Deb625

I'm sorry for you loss and agree with the majority here, that being "there" at the moment, doesn't take away from the person passing and their understanding and knowing how very much they were loved. I know for me, my husband died tragically from alcoholism (7 weeks ago), at first they said he died of a heart attack and even if I had been there, I probably couldn't have saved him (made me feel a little better), then the final autopsy report came and in the end it was determined he was in medical distress, collapsed and couldnt' make himself "safe" and died of suffocation - I still am not able to deal with the "if I was there, this wouldn't have happened", but I do know in my heart he knew how much I loved him and that gives me some solace in this unbeliveable world that I now live in.

Thank you all for your support and for this group of "like" people going through this journey. I am sorry for all our losses and thankful for the understanding that comes from all the posts here. I just wish we all didn't have to be going through any of this. I know I'm now 6 weeks into this journey and I'm still waiting for a good nights sleep, a day without tears, the simple will to cook a meal, and just hoping for a moment where I feel "human again" where I don't miss my Michael and our future we no longer have... Sincerely, Debby

The love of my life, my common-law husband, died at age 45 on May 16, 2010 and of course his affairs are not in order. There is and will be so much to do. As I take a step and another of this journey of doing things I shouldn't be doing, it just shatters me. Today, I made 3 phone calls just trying to change my Work Benefits Plan, removing Michael as my dependent and to change my beneficiary, by the 3rd person, I'm in tears, sobbing - they don't understand it is so hard to say out-loud, my husband has died over and over again to strangers... I've also in the morning had to "prove" our relationship by bringing documents to the Government offices, I know I'll have to do the same with regards to his work pension and once his Estate is in Probate, I then have to fight his sister (sole beneficiary of a will dated long, long ago) for my rights as his wife - luckily, the lawyers take care of that... However, each time I do anything, it's like ripping my heart out once again and it tears me apart. This just shouldn't be happening and I so just want to have a day of no tears, a night of solid sleep and just a little time where I don't feel so alone and lost without Michael. I don't understand, how he would leave me in such pain, with a broken heart and a soul not interested in life. I'm trying to be "strong", trying to keep busy, trying to "do" things, in everything it is just the motions, my heart and soul are suspended in the surreal land of grief. Everything just hurts. Thanks for listening. Deb

Beyond my everyday grieving for a life that is no longer to be, which is devasting in itself, I am also faced with the task of fighting for my rights as common-law wife of 8 1/2 years to a Will written long ago (1996) that leaves everything in my husbands "estate" to his sister. I told Michael I'd kill him if this happened and here it has... We were working on a new Will, but it was never completed. I have hired a lawyer and will fight under the Wills Variance Act (no person can die without leaving consideration to a spouse or child in BC). Had we been legally married, the Will would be automatically revoked, as this wasn't so, I have to have the grief of fighting "his" sister. This is the sister who provided no or negative support over the last 8 1/2 years, who hurt my partner in many ways and not just by lack of support ... I can't just let it go, for Michael and me (I just know too much, how he felt). But I have no idea at all where this path will lead... Has anyone else had this additional grief? I hate conflict, but don't see/feel there are other options. I'm trying to let go, which is why I hired a lawyer (tyring to leave it in their hands), but am still looking for direction/answers to where all this will go. It has only been 5 weeks and everything is all so raw, and this is a long way off, i.e. there is no official "claim" to be made until probate (at least 3 to 6 months down this road)... Thanks, Deb

I just wanted to add, my fathers fiance suggested going through "things" in the morning... My first attempt, caused a shut-down and I didn't touch anything else for days. The task is daunting and especially after work I just couldn't get to it. I managed a few boxes this morning (only 30 or so more to go) and it has been a little easier and I was not so stressed after work thinking of all I have to try to do... Just a suggestion... Take care, Deb

I'm in process of doing the same thing - except I had left my husband 6 days before he died (May 16th/10) and now have his life packed in boxes surrounding me in my new apartment (he died of a heart attack brought on by alcoholism at the age of 45 - I moved out so we would have a healthy start when he got well...). I gave his clothing, shoes and jackets to The Last Door - a recovery centre for young adults, I know he would approve - and now am sifting through his "things", he was a pack rat as well and there is just so much and with each box opened, I am drained. I need to get through them and make a new home, but it is tough. I am trying to be gentle and go slow, while I recognize I don't live well in chaos and need to see it through. When I get like I am today, and yesterday and the day before sobbing and crying - just missing him... I know it will all get done, maybe just not today... Thanks for posting. Love, Deb

Hi Nats, Thank you for your reply, I'm exhausted today, even though I had a fairly decent sleep, I just can't seem to shake the tiredness and just want to go and have a nap - I'm working at the moment, so that is just not possible... I'm sorry you lost your wife and glad that you stay strong in your grief. This is such a mixed up world that I could never have imagined being in. The journey of things I'm not to be doing is how I refer to it. My one regret is I do wish I'd stayed with Michael until he got into Detox (he was on a 3-5 week wait), however, I don't regret leaving as I was working on making us a better, healthier home - a home outside of addictions for him to come to when he got better and as such, I'm grateful, that I am at least not in our old apartment surrounded by the memories of illness. It is just another day of one step in front of the other... Thanks for listening, Deb

Hi Korina, I'm so sad for you, we all know who have lived with addictions you can't cure, didn't cause it and couldn't control it. I have no regrets leaving, we talked a lot and he wasn't getting better with me there and I was only getting worse (crying everyday). I do wich I'd stayed until he had got into detox, as I know he wouldn't have gone as far into his addictions with me there, but it is all hindsight. Our loss is tragic. My husband fought hard, but when the disease gripped him, it was over-powering. We never never gave up on our love, respect and committment to eachother, alcohol just simply won the battle. I do so hope he is at peace. My partner wrote in his rehab journals that he traded the bottle for a family, I traded a family for him. Your leaving him was a healthy choice and one for the sake of your daughter that had to be made - I'm sure Scott respected this. Having a child must make smiling now and again easier (children are so full of life and love), though I know it probably makes the loss harder at times too... You must hold dear that he was trying to be the man you knew and loved, and that you got a least a little while with him as he was meant to be (sober). Mike and I went to Bali and Taiwan in October when he had been sober for 8 months, it was wonderful and we had a magical time - he actually had two 45th birthdays with the time changes coming home(Oct 18th). We both agreed it was a trip of a lifetime - we just couldn't know it would be our last... It was when Michael felt good about life that addiction would scream back in. He started drinking again in November and within 6 months the alcohol took him away... Right now it is just one foot in front of the other and coping with each day... No one gives us a road-map as we just muddle through. My family is of great support, Michael's family is riddled with addiction and denial. It was always Michael's problem and therefore why should we have to support him? When Michael would drink again it would be "oh good, the boy can handle it again", this all hurt him deeply and he never could reconcile this pain. His family on the "out-side" are quite normal, it is only when you see inside that you got to see all the "cracks" and how utterly sick they were. The only good thing in this journey I'm living now is that his family is baggage I'll get to leave behind in the near future (i.e. once the Estate is settled), I will be glad when the day arrives... All the best to you and thanks for listening. Sincerely, Debby

Hi BW, I"m sorry for you loss, Cancer is an unforgiving disease and losing one's other half in life tragically is so painful. You mentioned you had gone to thereapy. Do you find one on one better or group? I know I have to deal with the both the trauma of addiction and then the death and know I'm going to need help with this. It is all too new and the pain to fresh at the moment, however in the coming months, I'll be seeking help somewhere.I just don't want to wake up in five yeare not having dealt with this. I know Michael wouldn't want me to be a mess like I am right now forever... Thank you, Debby

HI Nikki, Today is just one of those really bad days, I can't stop sobbing and I just want Michael back. We did have some sobriety, we went to Bali and Taiwan in October and spent 3 weeks together healthy and happy. I lived for those moments and so want them back. Michael was in rehab 3 times, I got together with him when he was sober for almost 2 years, the sobriety didn't last long, yet our love and connection did. I would have done anything to help him. When he came out of Rehab the last time April 2009, there was such hope and joy. He walked taller sober, he had such pride in himself, but with this disease, when they go back they go back to the worst they were and go further into it's depths, I tried to help, but found I was simply crying for him everyday and he hated to see me cry. I had to leave. To die 6 days later, before I had even unpacked, is so hard to deal with. I still hadn't come to terms with where "we" were going and still held hope, he was scheduled for Detox (a 3-5 week wait) and then was going to go to rehab again. He was finally going to "cut" the ties with his family (a unhealthy trigger - trauma triggers I called them) and simply there was such hope. We talked on the Saturday (he died on the Sunday) and there was such love, hope and encourgement... To leave me with this mess of what they call "grieving" is just not fair or right. Everything I do, think, feel has Michael attached, and it hurts, it hurts so much that I don't know if I can bear it. Everyone says how strong I am, and he's at peace and all those wonderful "trite" sayings, but I'm aching in pain. I try keeping just one foot in front of the other, but there are so many hours in between... No other person saw the ravages that addiction caused Michael, I was the one to take him to the hospital, I was the one calling the crisis line "what do I do", I was the one begging him to eat, to drink fluids, to stay alive. I would cry in his arms that I didn't want him to die and he would hold me and tell me it would be okay... And here I sit, devastated, crying and sobbing like I never have in my entire life and it is not okay. His family were no support or negative support and now I fight not to just scream at them (I do respect they are grieving too) I want to tell them how much their lack of support hurt him, but I can't. They could never "not" drink in his presence it was insane. And nothing was taken care of (the life of an addict), his Will dated 1996 leaves everything to his sister who he resented (as do I for the hurt he felt), and I'll have to fight to see the outcome of what is right i.e. his estate should come to me. I have to fight because it is what he wanted, but also to make sure those who hurt him are not rewarded as I know the pain they (Mother, Father and only Sister) caused him, I was there at his side when he cried. It is all so messed up and chaotic. I keep just getting through each day with a list of things I should never have to do and then I go to bed and I'm lonely, shattered and my heart aches. It should not have ended this way, there was way too much hope and promise, it just can't be happening, yet it is. I found Michael, he was laying on the floor, he had been bleeding, there were numerous bottles of Vodka and he was twisted unnaturally. I have the image emblazzoned in my mind and it is horrific. No one should have to find anyone in such trauama - yet, there is a part of me that says if I didn't actually see it, I wouldn't believe it was real. I know if I hadn't gone by it would have been days or weeks before anyone found him. I take some comfort he wasn't alone for too long. Though even seeing it, I still can't believe it is real. I go to my sisters for Fathers Day tomorrow, my family has been a great support and I'm glad for an event to get me outside of my head - because all I really want to do is hide away and pretend this isn't happening. The why me's are so prevalent. How can I be a widow at 43? How could I have gone down the journey of addictions for 8 1/2 years and not have a reward i.e. have Michael at my side sober? This isn't fair and it is not right and I don't want anything to do with it, but it is foisted on me without it being my choice and I'm supposed to go on, be strong, just get through one day at a time... Yet days like today, I can't imagine... I just so want him back. I'm so sorry you had to go through a parallel experience. I tell my friends, I have okay days and not so okay days, here's hoping tomorrow is a little better... Thanks for listening. Debby

My common-law husband was just 45 when he passed. He had struggled with addictions for over 10 years, I was with him for over 8 1/2 of those years. Friends would ask why I didn't leave and I would always say, how can you leave someone you love to die? He was terminally alcoholic and I spent the previous 3 months crying everyday for him to get help, yet still the alcohol took hold and just wouldn't let him go. I finally had to leave the home as I couldn't go on watching him. However, the plan was he would get help and come live with me in my new home - leaving his house of "addiction" behind. He was on a "wait" list for detox and had plans to return to Rehab. I finally left him on May 10th and he died of a heart attack May 16th, I found his body on May 18th tortured by the disease. This was a very kind, loving man, who had a smile that would light up a room, he played beautiful guitar was kind and generous. He was the love of my life, when he was addicted he simply "isolated", we never fought, we always held much love and respect for eachother. I did a lot of learning about addictions over the years, more information than I ever needed to know. I now feel like my heart has been ripped out and is shattered in a million pieces. I pray to God everyday to jut give him back - every piece of me wants to feel his arms around me telling me it will be okay, like he'd done 100's of times before and he's not there. I know my Michael, and he wouldn't leave me in this pain. It hurts so bad, that I feel this simply cannot be true. Logically, I know it is, but soulfully, he just can't be gone. How can I at age of 43 be a widow? In everything I do, he is in my thoughts and I just feel so empty that e is not here to share my thoughts, dreams and plans for the future. His family contributed to his lack of success as they are alcholics too, they even refused my request to NOT have alcohol at his service and in the end we had to have 2 services (it's sick), then he left a will dated 1996 leaving everything to his sister, whom he resented for her lack of support and many other family issues (I know too much)- which I now have to fight. Meanwhile, here I sit today in my new home, where I hadn't even finished unpacking myself when he passed and I now have sinced moved all his belongings into my house - filling the house with boxes that only I can go through. The chaos is insane and and there is no order in life right now. I can't work, I can't sleep, I can't eat and I cry at the drop of a hat on a good day. On a bad day, I'm simply racked with sobs and in bed all day. Luckily, I do have lots of support surrounding me, but they don't understand the long road I lived and how hard it was to leave him and then the affect of his death on me in such a short time span, it's devastating, it isn't right and I don't know how to fix it. All the saying time will heal, he is not suffering now, he is at peace are all so trite when all I want is him back. I fought so hard for his sobriety, our life can't have this kind of tragic ending. Alcohol can't win, it's simply not fair...