Deb625

Hi Chris, what a beautiful tribute,your Tim is I'm sure smiling down and wishing for your continued happiness... Take care, Deb

Hi Tammy, all I can say is go with your heart, take it slow and know that whatever will be will be. You deserve to live and to be happy - all of us do. Take care, Deb

Thank you for your kind words of support. I deeply appreciate it. I know as I go through this journey, I have lived through a disease, comparable in a sense to cancer, in that it was long and painful to watch and a disease I had no "control" over, yet there was always hope. Like many on this site (we didn't choose to be on), my life as I "thought" it was to be, just didn't happen. The strength we all share is to be commended, though, that doesn't seem right when we're living just what is i.e. living through the tragedy of our spouse dying. My Michael said two phrases that come to mind over and over agiain... one is "suck it up buttercup" and the second is "it is what it is". Not the most romantic comforting words I could hear, but perhaps the most appropriate. I will never understand how he could have left me in so much pain and by knowing that, I know he didn't intend to die... Forever my love, love of my life, Michael xoxo

Hi Dimcl, I would have to say "what is sleep?". I know that since my Michael passed on May 16/09 that I haven't had a "proper" nights rest. I do go to sleep around 11pm every night, but I wake up every night. I used to be "bright as a button" with my 8 hours rest. 8 months into this journey I didn't choose, I still have not had over 6 hours straight, and usually my sleep is "disturbed" and I wake up several times a night. I have 3 different types of sleeping pills - they all get me to sleep, but they don't keep me there - and if they do, I'm too drugged out to function... It is a terrible "cycle" to live in. I don't take sleeping pills on the weekend, as I want my body to get to a natural rhythm, however, I do take a sleeping pill every Sunday Night, so I get a semi-decent night sleep before my work week. I try to "not" take them through the week and I do only if I wake up at 2:30am... If I wake up at 4:30 of 5:30 there is not much point... My reality is that by Friday, I'm exhausted. I keep hoping that one day I'll "crash" and sleep for 24 hours or more - it hasn't happened and it is the part of grieving that I find most difficult, as I know if I just felt "rested" that I could do so much more to help myself through this... For now, it is still one foot in front of the other... Take care, Deb

I'm so sorry for your loss. This tragedy we live through is devasting in so many ways... I totally get that others around seem to "forget" that our "other half" existed, they have gotten on with their lives - which is normal, I can't fault them for that and God, I wouldn't want them to be like me... I can't imagine what it would be like if there were more than one of us at a time in my crazy world... I'm grateful that I have this group, where I can see I am "normal" in my grief, and I'm grateful for my friends and family that are "trying" to help me through this as best they can. It is a rough road we travel, there is no map and we just hope that we find our way - wherever or however,that may be. It is just one foot in front of the other and sometimes it is just to breathe. I sounds like you have a heck of a lot on your plate with school and a child to raise... Be gentle with yourself and know we are here and we care. Take care, Deb

Thank you Gail. It is so good to hear you are doing well and have so many positives going forward. Take care Deb

Hi Tina, my father said when I lost my Michael that it is like losing a limb,you have lost a part of yourself. My Michael died at the tender age of 45, and here I am at the age of 44 a "widow". It doesn't sound right as it is not right. We're meant to have a happily ever after and no one prepares us for this tragedy. Not to discount those who have loved for many years, but I do feel it is a little harder when we are young simply as there is no "network" of others who have experienced our loss. At my age, I still have my parents (thankfully), not one of my peers has lost their spouse - I'm the first to go through this tremendous pain. My friends and family are supportive and empathetic, but they can't relate as they haven't had to go through this (gratefully). My Michael passed away May 16th, it has now been 8 months. I was in a fog for at least 3 months, I can't even tell you what happened during that time, all I know is seasons passed and here I am - trying to live a life I didn't choose, but continuing to place one foot in front of the other everyday. Some days it is easier than others. 8 months in I have learned to let myself grieve, not to challenge what I'm feeling as I find it's not of much use. I just try to continue to take baby steps, just keeping one foot in front of the other and continuing to believe tomorrow will be a better day... For now, just try to breathe, eat, drink plenty of water and sleep when you can... Please, be gentle with yourself. Take care, Deb

Hi Di, I'm sorry for your loss. I know 8 months into this journey, I now take baby steps with myself. When I joined this group I didn't choose to join, I started out doing miraculous things - I had my husbands "estate" in order within a week - heck I didn't sleep - what else was I to do? I had "everything" tidy within the first 3 months - clothes given to an appropriate charity, possessions given to where they "should" go... It is my personality. Not everyone is like me and what I did or how I did things cannot compare to how others go through this. What I do know is that once the fog lifted just a little I crashed hard and I continue to crash. I now set "boundries" for myself, I don't try to climb mountains, most days, I try to accomplish "just one thing". This weekend it is to change the bed linens and tidy my bedroom - nothing more. If I get this "one" task done, I am happy. If I don't, I don't beat myself up - tomorrow is another day... Be gentle with yourself. If somedays all you do is put one foot in front of the other and get through the day one minute at a time, it's okay - somedays, we just have to breathe. This is something we all get through and I'm grateful to this group for helping me along this journey... Do try to eat, drink plenty of water and sleep when you can. Take care, Deb

Hi Suzanne, I just posted about that Medium episode, as it struck my heart as well. I'm so sorry for your loss and so sorry you have more change you didn't expect, nor choose. It is devastatingly tragic to lose your spouse, I'm just 8 months into this journey and still cry everyday, it is so good that you had lots of love and support with you as you pass through one year of grief. This loss has changed us and through this new world we live in, we must continue to change - we have little choice... In moving house, know you will always have your memories and you will have the possessions that you hold dear to you always, the structure that you live in, won't change you and your memories of your loved one - they are a part of what makes you - you. Take care, Deb

I watched what I think may have been the conclusion or end of the series Medium last night. In the episode Alison loses her husband in a plane crash and the majority of the show, shows her 7 years later - a lawyer raising her children (2 out of the house, one still a teenager). In it the youngest daughter is upset that Dad didn't come back - this is the Dubois family after all... So Alison starts thinking it's a mistake and starts believing he is had amnesia and is living in Mexico... In the end her husband does come and tell her that he is truly gone. She says, but I can't be just "me" without you... He replies "you have always been wonderful as your own person" and something like I'll be here waiting for you when the time is right... Fast forward to Alison in the Nursing Home and her peaceful, sudden death. Her husband comes and she joins him - not at her ripened old age - but at the age she was when he died, they kiss for eternity... I'm sorry to the script writers if I've bastardized their plot in this post. I know I cried and thought - now that is a nice reality to look forward to... Thought I'd share. Take care, Deb

Well, it is 8 months today officially, my Michael actually passed on the 17th, however, I never had his death certificate altered as I know it was only important to me that he was alone for only one day. My Michael died tragically of a heart attack brought on by alcoholism at the tender age of 45. I had left our home 6 days before in hopes he would hit his "bottom" and find his way back to recovery - as he did in the past. I thought at the time it was the hardest thing I had ever done... I found his body on May 18th. It was the most horrific thing I could ever have done and honestly the only thing I am angry at Michael for... We loved each other deeply, he was my soul mate, he could make me laugh and we could talk about everything. He was beautiful inside and out. He melted my heart every time he smiled. He was a wonderful man who fought a horrific disease. During his last months, our lives were full of chaos of the addiction, I was crying everyday and he so hated to see me cry. My Michael was never violent or angry, he isolated, which impeded his many attempts at recovery. Michael fought "demons" that were there long before me. I knew he didn't drink at me and I know that I didn't cause it, couldn't control it and couldn't cure it. I know Michael loved me more than anyone else in this world, as I love him. The reality was I was "enabling" him, by taking care of him, and that living apart was to give him time to get healthy and me time to get healthy. I would have done and did do everything I could to help him, which included living apart. I left the "situation" not the man. I bought us a new home a place for him to come to when he was healthy - it was to be a long road to recovery, but we knew we would be together again - in a healthy environment away from the "house" of addiction (what we called our home). Michael was on a wait-list for detox, he would then go to rehab again (4th time) and then go to live in sober recovery. While in sober recovery, we would fix up our apartment, sell it and he would move in with me in our new healthy home. This was the plan. It didn't happen and I know I feel cheated that after all I went through all that we went through, we didn't get our happily ever after. Michael and I are meant to grow old together, my whole life is planned around our being together and now I have to figure out how to cope and live this new life that has been forced upon me. After 8 months I still miss him every day, I still cry everyday, I still have panic/anxiety attacks when I go to do "something" he should be here with me for. I still hear his loving, encouraging voice when I accomplish something. I still pray to God every day to just give him back. Our last conversation was so full of hope, love and encouragement it is so hard to believe he is gone... I know he wouldn't want me to be sad forever, and I am so trying to live. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and am just hoping by doing so that one day I'll once again feel "alive". We lived a life of chaos through addictions, however, there was lots of times of sobriety throughout, we loved to cook together, we loved fine dining and to go to community events, movies, we could sit beside eachother and read or just "be", we loved to travel and our last journey took us to Bali and Taiwan where we experienced incredible things (we pet a baby lion, road an elephant and stayed at a Safari Park where there was a rhino in our back yard no more than 10 feet away, we saw volcano's and black sand beaches, we snorkeled and saw clown fish... It was a trip of a lifetime that we would talk about night after night) I know in my heart that I got the absolute best of Michael and I hold dear the memories of him standing tall in recovery. Michael was a great man, a loving man, a respectful man. He related to the "teens" in our life like no one else, he had a special relationship with his Grandparents, he loved guitars, their luthiers and their history and he could play beautifully, he was interested in politics and the universe and loved the discovery channel. We competed playing jeopardy - he was smarter - though I'd never admit it to him. He didn't deserve to die. Through all, I always saw the man I fell in love with and I know he had so much more to give to this world. Michael's death is a tragedy, it wasn't meant to be... And here I am a widow at the age of 44 and learning to live this new life forced upon me. I'll light a candle today, shed my tears and hope that tomorrow is a better day... Thanks for listening. Deb

Hi West, I think we don't get past this, we get through it and it is a long road learning to live a new life. Keep working on you, take support everywhere you can for you and your family. Keep busy and try to participate outside of the home... I'm working on this too. This new life is lonely and almost 8 months into this journey there isn't a moment where I don't think of my Michael and miss him, his voice, his touch, his loving words of encouragement. My Michael will always be with me and I still continue to share my day and thoughts with him - I think he's listening and pushing me forward. Find comfort wherever you can. One year is still early in this journey. Take care, Deb

Hi MFH,the firsts are the worst as they bring home that the person isn't here with us and we don't get to share the event with the person who would care the most. I lit a candle and said a prayer and just sat alone holding my Michael's photo with him smiling up at me, some people release a baloon with or without a note attached, some say a little prayer, others get together and share... Do what you feel you need to do and know we are here for you. Take care, Deb

Hi Melina, I had the same "type" of event, 3 months after Michael passed. Our friends had got together at a Blues Festival for over 10years, Michael and I always attended, as singles and for the last 7 years as a couple. My girlfriend said it would just be "bad business" not to go all that "stuff" about life going on and such. I went,it was okay but it was never good. I "camped" in my car, which gave me some solitude, I can't say I participated in any way, shape or means, but I went. My friends were understanding, they let me "be" alone and let me cope with the event. Looking back, as painful as it was, it was good to get out of my head, out of my house. This road we're on, is rocky and full of twists and turns,but we have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope your friends understand and give you the praise for making the effort as my Michael would say "you did good". It will be 8 months this week since my Michael passed. It doesn't seem real and hurts every day, I still haven't had a day without tears - I see progress and keep working on "me" and the "new" life I have - but I know I'm still in infancy and I might be learning to crawl now, I still have a long way to walking... I think it is good to make the effort and to give yourself a big pat on the back for doing it. As many on this site attest it gets easier as we change and learn to live this new life we didn't choose - we don't "get better" and we won't "forget" the person who was so much a part of our everyday life... We are alive and have to keep trying to "live", I know my Michael wouldn't want me to be sad, though I know I haven't been happy since he died - I'm waiting for the day - I also realize I'm not the same person I was pre May 16th - I have fundamentally changed, not by choice, but by a tragic event. I believe the only way to get through each day is to continue is to keep trying... So way to go girl! Take care, Deb

Martina, I just want to say it hurts beyond anything I/you ever felt you would ever feel, it isn't fair and the reality just sucks - but you are right that it is a new life that you have to try to live for many, many reasons and we need to give it time and 7 1/2 months in I know it will still take time (a lot of time) however, for now I see it as learning to crawl, then walk then hopefully run... The "other half" missing from our life will always be there with us, in everything we do, see, sense and touch. The fact is that we are still here, and we are left to cope with the new life alone. It is not fair, but it is reality. There is light, the memories, the laughter - they will always be apart of our being and apart of our strength in getting through this. I'm grateful for all of us on this site - a place to share our love for the one we lost and our tragedy in losing them. Take care, Deb

It is so lonely when everyone goes back to their own lives,understandable, but lonely. I said to my girlfriend the other day (a catholic) that it is too bad we don't wear "black" for a year like women did in the old days - and by wearing black everyone just respected you were in mourning.In the world today, it seems we are meant to simply "get over it", not have "time" to get through it. I am blessed as I do have the love and support of many friends and family who still listen and help me through, but the focus seems to be on the "what are you doing to fix it". My one friend says he'll listen for 2 years max and then he's done (I'm only at 7 1/2 months so I've a while to go...) I do try to "live" and try to keep moving forward, but the efforts made are in a fog and are really just putting one foot in front of the other hoping the days pass. I have recently gone through all my "firsts" (his b'day, mine, our anniversry, Halloween, Christmas and New Years - every event came a "crash" of emotion that left me immobilized. I feel I have a reprieve as nothing else is coming up until the anniversary of his death in May. I don't know if I've even reconciled my Michael is really gone (though logically I know he is). It is hard as I know in my heart he would want me to live, but I can honestly say I haven't felt "alive" since he was here with me. I'm optimistic and think "this too shall pass", and try to be gentle with myself. So it's okay that for now it is just to keep one foot in front of the other learning how to live this new life alone...

Hi Martina, Welcome to the group no one wants to belong to, but all are grateful that it is here... As everyone has said, simply be gentle with yourself, it is early days and the feelings will overwhelm you, death of a loved, especially a partner/spouse is just not fair and it takes a long time to learn to walk in the new shoes we've been given. It will be just one foot in front of the other and sometimes one minute at a time to get through a day sometimes. I lost my Michael at the age of 45 on May 16/10, I am so much "better" than I was in the first foggy few months, however, 7 1/2 months I'm still learning to cope in the new world of widowhood... We don't "get over this", someone said, we get through it - with help from our friends, family and support like we find on this site... Try to eat, drink plenty of water, sleep and breathe... Take care, Deb

Happy New Year! It is just so bloody strange to live in a new life where you wish time away as you simply can't stand the reality of being alone and coping in the new world. I just had my "normal" get through an event (Christmas/New Years) - a few days when you remember what it's like to do things and just be a regular person (not a widow) and then back to reality and the complete melt down sinking into the abyss of grief. lonliness and despair. I'm hoping that now the "firsts" are done (anniversaries, birthdays, holidays) that I can get a few more "level" days and sanity... Today is better than yesterday and still keeping just one foot in front of the other... Take care, Deb

It has been 7 months this Friday and I'm still exhausted as I still don't sleep more than 4 hours without waking up... I recognize that I have the "stress" of my loss and have many other outside stresses caused by my Michael's family that I working through and dealing with - I recognize this, though it doesn't make it any easier. My doctor suggested anti-depressants again and again I refused. I just remain optimistic and hope as I get through each "landmark", "anniversary" or "hurdle" it will at some point get easier and that sleep will come, energy will come back and maybe some form of acceptance? I've read several books now on grieving and read the many posts on this site and all that I'm going through seems kinda (sadly) "text book" ... Take care, Deb

I am so very, very sorry for your loss. Nicole was a beautiful person, you can see that in her smile. Unfortunately, she had a cunning, baffling, terrible disease that affects your spiritual, emotional and physical well-being. You have to understand you didn't cause it, you couldn't control it and definitely couldn't cure it - Alanon Support Groups may be able to help you with this (found in your local phone book/google). I lost my partner of 8 1/2 years to addictions at the age of 45 almost 7 months ago, and he was at the same stage of "terminal" alcholism, where the disease would take hold and nothing would stand in the way of a drink - not love, not health, not job, not friends or family - it is the hardest thing to watch and you are a strong person to have remained loving and caring. My Michael - while the disease of alcholism took him away, much, much too soon, it doesn't define him - he was so very, very much more as Nicole was as well. I know my Michael will remain in my heart as the man I knew - loving, caring, smart, funny with shining blue eyes and a smile that melted my heart... Life will go on, however, your life has just changed and not by choice. As my father said, "You've lost a piece of yourself". For the moment, it will probably be enough to simply place one foot in front of the other to get through a day, so for now just try to take care of yourself, try to eat and try to sleep... Take care, Deb

Do common-law relationships have no standing in in OH?. Here in Canada if you have co-habitate for one to 2 years (depending on Province) you have rights to the Estate i.e. here a man or woman, cannot die leaving a will that does not provide consideration to his spouse or children... If there is no will the Estate would simply go to the Wife and children in a percentage split...

Hi Melina, Good for you, that you went to a meeting and I do agree with the others that you should give it at least 3 meetings to get a good "feel" for the people and environment. Be proud of yourself for making the effort, it takes a lot to bring ourselves out to people who don't know us. I live in a suburb of a metropolitan city and there is only one support group "around" and it just happens to be at a facility that is also one of my clients and I'm just not comfortable mixing my grief with work. I know I would so like to meet other people "like" me at 43 I'm the first of my peers and my family to "lose" a spouse, so feel very alone... I can tell you that I'm hugely grateful for this group... Take care, Deb

Being in a relationship to me is having committment to one another. I think I am entitled to be considered as a spouse until I no longer feel the heart wrenching committment, that I still have to my "other" half. To me it would be (I guess - as it's a long time off), when I start to "feel" for someone else, to me that would be breaking my and Michael's "committment" to each other. Michael would not be mad or sad, he would be happy for me I'm sure - but the time has to be when I'm physically, mentally and emotionally ready, until then, my heart and soul are still in Michael's care and as such I am still in a relationship... Deb

Hi Redwind, I know I get resentful plenty when I have to "do", it is just not fair that we are now alone, no adjustment time, no easing in, just the full responsiblity of everything that was shared only a "blink of any eye" ago. I hate it. Then there's the pain of just missing the voice and touch and having someone to come home to,that has simply vanished. My friends and family want me to be "better", so if you're me, you don't want to be a burden, so you stop sharing how you really feel - so they feel better and all the while you just keep focussed on putting one foot in front of the other and trust that the pain will lessen as each day, week, month passes... It has eased a little 6 1/2 months into this journey, but it still hurts everyday and there hasn't been a day that has gone by where my Michael isn't cryed over, thought about and consulted. Christmas is going to be ever so hard, and New Years and my Birthday shortly after, but then what day isn't hard? When Michael would gripe about having to "do" something I'd tell him to "suck it up buttercup" and that phrase seems to be said in my head a lot to me these days... Take care, Deb

Today is definitely a chutes day, been sad and crying all day. I keep myself busy and then as I near the end of whatever project (renovated the bathroom over the last 2 to 3 weeks), my Michael isn't here to help me or see the final accomplishment and I spiral down... I just miss him. It's been over 6 months and I just want to wake up from this bad dream... Deb