jodo

Good morning Marty, Thank-you for your very nice response!! I understand now ! I should have been able to think all that out in my head, but my head doesn't work the same anymore!! I Thank-you for being here for all of us, and I can tell by the advice you share with others that you're a very smart and caring woman. Have a great Day ! (and Thank-you again!), Jodi

Hi Marty, I had a question, Can you please tell me when someone is new to the site and shares their story - Why it is that you welcome some and not others ? I took it very personal that you never said anything to me (after all you even welcomed someone who had lost their cat!) I know I'm extremely sensitive right now, but it hurt, and others might be hurt the same way ! well, Thank-you, Jodi

Hello Stacey , Welcome to this site, I'm glad you found it! First of all- I'm so sorry about your Mom, I wish there were something I could say, and more than anything I wish I could give you a big hug. I lost my Dad suddenly on Dec.30th, 2009 , I have been grieving hard for 4 months now. Sometimes I have wished I could have just pushed all the pain aside and not dealt with it, but now after reading your story I realize that's not the way to do it either I guess? So it doesn't matter WHEN you start the grieving process, it's just important that you DO ! This site is a great place to get it all out, you can write all your innermost feelings (good, bad, & ugly), and No one will judge you, We will all be right here to listen, and try to help eachother! I wanted to ask you if you had any kind of family support? (Dad, or siblings?) I know what you mean about others thinking you ought to be better by now, As far as I can tell- after losing a parent it will be a long, long time before we are better(if ever) I look forward to reading more posts from you, there's something about the sharing of stories here that does help in this healing process. Peace and hugs to you!, Jodi

Dear Frank G. That was very well said !! Thank-you, and I agree ! You take care of yourself too! Peace and hugs to you!

Hi Sharla ! This is a very interesting subject!, Like I have told you before , I feel exactly like you do ! It's really hard because this path we walk right now is painful enough, and it makes it even harder when there aren't many who think like we do ! Oh well, I'm not going to worry to much about it ! I'm glad there are a couple people here that share our non-beliefs ! Even though I don't believe in God, I do believe that the spirit lives on. I've had some experiences after loved ones have died that may be proof of that ! Also I watch shows like Ghost Hunters, they really make you think! I'm going to make a post about my experiences, I'd like to know if anyone else has had similar ones ! I believe my Dad is my "guardian angel" , I now ask him to watch over me and guide me! I do want to say that- I used to believe in God (most of my life) and was afraid to question anything, but that all changed, and I'm still here !! ! I believe the only important thing in life is to be the best person you can be (kind, honest,loving) and that's all we can do ! I know this site is not here to discuss religion, but it does play a part in different ways in everybody's grief. Like I've said before- If peoples faith get's them through this horrible pain then I am happy for them. But as far as I can tell- both the believers and non believers are all in this same lonely boat! I do Love everybody, and wish you all well! Peace and Hugs !xoxo

Hi again "Ni" !! Thank-you again for your always beautiful reply ! I wish I could print out all your posts and keep them in a scrapbook, they are all so helpful, and written so well. I really believe that you should publish a book ! I mean it ! I think you could help alot of people, you just say things in a way that we can all relate to ! Anyways, Thank-you for your "gift"!! I know your Dad's really proud of you ! I know what you mean about watching T.V.! For some reason if my brain is preoccupied with a tv show I can temporarily escape the pain ! Also what you said about McDonalds, It's little things like that (usually food related!) that really break my heart I guess I could go on all day about all the little "simple" things I am missing ! I wanted to mention something about "therapy" I started seeing a counselor (every week) and joined a support group a couple weeks after my Dad died , I can tell you that it helps a little , but the truth is it's getting a little frustrating because I realize there's really no one that can truly help me, I have to learn to deal with it somehow ? There is a positive side to it though- especially the one on one counseling ,and that is that you can talk about anything, and say it over and over (the broken record thing) and she will just sit and listen, which is nice sometimes! Well, I look forward to hearing from you (as always) ! Take Care, Love and hugs, Jodi

Hi Dear Niamh !! I haven't made a post for a few days now, but I wanted to tell you that on the 15th I thought about you all day, wondering how you were. It sounds like you got through it o.k.? Are you over your cold? Hope so ! I've been having a really hard couple of day's and really don't know who to talk to but I knew I could come here and someone would listen! I know you've talked about how sometimes you try to think about your dad but you can't? Does it feel like your brain is LOCKED ? It's a very strange feeling isn't it? Whats really bad about it is that I know that when my brain does "unlock" itself, the reality hits me even harder! It's like it socks me in the gut and makes me double over in EXTREME pain. I really do feel like I'm losing my mind. I know alot of people say that but I'm just feeling that It's worse than most people feel. I think the thing I struggle with most is feeling like I don't want to live anymore , it's not like I'm suicidal (I need to be here for my mom!) , But that I just can't function in society anymore! I do just the minimum to get by everyday. Well, just writing this has at least stopped my crying spell for the time being! Thanks for reading this, I've missed talking to you and LouLou lately! Hope you are well, Love and hugs!

Hi Niamh ! Yes I know exactly what you're talking about ! I come from a very small family, so you would think I'd treasure every single relative, But that's not true right now. I have an Aunt that I haven't talked to since my Dad's funeral (3 months!) The thing is she wasn't at all supportive when he died and so I'm feeling resentful ! She asks my Mom about me all the time, and my Mom just tells her I'm not ready to talk to anyone yet ! The truth is I don't feel like making "Small talk" with anyone. I just want to be alone with my thoughts (as bad and painful as they are!) It sounds like "Pastmidnite" really gets what we are saying too ! Also about the Springtime thing, How's that been going with you ? I'm sadly finding it seems to be getting worse everyday (Every flower that blooms,every bird building a nest,every sunny day,etc.etc.) Believe me- I really would like to write something positive in these posts, but I just can't find anything, I know most "normal" people would think I should just be happy I'm alive- But it's quite the opposite. Every time I look at my Dad's pictures I fall apart, I want to look at them but it just breaks my heart to see his beautiful smiling face. Does that ever happen to you ? Again I truly don't know what I would do without all of you here !! I really feel like there's NO ONE else that understands, And it seems like they are all losing their patience with me !! Thank-you my beautiful,caring friends!! Love and Hugs ! xoxo

Hi again Niam !! It's so amazing the thing you said about dinner on the deck with your Dad, because that is also one of the saddest things for me - I have a big front porch on my house, and my Dad would come over almost every summer evening and sit on one of the rocking chairs, and we would talk for hours, and have some kind of dessert ! Yesterday, I sat in his rocking chair, and it was so painful- I could barely stand it ! I don't know what this summer will bring ? I can't even begin to think about it, like I said Spring is hard enough! Niam, When you are around your Mom do you try to hold it together and not cry? Do you guys talk about your Dad alot ? We do talk about my Dad as much as we can, usually I just have a few tears in my eyes, I never let her see me sob like I do at home ! I think it would make her real sad ! Do you find that when you are on the computer (like on this site) That it helps take your mind off things temporarily? I think I'm spending more time on here lately cause it's the only thing that makes me feel a little better ! Talk to you soon , Love and hugs to you again !

Hi LouLou ! I Thank-you for your reply ! I always look forward to reading your posts !! It's terrible the way you said you were treated by the hospital,etc.(It's unbelievable that even the funeral home was rude?) What is happening to our society? I , too feel pain in my chest when i think about my Dad, and sometimes I cry so hard that I can't even breathe ! Sometimes I actually think I'll die of a broken heart (like you hear people talk about!) Anyways, Thanks for being here ! Healing Hugs to you!!!

Hi Sharla, Thank-you SO much for your reply ! I went on your other post, and read your story about your Dad, I sent you a reply there. I will always be here for you !! Try to have a good evening and try to make your Dads Birthday a Happy, and special one ! Love, Jodi (I go by Jodo here because that's what my Dad called me!)

Hello Dear Sharla, You sound like such a beautiful,sweet person ! I bet your Dad is SO proud of you !! First of all I want to say - I hope your Dad had a good day today, and a very Happy Birthday. I am so sorry for what you are going through right now, It's so unfair- your Dad is so young . There of course are no words that will fix anything,But, I do want to tell you (since I lost my Dad suddenly,and never got to say goodbye or anything) Please treasure every single moment you have with him, and tell him how proud of him you are, and how lucky you are that he came into your life! I'm sure you've already said things like this (but sometimes it can be hard,because you don't want to make him uncomfortable or sad!) My greatest wish is that I could have my Dad back for just even 10 minutes so I could tell him all these things! I know he knew I loved him, but I don't know if he knew how Thank-ful I was for everything he did for me, and the great life he gave me! I, and everyone here will be with you EVERY step of the way, there are some things you just can't talk to family & friends about so it's great we have this ! I, like you am not religious so I don't have that faith thing to help me, and it's nice that I am able to say that and not be judged too harshly ! Where do you live? (You don't have to disclose it if you don't want!) I live in New Mexico right now but I hope to move, There's too many memories here, and everything makes me sad !! I hope to talk to you again soon, maybe I could e-mail you ! Take care!

Hello again my new dear friend Niam ! I Thank-you so much for reading my post, and taking the time to write your beautiful reply !! Even though I cried all the way through it, it gave me comfort ! I know what you mean about going to the cemetery, I do feel so close to him when I am there. Do you live near the cemetery?? Ours is only a mile from my house, at night I can actually see some of the little lights that are at the cemetery (which makes me sad !) Niam- forgive my ignorance- but I'm not good at geography so I don't know what season it is there in Ireland !! Is it spring like it is here ?!! I have had a hard time lately with spring in the air- Everything starting to bloom, and the clear blue skies, I know it makes most people happy , But not me anymore, I just feel so sad that my Dad isn't here to see all this beauty People keep telling me to think positive thoughts, and think about the good memories of my Dad, But right now it's the "good memories" that hurt the worst. By the way, Thank-you for suggesting the John Denver song, It of course made me cry, but it was so beautiful!! Well, I hope work is a little better for you tomorrow! I have so much admiration for you (that you are able to work everyday and hold it together) You must be stronger than you think you are! I send you a great big hug ! xoxo

Hi Everyone, I am fairly new to this group, I've made a couple of short posts but never told my Dad's full story. So here it is- I apologize if it gets a little "lengthy" !! It started last Nov.(2009) My Dad had just turned 71 (but looked 60!) He went in to the hospital with a blood infection, they told him it could be treated with antibiotics and he would be fine, THEN, they did a colonoscopy on him and punctured his intestine, then over prescribed blood thinners and he started bleeding internally, and there was no way to stop it, THEN they took him off all blood thinners and his blood became so thick that it started to clot and we guess a clot went to his brain ? Well this happened on Christmas eve morning, we rushed him to the hospital (he was still somewhat coherent) then they shot some kind of drug in him that put him in a coma, and stuck a breathing tube into his throat and chest and airlifted him to the nearest city. Well, that was it, I was never able to talk to him again, He never came out of it- the doctors told us he had no brain activity and suggested (Pressured us) to take him off of life support which we did on Dec. 30th. I can't even begin to tell you how traumatic that was, we sat there for 4 hours waiting for him to take his last breath. That was it- My Dad,(my best friend, my support system ) was gone. I, in a sense was "gone"too, I will never be the same and for now I feel like I will never,ever recover. I remember so clearly the night before Christmas eve., we were sitting together talking about how we would spend it ( What we would eat, what Christmas movies we would watch,etc.) And, it was tradition that I would spend the night with he and my Mom, and wake up early X-mas morn to open presents. We never got to do any of that, Poof-he was just gone. I had to return all the presents I had bought him to the stores - that was so painful. I can't imagine ever celebrating Christmas again. EVER. I had made a video on my cell phone of him singing a Christmas song (during one of his hospital stays) That is so precious to me - though I'm so afraid it will get erased or my phone will get broken! Also I actually had saved a message on my home answering machine- It's so eery and very sad to play it and hear his beautiful voice and know that's all I have to hold on to. So it's been over 3 months now , and I am still a wreck, I cry all the time, and scream out loud as if I were a little girl " I want my Dado" I see other people that have lost their Dads and they seem to be fine. I wonder what is wrong with me, and start having panic attacks ! I don't understand how life just goes on all around me, Everyone smiling, laughing , eating, traveling,etc. It's just not fair !! My Dad loved life, and he loved people, and it was all taken away from him. I forgot to mention, we believe the hospital and doctors caused his death so that adds another whole dimension to this nightmare ( It's basically like he was murdered) My Mom and I have started to look into it- I don't know what will become of it, but at least we can say we tried. O.k. I guess I've said enough for now ! I struggle everyday with the energy,and will, to go on living without him. This group (my new friends) may be a "lifeline" for me ! I Thank-you so much ! (and thank-you for taking the time to read this very long post!) Hugs to all of you ! P.S.- As if everything isn't painful enough, yesterday when I went to the cemetery I saw that someone had stolen all the solar lights (8 of them) that we had put on my Dad's grave, unbelievable !

Hello dear Rosebud , I'm so sorry about your Dad, you've probably noticed there are alot of us ("girls") that have lost their Daddies, so we know exactly what you are going through. I am new to this group too ,but I think it's already helping me. My Dad went into a coma on Dec 24,2009 and died on Dec.30,2009 , So Christmas never happened (and I can't imagine ever celebrating it again) Easter was my first Holiday without him, and it was horrible, I cried, and cried ! Like you, I lived next to my Dad and saw him often, but still feel like I should have done more, said more, etc. I have a one brother that lives far from us, and I'm envious that he can be "removed" from all the sadness here ( My Dads house, etc,) Every tiny thing here reminds me of my Dad, and so I just remain in a constant state of sadness. I hope you have success with your counselor, I have one too, and it helps a little - These day's every LITTLE BIT helps ! I'm sure I'll talk to you again soon, Know that you are Loved and understood here ! Hugs xoxo

Hi Niamh, I know how you feel about Easter, I used to color eggs EVERY year for my Dad, and always given him a basket with all his favorite goodies, Now like you- seeing all the happy bright Easter "stuff" at the store just makes me so sad. I know I need to do something for my Mom for Easter but it's hard to get in the "spirit" of the holiday. I really feel bad for your Mom, it will be a tough day for her- I definitely think you should buy her flowers ! Flowers usually brighten up everyone's day ! I'm glad that everything is o.k. with your friend, you're very lucky to have her ! Try to enjoy your Easter . Love and Hugs to you !

Hi Loulou ! That's a wonderful thought- our Dads all hanging out together, My Dad loved meeting new people and talking to everyone, so I hope that's what he's doing ! You are so lucky to be going to see Allison ! I would but it's so expensive, I will look forward to hearing what she can tell you ! Well' try to enjoy your Easter, I will have a very hard time with it ( I used to color eggs for my dad EVERY year !) Hugs to you! xoxo

Hi Dear Marty ! Thank-you for your suggestion ! I tried using a different server, and it seems to be working ? I'll know for sure when I try submitting a longer post ! Thank-you for being here for all of us ! Have a great day,

Hi again Niamh ! I know what you mean about the numbness, The last few days I feel like I'm going through another round of "denial" ? The counselors tell me that's the way that it works (you think a stage is over, then it comes back around) also like you I get these frequent "panic attacks", It just makes me feel so helpless, like there's nowhere to run, no one that can help me! Well, the sense of relief I feel just having you guys to talk to is amazing ! I attend a support group where I live and it's great , but I think they may be tired of hearing me say the same things over and over, and not showing any signs of recovering ! It's great that you keep journals, and write to your Dad, I need to try that ! I'll talk to you soon, Peace and Love to you !

Hi Loulou ! Thank-you for your kind words, It's great to "meet" you, I have read many of your posts and feel like we have alot in common. I am so sorry about your Dad, The fact that your Dad (and mine) died so suddenly makes it even harder doesn't it? That's sad that your mom said he's in hell, I'm not religious but I know our Dads are NOT in hell ! I really believe that the spirit lives on ! (do you ever watch ghosthunters?!!) I have had a couple of things happen that may be proof of that! I will explain in another post, now that I think I've got the hang of this I will try to make a "New topic" post and tell about my Dad and what happened, etc. I look forward to reading more of your posts, I'm so happy about my new friends! Peace, and Love to you !

Niamh - I know how you feel about just "existing", That is exactly how I feel! When I tell other people that-I don't know if I can go on without my Dad they just look at me strangely, it's like no one really understands. I, like you look forward to every passing day because I'm that much closer to seeing my Dad again ! Sometimes I wish I could just lay down to sleep and never wake up , I just don't have the energy to do anything ! You are lucky that you have a"real" job, at least it forces you to be with other people and takes your mind off of things a little, I work at home (I'm an artist-a painter) And I'm having a very hard time getting anything done, I just seem to cry ALOT ! I wanted to tell you to that I also have not prayed since the day my Dad died, and probably won't ever again ! What's the use ? Anyways, I know that alot of people find comfort in their faith and I'm happy for them, it just doesn't work for me. After reading this over I realize I sound so negative, I'm sorry ! I'm really not a negative person at all, I guess right now I'm just sad, angry and confused !! I will try to make my next post a little more uplifting and positive! Big Hugs to everyone !

Dear Niamh, thank-you for your reply ! I am really frustrated , Each time I start to type a post, my computer shuts down and I lose all my text I want so badly to talk with everyone ! Has anyone else experienced this ? Well, when I figure it out I will try again ! My heart is overflowing with pain and I desperately need help, and I know I will find it on this site. Love and hugs to all of you xoxo

Hi Niamh, I lost my Daddy 3 months ago today (Dec. 30th) Ive been trying to make a first post telling his story but it's not working, so I'll try a shorter version, He had a stroke on Christmas eve morning and never woke up and we had to take him off life support on Dec. 30th . There's much more to the story- We believe the hospital caused his death, but right now that's beside the point. I am lost and in extreme pain , Niam, I can relate exactly to each one of your posts - I don't know how to go on ?? Well, I hope I can talk to many of you on this site - I feel a little hope now because of all of you! Thank-you