validating me when I come to this place.

Today is the first anniversary of my husband's sudden passing and it is has been so difficult, remembering the last day of his life yesterday was almost more than I thought I could bear. I couldn't even go to bed I slept on the couch. The darkness of night is so much worse. Somehow when the sun is out and the tears come it is not as desperate. I have a family that cares and some friends that get it, but in the end, when your spouse is gone, no one can understand unless they have gone through it so that is why I am just expressing my grief today on this site. I continue to learn lessons that I never thought I would have to learn, and while it has been one year and it brings out the horrow and sadness of that day, it really only marks that day, everything will no be ok tomorrow. But what I do hope for is acceptance and less pain in the year to come. I sent a long email to my son last night, detailing the last day of his father, as we were in Puerto Vallarta on holidays. I added a few other things about how much I loved his Dad and how much his Dad loved him . I asked him to feelhis grief because it is important for him to express his tears and pain in order to heal. I received a wonderful email back from him today. I also received an email from a friend who is vacationing in PV and for those who know PV she went to the Lady Guadalupa church today and lite a candle to honour his passing there one year ago. So while people around me care...the loss I feel and the lonliness I feel are so deep it is hard to express. But I wanted to honour him on this site by saying my husband Johnny died a year ago today.

thank you...............

I am happy to hear your day went ok......I have been thinking about the 24th which is the 1st year mark for me and I plan to be by myself. The only alternative would be to spend it with my son and his family but beyond that , like Marty says even if it is to be alone that is the plan. I know I will relive the horror of that day but hope to also honor my husband as well because he deserves it. Other people in my life just don't fully understand the devastation to my life and I only want to share it with people who do. I am also curious who I will hear from but I am hoping to have no expectation around that as I don't want to get disappointed yet again.

She is beautiful and how grateful you must be to have her. I have a 19 month old granddaughter who brings me joy and I am so grateful to have her in my life. I know what you mean about being around large groups of happy people...for me too it makes me sad. I too have felt anger and guilt as the months go by but with the help of my counsellor she helps me find my way through it , acknowledging it but not allowing it to swallow me up. While it is sometimes difficult to find the reasoning or understanding, things happen for a reason and there is a reason you will be finding new employment, while it may seem like a challenge now, try to embrace the change. Good luck

Lucia I hope you have the kind of day that brings you the biggest comfort. If you have any thoughts once you get through the day I would love to hear from you. My husband's pasing will be 1 year next Wednesday and I have nothing planned and don't really know what to do other to acknowledge it. I have run a Memoriam in the paper the next weekend but other than that my only expectation is to be exremely sad.

Thank you for all your words of wisdom and caring.............it all helps....I have come to the conclusion that I can allow myself a day here and there where I need to grieve alone. For the most part, the effort I have put into finding a new path has been good, in that I have made some new friends who enrich my life....but I am going to start listening to my inner voice. I knew I didn't want to go for lunch...I knew I wanted to be alone that day I am trying so hard to find a new life without my husband that I sometimes put myself in positions that I wish I hadn't....that Birthday lunch was one of them and it turned out to be a disaster. My intuition has served me well in the past and I am going to let it serve me well in the future. I still have some hard days ahead of me and I appreciate your posts...thank you.

I too like all of you had difficulty going thru my husband's things. They went from the closet to the basement to the garage to someone who made me a quilt. I kept a few things in tack and have a tote of things. I also dontated some but it is the choice of having a quilt made that brings me the most satisfaction. I also made a book for our granddaughter through an on-line software program............

As I mentioned in an earlier post today is my birthday...in 4 days it will be a year that my husband and I left for Puerto Vallarta and in 8 days it will be the anniversary of his sudden death....This month and this week has almost destroyed me as much as the first weeks and months did. Today my sister and a friend asked me out to lunch for my Birthday. Half way through lunch my so called friend asked "Has Johnny been gone 1 year or 2". She may as well have cut off my legs. I could understand if it was a question about 10 or 11 years but the 1st anniversary...how does somebody not know that and how do they ask that like they are talking about the weather....it brings me such pain that I can't stop crying about it and I don't even know how I can resume any kind of relationship with this person. The unintentional cruelty of people is sometimes beyond belief.

Hi Lucia.....I am sorry for your loss and so sorry your daughter can't be with you. Today is my birthday and in 8 days it will be the 1 year anniversary of my husband's death. I too am so upset as the day draws near so I understand your pain. My Granddaughter is only 20 months but she picked out a Tinker Bell balloon to give me when my son went to get me flowers today. I remember my birthday last year and what my husband gave me and how I made a comment about him not wrapping it................crying is so exhausting but it is all I can do...I am with you as your day draws near and I will pray your daughter gets home to be with you.

Thanks Valley....you sharing the load tonight allows me to have a grateful moment.

It is such a personal thing ...sometimes we have to deal with it, we have no choice. I had a quilt made with my husband's favorite clothes, gave my son his shoes and see his slippers by the door in my son's house. I also so gave my son his jackets and gave the rest to charity. I kept a couple of hats and one housecoat. I moved so I had to deal with everything. I am happy with the quilt though. Right now it is in a closet...I hope one day soon I can wrap myself up in it and feel peace but it still makes me sad to look at his things. It took me a long time to throw out the medication but I have a tote full of things I wanted to keep that I will look at again one day..but not until the pain subsides somewhat. I would suggest the quilt though I think it is a good keepsake.

It will be the 1 year anniversary of my husband's passing in 13 days valentines in 3 days and my birthday in 5 days ...a terrible month and probably always will be....so i get it...showing who you are is strength...so we need to allow ourselves that

I just finished sending in my husband's memorium to acknowledge his one year passing coming up on February 24th........he too was the love of my life, having met when I was 16we too had one child, and he now is married and has one child and we all miss him so much. We do all stand together in our grief, which is what we need because it is a place where every heart understands.

Kay C thank you for your post it was so awesome how you captured the depth of our loss and why. It made me cry but made me understand even more why I cry.

I too am so very sorry for your loss. February is a very difficult month for me.....First valentimes day, then my birthday, then the one year anniversary of my husband's passing. I was just telling a friend my memories do not bring me joy or peace..in fact i try not to go there it is still too painful. There are moments every day where I think of the horror of my life without my husband. I just returned from a trip, visiting a friend and travelled alone, had to take a 3 hour car ride to the airport then a 3 hour plane ride, handling all the luggage, hoping my car would start after sitting at the airport for 10 days, driving home on icy roads.................but I push myself to go on.....and I would suggest the same for you....if these friends are truly good friends you will enjoy their company and you will cry over your lunch but that is okay...the worst thing you can do is quit living. As difficult as it is, it is what you need to do....because it allows your friends to participate in your grief and try to support you and also gives you moments of enjoyment. That's all I can offer..there is no shortcut but there are things we can choose to do to preserve ourself.

This absolutely happened and continues to happen to me...I would say to myself how can they be so happy around me when my life is like a horror story. \i have learned to protect myself from those people . \i know we can't avoid our family but I choose who to trust with my felings and with my sorrow and I avoid those perople who are so insensitive....I have said from the beginning I have learnt a lot about myself and a lot about other people. There are a lot of insensitive unemotional people walking around mascarading as our friends and then there are sensitive emotionable people who think they will upset us if they talk about our loss...................it is so hard but we all experience it. It is how we choose to deal with it that is different. good luck to you i know your pain with this and also the pain of sudden, unexpected loss.

That also was the song played by Louis Armstrong as our friends and family walked out of my husband's service. I had never heard it at a service before yet here we are all sharing the same song...............hmmmmmmmmmmm

My husband was Italian and his favorite song was (If you get a chance you can hear it on You Tube)......The day he died we were sitting at the poolside bar in our hotel in Puerto Vallarta and it played...he made a point of saying oh there's my favourite song. We sat quietly and listened....so of course we played it at his service as well. I listen to it often in my car and cry every time. I also typed it out and framed it with a rose from his service.

John I know your pain and the despair of what we think the future holds for us. I would urge you to get a good counsellor or grieving group. I have not done the group thing yet but I do have a counsellor tht was referred to me by my Doctor. She is very busy and I don't get to see her more thaqn once every 3 weeks. I wish it was more but I look forward to it because she has been a tremendous help and in times of trouble I hear her voice telling me to feel it and name it. This is something tht most of us need professional help with so if you haven't done it yet I would suggest you do.....It will help.

I seem to find inspiration everywhere some days.....I just picked up a magazine and thought I would share this quote from Theodoe Roosevelt that I just read. "It is not the critic who counts, nor the person who points out how the strong person stumbled or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the person who is actually marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again, who knows great enthusiasm and great devotions." That is us......we are falling down, dusting ourselves off and trying again and again while we get through each day and whatever challenges that brings. We have those who judge us and have false expectations of us.............if they only knew the strength it takes to loose the love of your life and continue living.....

I know exactly what you are talking about...........it is either laugh or cry and I have done both when those sorts of things surface. When I was moving I called Habitat for Humanity to see if they wanted a patio door set and 2 windows we had stored for our cottage we were building but decided against. I described them to them and they said they would send someone out in 3 weeks. So 4 days before I had to leave my house the guy comes to pick up and says we can't take these...not the kind they put in houses. I told him I described them perfectly on the phone and he still said no .....so I cried because now I am moving and what do I do...............through my tears I said my husband had them for our cottage but now they are not being used..........he said "Oh A DIVORCE"....I said no my husband died"....He came over and gave me a big hug and then said I still can't take them I am sorry and left. That happened in August...I managed to get some of my husband's friends to take them to the dump...but I will never forget that day and that hug and the sincerety from a complete stranger, even though he couldn't help me. When I closed the door on that house 6 months after my husband passed away I was like you very proud of myself and all that I had to go through to get there and I used Scarlett O'Hara on many occasions along that path. I hope you continue to acknowledge your accomplishments because they are all huge.