SHeiss

Thanks both. I was really very angry when I posted that yesterday as I had just found out. Aquarius - I am starting to think the same thing. I wish that my dad was older though. He is only 47 years old. I just hate this. I wish there was another way. Niamh, as always my friend, thank you. I like that you understand me. I am so thankful that I found this site because I am not sure what I would do with myself if I had not. -Sharla

So today is a HORRIBLE day I will never forget. The tests all came back and the cancer has spread to my dads brain. They want him to get a port implanted in his brain to treat him with chemotherapy. I feel like everyday we have him here is another day closer to him leaving this world. I am so angry right now I could scream. Weeks seem like hours and months seem like days. I am so tired of watching him suffer already and I know it will only get worse from here. I am so tired of wondering "why him?" but at the same time I have the right to know. If there is a God, why does he/or she allow this. I have not had faith in a very long time, but if I did it would be lost because of this. Anyway, as always that you for listening to me. I am just very sad and very angry right now. Sharla

Tmanning, I am so very sorry for the loss of your sister. I would love to say something comforting here to maybe help alleviate some of your pain, but I have nothing. There are no words to help. Only time will help. It is ok to cry. I cry everyday about my dad and his illness and sometimes I start to think about life and how it is not even worth living. (not suicidal, more like - wtf is the point of us being here) I have my days where I am very optimistic that my dad will pull through and beat the odds... then the very next day I have a nervous breakdown and I am anxious and scared of what is to come. All I know is that you are perfectly normal. My only get-a-way from my grieving is that I play video games. I just forget about real life and I completely indulge myself into the game for a while and afterward I do find myself feeling a little better. Again, I am truly sorry about your sister. Just know that you are not crazy and that everyone grieves int their own way. -Sharla

Hi all! Normally I am on here writing about my dad but, my little sister who is almost 23 is taking all of this VERY HARD! She has 2 children on top of it all. She sounds so far away (mentally) when I talked with her today. I am almost afraid of her abilities to take care of my niece and nephew. I am going over to her house today to assess the situation. I feel badly for her, but at the same time she makes me angry because she needs to focus on my niece and nephew and what they need. She is very sad about our dad and within the past week has been crying profusely. She has recently been fired from her job which has added to the issue I am sure, and now has no medical insurance to cover counseling needs. I don't know what to do. Thanks once again for listening! -Shar

Cynthia, I am so sorry about your mom and your pain and your dog too. I wish these things would just not happen to people. Suffering is not the way. My dad has days where he is mostly normal except his headaches and then the whole next week he sleeps all the time, is sick (puking) refuses to eat and/or drink and just plain wishes someone would shoot him. I feel bad because there is nothing we can do... we just have to comfort him. Sometimes I think that doctors don't really know what they are talking about when it comes to cancer. I don't think we know enough about it yet to listen completely to what the doctors say. I am still wishing that my dad will stay strong and fight because I think there still may be a way he can win this battle. But then I have days where I want to cry, kick and scream like a 2 year old about the whole thing. I am very angry that this is going on with my dad and I am very hurt that it had to be him. If I could trade him my life, I would. I understand what you mean about the eating thing and how you feel like it is unfair that we can and they cant. I feel that way about people being happy. I feel it is unfair to be happy when my dad is dying. Why should I be happy? What, because he is still here? Should I ignore his "impending doom"? I have been told that the only man in my life that I can trust and who loves me for me is going to die and people expect me to be happy. Also, it pisses me off when his friends are happy or other family members are happy because there is not reason for them to smile when my dad is sick. I have thought about just reaching out and punching them in the face when they come over and talk to my dad about snowmobiling or camping or motorcycle riding... these are all things my dad is no longer able to do that he loved. Then people come around talking about what a good time they had when they did it. I get so pissed off. I may be the glue that holds my family together... but I am the glue for a reason, this reason is I state it how it is, I put up with no crap,I get things done when others are too upset to and I am the only one that will lay the iron fist (as in you will not mess with my family). Anyway, Cynthia... you mentioned that we are all strong and in fact we are not. We all have our moments but for the most part we all feel like you do in at least some way. I am glad you found us, welcome to the site - we are always here to listen to you. -Sharla

I am so sorry I have not been on lately Niamh. I would have replied sooner. I hope you are feeling a little better now. There are really no words I can give you that are comforting as I have come to the realization that I personally would rather people just not talk about my dad or his illness or give me any sort of advice or telling me that God has a plan and blah blah blah. So I apologize if I do not sound like I care - I do care I just dont know the words to give to you to make you feel better. Always thinking about all of you! -Sharla

Rory, I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. Though, it makes me feel a little better that even though he is gone, you're grateful that you knew ahead of time. I have been struggling with my dads terminal lung cancer and wondering if it would just be better to have it happen suddenly or to know about it before it happens. I agree, it is horrible to watch someone slowly fade away. Again, I am very sorry. If you ever need an ear to listen, know that I am here for you! -Sharla

Aquarius, I am glad you took video and photos of your mom on Mothers Day! That was a very good idea. I know how you feel as my dad is terminal with his cancer and every holiday I feel like it is the last one I will have with him here so what I do to cope with my overwhelming feelings of sadness on those days is I force myself to make it the best holiday ever. The only advice I can give to you is that your mom is still here. Don't treat her like she is gone yet. You are in my thoughts and you were in my thoughts on Mothers Day. Keep us posted on your moms status. -Shar

Leeann, Thank you for your reply to my post! I am very strong for my dad. I make sure that he has whatever he needs and/or wants. I give him many choices to chose from when it comes to anything. I am very strong for him and for my family. I find it easier to just cry in the shower where nobody knows because I don't want sympathy. I will deal with it on my own. I appreciate how you explained what you did as a "painful...gift" I agree that is exactly what it is like. I go to my moms probably 5 times a week for a few hours a day. I feel bad that I dont go there everyday, but my heart cant take everyday and I need days to regain my composure so I am strong around my family. Thank you again, as your words mean a lot to me and have helped me a little. -Sharla

Niamh, I am so sorry you are hurting as badly as I am. Our situations are a little different but I can relate to your emotions. I pretend to be ok around my family and my husband, but deep down I have a deep hatred for life since my dad was diagnosed. I have been questioning why we are here and I think that there is no point in life. Why do we have feelings of love and emotion just to have the person we love ripped away from us. I have gotten to the point where I don’t care about anything too. I pretend that I am strong and I am ok, but I cry a lot and I have been experiencing what I think is apathy. I am just numb most days and I don’t even care. I don’t care to change it and I don’t care if everyone that I know leaves because of it. I have got to the point where I just don’t care about anything anymore. I don’t even care about my job… I go to work, but if they fired me I would not care. I don’t care about bills or what people think. The only person I care about these days is my dad and how he is feeling. I have managed to block every other person out and I don’t care if it hurts them or their feelings. I don’t care about their feelings. I am not trying to be rude… but my dad is the only priority I have in life. I care nothing about anyone elses. I am sorry you feel the same way, because it sucks… I have moments where I get happy but then I go back to either a huge amount of heartache or numbness again. Plus, it is unfair for me to feel happy when my dad is dying. This is NOT a happy time. I am here for you Niamh if you ever need an ear!

Sorry I have not been on as much lately replying to everyone. My dad got the results of his MRI back and the Oncologist said that his brain is clear of cancer. I hope that is correct and he is not just a quack. The symptoms my dad has all point to brain tumor/cancer or a neurological issue. Maybe I am just thinking worst case scenario so I am not shocked again. It sucks to see him like this. He already cannot do much because the tumor in his lung is the size of a football so he stays inside like everyday depressed and either sleeps or watches TV. Now he can barely watch TV because of these symptoms. He cant drive himself anywhere and he is feeling helpless. He wont say it, but I can see it. I really wish they would just figure it out already and help him. He lost all of his masculinity and now he is losing everything else in this too. It is just so sad.

Christine, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I wish there was something I could do to comfort you and take your pain away. Welcome to the site! I hope you find love and comfort here as I have. Everyone grieves in there own way, it is your right as a human being. There is no correct way. You love and miss your mom and to me the way you are grieving is normal. You seem like a very kind and loving person and I can tell the bond you had with your mom was very beautiful. I really have no advice for you, but I am able to lend an ear to listen whenever you may need to vent, cry, yell or just chat. I am sure she was a fantastic person. Much love and many hugs, Sharla

Anyone ever find themselves wanting to punch their loved ones doctor. Or maybe not even that far, but just being very angry with them because they don't get back to you soon enough or they continuously say the same thing or give you the same answer almost like they are too lazy to try anything else? I am just very frustrated as my dad is sick and he is having all of these extra symptoms which by the looks of everything screams that the cancer has metastasized to his brain and we are getting no answers. He already cant do anything and is confined to the house and now he can even watch TV without seeing double vision and he has a headache everyday. I just want to shake his doctor for not getting back to us. I don't know what time limit to give... but it has been 3 days and these symptoms have been going on for a while. I can barely deal with the fact that he is dying - I WILL NOT deal with him dying in pain or being uncomfortable. Ugh. Sorry, I am very upset and very anxious/nervous about these results and every minute I don't know feels like a lifetime.

Tracy, Thank you so much for your response. I was highly unsatisfied with the results and the Ct scan they did so I begged my mom to either have them take a closer look or get a 2nd opinion. She did and they ended up doing his MRI yesterday of his brain. I am unsure of the results and I am nervous to find out what I think I may know is there. All of the signs he has point to brain tumor/cancer. My stomach is in knots - I really am freaked out about it today. I will keep everyone posted. -S

Elizabeth, Sorry to hear about Harley. He sounds like he was a great dog. I know as an animal lover myself that losing an animal is just as hard as losing a friend or loved one. I really am unsure what to say other than I am very sorry and I hope that one day soon your pain will subside. Much love and hugs! -Sharla

Suzanne, I am so very sorry for your loss! I wish I could take some of your pain away, if even for just a little while. My whole family keeps telling me that I need to go to the doctor due to depression. I may be mildly depressed but who wouldn't be when you are told your dad is going to die? I am grieving and everyone does it and it is okay to do so. I don't want medicine, I just want my dad to be ok. So I sort of understand where you are coming from. Huge hugs, you are in my thoughts. -Sharla

I feel the same way. I am constantly exhausted and yet I cant sleep. I finally did sleep all last weekend. I feel like that is all I did. It was definitely refreshing. But now I am back to my normal I cant sleep at night due to my thoughts about my dad. Last night I finally dozed off at an okay hour of 3:00 AM every other night since Sunday it has been 5 or 6 AM and then I have to go to work at 9:00. I am sick of it too. Sometimes I just wish I could take a mental vacation or sleep for a week. Maybe even a medically induced coma for a week or so just to catch up on some Z's. So in my eyes... you are perfectly normal. I wish I could take your pain away

Aquarius, I am so sorry to hear of your mothers’ illness. Welcome to the site! I hope you find as much comfort here as I do. I know how you feel because I have been experiencing the same thing for some months now. I have been experiencing anticipatory grief since September 28th 2009 when we found out that my dad has stage 4 non small cell lung cancer. It has metastasized into his lymph nodes. It is a very scary and painful experience and it has not gotten any better for me. I am the strong one in my family. I have to be the shoulder to lean on. I am the glue/crutch of our family. I stay strong for my mom and my sisters and I try to make them feel better. Then I go home every night and cry because I am scared and in pain too. I feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. I felt like I had nobody to turn to until I found this site. This site has helped me by just letting me vent and talk to a crowd that is very open and non-judgmental of my feelings. My first post helped me so much – even if nobody had read it, at least I got it off my chest. Again, I am so very sorry about your mother. All I can say is just to be there for her. You can’t change the past – you can only make what you can out of he present. Make sure she knows you love her and that you think of her as your best friend!! Keep us posted about your mom and how she is doing. You are a great son from what I can tell! If you ever need an ear to just listen or if you want someone to just scream at I know I am here for you!!! -Sharla

Niamh and Lucia, Thank you both for your beautiful responses. I was having a very hard day when I posted that and I felt like I was going to burst into tears at work. We thought that the cancer may have spread to his brain and I was very scared and I was freaking out. We got the results on his CT scan back and it came back as normal. He still has the signs and symptoms though. When my mom calls me for a split second I feel like my brain is going to explode with emotion and I feel sick because I know that call will come... I just don't know when. I really don't think there is a way that you can even prepare yourself for it either. But yesterday they said it was normal and it was a huge sigh of relief. Again, many thanks and love to you both! -Sharla

Frank - I completely agree and thank you! Religion is a sensitive subject and I try my hardest not to offend. Jodo - Hi! How have you been? Long time no talk! I hope all is well with you. LouLou - Hi! We seem to have the same beliefs when it comes to religion, I am just glad I am not crazy or alone in my thoughts about it. It has been a struggle for me to find religion because for me, right now would be the best time to start praying. I feel horrible that I have not "turned to God" to help my dad as I should be doing anything to do so, but I just feel that I should not pretend that I believe just to "save my dad" from his cancer. It is wrong for me to do that. I may not believe but I will NOT make a mockery of religion and that is exactly what I would be doing if I prayed now. Since my dad has been sick and told that he is going to die sooner than we want, I have struggled with if I should try to pray to something I do not believe is there out of my own selfishness. Anyway, hope all is well hon. Kayc - I appreciate all of your posts and/or thoughts. I like to hear what other people think and or believe in. I wish that I thought the way you thought and had your beliefs in God. It would make my pain a lot easier to deal with I think. I am not atheist as I just don't know if there is or not I just lean more toward no for some reason. I do hope that one day I am able to find faith somewhere. I hope that there is a God out there that allows people to see their loved ones after death. I really would love for that to be true! Have a great weekend all! You are all in my thoughts! -Shar

Niamh, Sorry about your co-workers. We have a lady here at work and her father just died from lung cancer and mine is dying from it. Her dad had a very fast spreading cancer and died within 4 months of being diagnosed. My dad has been diagnosed longer and I know when she gets back that I wont really be able to talk about feeling bad for my dad because he is dying because he is still here and that would be rude of me. So I will just have to keep my thoughts and emotions to myself because he is still here and I am very lucky for it! Anyway, I hope work zooms by for you today love! -Shar

Kayc, Hello again! I just read your 1st post and cried. You are such a sweet person and I cannot even imagine how that would feel. I have actually read many of your posts and responses and you have such kind words and I am know you have helped many. Thank you fer helping all of us in painful situations! -Shar

Hi Kayc! I suppose they were not listed exactly as much as peoples opinions. Just taking loved ones away would be one thing for me. I just can't imagine a being who would hurt people like this. I am not trying to offend anyone here with religion as it is a touchy subject. I was raised to believe in God. But during my childhood (my mom was 19 when she had me with my biological father who beat her) I would pray to God asking if he would just stop the hurt he was causing my mom. My mom finally did leave my biological father who in return decided that he did not want his kids. My mom then met my wonderful step father who is the one slowly dying from lung cancer. Explain the logic here? Why him and not my biological father who was a womanizing wife beater? Why did he choose the dad who loves and takes care of his family or the dad who chose to be a dad to 2 kids that were not his? Reasons like this is why. I really hope that I am not offending anyone, as that is not my intention. I am just having one of those horrible days dealing with my dad. -Shar

Debs, I am so sorry about the death of your mother. This website has helped me deal with my dad being terminally ill and I am sure it will help you with the loss of your mother. My dad is still here and I am dealing with watching him slowly die. It is really horrible when there is nothing you can do to stop what will eventually happen. I don't cry in front of anyone, but when I am alone and in private I cry to hard that sometimes I feel that I May hyperventilate or pass out. This website has helped me so much because I feel like I am not alone anymore and that there are others who understand me. This site lets me vent about my dad and how I am feeling and it makes a world of difference rather than my normal bottle up and keep all of my feelings to myself. I truly hope that we can help ease your pain, if for even a few moments a day. Welcome to the website that has pretty much changed my life!!! -Sharla

Starkiss, Again sorry for your loss. I have never experienced the anniversary of a close loved ones death. I can only imagine how hard it must be even as time goes by. I am very happy that therapy seems to help you if even just a little. I have thought about therapy for myself too, but I am a very private mourner. Anyway, you are in my thoughts and I will be here if you need someone to listen! -Sharla