Deb625

Hi Melina, there are the firsts such as holidays, anniversaries etc. that kind of slap us with the reality our life has changed, but there are so many triggers... Today I read a facebook post I made on my 43rd birthday (5 months before Michael died) - I said to a mate that the Pension Plans CPP/OAP don't seem so far away... I read that post and bawled. I now get a "survivor's" pension through CPP - widowed at 43 - it is just so wrong. I cried at my dentist office recently - in the office. I had a dental check-up and went home to find Michael's body - I should probably change dentists,as going there will always be associated with "that day". The waves will come through sights, sounds, feelings. As we come through each one, they will get a little easier and as time passes I hope I'll be able to smile instead of cry. You've come through so much and will continue as you keep placing one foot in front of the other, just keep faith that tomorrow will be a better day. Take care, Deb

Dear Hap, I'm so sorry for you loss and glad you found this site - a place we are all so very grateful for, though would all prefer not to be on. I know for me that I did a tremendous amount of "things" in the first 3 months - I honestely don't remember - our bodies protect us through the shock and we move forward getting through the funeral, paperwork, everything this widow world thrusts upon us. My father said you have lost a piece of you - a large piece. It is so true. We now live alone, without our best friend and partner to share our day with, our future has changed - it is hard, it hurts, it is not fair. We do get through. It will be 10 months tomorrow since my Michael passed. The tsunami's of grief still come, not quite so often, somedays the grief is just gentle waves... I haven't had a day without tears and simply miss Michael - of course I do, he was a part of my everyday for years and years. We are all here learning simply step by step and sometimes breath by breath... Be gentle with yourself, take support anywhere you can, try to eat, sleep, drink plenty of water - you will feel, it is painful and it is okay, you won't "get over", however, you will get through, when days are sad, always remember tomorrow is another day... Take care, Deb

I think Sundays are the worst simply because over the weekend we just have too much time to think, grieve and miss our loved ones - to think of the things we would be doing. Sunday then becomes the day of grief exhaustion. We then have to head into the week with "things we must do", which does keep our minds outside of our heads and hearts - even if it is just for a little while... Trying to keep busy helps, it doesn't take away that are partner and best friend isn't there to be with us - just being... Take care, Deb

Good for you, while you may look at it as sad right now as you were on your own, you have gone through another first, the next time won't be as hard and the next a little easier - you may just be surprised that one day you enjoy yourself- this is a journey of many, many steps and they are hard, but the reality is life is going on around us and while it is easier to live in a "grief" bubble, we do have to try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Be proud of yourself. Take care, Deb

This is a post from freshWidow.com by written by SupaDupa, I don't think she'd mind my sharing... How do you know when you're turning the corner on grief?, they ask. There's hope and confusion in their eyes. And who wouldn't want the pain to end? But I can't lie and say, "On day one of year two, you will be all fixed up." I would never say that; they believe it anyway. (I believed it too. We must all make it up with our good imaginations.) And you can't tell them time makes any difference, even though it's totally true, because they will hit you. I might say, "give it time," and "I'm not sure there's really a corner, but you will feel better one day." Here's what it felt like to be turning the corner on grief: I had more good days than bad days. I started to get ideas about things I wanted to do next. I began to feel that my loss was not the worst thing that ever happened to anyone. I had urges to see friends, exercise, clean up, and change things around. I started to be able to help other people. Some people mention that they start to be able to see things in colour again, or they start to taste food again (which usually results in their being disgusted that they ate Cheerio's for dinner 6 months straight, but whatever. Accept and move on!) I think what's important is knowing that for most of us, it's not dramatic, nor even a single event. (We say "grief is not linear," but seriously, is anything in life linear?) For most of us, we say we feel like we're going "two steps forward, one step back," (often, "two back and one forward"). We say it's a bumpy road, or a rollercoaster. We say it's better when the peaks are higher and the valleys are less low. Most valuable is knowing that the time scale is incredibly long: no matter how long "grief" lasts, it's not unusual for it to take several years to get to a stable place where you smile a lot. But it's not linear: you're not inconsolable and disabled and an open wound the entire time. You keep changing and the world keeps moving too, and sometimes you are in sync with it. Sometimes you can find a perfect metaphor even if it doesn't QUITE fit. This story about the wonderful Frog and Toad (by Arnold Lobel) captures at least one tiny bit of it perfectly: that progress happens when things just keep moving along, however they will, and whatever you think you're looking for, keep your eyes open to the world around you. My daughter hates it when story time makes me cry but these gentle little reptiles always get me in the gut. Toad has been soaked in the rain, and Frog shares a story about how his father told him to buck up, "spring is just around the corner:" "I wanted Spring to come. I went out to find that corner. I walked down a path in the woods until I came to a corner. I went around the corner to see if Spring was on the other side." "And was it?" asked Toad. "No," said Frog. "There was only a pine tree, three pebbles and some dry grass. I walked in the meadow. Soon I came to another corner. I went around the corner to see if Spring was there." "Did you find it?" asked Toad. "No," said Frog. "There was only an old worm asleep on a tree stump." (I love that worm. I love Frog and Toad so much). And so on. Four corners, and spring is not around any of them. Disappointed, tired, Frog heads home as it starts to rain. "When I got [home]," said Frog, "I found another corner. It was the corner of my house." "Did you go around it?" asked Toad. "I went around that corner, too," said Frog. "What did you see?" asked Toad. "I saw the sun coming out," said Frog. "I saw birds sitting and singing in a tree. I saw my mother and father working in their garden. I saw flowers in the garden." "You found it!" cried Toad. "Yes," said Frog. "I was very happy. I had found the corner that Spring was just around." And why do I love this? Because what makes spring come... is not so much the effort it takes to look around all those corners (although doing so is unavoidable) ... but the work it takes to plant a garden. So keep hope in your eyes... but keep those peepers open, peeps, especially when things are changing. Spring's a-comin'. It will be 10 months since my Michael passed this coming week, I still cry everyday and would give anything to have him back. I know I haven't turned the corner yet and don't see the flowers, but by keeping one foot in front of the other, I am hoping that day will come... Take care, Deb

Thank you Sharon3, there is a part of me that understands that to feel such sorrow, loss and pain means I had to have had love and as sad as I feel and as bereft as I feel at times, I know I couldn't have such feelings if I hadn't felt love and I do know there are people who have never had such priveledge (we do give what we receive). Thanks for posting. Take care, Deb

I am almost 10 months into this world I did not want to be in. It is truly awful to lose a spouse, the pain unbearable at times, I know I have felt what I only read about - i.e.a human heart can truly feel pain to the extent that I've had to catch my own breath. It is horrible to live in the pain that their loss has inflicted upon us and especially the pain to our hearts. I recognise my pain is real, my grief is real, all what I thought of as my future is gone and I am now alone. The lonliness is sometimes unfathomable - is that what I hate most? I don't know. I do question who does it serve to live in this pain? Does it serve the one we love that has passed? Do they want us to live in sorrow? I know my Michael would hate to see me in such pain. How do I overcome and find the will to truly live and to find joy? I can only hope and pray that what happened yesterday has a greater meaning in for my WHOLE life and recognize that my life is not over... I don't have any answers, but keep placing one foot in front of the other and hoping that tomorrow is a better day... It is hard. Take care, Deb

Beautiful, Thank you - Deb

Hi Dave, I'm so sorry for you loss. In understanding our loss, our grief, our lonliness and sometimes anger we allow ourselves to grieve and I feel we must. However, as Nats said, we also have to think would our spouse want us to be living in such sorrow? It is difficult and I think we'd all agree that weekends when we have "more" time, it is harder... For me I write a very small list of "things" to do, if I get through them all it's a big pat on the back, if I don't, I be gentle and just focus that tomorrow is another day. From what I understand is by the simple act of "trying" to move forward, just placing one foot in front of the other, by reaching out and getting out of our own head that may lessen the intense feeling of loss, with that the spark may just one day come back - we can't plan for it,it just has to happen. It doesn't mean we will forget our loss, or that we won't feel our loss, just that we have found a little piece of ourselves that was perhaps hidden within the pain... Take care, Deb

I know what helps me is I have a ring of Michael's on my finger... It could be a picture in your wallet, a piece of jewellery that is special, a stone you picked up on the beach together... I find it helps to have something I can touch - a little something of his (or yours that he gave you) that you can have with you to simply remind you that your spouse is there with you... I don't think I could get through half of what I have, without that ring on my finger (I might add that it is too big and threatens to fall off and get lost). For whatever reason, it helps me - a little piece of him to know he is there with me, through all my many challenging moments... So when I "do" something Michael should be here for, or see something he should be seeing - he is there... Just thought I would share. Take care, Deb

I remember when I was new to this journey that one of my long time friends took great offense to my reply when turning down a dinner invite that I just wasn't up to "making-face". I simply didn't want to be in a group of people when my world was upside down and I was beside myself in grief. I had never imagined that she would not understand... We were friends for over 20 years, our friendship has dissolved through my grief. It may come back over time,and I hope it does, however, for now that lack of understanding hurt and what I'm going through I just can't make someone else understand. There were other events that I did make effort to go to, one as my girlfriend said - it would "just be bad business" not to attend a festival we had all attended for over 10 years... While it was very painful to go, it was good of me to make the effort for those who have supported me, it was also good to get out of my own head and be a part of life - did I enjoy myself, no - did I go to bed early and cry myself to sleep absolutely. Was it good to go for me? probably not. Was it good for me to go for my friends? yes. I think it is easy to live in the bubble of grief, (I would be embarrassed to say just how many days I've spent in bed). Is it a healthy place to be? Probably not. However, I respect that we have to look at ourselves and how we feel, we have to take care of ourselves first and foremost through this and that means being gentle, not forcing ourselves to do things we know will be too stressful and too painful. This is a journey of many, many steps and with each one it is just to place one foot in front of the other... Take care, Deb

One of Michael's doctor phoned after he died and screamed at me "IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT". It was pretty harsh at the time, but if you knew the Doctor, it was to be expected. That phone call has since helped me a lot. Death is tragic and there is no right time for anyone to die and when they are taken too soon, it is devastating... There are lots of what if's and why's, but the reality is the death happened, it is not right nor fair, hopefully with support and love from friends, family and this group, slowly we can get through this and learn to appreciate and embrace the love shared... Be gentle with yourself. Take care, Deb

It is true that those who have not experienced the loss of a spouse can empathize, but to truly understand losing your other half, your best friend, your future is sometimes unbearable. It is the small stuff that seems to hurt the most - i.e. no one to talk to when I get home, no one to share accomplishments, no one to cook for (I used to love to cook and still can't cook for one...). I believe, we don't get over it, we get through it and that time will eventually heal, however, there is no set time line and we will all come through at our own speed... I'm sure I'm like most here - the first 3 months were an absolute blur, the first 6 months were still full of wracking, uncontrollable sobs, at 9 1/2 months, I still cry everyday and "waves" hit me where I am still dibilitated in grief... We just need to be gentle, feel what we need to feel and keep trying to take care of ourselves (eat,drink lots of water, try to exercise and get out and participate in life). I don't think any of us want to be sad forever and I know our love will always be there with us in memory and in everyday life. This is a journey no one wanted to be on, however, I want to believe and hold onto that I don't want be sad forever. I feel that if I just keep trying to move forward (and really there is not much choice), that I will one day realize that I do feel alive and can feel joy again... It just may not be today. Take care, Deb

This was a poem dedicated to me during Michael's Memorial. It is still difficult for me to read and difficult for me to grasp (I'm not there yet)... At the time the context was conveyed that it is okay to be sad for now, but try so very hard not to be sad forever and to know our loved one will always be there as a part of our life... If I die, survive me with such a pure force you make the pallor and the coldness rage; flash your indelible eyes from south to south, from sun to sun, till your mouth sings like a guitar. I don’t want your laugh or your footsteps to waver; I don’t want my legacy of happiness to die; don’t call to my breast: I’m not there. Live in my absence as in a house. Absence is such a large house that you’ll walk through the walls, hang pictures in sheer air. Absence is such a transparent house that even being dead I will see you there, and if you suffer, Love, I’ll die a second time.

Hi Melina, I have an 8 x 10 pic of Michael - the one we placed at his memorial up and have since his memorial. It is in my bedroom and comforts me as I know when I look at his smiling face - what is not in the picture is his arm around me... I also watch the memorial CD we did of Michael - seeing his life unfold from childhood to "us" and remembering the "good" helps me - it reminds me of how loved I was and what adventures we had - and yes I bawl looking at it everytime. I know it says, our "promise" and "future" are now gone as is what was meant to be... and sometimes it is all so very hard. If for now, it is too painful to look at the past, don't worry, there will come a day and only you will know when that is. Be gentle with yourself, take time to feel what you need to feel and deal with what you must, it is enough for now. You don't need to challenge your grief, by doing "things" your not ready for, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll come through - in your own time. Take care, Deb

Hi Kat, you're not crazy... I remember when Michael first passed, I'd be watching TV and the channel would just change to the "Discovery Channel" - his favourite... I don't have that channel anymore, it was too painful to watch without him... There are way too many stories of guardian angels and the like to believe they are just completely gone. I like to think they are there for us while we need them and slowly will let us go as we grow into our new lives. However, I also like to think they will be there waiting for us. I know I wrote about the final episode of Medium, where her husband died in a tragic airplane crash and the show fast-forwarded to her death when she was in her 80's or 90's - her husband was there to take her hand at the age "they" were when he died... I'm holding on to this image and thought... Take care, Deb

I just wanted to say Happy Valentines to the group. While we may not have our loved ones by our side today, we can embrace that we indeed were loved and had love and hopefully a memory of happier times will shine through for us. I can think of many who have not been as blessed... Big Hug. Take Care, Deb

Hi Nats, A big hug and a prayer as you come through today. I hope you may have smiled at least once through your tears as you pay tribute to your wife. Take care, Deb

- I know I've said that the only thing I can think of for "why" did this have to happen to me is someone had to be first amongst my peers (I'm 44), someone had to learn just how devastating this is and the the sheer depth of loss... I have been blessed with loving support from friends and family, and they empathise well, but don't truley underdstand. It is so different losing a spouse - the person who has been an integral part of your everyday, who shares in your thoughts, plans and future... We will get through. Take Care, Deb

Hi Lainey, I spoke to a friend I hadn't seen since the funeral in May and when I said, I haven't had a day without tears yet, she was surprised. This is someone who has lost 2 sisters very tragically (one to murder and one to suicide) and she says, she only ever cried "occassionally"... It's hard for people to understand that we miss our spouses "everyday" presence and we miss the future and all the plans that we will never have... For us it is more all encompassing as the loss affects every aspect of our lives. We will get through in time... Take care, Deb

My Michael sent me a phone message after he died - it was a bounce back of a message I had already listened to - no one I know has ever had this happen... Michael has come to me a few times since, crawling into bed with me - talking, I've seen him head to the his side of the bed - glass of milk in hand and once he was bringing me strawberry yogurt... Can't be explained - hasn't happend now in a few months - but I know I pray all the time for "it" to happen again... Iwould give anything to see him again. Take care, Deb

Hi Nirac, take whatever time you need, be gentle with yourself. We will get through this. At the beginning we are all in a fog and as the fog slowly lifts we begin to learn to live in the new changed world we have - not of our choice. What I've learned is there is no time limits, no schedule... I recognize I am better than I was, but I also recognize it will be a lot of baby steps before I truly reconcile my new world - and Michael is a part of my world every minute of every day... I know it will get easier as life does simply go on and I know my Michael won't want me to be sad forever... Take care, Deb

I find this time of year hard because we didn't celebrate Valentines Day in any big way, we always went out on the 12th of February and called it our Anniversary. Our actual anniversary was Aug 12th,however,we always had company from England in town in August, so we made Feb 12th OUR day... We didn't buy into the hearts and flowers and the commercialism of the day, though we did love to share some chocolate and any excuse would do...

Hi Melina, thanks for the link. I know I am one of many here that not only have lost a spouse, but have to deal with so many additional "trauma's" added on, I recognize it has impeded my ability to grieve and I trust that by recognizing it within myself, that I will continue to move forward "in spite of". Some days are harder than others, but I keep placing one foot in front of the other and always hope that tomorrow will just be a better day... Take care, Deb

Hi PopPop, Just know our thoughts and prayers are with you and take whatever strength we can provide as you go through this - we'll be here. I agree, that there is no rhyme or reason, and it isn't right or fair, sometimes it just is. Try to take care of yourself as much as you can and know we'll be here to listen as you need us. Take care,Deb