SHeiss

Cheryl, I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved Mark. I wish I could give you some words of comfort to help alleviate some of your pain. I think we all grieve in our own ways. I am sorry people keep saying you are "doing good"... I find myself getting irritated with people telling me what I am and how I am doing when they don't understand my feelings. Again, I am very sorry and I do hope you find happiness again as we all deserve it.

I have been having these dreams lately that are amazing. They all are back when my dad was healthy and life was fun and amazing to me. I never want to wake up. When I have these dreams I wake up to the screwed up reality that my dad is very sick and will never be the same. I hate it. I have been crying all morning. Am I crazy? Or just wishful? I find myself just remembering the good times my dad and I have had and everything he has done for me and he is still here. That is so wrong of me to do. I should not be missing him when he is still here. I hate myself for it. I asked my dad what to get him for Fathers Day and he said “my eyesight back” as the cancer has eaten a nerve behind the eyeball. That hurt so bad when he said that because I would gladly trade him. I would give him my life for him to stay healthy. I would give him my eyes I would give him whatever he needs. I just want to scream. I don’t even know how I make it through everyday without crying. I just have 1 day a week where I can’t help it and today is that day. I feel sick to my stomach and I feel like my heart is being stomped on. I just wish there was something I could do to make him better… anything. Just to see him smile again or even just to see him be comfortable would be a miracle in its own. I wish miracles existed. I am hoping for one…. But I am doubtful. Thanks for listening.

I have been feeling anxious as well. My dad is still alive and I am thankful for it, but he is very ill. He cant do any of the things he once enjoyed. I don't even know what to do for him for Fathers Day. The cancer spread to his brain and he has issues seeing and focusing with one eye now. It will never be the same. I can't even take him to the movies because he is ill feeling and can barely see. He does not want to eat a lot so cooking his favorite spaghetti and meatballs is just not going to work. I can't buy him all the toys he once enjoyed because he is too frail to enjoy them. What do you get a father who is dying? I have no idea. Fathers Day is also my 1 year anniversary with my husband and my wedding day was the last time I saw my dad "looking good" as in normal he looked like my dad and now he looks almost like a stranger. I know I will be neglectful to my 1 year anniversary date so I may make the day special and about my dad. I feel bad for my husband but he gives me my space. I am rambling now, sorry about that. Thank you all for listening to me.

2sweetgirls, I am still very sorry about your mom. I wish I could make you feel better by some sort of magical words that we both know don't exist. I do hope that your birthday brings you at least some sort of joy to your day. I will be thinking about you!!! As always, I am here to listen if you need me. Shar

Benpm, I am so happy that you are getting some help with all of this. Don't be embarrassed of your past. It is the past. We learn from what we did so we don't do it again in the present. I think you are a very strong person for over coming what you have. If anything, you deserve a huge pat on that back for working through it and over coming the stresses and heartache that death can cause and pushing through it to make sure you get things done. I wish I could have your strength and courage and when my dad passes (even though I would really just like if he beat the odds and lives for a while pain free) I hope that I will be able to do what you are doing with you courage.

Shelley, My family tells me that I need pills for depression, but I honestly do not feel like I am depressed. I feel like I am sad about my dad. I am allowed to be sad about this, he is dying in front of me and it feels like people who say I need depression medicine expect me to what... be happy about it? I am allowed to cry and I am allowed to be angry. So, I honestly think that it is what you feel on the inside. Do you feel like taking depression medicine will help you? If so, then do it! If not, then don't. Hope that helped at least a little. Shar

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! I really hope you may be able to at least find some joy out of today. I will be thinking of you 2sweetgirls!

Ben, I am so sorry. I cannot even begin to imagine the hurt you must have right now. I wish I could come help you in person do what needs to be done. Have you thought of maybe an estate sale or have you tried something like Craigslist (not sure if you have one or not) I sell things there all the time. There is always Good Will, St. Vincent De Paul or Salvation Army. I am sure there are a lot of people who would love to take care of your mothers things as their own. Much love to you and a great big hug! Shar

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. I wish I had words of comfort for you but all I can muster is that I am sorry and if you ever need to talk or just need someone to listen we are all here for you. I know I will have to endure the pain of eventually losing my dad and I will have to deal with hospice and him dying slowly and I am scared out of my mind for it to happen. Again, I am so sorry. I can tell you I Have found great comfort here and I hope it does the same for you as well. -Sharla

Thank you all! I really do not know where I would be emotionally without you all!!

Sorry I have not been on. I have been taking care of a lot for my mom and for my younger sister. Running her to and from places, bringing my mom new clothes up at the hospital and making sure my younger sister is eating dinner and has lunch money at school. My dad's surgery went fine. It was so sad because they had to take him off of his pain medicine and after the surgery they could not give him anything because it was technically brain surgery and they needed him to be awake and aware so they could ask him questions every hour. But I got to see him yesterday and he looked as good as he can be for his situation. They gave him his medicine and he seemed to be in good spirits even. I was looking at him yesterday and I just noticed how thin he has become since he has been sick. He almost looks frail. It truly bothered me. I wanted to cry because they dad I remember was active and strong and now he is not. He is still here though and that is what I focus on these days. I have been very tired as of late. I am almost so tired I do not want to get out of bed. I can sleep for 10 hours and I wake up exhausted. I find myself really liking sleep anyway. UGH! Thank goodness it is Friday... I really don't think I have the patients for my work for another day this week.

My dear Niamh, Mine is the exact opposite. Everyday seems to fly by. Weeks feel like days and months feel like weeks. I suppose it is because my dad is on limited time. I remember when people used to tell me "time fly's when you are having fun" But this is not fun and should not fly by me. I just want to pause time. So no, you do not sound odd. I completely understand... just the other way around for me. Much love!!! Sharla

Suzanne, I am so very sorry for the loss of your Danny. But I am very glad that you can use this site to grieve the way you want to grieve. We all need that. I know that our situations are a little different but I can't agree with you more. I am so sick and tired of my friends and family telling me that I need to be happy or go out and do something rather than staying home or wherever my dad is. They do not understand how this feels. As of late it is making me so mad that I have started saying things about it to these people. I love them... but the next person who tells me that I need to "get out" or that I need to be happy I swear I am going to hit them. How can one be happy when their dad is wasting away in front of them. Even when I try it seems to come back to him. How is it fair or even okay for me to "be happy" when my dad is suffering and in pain and dying. I just want to be mean to these people because it feels like they are being mean and heartless by saying that I need to be happy or get out of the house. I am so sorry. I wish I could help in any way possible to alleviate your pain. If you ever need to be 100% honest with your feelings, we are all here to listen. Much love to you Suzanne. You are in my thoughts. Sharla

Thank you LouLou and Niamh! His surgery is today at 3:00. I am taking off work early to be with him. I barely got sleep last night. My stomach was in knots and I just feel sick. I will keep everyone posted on what happens. I love you all and thank you for being here with me during this time! Sharla

Rim, I was thinking about you the other day and meant to send you a little note to see how things are with your gf. Any improvement? I know it is hard for you,but it is probably just as hard for her. You are in my thoughts. Sharla

I am so sorry for all you have been through. I am glad you are still here though. I want you to know that I grieve here. My family is all grieving about my dad but my dad has specifically asked me to be strong for my family and since he has said this I am unable to cry about my dads illness to anyone in my family. I can't talk to my husband about it because I also look at crying as a sign of weakness and I hate when people see me crying or try to help me when they do not understand how I feel. I want you to know that I have been here since March and ever since I initially wrote what was going on and the responses I got from every kind person on here, I almost look at them as a 2nd family of people who feel how we feel. This is my only opening to express my hurt, anger and fear. I truly hope it does the same for you. We are all here for each other during these hard times and we are here without judgment. Welcome to the site, I truly hope it will help you in the ways it has helped me. Much love and many hugs to you! Sharla

I feel completely the same. It is nice to be able to make friends even during tough times. I actually prefer the people I have met here over my friends that are around me. My friends who are around me just try to cheer me up when I dont want to be cheered up. They want me to "stop being sad/depressed" about my dad and they have no idea how I feel. They have never dealt with a dying parent before. At least people here understand that it kind of feels worse to be happy because you are doing it while your loved one is either dying or has passed already and it is unfair to them. I just truly love you and appreciate you all. Thanks Starkiss for posting this and letting me express my love and thanks too!!

Starkiss, After my grandma passed (situations were different than you and your father)but we used to buy a birthday balloon and we would all sign it and tell her how we felt about her and then we would let it go in the air so she could read them. It was pretty comforting for my dad. Maybe something like that would be just enough to feel better about your feeling of needing to do something for him. Sharla

Thank you all for your beautiful replies and prayers. Sometimes I just get so tired of all of this. I try to remain proactive and positive but I have found it to be quite hard these past couple weeks. His "good" days seem to be few and far in-between. It may seem selfish, but I am so tired of all of this. I know he is even more tired than I am I just think I have come to a point where even mustering up tears is hard and tiring. So tomorrow I will be there with my mom and my dad and I will try my hardest to ease any discomforts or nervousness he has. Again, Thanks all for listening. It helps that I have you! Much love and hugs!! Sharla

He will be having a hole drilled into his skull to implant a port for chemo to treat the cancer that has gone to his brain. I will be there by my mom and dads side tomorrow, but I am very nervous about it. It is very scary to me and I just want to make sure he is in no pain. These headaches he has been experiencing have been so painful he said they are almost more painful than his chest was when we found out about his cancer. I am so sick of saying the word cancer I could scream. I hate that word so much. It is kind of exhausting to even talk about anymore. I just want my dad to feel better. I am just so scared and sad for my dad about tomorrow.

Well the day I wrote this I was getting info from my mom and my grandma and I was very worried about her and her kids. She truly is a good mom, I just think she gets overwhelmed and my sister wears her heart on her sleeve anyway. I have seen her since and I actually referred her to these forums. I hope she will get as much relief here as I do mentally. Thanks for all of your replies!

Starkiss, Thank you for your reply. I have spoken with my sister and I have expressed my worries for her and she has decided to try to find help. I just explained that her babies need her to be ok and maybe she should look into some "help" as she just cries from the moment she wakes up until the moment she goes to sleep. She has agreed with me on this and has started checking into things. I am just keeping an eye on her, I made sure my niece and nephew were fed and had clean diapers and they did when I went to her house.

Mary Linda, Thank you for your response to my post. My dad is very lucid right now. he completely understands everything that is happening. I feel so sad for him. You did not hurt me by your post. I know my dad and I am actually surprised he keeps treating rather than telling everyone he wants to stop. I am a very strong person because of my dad, but I am a little wimpy sissy girl on the inside. We just found out yesterday and when I went to his house after work he told me that I needed to be strong for my mom and sisters. Weirdly enough him saying that made me go from borderline mental breakdown to a feeling of numbness and hazy headed. He is right though. I have to be strong to get my family through all of this. We actually have a BBQ tomorrow as his sister is in town and everyone is pressuring my dad to go. I am a little pissed off because whenever he says "it depends on how I feel" people almost beg him to come. I am ready to just start punching some of my family members in the face. They don't have to see him sick or help him when he is sick and for them to pressure him makes me so mad. Sharla

I seriously thought I was the only one who slept all the time and did not care to ever wake up. My days off are mostly spent with my dad or in bed all day because I feel too sad to deal with my life. I really have no idea why my husband is still with me. I am normally so sad or too tired to even mate with my husband. It has been months now. I feel bad and I wish I could but I cant. I just dont care. I dont care if my job fires me and I dont care if every friend of mine up and leaves me. I would actually prefer if my friends just left. It would be better than crying when they die too. Other members of my family are pissing me off as well. aunts and uncles and cousins who are just happy as can be piss me off. My dad is dying and all they can talk about are planning camping trips. I seriously think that I may snap one day and shake the living hell out of them. Anyway, I need to stop posting for the day. I feel myself getting angry again and I still have all day at work I need to deal with. -S

Oh Niamh, my love. I am so sorry. I wish I could help you feel better. There are no words. All I can say is that I am here for you whenever you may need me to be. You are in my thoughts as always. All my love and HUGE HUGS Sharla