Deb625

Hi Kristia and welcome to the site we never wanted to join. I classify this site as the place where I know I'm not crazy, where I can see others have gone through the same things, felt the same emotions, cried the same tears. I lost my Michael 16 May 2010, he was 45, I am 43. We never had children. I'm the first of my peers to lose a spouse, so while friends and family are supportive, no one really knows the tragic loss and lonliness felt, except the "like" people here. Like you say, you go to sleep "a couple" and wake up "a widow". We're all learning together how to live this new life we didn't choose and working on piecing it all together and for the most part it is painful as the one person we leaned on and laughed with is no longer here and you're right it is bloody unfair. You have come through a lot with a newborn and two other children. I hope this site is of some help. Take care, Deb

My understanding is simply that Credit Cards are unsecured debts and therefore don't pay them and simply make it clear you are not paying them. Unless you are "jointly" signed on them, you should not be liable. Collectors usually get 50% of any debt collected so it is in their interest to intimidate and lie to get you to agree to pay - thus creating a new contract- one you would be liable to pay. Tell them you are not paying. They need to contact the Estate for payment, not you. Just be firm. They can ask, it doesn't mean they are legally entitled to collect. Call a debtor's assistance company in your area, they can probably confirm this for you. If you received life insurance as your husband's beneficiary it is money to you "outside of the estate" and doesn't form the "estate",they have no rights to it. At least that's how it is in Canada.

Hi Melina, It will be 6 months for me on Tuesday and I wake up sobbing, go to sleep sobbing and, cry throughout the day. Not quite as long or hard as when I first started this journey, but it sure hasn't stopped. I am still amazed at how much one can cry and still amazed at how "normal" it has become to cry - I was always considered "strong" and rarely cried. Now I cry so often I don't even apologise when I'm talking to friends - and I think everyone around me is now just used to it... (at least I don't make themcry with me anymore). When I was able to get through Michael's things, the best advice I had was take everything in "baby steps" and try to tackle one "small" thing a day and to tackle the one small task in the morning... any attempts for me later in the day would have me dibilitated as the weariness and exhaustion of greiving would have set in - which I still carry in my heart and soul each day... Six months in, I am better, (it took me well over 3 months to be able to work a full day and at least I can do that now) but it sure still hurts my heart, I miss Michael every hour of every day, and I honestly don't think I even think it is all even real yet... & Yes, I keep his t-shirt on my head board, his scent is very faint now, but is still there - I would be afraid to lose his scent if I wore it - it is all I have now... Take care, Deb

Hi Korina, I feel like you. I don't know if it's real and I have no idea when or if I will ever believe it to be true. I just know I miss Michael all the time and feel like I'm living life still faking it, until I make it... Does the reality one day just hit us like a tidal wave or will it come when we're busy? I just don't have a clue what "acceptance" might look like or what it might be wearing when/if it ever comes... I guess we just have to continue to just keep putting one foot in front of the other... Take care, Deb

I recently bought a new bathroom sink and the salesman was trying earnestly to get me to go out for a date. I just laughed with my girlfriend when we got in the car as I could clearly see myself out on a "date" sobbing, uncontrollably for my Michael - it just wouldn't work. At 5 1/2 months into this journey I didn't want to be on, I know that I am a very, very long way from even thinking of a new relationship, never mind being in one... I don't know when the time will come, but I know it won't be until I at least get past the sobbing every day... I'm sure I'm like many of us and just plain tired of hearing my own sobs, but there doesn't seem to be much I can do to stop the pain in my heart and the sorrow I feel for my loss and Michael's loss of life... I know I'm better than I was when I started this journey, I see progress and hope, it still hurts though... People who haven't lost a "spouse" can empathize, but not really understand the pain of losing a huge part of yourself, all our dreams and future. They don't get that we have fundamentally changed from a we to "just me" in heartbeat. Some just don't get it at all and I guess it means they have never felt a loss... (lucky them). I feel, quite okay with telling people that I simply am not up to socializing and "making nice"; however, it is also good to make an effort to get out and "do" things, to get out of our own heads... We've had a great fall here in Vancouver and getting out to see the colours of the leaves with the change of season has been stunningly beautiful... Take care, Deb

I bought a fish, so at least I have something to talk to and hopefully my friends and family won't think I'm as nuts as I feel I am... I can't count how many times I say "oh Michael" where are you?, why aren't you here?, I know I can do this, but I don't want to... Everything is still so hard, the lonliness of losing my best friend and lover the hardest. It is all just so sad. Deb

Hi everyone, it is five months today and I sometimes get fleeting glimpses of doing better, and then come the sobs and tears... It is Michael's 46th birthday tomorrow, I don't know how I'll cope - I know I'll light a candle and cry, beyond that who knows. If I'm anything like I have been since Friday night, the answer is I'll cry. I've already decided I'm not doing Halloween - Michael loved dressing up and we carved brilliant pumpkins - there is no pleasure in any of it alone. Christmas, I'm flying to England, New Years will be spent in Malta - hopefully being in foreign places will keep the tears at bay - I doubt it. I am going to ask my family to set a place for Micheal at the Christmas table - even though I won't be there, I want Michael to know he is missed... It all just not fair. Take care, Deb

Thought I would share this one. Deb At the finest level of my being, you're still with me. We still look at each other, at that level beyond sight. We talk and laugh with each other, in a place beyond words. We still touch each other, on a level beyond touch. We share time together in a place, where time stands still. We are still together, on a level called love. But I cry alone for you, in a place called reality. By: Richard Lepinsky

Hi MZM, There are a lot of strange things that happen during this process. I too have lost 2 friends of 20+ years for different reasons, since May 17th when my world changed. Maybe our relationships will heal in time, maybe not. Right now, it's about me, just making it through each day one-step at a time, I don't have the strength, nor should I be expected to have the strength to cope with their needs and/or issues - some people just don't understand the loss nor the changes to our world and what we are coping with. It can't be my responsibility to teach people how to have compassion (they will understand when it happens to them, and just pray it doesn't happen for a long time). I don't have to get angry or fight with people, I just have to recognize the reality and appreciate and embrace the people who do respect and understand... Keep strong, take care of yourself, Deb

Hi Redwind30, I am 43 and my Michael left this world 5 months ago tomorrow, Monday he would have been 46 years old. Today is just a bad day and I am hurting, the tears won't stop and I've given up on "getting" anything done, I just can't cope with the "faking" it in the out-side world right now. I know it is a common thread that "weekends" and "firsts" are always the worst... I summed my life up the other day to a girlfriend that I am a new person, I have to re-invent myself, I am no longer Michael's partner, I no longer have plans for my future and my past is damaged by my loss and grief I feel. This all I hope changes over time, and I do most days work on the premise fake it 'til you make it. I don't want to be pitied, I don't want people to forget my man, but for now everything just means tears. I still can't say out loud he is gone without crying. I was pre-May 17th a confident, strong woman with a past and future and had the love of a wonderful man... We just keep putting one step in front of the other. I've started to try to meet new people i found a website called MeetUps.com it is not a dating site - but has groups of people with all interests from book clubs, to cooking, business networking and the like. I'm going to go out with a ethnically diverse group of Canadians to enjoy a meal together at a Hungarian Restaurant next week - they get together at a different venue every couple of weeks... It's a step and I just feel I need to meet new people who don't know Deb & Mike, I have to keep trying to move forward one small step at a time... As my girlfriend says, the sun will be up again tomorrow... I can just pray tomorrow is a better day... Take care, Deb

Hi Carol Ann, My circumstances were different as I had left my spouse six days before he died. I had to pack his apartment up (with lots of help), move everything to my new place and live amongst boxes until I was strong enough to get through it. It took awhile and what worked best was to start "small" and in the "morning". I found trying to take on any tasks later in the day was and is just not possible when you are worn out just putting one foot in front of the other getting through a day... The reality is be gentle with yourself, and just get through it when you can and that doesn't have to be today. Take care, Deb

Hi Cheryl, I'm sure we can all relate. My car seems to still be a catalyst to tears and great fits of bawling my eyes out. I'm lucky I haven't been in an accident and I greatly regret buying a Nissan Cube i.e. it's an odd looking vehicle that people stare at and nothing like bawling your eyes out having stranges peer into your car... Take care, Deb

Hi Melina, I read a grieving book recently that I actually tossed away (I'm not one to throw away books), however this was just horrible unless you had a perfect family, perfect spouse, perfect community support...) it had one line that I thought was "right" (I kept the page) that I thought made sense with regards to family and I quote "Closeness at the end of is more likely to occur when there was closeness at the beginning and at the middle". That statement makes a lot of sense when I look at the dis-connect of Michael's family and makes sense when I look at how much closer I've become to members of my family. Friends, those who have loved and lost seem to have the understanding, though I have many friends who have simply been caring and compassionate without having suffered a "close" loss and then there are the "others" that simply can't comprehend nor relate to the loss at all (can we blame them for not having compassion for something they have never felt?). I must add, I am the "first" to be a widow i.e. I don't have a single member of my family nor friends that has lost a spouse (a good thing) - so no one truly, really gets it - which is why it is so helpful and comforting to belong to this group (though I'd give anything to not have to be here) Take care, Deb

Someone said (and it may have been on this site) that we'll lose friends through this process. That there will be people who just don't "get it". I had a friend for well over 20 years, our relationship has now ended. It was quite clear that my girlfriend was uncomfortable with my grief, so I didn't burden her. Instead of being understanding, she actually sent me not one, but two emails full of anger that basically said I hadn't been there for her i.e. not calling etc. The general "understanding" from her point of view is I should be over "it" by now and I should just get out there and get a new man. This confirmed she in no way understood how I feel and what I am going through. I wrote her a very nice reply, telling her that my lack of communication had nothing to do with our friendship and how I was feeling and coping with my loss. I did not offer to phone and did not illicit further communication. After my "nice" email, I read those emails from her again and then got angry. I was still angry when she phoned the next day, I basically, very strongly told her I just don't have the strength to help her through my grief and that I would call her when I was "better". I honestly can't see that being any time soon... It is a shame as I had always valued our friendship and I would never have expected this from her - but then I would never have expected that I would feel such pain. This new world we live in, in this group none of us wanted to join, seems to bring out the best and worst in people... I'd like to add that I have been blessed with lots of family and friends that have been, loving and supportive and as understanding/compassionate as they can be (not having lost a spouse). Take care, Deb

Hi Suzanne, I think you are writing what we all feel everyday when we have to open the front door to face a home alone, or when we go to sleep at night and there is no one to say good night to, to hold, or when we get dressed and there is no one to say you look great today. I know I want to be that "we" again, being on my own well it all sucks and the reality is I know I just try to keep one foot in front of the other, every morning hoping for a better day and for more hope for the future in this new life forced upon me... I lost my Michael 4 months ago, the way I feel now, 8 months is still early days... Try to be gentle with yourself, and hopefully memories of smiles and laughs will one day over-ride the hurt and pain in our hearts for now it is just not today. Take care, Deb

Hi Tammy, I lost the love of life 4 months ago this week. It is still so difficult to be alone and I hate this new life forced upon me. Yes, I also feel like those around me are tired of hearing about my grief, they have gotten on with the lives they know, we are learning to build a new one on our own - and it sucks. I know I am not the person I was before Michael left this earth - I have fundamentally changed and I think I've probably come through learning to roll over and have maybe just started to crawl - walking, talking etc... are still down the road. I feel that I just have to be conscious of my limitations, try my best to use what energy I have (which is little beyond work) trying to take care of myself and try to keep getting out there in the world amongst the living to continue learning how to live this new life - and for me to keep positive for now is more of a process of the "fake it, until you make it". Take care, Deb

Hi Melina, if you are losing your mind, there are a lot of people on this site losing theirs too - me included. Some days are horrible, some day dreadful, some days okay... I just trust it will all get easier and it has a little over the last 4 months so there is hope... I too talk to my Michael all the time and I think I sigh "Oh Michael" a 100 times a day - he hasn't answered yet... Believe me I would give anything to have him hold me and tell me it's all going to be okay and oh what I'd give to hear his laughter... Be gentle and feel... Take care, Deb

Hi Bill, I am still waiting for the ache to lessen and the crying and sobbing to subside, heading on 4 months now. I too force myself to go out and try my best but am still just so exhausted as sleep is just plain difficult i.e. I haven't woken up rested in 4 months now. The worst is going out (work, errands or socially) then opening that door to come home and realizing I'm alone. It is just not fair. I still can't reconcile this is real. I can't reconcile why my Michael died. I still can't believe he would ever leave me in such pain and I just miss every part of being a "we" and hate this new life forced upon me. I so just want to wake up and feel "normal" to be "me" again. There is now also a recognition that knows that girl pre May 16th, doesn't exist anymore - she has fundamentally changed. I have improved, my grief isn't as over-powering as it was those first days, weeks - but it all still hurts. From what I've learned thus far is that we just have to be gentle, let ourselves feel and recognize that there will be triggers and waves of emotions for many days, months, years to come - happy and sad and be grateful that we gave and received love. I know people around me that can't relate to my grief and I think it is simply that they also have never got to share a love like I had and no it wasn't perfect, but I've always felt Michael was the love of my life, he my best friend, my lover, my support - I liked him, I loved him and I know he felt the same. The end of us was/is just tragic and I miss him so... I have days like today(weekends are always the worst), when the tears don't stop and I just have to try to sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day... Take care, Deb

Hi Melina, it is early days for you and your family. Exhaustion for me is probably the number one factor in coping with this new life forced upon me. I am getting better, I can recognize improvements, however, haven't had a good restful sleep yet and still cry/sob everyday at 3 1/2 months without my Michael. When all is overwhelming, what worked for me is to take the smallest tasks first and work up to the bigger ones. Try to get through just one task a day (baby steps) and try to complete it in the morning not at the end of they day when you're drained. This has worked for me, at least in getting the "everyday, necessary" things done. I have a million other things left to do, but they are of low priority and I just don't have the energy... Hope this helps... Take care, Deb

Beautiful, thank you for sharing. Take care, Debby

Hi MZM, I'm so sorry you are being shut-out of your spouses ceremony by his family. All I can say is shame on them. I've had the same experience with my in-laws (I was common law with my husband for 8 1/2 years) and it hurts. However, try to let it go and remember you know what he meant to you and he knows what you meant to him... Have your own intimate ceremony a suggestion would be to light a candle, hold his picture and wish him well... Take care of yourself... Sincerely, Debby

I don't know if it helps, but with regards to sleeping, I always kept the day 3 mark in my head. If I hadn't slept in 3 days, I would take a pill or a half a pill (Zopolcone). 3 1/2 months in, I still hold on to this rule and might add that I still haven't had a good, restful sleep - however, at least every 3 or 4 days I do get some rest. I am greatly looking forward to the day I wake up and actually feel rested. My Doctor asked me if I thought I was depressed and I replied that I honestly feel lack of sleep is the number one issue for me on my ability to cope, to eat properly, to continue with the activities of daily living... Take care, Debby

Hi Melina, Don't worry about what others carelessly say, if they haven't gone through this pain, they just don't have the ability to understand. Just try to be gentle with yourself, you've just lost a huge part of your life that you will never get "over", you'll simply get through this, you are also learning to build a new life on your own - something we have been forced to do - how could anyone be truly prepared for all of this? It's been 3 1/2 months, I still cry and sob everyday, I so just want my other Michael back. I don't understand why I have to go through this pain and I get angry at all the things he was/we were meant to do that are and never will be done... It does get a little easier with time, as you've heard from many. For now it is just one baby step at a time. Try to eat and take care of yourself. Take care, Debby

Hi Redwind30, it's been just over 3 months since my Michael passed and I haven't had a day without tears yet. Life distracts me for a little time, but the overwhelming lonliness screams back in. I still can't believe my Michael would have left me in this much pain. It is so hard to bear. I have much support and love, however, no one truly understands my loss as they haven't had to experience it - and I hope it is a very long time until they do. It is just one foot in front of the other for now... and weekends are the worst. Take care, Deb

Hi Darl, for now just concentrate on you, even if it is just one breath at a time, one foot in front of the other. Reach out for support from family and friends and this group, they are all there to help you. I think everyone here has had some things said that were in incredibly poor taste, people just don't understand that you have just lost a large piece of yourself and as Bill said, you won't get over it, but eventually you'll be able to get on with it i.e. this new life that we didn't ask for. I lost my husband 3 months ago and while I'm still not past the uncontrolable sobs and crying everyday, I have found it getting a wee bit easier... Try to take care of yourself as best you can, it will be hard for the next while. Take care, Deb