Whiteswan

Correction: Wednesday marked 4 months that my Mom has been dead. Today is another Sunday anniversary of her death as she died on a Sunday. See how my mind is working!? I have found too that this lightheadedness stuff often happens or starts at about 9:45-10:45 am so I wondered about that then realized that I was called by the hospital at 9:45 am the morning that everything started to shut down on her! I left work, went to get my son out of school , went home , got out of my uniform and into normal clothes then we went up to the hospital to see her. She said she wanted to come home and be with family so I arranged for all of that and she was home by the next night by ambulance as she could not be transported any other way as she couldn't walk. I also get that lightheadedness /surreal feeling anywhere betweeen 2pm and 5pm and maybe that relates to the fact that my Mom's condition started to steadily worsen on the day she died between those hours -- she died at 4:45pm. I was really connected to my Mom and I recall when she had different surgeries that I used to actually FEEL like I was being cut in the place she was during the surgeries! I even knew the times she was being cut as I would feel a cutting sensation in that area in the waiting room. Yeah, we were close and I think that's why her death has hit me a lot harder than the ones that went before her even though I loved them dearly too. Their deaths were easier too in that my Mom was here to help me through it all and now she's gone too.

I feel like I'm losing control! Like I'm losing my mind! Today marks 4 months that my Mom has been gone and I started really grieving severely over this past week again! I had to come home from work on Wednesday then again on Friday because I out of nowhere got shaky, lightheaded and really scared. The minute I got home I burst out in tears -- hysterical crying then went into a rage punching pillows and screaming / crying combo! I get this lightheadedness , almost a surreal feeling but one like you're going to crash and if you don't let the emotions out you'll pass out! It's scary . I know it is grief that needs to come out when this happens because the emotions always follow but I can't be at work and have that happen and I can't keep taking time off work to have my crying screaming fits ! I read in a grief book that the acute grief resurfaces at a 4-9 month mark so I think that's what I'm getting. Anyone else ever had this -ie- emotion just burst out like that . Think the lightheaded/surreal feeling has anything to do with the emotions? I could feel my Mom's presence all the time and often smell her since she passed and my son frequently sees her in the house (he's nearly 8 yrs old), so as crazy as this sounds I told my Mom during one of these crying fits that I felt she needed to leave us for awhile so that I can come to terms with her not being here physically anymore , that I didn't think I could get out all the grief while I can still smell her and feel her right beside me while going about my day and at the same time see that she is not here physically. As soon as I said that her smell was gone and I haven't felt her presence again. My son hasn't said he's seen her again either and I never told him what I said to her. I just felt that I have to grieve her physical presence being gone. Make sense or am I nuts? I also told her to come back to visit after I have accepted all of this. Anyone relate or have I lost it?

Yeah, when it comes to grief most people are complete dim wits! And the saddest part of that statement is that I have even found that to be true with a few people in my life who HAVE also experienced grief in their own! They too have seemed to have bought into society's rule of don't talk about it ! I feel for you about your precious cat. I too have lost animals to death in the past and I know full well it is like losing a family member (they ARE family) . Unfortunately most people don't understand that in our society either. My oldest cat is 12 and showing signs of being elderly. Our youngest cat is now 11 months and I really think she gives the older one something to wake up for everyday. He absolutely adores her and he is like a daddy figure for her. Now I just wish our 3 yr old black Lab would love them both too but that is a different story! You're in my prayers as is your baby girl.

Funnyface: Thank you for letting us know about that very moving video. I emailed it to my friend who lost her Dad last year and she told me when I saw her at church on Sunday that she loved it and needed it. She said it helped her about her Dad and her Mom is also old and ill so it reminded her to have more patience with her too. Once again thank you.

Thanks for all the support. I am relieved that the "friend " is out of my son's and my life. I just hurts that she could do all she did to an old defenseless woman who was so sick (my Mom the day that woman babysat my son) and then did so much to hurt my son and I after my Mom died! Kick us when we were down! I realized the other day why I had a really weird dream a few days before this woman was last with us. I had dreamed that my Mom was standing with my son and I in our driveway then said something about being careful of what was near the car. I walked over looked near the back tire of the car and a HUGE rat (this thing was bigger that a large dog!) leaped out at me ! I started running and my son started running with me away from this thing and I was worried it was going to bite him. I was trying to put myself behind him so it would bite me first (we were running away from it ) and I fell on the ground but managed to grab my son's arm and get him out of its way behind me . It came charging at me on the ground and I took all the strength I had and kicked it hard. I woke up at that point . Needless to say I couldn't figure out WHY my Mom would give me a dream like that! A complete nightmare! Then the other day after that "friend" did what she did that dream flashed through my mind and I thought "AHAA, now I get it!" SHE was the rat in the dream --- I was down in the dream and the rat attacked -- just like I am down in this grief and she comes over and attacks! Obviously my Mom was trying to tell me something and yes, I bet my Mom is glad I got rid of that "friend " in our lives. I gave her the boot so to speak!

Shubom: The first anything is really hard. My Mom passed on April 2, 2006 and my son and I had to do the first Easter without her very shortly after. A "friend" (same one I have recently made a post about overstepping my boundaries this week) said a week prior to Easter that she and her daughter would come over with a meal for them and us so we could have Easter together. On Easter day she called in the late afternoon and said she just HAD to get her income tax done (not even due until April 30th and Easter was April 16th) and was sending her daughter and her daughter's friend over with the meal for my son and I to eat alone! So, we could have made plans with others who would have been here for us but because she said she'd be here we told others that we already had plans! So Easter was hard to say the least! Then it was the first Mother's Day without my Mom on May 14th and my 46th birthday was May 12th so it was all in the same weekend! It was a really rough weekend and the fact that she died on a Sunday and Mother's Day was a Sunday really complicated the matter for me. At least others were good to us on those days -ie- my sister gave my son money to get me Mother's Day gifts and birthday gifts from him to me (also money to take me out to eat). My cousin took him out to shop for both events too so I got double the gifts. We didn't celebrate with a special dinner as an extended family though as I think everyone was just too exhausted to even try that but at least everyone made sure I had my own Mother's Day and birthday from my son. BUT it wasn't the same without my Mom here and it was a really rough time emotionally . All I can say is you will get through it -- I did so you can too. Just let the feelings come , cry, scream, whatever you need to do. Try to surround yourself with positive people (and eliminate the ones who think they have more important things to do like their income tax) and it is another time you will survive even if that's all it feels like -- surviving. My love and thoughts are with you on your upcoming birthday.

Here is a long story that I am going to try to make short as possible: A "friend " of mine has shown her true colors so to speak a few times in the past but I forgave her and let her back into my life. She came over recently and proceeded to tell my son (7, nearly 8 yrs old) what to do and what not to do and I was right there! She kept correcting his behaviour , told him while we were out that if he didn't behave he could go sit in her car, embarrassed him in front of a waitress for what she thought was rude behavior of his, etc, etc.(I didn't see a really big problem with his behaviour-- he was being a normal 7 yr old boy and the few times he got out of line I corrected him and she kept correcting him after I did, and at other times when his behaviour was not a problem!) Now, this woman has "taken over" so to speak in the past -ie- when my Mom was still alive this woman babysat my son one day as there was no daycare that day and I had to work. My son and I lived with my Mom and it is my Mom's house. This woman decided that she would change the kitty litter boxes, do the laundry and get onto my computer and change everything around on it . My Mom told her that she didn't want her to do any of those things, to just watch my son and play with him as my Mom was not feeling well. (That is the only reason I got this woman to babysit-- my Mom was ill and wasn't up to it). Well, this woman proceeded to overstep my Mom's boundaries and went ahead and did the laundry (broke the dryer in the process to the tune of $285.00 to fix it!), plugged the bathtub with kitty litter (liquid plumber solved that), and messed around changing all kinds of stuff on my computer! My Mom didn't have the strength to argue with her so just shut herself in her bedroom and told me when I got home that she felt violated , treated like nothing by this woman, etc. I then chose not to have further contact with this woman for quite awhile but she kept calling so I decided to forgive her. DUMB,DUMB,DUMB!!! She totally violated my authority as a parent the other day and I emailed her later and politely told her how I felt about that and that I would appreciate it if she did not tell my son what to do , etc as I am the one who should be doing that. I said it in a really nice way and told her that my own Mom never over rode my parental authority and she lived right with my son and I. WELL, I got this email back from this woman telling me that she overextended her boudaries and went out with my son and I as she saw we needed that even though she was tired and in pain(meanwhile she NEVER mentioned any pain that night , only said at the end of the visit that she had to get home to let her dog out), that she is too old to get into parental issues with me and that she treated us wonderfully and doesn't know what I am talking about, that she treats us the same way she does everyone and gives us her best so if that isn't good enough to find other friends who share my perspective, AND the real stab was "I am not like your mother" (a shot because I mentioned my Mom never overstepping my parental boundaries and she lived right in the same house. This woman knows my Mom and I were very close and that I am devastated by my Mom's death!) She is not close to her Mom or her entire family as they have sort of pushed her away indicating that she is a trouble maker so I think she is jealous that I was so close to my Mom. I felt totally attacked by her email and have decided that is it! "Friendship" OVER!!!! Does she sound diabolical to anyone else? I would appreciate any insights , thoughts, etc. Thanks all.

My son sees my Mom all the time (at least 2-3 times a day ) and I recently told him to not EVER let anyone tell him that it is crazy, not real, or from the devil, etc, etc. I told him to keep open to it and it is a gift from God so don't let anyone ever take it from him. I saw my uncle one night shortly after he died in 1994 (I was 34 then) and I saw my brother various times when I was younger in my childhood and early 20's but I still haven't seen my Mom. I had a dream the other night with her in it . She was all dressed up in the dress she wore to my nephew's wedding 10 yrs ago and she was happy. I was trying to help her walk (I was her caregiver ) and she said she didn't need me to help anymore and stood on one leg to show me how well she could balance without assistance now. Near the end of that dream I know someone (I don't know exactly who) told me that I will see her appear but have too much grief blocking it right now. Now if I told most people all of this they would possibly call 911 to have me committed to the looney ward!

Thank you all for the supportive replies! Now I don't feel so alone and actually it was strange yesterday after I made my first post here: I had taken the day off work and kept my son out of daycare for the day as I had had a bad night, was tired and just distraught with grief. About an hour after I made my first post here, the Minister of our church called to see how we were doing (support #1) then my sister called asking me if I needed any sinus spray as she can't take the kind she bought (I think it was just an excuse to call as I don't really think she knows how to approach/connect with me as I was my Mom's caregiver and my sister has never been able to do that so I think there is guilt , etc there). Then a few hours later a friend of the family called to see how we are doing and we had a good talk. Her parents passed 6 weeks apart about 4 yrs ago so she knows how it feels. She said she would have called earlier but thought I needed some time alone as she did when her parents passed so everyone is different. Then about an hour after that I was surprised when there was a knock at my door and there stood one of my best friends who had been very supportive throughout my Mom's death and afterward but I hadn't seen her since the memorial! She threw her arms around me and said "I think your Mom sent me here today because I was at the Mall and I had a really strong feeling to come here , but I thought no you can't just drop in on her then I almost swear I heard your Mom's voice say oh yes you can! I kept feeling your Mom's presence all through the Mall and into my car so here I am!" She said she didn't come earlier because she thought I wanted to be alone because after the memorial when a lot of different people invited my son and I over to their places for that night or offered to come to our house for the night I had thanked them all but said I just wanted to go home, change into lounging clothes and be quiet. Yes I did say that so I guess I gave them all the impression to leave me alone! I meant for that night but oh well! So... I do have support and it is also wonderful to have this new group of friends too as you are all walking the same road I am right now! Maylissa said that mom's are more connected via they bore us so there is a metaphysical bond there -- I totally agree and while my Mom was dying she sort of confirmed that as she kept talking to her Mom! I could sense my Grandmother really strong in her bedroom and my Mom kept telling her to wait , she wasn't ready yet which was right I guess as my aunts hadn't arrived yet. After they came and left my Mom said all of a sudden "Oh Mommie, my Mommie!" then passed about an hour later. My Mom was very aware the whole time , spoke to everyone who was here, answered appropriately, etc, her mind was right here and she was not on any drugs so she was not seeing or hearing things. She talked right up to the last hour or so then couldn't due to congestion in her throat/lungs but she would still nod her head yes or no when asked a question. Anyway must sign off to see what my son is doing. Thanks to all.

My beloved Mom (age 80) passed on April 2, 2006 at home surrounded by family. My son (age 7) and I (age 46) have always lived with her and I took care of her during the steady decline in her health over the past 9 yrs. The pain I feel is like no other I have ever felt! I have lost my Dad (1985), my grandfather (1981), my brother (1962) , my grandmother (1991) and many beloved animals over the years but NOTHING has EVER affected me like losing my Mom! There is no pain like it! I cry and cry and then try to deal with life like raising my son, working and so on, and have had days where I think I'm going to pass out! This has happened at work several times -- a lightheaded almost seeing stars feeling and I've used all the strength I can muster to stay focused here to not hit the floor! When I've come home after those times I have been shaky then burst out into sobs for hours again! Anyone else had similar things to this? My son seems to be coping ok and he often sees my Mom in the house! I believe he does as he gets a shocked look on his face all of a sudden -ie- his eyes widen and his mouth drops then he'll say "There's Nana! She is standing in the living room!" then he'll say "She just disappeared!" One night he said "She's standing in the kitchen but I think she should think about changing those pajamas because she's had them on the last 3 times I've seen her appear!" I believe him and it does comfort me but I wish I could see her! She seems to appear to him all the time. I sense her and often smell her (you know how people have their own smell?). I tell very few of these things as most people think you're nuts if you mention such things. It seems too that most people have disappeared from our lives since the memorial on June 17, 2006. The few who have been in contact have been people that my son has called first! I feel that WE shouldn't have to be the ones to reach out! They were all on the phone, etc BEFORE the memorial finding out about how it was going to happen, how the sale of the house is going , etc, etc, and now that the memorial is over most have disappeared! Haven't even had the decency to pick up the phone to see if we're still even alive! Yes, it angers me! Anyway, I am glad there are others like all of you who will no doubt understand all of this.