Deb625

Hi Cheryl, Your thoughts are inspirational and your strength to be admired. I'm sure I'll come back to this post again and again. Thank you for sharing. Deb

Hi Suzanne, This new life we are in isn't a choice, there isn't right or wrong. This is how you feel today, it may not be how you feel tomorrow. I know today I'm sad, yesterday I was sad, however, I like to think that tomorrow is a new day and that I have to give it, it's own chance to see where it goes. I don't know who said it but the quote "The only contant in this world is change" had it right... If today is a day you make it through one breath at a time then that is okay, tomorrow it may be a minute, the next an hour and the next one step after the other. Be gentle with yourself - you are grieving and like most of us here you are just plain mad and sad that your loving spouse is not here with you while you go through this pain. I believe we don't get over it, we get through and as I said somedays it is one second at a time - and that's okay. We are all here with a common-bond, but we all heal and grieve to the beat of our own drum. I know in my heart I would cope so much better with all of this if I just got a good nights sleep - at some point this will happen for me I'm sure, just not today. Take care of yourself, try to eat and sleep. Sincerely, Deb

Hi Korina, you've been so strong and come through so much... As my father said to me "you've lost a piece of yourself", it will be a very long time before you come to terms with it. In time it is meant to all get easier (I'm still waiting), however, that doesn't mean we will "forget" or stop missing the people who meant so much to us and were such a huge part of our lives and our heart. I can imagaine 20 years from now, crying over what may hav been... Hopefully just not as much or often as today. Take care, be gentle with yourself... Deb

Melina, just simply write, vent, scream, cry as much as you want. We are all going through this together and the grief, the loss is simply not something that "fixes" itself in a day, week, month or even year. I'm only 3 months into this new world I didn't choose and I can tell you that I think I'm out of the "fog", that I think I'm over the "shock", but I in no way have come to terms with this new life and still hope it is not really real... Your heart is broken and it hurts. Share how you feel here, save any strength you have for your children, we'll all listen and try to help you through - as your shares help us... Take care, Deb

I'm posting this on my fridge... Please don’t ask me if I'm over it yet; I'll never get over it. Please don't tell me he's in a better place; He's not here with me. Please don't say he isn't suffering anymore; I haven't come to terms with why he had to suffer at all. Please don't tell me how you feel; Unless you've lost someone in the same way. Please don't ask me if I feel better; Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up. Please don't tell me at least you had him for so many years; What year would you like your loved one to die? Please don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear. Please just say you're sorry. Please just say you remember my loved one if you do. Please mention my loved one's name. Please be patient with me when I am sad. Please just let me cry. Author Unknown.

This is a new world we live in. All our hopes and plans for the future are ripped away from us. The reality is we have to learn to live a new life and it is by no means easy. People around us who (gratefully) haven't lost a spouse don't quite get that your "entire" life has changed. Going from being "two" to being "one" not by "choice" but by tragedy is just not fair. We can only try to take just a little step at a time, and then another, try to do the basic of "things" a breath at a time and maybe, eventually we will get to a point we are "living" again. I'm now 3 months into this world of grief and I pray to God everyday to just give my Michael back - it is not to be and I continue life just putting one foot in front of the other, hoping that one day I will feel okay - it is not today, and won't be tomorrow - but one day it just may happen. I know my Michael wouldn't want me to be sad forever - yet I won't ever understand how he could have left me to live in such pain (he was a gentle soul) - losing someone you love, your other half, the love of your life is simply tragic and not fair - but there is a part that screams we are still alive and we matter in this world... Love, Deb

Thanks Korina, I just feel at a loss as I have a mate here from the UK (he's come every year for the last 20 years and has always stayed with me for his 4 to 5 week trips), and heard from another friend how he feels "helpless" to help me. It makes me feel guilty for all the tears I've shed. I've known this man for over 20 years and he is a true friend. It's just hard to think that I'm a "burden". Meanwhile the selfish part of me thinks "suck it up buttercup", this is my world right now (he was a friend of Michael's for many, many years as well). I know he loves me - tears and all... guess, I'm at the point where I feel pulling the "widow card" is tiring... Not that I've got through this, but everyone else has gone back to their "normal live"... Do we just "pretend" we're okay so everybody else feels "okay"? Or do we keep being a burden? It is hard, because I'm simply not okay - yet.

Hi Melina, All I can say is it is bloody hard, you will get through this, and it hurts. Let yourself grieve, and don't pretend (for others) "this" hasn't happened. This tragedy has occured and while you will get through it, it will take time and not just 15 days or 3 weeks or 3 months, there is no time measure. We are all same-same, but different. It's been 3 months for me and I truly had in my head (at the start of this journey) that I'd be better, I was kidding myself and my heart. I do hope that soon I will start to sleep again and feel "normal", I just know it isn't today and probably won't be tomorrow, I'm okay with that - though like everyone on this forum, I would give anything to have my life back before the love of my life went away... It however, isn't to be and I'm grateful for the people on this forum - they acknowledge for me all of these feelings of loss, anxiety, aloneness, fear, anger are "normal" in this new "grieving world" we live in... Be gentle with yourself. Take care, Deb

I'm now just past the 3 month mark since I lost my Michael (he was 45) and I just feel like a broken record telling my "story" again and again. I know no one want to hear again and again how much I loved him, miss him and can't fathom a life without him - they loved him too; however they are in reality back to their own lives. I feel like I'm doing the best job that I can in getting through this, but the loss is so different to other people i.e. yes, the loved Michael and yes they miss him, but they don't understand that for me it's not just weekends and holidays that I realize he's not around for me it is every day, every minute. They don't get that going to bed at night without a good night kiss and a conversation is dibilitating, they don't understand that you now have to actually create a new life one where you are suddenly (not by choice) alone (grocery shopping, cooking....). I don't know what to do. Do you start ignoring this "world" and just pretend everything is okay and that this terrible "thing" didn't happen? Or do you stay the course and put the people you love through your grief (they do love me and hate to see me hurt). I guess I just feel "guilty" hearing back from other friends that "so and so" loves you and is trying to help, but is so powerless to help (and they are - It's me going through this - I get that). I know how important it is to reach out, but I guess what I'm asking is what are we supposed to do about the guilt making others go through this journey with us?

All I can say is take deep breaths, and one small step or moment at a time. Keep care of yourself, try to eat. You've just lost a big part of yourself (your hopes and dreams for the future) and from what I'm learning (I lost my partner May 16/10) is you will never get over it, but you will learn day by day, with a small step in front of another small step, to live with it and develop a as new being. When we join this group (that is forced upon us), we understand life has changed from what we once knew... Be gentle with yourself and feel what you need to feel it is all okay. Love, Deb

Excellent news Nats - God Bless. Sincerely, Debby

Hi Marion Claire, It is 3 months today that my Michael (age 45) left this world and I just can't stop the tears from flowing. I honestly thought I'd be over the crying/sobbing dibilitating part of this journey and gave this date as my bench mark to start searching for a counselor to begin counseling in Sept. I started the search for a Psychologist by calling my husbands addictions doctor for a recommendation, it hurt to find out the receptionist (who knew Michael for over 10 years) wasn't aware he had died (his Doctor knew and had called me in condolences). I've since sent emails to their recommendation and another person I know in the field of grief/addictions - so I've done something today i.e. made a start. I then went to Costco to purchase something I needed for someone else and then wandered the aisles thinking I don't need anything from this place anymore as it is just me to buy for - everything thing I do just simply hurts and tears my heart apart. Right now I feel like I'm the only person in the world that remembers Michael and remembers that he's gone. It is just so sad and I feel so alone. I also don't know when it will end and my life alone will have future... I do hope the time will be soon as I really am tired of feeling so bereft. It is now 3pm and I think iI'll just go to bed and see if tomorrow will be a better day. Sorry, I'm not offering any help, just adding to the perspective that we're both having the same/same but different day. Thanks for listening, Deb

Hi Melina, I lost my Michael 3 months ago tomorrow at the age of 45. I understand that the quiet after the funeral is done is deafening and the support and phone calls do subside, everyone seems to go back to their lives and I feel we are left in the fog which is now our new existence. All I can say is to keep reaching out for support of your family and friends you'll probably be the one who has to ask for support, as unfortunately, we don't get what we don't ask for - people just don't understand, unless they have gone through this grief, but I know they do want to help and will help if asked. Even if it is someone to sit with or talk to or just go for a walk... Anything to get outside of our own heads for just a little while can be good. Another sugggestion a friend made to me was to write what I was feeling on paper and then burn the paper. I know I was blessed to have 2 friends overseas, outside of the immediate chaos, that I just kept writing to usually in the wee hours when I couldn't sleep, and luckily enough they were supportive and kept listening as I went through the worst of it. It was nice to communicate with friends who understood (they had both lost their fathers) and weren't here. Just like having this group, people here all understand and listen and reading the posts of others going through the same thing also helps to realize this physical pain in our heart, this lonliness, the anxiety and sometimes anger is all normal. Take care and be gentle with yourself, if you need to talk, cry or rant, feel free to contact me anytime harmonymd@gmail.com we're all here learning together how to cope with this new life. Sincerely, Deb

Hi Jennifer, It is all just so hard and it is still amazing to me how much one person can cry, how many tears can be shed. It will be 3 months since my Michael left and I haven't had a day yet without tears and wishing for God to just give him back. There is the logical mind and the emotional heart. The logical mind tells us this has really happened and the emotional heart says it can't be true. My Michael was never cruel, how could he leave me in such pain? The reality is, this is so very hard. Try to be gentle with yourself and just take each day or moment one baby step at a time. Reach out for love and support from family, friends and this site. Know that everyone here understands and shares your pain and heartache. Take care, Deb

Stairway, I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. I too lost my Michael to addictions on May 16th/10, it will be 3 months on Monday since I found him. I had left Michael on 10 May 2010 as I too could no longer watch the man I love destroy himself. We were together for over 8 1/2 years. Our 9th anniversary was 12 Aug 10. My Michael isolated as well, he hated what alcohol did to him and what it did to me watching. We cried together many times. When I left, it was so he would reach his bottom and get help. The plan was for him to get healthy, me to get healthy and for us to be together again whole. He survived 6 days on his own. There is much guilt, I should have waited until he got into detox (he was on a 3 to 5 week wait list) - but I do know I didn't cause his addictions, I couldn't cure them and I couldn't control them. It is not your fault, nor is it mine. It is just a tragedy we now have to live through. My Michael's family never supported him in recovery, which was a big hurt to Michael. I've since had to cut ties with his family as they have decided that I am not to be considered his wife with respect to his estate, as I had left him. It just adds so much extra hurt to my life to realize they don't respect the huge part I was as Michael's (common-law) wife and in turn direspects the huge part of their life I was. It is all so sad. What I keep trying to focus on is that Michael was so much more than his addictions, that he was the man who made me laugh everyday, who loved me like no other and I him. He was smart, talented and interested in making the world a better place. My Michael had such a brilliant smile and was always kind. There are many of us who have lost our spouses to addictions on this site. All I can say is take all the love and support you can from the people around you, from this site. Keep taking deep breaths and just keep putting one foot in front of the other to get through each day. It will be hard, but as you can see from others who post on this site, we will get through this. I don't feel, we get "over" our loss, we eventually learn to live a new life. Take care, Deb

Hi Melina, our thoughts an prayers are with you through the funeral and beyond. One thing I've learned is we are stronger than we ever imagined and we will get through things we never thought we could. Hang in, take deep breaths and just keep everything simple - one step at a time. Take care, Deb

Today would be the 9th year anniversary for Michael and I and almost 3 months (Aug 16) that I have lived without him. I still cry and sob everyday and keep praying to God to just give him back. This life is just not fair. No one will know what today is except Michael and I. I'll just say a little prayer for his safe keeping, cry some more and simply just hope to get through it - one moment at a time... I'm so sorry for all our our losses that have brought us here. In grief, Deb

Hi Jennifer, I'm so sorry for your loss and also share your pain. I lost my partner at age 45 on May 16/10 and the pain you speak of, the aching in your chest, I feel too. I would never have imagined the emotional pain that comes with grieving the loss of the love your life nor would I ever have imagined the physical hurt that partners with it. I would never have imaginged how many tears a person can cry. This group is great, as we are all walking through the same world of grief - some longer than others and some newer than us and we're all here to support and listen... It is sad to be here, however, good to have an outlet where people don't think we're crazy and a place where we are not expected to "get over it" - we are all here together just trying to work through it. Be gentle with yourself. Take care, Deb

Hi JCT, I am so sorry for your loss, this is a great site of kind and understanding "like" people who are with you in your grief. This new life we live and it is not fair that we have to be here. I lost my husband at the age of 45 on May 16/10, we were together for 8 1/2 years his death was a tragic ending to a beautiful life and I'm still on the roller coaster of emotions, hoping for a day without sobs and just maybe tears. I know I hurt and feel physical pain every hour of everyday and still can't imagine life on my own. Just hang in, put one foot in front of the other, take care of yourself and your baby and know that others share your pain and are here to help you any way we can. Sincerely, Deb

I loved to cook and Sunday morning Michael and I would watch the cooking shows or go on-line and find something creative to make, now, I'm eating "ready meals" from the supermarket, a step above the take-aways I started with. When I go to the supermarket, I always seem to have a anxiety attack the tears start and I just brace myself, get in and get out and go home. I can't seem to shop, never mind cook - the thought of it being for "one" just does me in. I have a friend coming from the UK for 5 weeks next Tuesday, I am so hoping having company will "fix" this... Take care Debby

Hi Michelle, my husbands addictions doctor called me when he had heard Michael had died and SCREAMED at me "IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT" you too have to learn to believe this, and I know there are lots of would have, should have, could have's that go through our minds, I feel they do with any death, because loss is simply so painful and in the case of the addict so unnecessary. I had a really bad day day before yesterday where I sobbed the whole day and night and finally took half a sleeping pill at 3am to finally get some sleep. The loss is simply overwhelming sometimes and people don't understand that for me anyways, I have almost panic attacks trying to do everyday things such as walking into a supermarket, just the thought of shopping for one sends me into a tailspin. My friends are all going to a blues festival and greatly looking forward to us all getting together. This is a festival that Michael and I went to for over 10 years, I have to go as I should "life goes on", but I am so filled with anxiety over being there without Michael, I may just get there and then run home (it's 2 1/2 hours away). How I'll cope I don't know. I know the only reason I will go is it is with friends and family I've known for over 20 years so there's nothing that I could do to offend them and they are there to support me in my tears. I am not looking forward to it. I'm sorry his family isn't supportive, Michael's is, however, only as they know how. They have never accepted his "disease" and therefore are in denial of the role they played. It hurt Michael very much and I blame much of the ending on them and their inability to support him. I don't share how I feel with them, I do recognize they are grieving too - it is something they will have to bear one day and only when they come to terms with all of this and it will come most likely when they one day admit their own addictions (if ever), it is not my burden to carry. I have good friends and family that are supportive and most that also understand the disease. With your friends and family, keep reaching out, I know it's hard and the thoughts of "isolating" are much easier, we don't want to burden people with our grief, however, I don't think pretending is good either - I need to listen to this advice myself as I know I want and tend to hide away... This group is great and allows us to talk freely, to know were not crazy, to know were not the only ones that feel this hurt and pain - just wish we didn't have to be here... Well, as with all days, it is one foot in front of the other and I must make my feet get out of the house and make it to the office. Thanks for listening, Deb

Hi Michelle, I'm sorry for your loss. It is so crippling and I so wish to have my life the way it was such a short time ago... It is a nightmare that we have to face and somehow are supposed to rise above, I'm still at the point 2 months in that I don't have a clue on how you go about this. It all just hurts and hurts more than anything I've ever had to go through. Dying of addictions is somehow so wrong, as there is always so much hope for recovery and their lives are cut short from something they could have changed - not that for the addict change is easy, but it is not a fatal disease - it just can be a fatal disease i.e. there is a cure if the person has the will, ability and support around them. Michael's father on the weekend said he feels it was "fate", "when your time is up,it's up". I later thought this thinking makes it so easy for him, he doesn't have to think that if he offered any support (they (parents and only sister) offered little or negative support to their son), Michael's recovery (when he was in recovery), would have been stronger and his "fate" may have changed... And if his fate changed, then maybe I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be lonely, I would still have my best friend and love of my life with me. I just miss him, every waking hour of every day. It is hard, this grieving and I'm trying to be gentle and patient however, it all just hurts. I'm sorry you've had compounded issues with your personal life - job and location - hopefully this will sort itself out - I'll send positive thoughts your way. Take care and thanks for listening, Deb

Hi all, I actually did get a call a few days after Michael had passed away. I was in the truck with my brother-in-law and we heard a strange ring on a cell (I had 3 going at the time, he had his one). I said, must be one of mine (I had my personal, my work and Michael's cell all at the time) and I'd check when I got into the house... It was Michael, a message that I had received a week before, that "bounced" back to his cell#. It was about moving a piece of furniture (something mundane), and in the message he said he wouldn't be there, but if I needed him, to call... The message only "saved" for 10 days and eventually deleted itself. I don't know how many times I listened to it in that time. I know I was crushed when the message was gone. Michael's apparition has now also come to me twice, once he brought me frozen strawberry yoghurt and once was walking to his side of the bed with a glass of milk -I could see it was him, however, have yet to see his face, nor share any words. I'm still waiting... Deb

I'm just 2 months into this process today and can't believe Michael has now been gone from my life that long. I keep looking at the calendar and wondering why it hasn't got any easier. The pain is the same, the heartache the same, the uncontrollable sobbing the same. I want a magic wand that allows me to live. I want small things like just a day with only tears. I could never, ever, have imagined, that I would feel so lost and heart-broken. I logically understand, that I have lost not only my love, but the future we had and I understand that only someone who has felt this loss understands it. I spoke with Michael's father today and all I heard was it was "fate", "when your time is up, it is up" - he doesn't "get" my grief (not that I expected he ever, in a million years would). My friends and family "try", bless them. However, I know in my heart, it will be a long time before I heal and that time is just not today, won't be tomorrow and only time will tell me when... For now, I am grieving and only Michael could "fix" the pain I'm in and he is no longer with me... Thanks for listening, Deb

Hi Korina, Addiction is a cunning, baffling disease that no-one should have to go through and very painful to watch. I know for my Michael, the disease "tricked" him over and over again and once it grabbed hold of his mind, he wasn't capable of making sound, healthy choices. Those living outside of addictions see only the hurt they cause us and the selfishness of the addict, they don't see and can't fathom the pain the addict goes through hurting themselves and those they love and they don't realize that they simply don't have the ability to "just stop", not without full support of those around them and a network of professionals and even then it is hard for them to reach out and accept their disease. I know my Michael tried, he fought for sobriety, but then "it" the disease would grab him again. Michael "isolated" in addictions, which made it so much harder for him to reach out and take the support around him and he also lived with no support or negative support from his immediate family (his trauma triggers I referred to them as), which I can't imagine - I have a good, healthy support network. It is all so sad. Logically, I know I didn't cause it, couldn't cure it and definitely couldn't control Michael in his addictions, I think I let go of that blame a long time ago, with a lot of help and understanding of the world of the addictions. It doesn't make watching someone you love die any easier and I know I always held such hope for him and for us and the life we should be living - like you I had periods with him in sobriety and got to be with the man I know, cherish and love. Michael was kind,loving, funny, smart, talented (he played beautiful guitar and painted as well) - he was so much more than his addictions. The pain losing him and the reality that he is not here to hold me in his arms and tell me it will all be okay, is still so unbearable and simply not fair. I so want for him to be at peace, but at the same time I just want him back - I had a future with Michael, now, I have no future and just pain in my soul and my heart is broken. I've now lived for 7 weeks without Michael, it hasn't gotten easier and I just finished yet another box of tissues... Living is simply one day at a time and placing one foot in front of the other. I am so sorry for your loss and grateful for this site of "like" people to share with, it is good to see the strength and promise that while our loved ones will never be forgotten, perhaps one day, we may find peace and a future again - for me, that time is just not today... Take care and be gentle with yourself, Deb