SHeiss

For all of these reasons listed above is why I have never been a believer. When I was a child I believed, but only because I never wanted to "go to Hell". I have tried and tried to get some sort of faith through different types of religions but I get the same result each time.I assume that if I am wrong and there is indeed a God out there that he/she would be more upset if I pretended to believe out of fear rather than actual faith. Maybe I will find something some day, but with what is happening with my father right now I just don't think there will ever be a chance I will find faith. -Sharla

Thank you both for your replies. I try to be around him all the time. I just get so upset that there is no way to make it better. All I think about these days is death and how very cruel it is to be put on this earth and love people just to have it all taken away from you. I don't want children anymore because of this. I am not going to have someone feel this way about me. It has me thinking a lot about how I wish that I had no feelings of love toward anyone. I am not religious and I do not believe we get to see our loved ones after death. It is just the end. I want to believe in God, I just don't I have tried and I feel that it is far worse to believe in something out of fear than to just admit that you don't. But regardless this is not the forum to post about religion. I just wish I could believe I would see him again after death and I am sure that this would be at least a tiny bit easier on me. He does not know that I feel this way. I just try to be there for him. I refuse to cry around him. I don't cry in front of anyone though. I just express my emotions in the shower where nobody but me and the running water know what is going on. I am constantly freaked out that something bad is going to happen to another loved one.I have a lot of anxiety about something happening to them. I wake up everyday dreading that call. When my mom calls me I have a mini panic attack because it may be about my dad passing away. Sometimes I think it may just be better that he does pass away to take him from his pain, but then my selfishness comes out and I don't want it to be the end yet. I am the glue for my family and I am fine with this. I am always there for them and I am strong for them. But inside I am a blubbering baby with nobody to turn to to just be there for me when I cry. I am rambling now. Sorry. Thank you for your kind thoughts -Sharla

I have posted about my dad before (sorry that it seems to be somewhat of a diary). I have been hanging out with him a lot these days. My mom had to go out of town and I was making sure he was taking all of his medicine and wearing his oxygen and doing breathing treatments. He has days where it seems like there is no way he could be sick and it gets my hopes up only to see him later that night and the next day not feeling well and sleeping all the time. Lately he has been having these headaches and they are scaring me. The cancer he has is said to go to the brain. He is so scared. I told him to ask his doctor about it and they said to just keep an eye on them. In May he will have another CT scan to check out the tumor in his lung and hopefully they will check his head too. His illness is taking a toll on me. I have been very short with other family members and it is like my friends do not even exist anymore. My husband and I are having issues with this as he is mourning too. I feel guilty if I do not go visit my dad for 1 day. I am afraid to go out of town because I want to be here if something does happen to him especially with him having these headaches. What sucks most of all though is sitting here waiting for it to happen. Watching someone slowly die is the worst thing ever. Knowing there is nothing I can do to fix it... is breaking my heart.

Jo, Everyone seems to love you here. I just wanted to say hello to you and offer an ear whenever you may need it. I hope your treatments are going well! -Sharla

Hi Magic! Thanks for your response. I thought I was the only person who experienced emotions like these until I stumbled upon this site. It is nice to know that I am not crazy for grieving the way that I am and have been. It is super hard to be around my dad because I want to cry, but I force myself to spend as much time with him as possible and I try to make sure we have fun and that he is comfortable and smiling. I try to make him forget about his cancer and forget about death and to just live while he is able to when I am around. The other day he started talking about taking all of his toys and such in the garage to the dump because "what the hell will your mom do with it all when I am gone?" is what he said. I don't know if he is trying to get a feel for how I feel about him dying or what. I felt bad as I kind of just ignored the whole topic after that. Anyway Magic, I am very sorry for your friend and if you do ever want to chat about it just email me. I will listen to you without judging you or your feelings. You have my love and support and you and your friend are in my thoughts! -Sharla

Lou Lou – I am so sorry to hear you are still in pain. I wish there was something I could do for you to alleviate it if even for a little while. My dad is not gone yet, but the doctor has said by the end of the year. My husband has said certain things to me about my dad that have cut me inside beyond repair and I am still very upset with him about it and I think that is why I am pushing him away from me. I am sorry about your mom and husband not giving you time to grieve. 3 months is such a short amount of time for people to think that you should be up and chipper and have forgotten about your pain. I am here if you ever need to just talk about it. I have my moments too where I just think about my dad and I can't snap out of it. I just don't know what I will do with him gone. From what I hear, time heals all wounds. They never mention how much time is needed to heal. I wish you and your family the best. -Sharla

I read your post and thought that I would reply. You are experiencing what is called anticipatory grief. It is very common. I am very sorry to hear about your friend. Regardless if you only know them online, you can become attached to them and they can become your best friends. I play a game online and I have a few very close friends I have met there and if they got hurt or found out news such as your friend – it would hurt just as bad as it being a family member. I really don't have any advice for you on this. But my dad is terminally ill and I have been going through the same battles mentally. All I can tell you is if I were experiencing the same circumstances as you are and it was one of my friends I would just try to be there for them. Regardless on what they think and/or do they are the ones dying and we should respect it even though it sucks. I just try to imagine myself in my dad's shoes and it helps me respect his wishes and his thought process. My dad has been tossing around the idea of quitting chemo and I want to die every time it comes up. It infuriates me that he would make that choice… but I take a step back and think about it and force myself to be okay with it because it is his choice to make. Sorry if I am not much help to you. Please know you are not alone and you and your friend are in my thoughts. I hope he does eventually open up to you and tell you so you may (when the time comes) have the chance to say goodbye. -Sharla

Rim, I am so sorry it is still the way it was if not worse than before. As far as it goes for me... I know I am a very private person and I don't like to cry much less in front of other people. I don't want sympathy and I don't want prayers. I just want to deal with it in my own way by myself. I found this website because I was feeling compelled to talk about it and it does feel better and at least on here you cant see me cry or see the hurt on my face. I don't get judged here because I am grieving the way I grieve. As far as my husband goes, I don't want him to hurt because I hurt. He cries if he sees me cry I just cant handle all of everyone's emotions. I am the strong one in my family and life. People come to me with their hardships to cry and yell about. We all now share that same hardship and struggle and I am still here to be the comforter so I just bottle up and cry to myself in the shower or in my car at night time where no one can ask me if I am alright. Since reading your post for the first time I have started to talk to my husband a little more about it. Just small things and hopefully I can force my way up to the bigger things. I still don't cry though. I do hope that your girlfriend stops pushing you away. Just let her know that you are there for her. I cant speak for her or anything so I cant tell you how to let her know. Maybe you should try to be "just her friend" until you get a feel for her feelings? I dont know. I hope it all works for you both. You are in my thoughts! -Sharla

Alicia, What a marvelous idea! I want to know when your book comes out so I may purchase it. All I can give you is that people grieve in their own separate ways. There is no correct way to do it. Some people are in denial while others are okay with the situation or have come to terms with it. With me, I have bottled everything up to my family and friends and have only expressed my feelings here. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or feel that I am vulnerable. I don't want people telling me that they are "sorry" I don't want people telling me anything about it. My dad is slowly dying from stage 4 non small cell lung cancer and I just want to deal with it by myself in private from my family/work/friends everything. I am not religious either so I don't want people telling me that he will be "in a better place" I am pretty sure if another person in my life tells me that I may scream. Anyway, great idea. I hope that I have helped if even in a small way. -Sharla

Hi Rim! Has anything gotten better with your girlfriend? I see that this post was originated in March. I hope so. I actually want to thank you for your post as I am in the midst of losing my dad and my husband is trying to deal with me and all of my emotions. I am more of a bottled up person and I somewhat can relate to your girlfriend. You have to realize that she has just gone through something very traumatic in her life and people grieve in their own ways. There is no right or wrong way to do it. I know you want to work things out with her because you love her but maybe she just needs a break from everything to figure things out. All you can do is allow her that space and try to be there for her when she needs you. I cannot really speak for her but I hope everything has worked out for you both now. Thanks to your post I am going to try to open up a little to my husband as I have just been keeping the face that my dad is dying and my emotions about it to myself and to this forum as of late. Thank you again! -Sharla

Hi there! I just read your post and thought that I would reply. I am sorry for your loss as losing a best friend who feels like family is just as hard as losing a family member. You cant hold on to the last words you said to your friend before he died. Just think about all the times that you and him had. People get mad at each other and say things they don't actually mean all the time. From your post it seems like you are a very loving person and I am sure he knew you were just mad and that you did not actually hate him. All you can do from here is learn from this. Always tell the people you love that you love them. When you are mad at someone just take a deep breath and think before you say anything like that so maybe you can avoid it. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss and if you ever need to talk just email me and I will listen if you need to be mad or sad or just talk. -Sharla

Grandma - I really don't know what to say or have any sort of advice for you. I just read your post and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for what has happened. I wish there was something more I could tell you and the only thing I can think of is that I am so very sorry for your loss and to tell you that there is no "proper way" to grieve. You will do it in your own way and you will heal in your own way. If you ever need to talk I am all ears even if you just want to cry and yell or just need someone to tell you that it is ok we are all here for you! -Sharla

MelissaJane, Good afternoon!! I came across your post this afternoon and thought I should share a story with you. While in high school my friend (we will call her Jane for privacy sake) dad died. He committed suicide in front of her by gun shot to the head. I think she was about 16 when it happened to her. It was while we were all out on Christmas break when we heard of the news. All of our friends showed to the funeral for Jane's support. When we arrived we were shocked to see that Jane was "fine". She was smiling and just being "her normal self". We were all young at the time and did not understand why she was okay with this after seeing such a traumatic event. She was fine for about 4 months and then just 1 day in class, she snapped. It all just crashed down on top of her. It was like it just hit her that her dad was gone. I look at it this way; everyone who grieves does so in their own unique way. Just because you are "ok" with it does not make how you feel "the wrong way to feel". It is your right as a human to grieve in your own way. There are no rules or laws to it. You may be fine forever and that is ok or maybe like my friend you will just one day not be fine and that is ok too. Just know that there have been others who have felt the same way. I hope that helps if even a little bit. There is nothing wrong with you. -Sharla

Lou Lou, Thank you very much for your response. I appreciate all of your thoughts and advice. I have been trying to find a way to tell him how I feel without either of us feeling uncomfortable or think about him dying. I have been working on a letter to give to him so far it has 1 paragraph. It is so hard to find words to express my love and appreciation for him without it sounding like a goodbye because the way I look at it is that he is still here and as long as he is, I am going to try to keep things as normal as possible. I try to make him smile and laugh everyday and when he is ill I try to comfort him and make him feel as best as can be. I have gotten past my denial of him being able to beat this despite the odds that his oncologist gave to us. I have accepted it and since I have accepted the fact that I am loosing my dad I have been quite emotional. My husband says I have been easily irritable and he thinks I should look into depression meds. I find myself getting angry with my husband because he still has both parents and does not understand me and him telling me that I need medication because I am sad or pissed off at the universe for hurting my dad is not helping. I am so glad that I have found this website! I feel like I can express my anger and sadness and anything else that this time in my life is making me feel like without judgment but with sympathy and understanding from people who have or are dealing with the same emotions. I thank you all! I feel like a billion pounds have been lifted off my shoulders just being able to talk about this. As far as my dad goes, his birthday was great! He was having a "good day" yesterday and he had a lot of friends call and stop by with gifts and cards and even an apple pie (his fave). I was very happy to have shared that with him. He truly is fantastic! I bought him a jump box ( it is like jumper cables except you don't need a car) his old one had recently died on him. He seemed to rather enjoy it. Thanks again ladies for all the kindness you have provided to me. Again, I truly appreciate all of you! -Sharla

Jodi - Thanks for your replies!! I am off work in about 2 hours and I will be going to get my dad a gift for his birthday. It is kind of hard because I don't quite know what to get someone who is dying. I will try my best though. I will be back on here later tonight though. I added you as a friend too!! -Sharla

Jodo, I am so very sorry for your loss. I cant imagine the day that my dad dies even though it will be sooner than wanted. My dad is terminally ill and I see a little part of him die everyday. He is not even gone yet and I cry about everyday. I am angry with the world and everyone has noticed. I have multiple messages from my dad saved to my cell phone so I will forever have his voice with me and telling me he loves me when I need to hear it. I feel that when it happens I will never recover from it either. He made me who I am and by him passing it will be like a part of me is too. I understand what you are going through because I feel the same way and I am sorry you feel this badly. Again sorry for your loss and if you ever need to chat I have MSN and we can chat all day long. I hope that with time your pain will start to ease away. - Sharla

Today is my dads birthday. I am finding it very hard to be excited for him. I realize that he is still here and that I should be thankful that he is (and I am) I just start to think that maybe next year by this time we will not be here with us and it hurts. I am going to buy him a gift after work and take it to my moms. I hope he is having a good day today as Easter was a bad day for him. It sucks to see your father who has always been the strongest person ever turn into something so weak. I have noticed since he has been diagnosed that every holiday when everyone is there he takes a step back and just becomes detached from everyone like he feels like we have forgotten about him. Anyway, I am starting to ramble. I just wanted to tell someone that it is my dads birthday and that I love him!

Annette, Thanks for your reply. I have been trying to do just that. It is very hard for me. I do it in front of him, I just cant help but freak out about it at night. His birthday is Tuesday and we are all struggling with the fact that this may be the last birthday we have him for. It is really crazy too because some days he looks so good (almost like the cancer has disappeared) then the very next day he feels sick and tired. Anyway, I am starting to ramble. Have a great day! -Sharla

Marty, Thank you for your time and your very helpful response. I am very interested in those books you mentioned and I think they will help me along the way. My dad does know of his illness and was doing the chemo thing to "prolong life" he is on a break from the chemo right now, but I feel like he has accepted the fact that he will die and is not up to giving anymore of a fight for life. My dad and I do NOT talk about his illness. I try to keep everything happy for him when I am around and at least make him forget about dying for a while. I am upset that he has given up (though I realize this is his right and his choice) I just want him to fight and it upsets me that he has chosen not to. So we don't talk about it. I don't want him to see me cry or see how hurt I am about it. The thought of him hurting because I am hurting kills me. I have things I want to say to him like I want to thank him for all he has done for my whole family and tell him I love him and that I am sorry for every single thing I ever did that may have hurt him when I was a kid and/or teenager. I just want him to die knowing that I look up to and love him and I want him to know how grateful I am for even being able to be graced by his presence. But I am not strong enough to tell him these things without crying and I don't want him to feel like I am telling him goodbye. I am very upset by this and according to my husband it is obvious through my attitude and my actions (I don't see it) He suggested counseling. I was actually looking for a place to just talk about it and so far, this seems to be helping. Thank you very much for listening to me! -Sharla

L, Thank you for your response. I am very sorry to hear about your dad. It is nice to know that I am not alone in this. I noticed getting it off my chest yesterday made me feel so much better. Just being able to express the hurt and anger I am feeling to people going through the same issues is very relieving. -Sharla

My name is Sharla and I am 25 years old. My step dad (who I claim as my dad) was diagnosed with stage 4 non-small cell lung cancer September 28th 2009. He is going to be 47 years old April 6th. I have 2 sisters, Amber is 22 and Kelsea is 16. I have always been the glue that holds my family together and lately I am falling apart. I know that my dad is dying and it is killing my inside. I never show him how badly I am hurt because I know it will make him hurt more and if my family sees me falling apart, everything will fall apart. I know I am suffering from anticipatory grief. I know he will die by the end of the year (or at least this is what the doctors have said). I hurt for him, I think he is scared to leave us girls here without him and that kills me inside. I am scared for my mom and my sister Kelsea as my dad is everything to the both of them the thought of my little sister hurting is gut wrenching to me. I feel like I could have prevented this and that since I have not that it is partially my fault. He came into my life after my dad left us and took over the position that my biological father chose not to. My dad opened the world to me in a whole new light. I have experienced snowmobiling, camping, hiking etc. He has helped me become “me”. I am not a “lovey” person. I don’t like to say it as it makes me uncomfortable but I feel almost obligated to tell him that I do a billion times a day. I just want to hug him and never release like that may save him from dying. Whenever I try to be happy, I feel bad for doing so because I should not be happy while my dad is scared and suffering. I am starting to doubt life and the point of it. I am not a religious person but if I was I would curse God. I really just wish there was a miracle that would fix this, I just know better. I am trying to hold it together but I lose it everyday when my husband is still at work and I feel like fire is running through my veins and I am unable to stop crying. I don’t feel comfortable talking to my family or my husband about how I am feeling because I don’t want them to feel sorry for me while this is going on. We have more important things to think about than my feelings. I just want someone to listen to me without judgment. Sorry this was written badly and everything I talk about is so sporatic, I am just not in my right mind today. Thanks! Sharla