Whiteswan

I will keep you in my prayers. I too have to sell the house, only in my case it is my parents home that I have lived in with them for the past 29 yrs (we all lived in another house before that.) I was sharing expenses with my Mom over the yrs but now that her income is gone I am finding it more difficult and have a debt load accumulated from decreased work hours so that I could take care of her while she was so sick the past few yrs. The house hasn't sold yet as we are in a slow market right now and the contract with the agent expired in Oct so I told him today to wait until March as I don't want people tramping through my house during the Christmas season. I am not looking forward to Christmas this yr -- it will be the first without my Mom -- but I have an 8 yr old son and I want to make Christmas as "normal" and as joyous as possible for him. So I'll just struggle along financially until I can get this house back up for sale in the spring and hopefully it will sell then! Hang in there, maybe God has something good for you in store --that's what keeps me going. Love and hugs.

It is now officially 7 months since my Mom died (7th month anniversary on Nov 2nd) and it was a really rough day for me emotionally. I couldn't even cry but I was just so very depressed and really realizing that she is not coming back! I spoke to one of my beloved Aunts last night. She calls me about once every 2 wks and I try to keep in touch with her too as I love her and she has always been there when needed. Her and my Mom are only 2 yrs apart (my Mom being the older) so they were always good buddies over all those yrs. My Aunt almost called me my Mom's name last night on the phone then corrected herself midway. I said it was ok as she is not the only one who has done that (my other Aunt has slipped out with my Mom's name in reference to me as well -- that Aunt said it is because I look very much like my Mom when she was young and am much like her in personality-- I take that as a compliment.) My Aunt last night when nearly calling me by my Mom's name said she really misses my Mom and can't believe she's gone, she misses her a lot and used to talk to her on the phone for a few hours a couple of times a week. I felt sorry for my Aunt last night . I guess I have been so focused on my own pain in all of this that I didn't really realize how much the older generation in this family who grew up with my Mom are hurting too. It was like a reality check for me. Every time I've ever talked to any of that generation since my Mom's passing I have always told them about my pain and they have all patiently listened and comforted me. I didn't realize how her death has impacted their lives. I guess I have been selfish and self -centered in my grief (something I detest in others -- selfishness and self-centeredness!) It was a real wake up call for me so to speak. Love and hugs to all.

I find changes of the seasons very sad now that my Mom has passed. When Spring came and all the flowers she had planted years ago came up I felt really sad that she wasn't here to see them, then Summer came and it was hard too, now Fall is here with all its changing colours (spell it that way as I am Canadian) and the burning bushes she planted yrs ago are a beautiful red which she always loved. I think the changes of the seasons are a reminder on how time is passing and our loved ones are gone -- a reminder of how LONG they have been gone -- it's sort of a cruel reality reminder. Make sense? I don't really know how to say this so I hope everyone gets what I mean here. Love and hugs

I love it! And it is so very true! Thanks for sharing that -- I needed it today as I'm having a feel sorry for myself day. Hugs and love.

Hi Kayc. I relate to what you are saying even though I am grieving over my Mom's death (April 2/06). I too am struggling financially . I work but the past few yrs while I was taking care of my Mom during the major part of her sickness I went to part time hours so incurred a lot of debt and now I am trying to dig out. My Mom left everything to me including the house that my son and I have always lived in with her but instead of paying only half the expenses like when my Mom was alive I am now responsible for all of it and I have debts to pay as well. So it is a worry. I have the house up for sale as it is a large family home and my son, the animals and myself don't need nor can we afford a house this big. I love my Mom so much and really miss her which is bad enough but when we are also struggling in other areas of our lives as a result of the death of a loved one I think it complicates it all too -- added stress. I too have also struggled in my faith in all of this. I have always been very much a believer in God too and rarely ever missed Church but since my Mom died I have experienced similar to what you have been going through in that regard. I find comfort in reading the Psalms as the writers express a lot of the same feelings we are going through -ie- not feeling God's arms around us and so on. I think this is all normal when going through tremendous grief. I loved others dearly who died before my Mom and I grieved them too but nothing like this grief over my Mom! My Mom was my rock, my cushion in life and my best friend and losing her has been the most devastating pain I've ever felt in my life! I booked off work today because I got hit with a severe wave of grief out of nowhere this morning right after I took my son to school and I knew I was in no condition emotionally to take care of clients all day! I just hope work doesn't get ticked over some of these book offs! I also can't afford to be off work and I get mad at myself for booking off when I do because I need the money. It seems like grief causes one thing to spiral into another thing and it affects all areas of our lives in one way or another. I'll keep you in my prayers. Love and hugs.

Thanks for all the replies! First, I did as suggested and checked if my dog is leaking urine. All the spots she normally sleeps and /or lays in are dry. She also doesn't whine while urinating as I went outside with her several times to observe her urinating and she flowed long and normally. I called the vet and told him what is going on. He said if she had a urinary tract infection she would be whining while urinating , frequently urinating and leaking in between. She would also no doubt be running a fever indicative by panting and nose warm, inner ears hot. She has none of that. He said she no doubt does not like it that I am sleeping in my Mom's bed so she is claiming it as her "territory" as dogs mark territory with urine. Solution: wash mattress surface with vinegar (it destroys urine smell) and keep her out of that room for awhile. The latter is impossible as this dog knows how to open door knobs with her mouth! She was never trained for these kind of things --she just seemed to automatically teach herself this out of necessity I guess as my Mom walked with a cane then a wheeled walker and ever since my dog was a 7 wk old pup she just seemed to "guide" my Mom so to speak. My Mom was partly blind the last 2 and a half yrs and my dog would go right beside her and sort of guide her. My Mom had a hard time at times with the walker in front of her trying to reach a door knob in front of that to open the doors and one day Princess just got in front of the walker and put the door knob in her mouth and twisted her head and the door opened for my Mom! My Mom praised her so she kept doing it whenever she noticed my Mom walking toward a closed door. So keeping her out of that bedroom now is not possible as she knows how to open doors! She also used to bark at my Mom when the phone rang or the kettle whistled as my Mom was half deaf the last 2 yrs as well and I guess Princess couldn't stand listening to a whistling kettle or a ringing phone so she'd bark to get my Mom to get it -- bark then run toward whatever was making the noise. She still barks at me if I don't get either of them fast enough! She was home a lot during the day with my Mom while I worked and my son was at school so they grew quite close (I'd come home at lunch until my Mom got really sick during the year before she died then I cut my hours of work down to about 15 hrs per week so I could care more for my Mom.) Anyway, I know Princess really loves and misses my Mom. I looked in my journal and discovered another "coincidence" -ie- the first time she urinated on the bed was a Firday night between 10:30 p.m. and 11 p.m. The second time she urinated on the bed was also a Friday night between 10:30 p.m. and 11 p.m. My Mom came home by ambulance to die on Friday March 31, 2006 at 10:30 p.m. and by the time the ambulance drivers figured out how to transfer her from the stretcher to a special stretcher that could fit around the hall corner into her bedroom it was nearly 11 p.m.! She stayed in her bed the next two days where she died on Sunday April 2, 2006. Is this a coincidence or is my dog subconsciously reacting to that time of night and to that particular day of the week? Prior to my Mom's hospital stay she was getting incontinent and had to wear attends for about 6 months prior as she would leak due to a severe bladder infection and kidney failure but I had soaker pads on her bed -- one under the fitted bottom sheet and one on top of it so the urine to my knowledge never went onto the mattress and there were no urine stains on the mattress when I inspected it shortly after she died, so I don't think my dog is smelling urine on the bed. I don't know what else to do except use the vinegar like the vet said. I am going to keep an eye on her on Friday nights that's for sure! I think she really misses my Mom as my Mom would even talk to her over the phone every day she was in the hospital and after my son and I would come home from hospital visits Princess would smell us all over and wag her tail, no doubt smelling my Mom on us. She was used to my Mom's hospital visits and I think maybe she was like the rest of us hoping she'd bounce back from the illness again as she had so many times before, but she didn't this time and even said before the last hospital visit that she knew "this is the end of the road this time".. She KNEW and told me that several times as she said she wanted me to "face it and accept it so it won't be so hard on you when it happens". My Mom was always thinking of my son and I first before herself even in death! Anyway, any other suggestions on how I can now help my dog so she won't feel the need to urinate on my Mom's bed? I love my dog and I really feel helpless to help her in her grief! Thanks all and love and hugs.

Maylissa: Wow! Thanks for the info on highly sensitivwe people! You have basically described my son, myself and yes, my decreased Mom! The only exception is that we are not shy people but outgoing with others and friendly BUT when we've had enough so to speak it is get home and don't get in my space for awhile until I have re-gathered my energy! I think that is why my son, myself and my Mom all got along so well -- we understand that need for space in each other. I think highly sensitive peolpe are also more loving, compassionate, empathetic/sympathetic than others and maybe that is why the need for space after social settings -- we get drained easier that non-sensitives and require the alone time to gather our strength again. I think we also are very intuitive -- I know my Mom could read people like a book and my son and I can to a great degree too -- that's why when we take an instant dislike to someone we always find out later it was for good reason (I've had feelings of caution about some that I haven't listened to however , like my ex, and have later found out it was for good reason -- oh well, my son wouldn't be here now if I had have listened to that initial feeling about his Dad so I am glad I didn't listen -- some good comes from all bad.) Anyway thanks for sharing that info. Love and hugs

where is everyone today? Maybe it's slow around here because it's a Saturday and everyone is all out grocery shopping?

Andy: to answer your question: My Mom always said the ONLY reason she didn't go jump off the bridge and kill herself after my brother's death was because she had 2 other kids who needed her! Did it affect her life? I would say so -ie- she worried about the rest of us getting killed, I was not allowed to ride a bike anywhere near a road (I wasn't even allowed a 2 wheeler bike until I was about 11 yrs old and I had to beg for one to get it and she never let me out of her sight while I was anywhere near it -- it was locked up otherwise), and if one of us was out somewhere and she heard the wailing of an ambulance siren she was a bundle of nerves until we got home! She'd even call us at friends when we got older to see if we were okay if she heard an ambulance siren go by -- so I'd say it affected her for the rest of her life as she was the same about her grandchildren and great grandchildren.

I wish there were dog psychologists/bereavement counsellors! About 2 wks ago my 3 yr old black Lab decided to urinate on my bed! This bed used to be my Mom's bed and it is the bed my Mom died in. I took over that bedroom about a month after my Mom passed as I want to be on the same floor as my son at night and his room is directly across the hall. (Prior to that I had been sleeping on the couch when my Mom was really ill.) The first time Princess did this I was angry but thought maybe she wasn't getting enough attention so I have made sure she is now. She is a good clean dog who NEVER did anything like this before! She always lets us know if she has to go out to pee etc -- she lets us know loud and clear by nudging us, barking at us and going toward the back door. I used the carpet shampooer on the bed, air dried it and then strayed fabric freshner on it. Last night she did the same thing! I went into the bedroom, noticed the sheets/comforter were messed up then felt it and sure enough it was a puddle of urine! I went ballistic! Screaming and yelling at her that she was bad, to stay off my bed or I'd take her back to the humane society where I got her as a puppy, on and on! My son ran to her to console her and told me "Calm down! You are not taking her back! You've lost it Mom! Don't you see she's hurting about Nana just like we are?! She has been depressed and mostly mopey since Nana died! She's trying to tell us that by peeing on Nana's bed! She only does it on Nana's bed!" I felt like the wicked witch of the west looking at my beautiful dog looking terrified at me and my son holding her while I was screaming like a maniac! I had to finally go stand outside on the back porch (about 11pm) with a cup of tea and a cigarette (something I stared doing again since my Mom died -- yeah like I can really afford that too! I try to curb it.) I finally calmed down, went inside and stripped the bed, shampooed the bed once again and so on until 2am when I nearly dropped of exhaustion on the couch until this morning. I am buying a mattress cover today in case it ever happens again. So any insights? I love my dog and wouldn't really take her back to the humane society . I felt awful as I have never yelled at any of my animals like that over the years! Do you think she is trying to make a statement? If so how do I help her? She loved my Mom and my Mom loved her.

Hi. Thanks for the replies. My anger at God is more along the lines of how can He allow so much injustice and suffering in this world? I see myself and others like me who were so good to our dead loved ones suffering with grief and in a lot of cases financial struggles since their deaths due to taking care of them and working less during that time and then I see ones like my sister and nephew who were not there for my Mom (heartless a**holes) prosper and I question God as I see that as a great injustice. I've read passages in psalms where the writers whine at God (much like I do) about the wicked prospering and I tell God "See! It was even happening right back then! WHY do You allow this to happen?!" So mine is along those lines then after ranting like that for awhile I get into telling Him I don't believe He even exists as no loving God would permit this to happen! A part of me keeps hearing my Mom's favourite saying in my mind "This too shall pass" She always said that during any sort of trouble. I have no regrets about taking care of my Mom . She was my best friend besides being my Mom and I love her beyond words. If I had to do it all over again I would. But I just can't seem to accept that people like my sister and nephew who are selfish self-centered ME ME'S prosper when they have never given without strings to anyone in their lives! So I blame God for allowing that to happen. During one of these rant sessions I had a dream one night where my Mom was sitting in front of me looking healthy and almost glowing and she said "Jenny, there is a God , Jesus Christ is real and the earth experience is like a refinery, You go through what you do to refine your character, to learn lessons." That was it! That was the whole dream! It felt SO real! I felt better for awhile after that but Thursday I started the ranting at God again. Oh I hope and pray "This too shall pass"! Love and hugs.

Your aunt sounds like a ME ME !!! There are always some in every family -- I have 2 as well-- my sister and my nephew. I am so sorry about your baby. I'll keep you in my thoughts . Love and hugs.

Andy: My Mom NEVER got over my brother's death (he got killed by a car on his bike when he was 6 , nearly 7 yrs old!) She used to say she never would get over it and she didn't but she learned to live with it. Her final request was to be cremated and buried in his grave which I made sure was fulfilled for her, so I guess these experts would say my Mom had a disorder! I often wonder if some of these "experts" out there have walked in the shoes of the ones that they are labelling. We know Marty has and that is one of the reasons I prefer this site -- she's been there done that so to speak and that is what really makes an expert. Love and hugs.

Hi all. I was starting to find more peace about my Mom's death this past while and trust God again -ie- less rage/anger at Him, etc but yesterday I dove head first so to speak into the pits of hell (what I call grief)! I'm back on the spiritual rollercoaster ride and I hate it! One minute believing in God, asking Him to help me, the next raging at Him, the next not believing in Him , even telling Him I don't believe in Him and citing all the reasons for such to Him! How insane! WHY would I tell Someone I supposedly don't believe in that I don't believe in Him?! If I really didn't believe in Him I wouldn't be talking to/raging at Him, right?! I thought this part of my grief was all done as I got peaceful about/with God a few weeks ago then WHAM -- out of nowhere it hit again yesterday! I miss my Mom SO much! I still can't believe she is really dead and I often get that jolt that she is really dead out of nowhere too. Any insights or shared experiences would be appreciated. Love and hugs to all.

I woke up on Oct 2nd feeling dread -- a work day to get through on the 6 month anniversary of my beloved Mother's death! So... I painted on the smile and pulled out my nice charming mask to present to the world while I felt like dying inside! My son and I had put flowers on my Mom's grave the weekend prior and I just couldn't bring myself to go there the day of the anniversary. It really sent me for a reel! I went into depression that whole weekend , angry at God, doubting God, seeing and resenting everything that is wrong with this world , hating heartless people like my sister and nephew and so on. This weekend is the Canadian Thanksgiving so my son and I took flowers to my Mom's grave yesterday and once again I had a very bad night after. Lots of anger at the injustices in this world and doubting God. BUT today was different. I wrote God a letter -- almost like my own psalm and then got really quiet instead of ranting at Him. All of a sudden I felt peace , like my old self (the self I used to be before my Mom got real sick and died) was being revived. I realized that after her death I allowed myself to fill myself with hatred, impatience, doubt and all kinds of other negative things . When she died and before then I was always basically a loving, kind, fun loving , tolerant, understanding and very patient person and the emotional blow of her death drained me -- completely depleted me and instead of asking God to fill me back up with the good stuff again (I believe He fills us up with it to begin with or we wouldn't have it at all) I took it upon myself to fill me up but with all the wrong stuff to the point where I hardly recognized myself anymore. (At times I felt like some stranger had moved into my body as the moods and so on were so out of character!) I know grief is not over but I feel I am more me again. I had been looking for God in all of this and when I didn't find Him I doubted Him but I realized in the quiet on my bed today that I was the one lost , not God, so I told Him that and told Him He'd have to look for me because I was the lost sheep and I couldn't keep looking for Him or I'd get even more lost. That was it! In a short time I felt PEACE go through me and a flood of understanding , almost like a revelation. Anyone know what I mean? It is hard to describe. I feel more like me again. Anyone else ever had this type of experience? Hugs and love to all.

I am so very sorry to learn of your baby's passing. My son (8) and I watched the video and were very touched. One very beautiful soul! I have lost many animals to death and I know it is heartbreaking. They are FAMILY. Watching your video reminded us to show extra love to ours so we made sure we gave extra hugs and kisses to our dog and cats. You are in our prayers. Thanks for sharing such a precious life with us. Love and hugs.

Tomorrow the funeral home that I had do my Mom's arrangements is having a tree planting service in honour of all who have passed this year . It is going to take place at a nature site that they purchased land on along with a service. I already had a memorial service for her on June 17th at our church then to the cemetary with luncheon back at the church. I received a letter this week form the funeral home reminding me when the tree planting service is. It shot pain through my soul all over again and I decided that I cannot put myself through this all over again! I managed to make it through the memorial service and burial but I just don't know if I can take much more. My sister phoned me to ask if my son and I are going to the tree planting tomorrow and she said "I don't think I will because when they did Nan's there were no toilets out there so I had to leave." ( Nan was what we called our maternal grandmother who I loved dearly too). I thought regarding what my sister said --well WHY call me to ask if I am going if you have no intentions of going yourself all because there are no toilets there! See the type of sister I am dealing with!?!? She's not going because of TOILETS, NOT because she can't take any more emotionally! I told her I didn't think I was going because I have had enough emotionally right now and I already did a memorial for Mom so I think Mom would understand if I didn't attend the tree planting service. (It's not just for my Mom , it's for everyone who has died this year.) My sister said "Oh... yeah, ok then, that's all I wanted to know so bye." her voice almost cracking (yeah couldn't believe that one , especially from the no heart Grinch!) Now I'm sitting here wondering if I should go tomorrow to this tree planting service or just take flowers with my son and I alone out to the cemetary? I don't know if I can handle this tree planting service emotionally and it is a distance to drive and I don't want to be driving alone with a child in the car all teary eyed. Like I said I got through the memorial and drove then with a child in the car but I was more together then than I have been lately and I just don't know if I can take ONE MORE thing to do with my Mom being dead right now. Then I think well it will seem like I don't care by not going to this tree service but I do care -- a lot more than words can even describe. My son doesn't know this service is tomorrow and I don't think I'll tell him as I know he will beg to go so in some ways I feel like I am robbing him of the opportunity to do something extra for his Nana too. I really don't know what to do at this point. I also thought I also really don't want to see my sister and possibly nephew and his family right now either so if they do go anyway then I have to be around them right now, although it is doubtful my nephew even remembers there is a tree planting service or even remembers he had a grandmother at all , he is so selfish and self-centered most of the time! Any insights? Love to all

I agree with you Shell -- I too have had experiences with animals (and people too) to prove they are still here with us only in a different form. My beloved dog Wags died in 1995 and for months after I could feel him jump on to my bed at night. When he was alive he'd spend half the night in my Mom's bed and half the night in mine (I guess he thought he had to be fair about it! ha.) and we both felt him jumping into our beds at various times of the night after he'd passed for a long time. My Mom even saw my beautiful Bouvier "Passion" a few times after she'd passed so I do believe they are here. I heard Passion bark different times or sigh (she used to sigh at just the right time when someone said something stupid over the years. ha. Really she did!) . After she passed I'd hear her bark or sigh so I believe they are still around us just like I believe people are still around us too. I think God allows that to help us cope and give us hope that this life is not all that there is.

I hadn't been on here in awhile so didn't post that my Mom's 81st birthday would have been September 2nd. It was a day I was dreading to go through without her but my son and I believe she was a part of it anyway. A few days prior to her birthday I bought one of those scratch lottery tickets, scratched it and won a free ticket. My son wanted to get another ticket right away but I had a feeling to wait until my Mom's birthday. The morning of her birthday we went to get her a bouquet of sunflowers (her absolute favorite flower) to take to her grave and we turned in the lottery ticket to get the free one. Even though my son is only 8 yrs old he insisted that he pick out the new ticket. (The salesman was ok with that as I was the adult getting it.) My son picked it out then said "Let's wait till we get to the cemetary to scratch it, ok?" I agreed. Once at the cemetary I was getting the flowers, blanket we sit on at her grave, etc out of the car and my son ran to her grave which is not far from where the car was. He had a penny to scratch the ticket and all of a sudden I heard "Hey Mom! We won 50 bucks!!! We did! We did!" and came running to the car. I thought he must be reading it wrong as I have never won any more than $5.00 on those tickets but when I looked at it sure enough it said $50.00! My son said "See! Nana must have made this happen!" I had to agree and said" Let's go out to dinner with it tonight to celebrate her birthday." He happily agreed. I used to always take my Mom out to dinner for her birthday (my sister and nephew used to come too but there was no sign that they even went to the cemetary on or near her birthday now and they hadn't been around the past 2 birthdays of her life!) . Anyway when she got too sick to go out the last few years I'd order her favorite foods from a resturaunt to eat at home. So my son and I went to Applebees that night and had steak dinners with desserts. He said in the resturaunt "Nana would have wanted us to do this so that's why I think we won the 50 bucks." I think so too because I wouldn't have went out to dinner unless we'd won the money. It was a hard day without her but I really believe she had a hand in making it better for us. I found out later that even though there was no show from my sister and nephew at the cemetary on her birthday , my cousin and Aunt went out there to pay their respects as my cousin emailed me that they saw the beautiful sunflowers that we put there and they left some flowers too.

I am so very sorry to hear about your precious Spanky. It struck a cord in me as my very first dog when I was 3 yrs old was named Spanky! I remember his so well -- a ball of fuzz and so loving and lively. He was hit by a car when he dug out from under out fence when he was just 6 months old. I cried and cried and cried. I too have lost many beloved animals to death throughout the years so I know how you must be feeling. I don't know if you believe in an afterlife but if so then think of your baby Spanky with your Mom and know that they are together. He didn't go with no one waiting there for him. I'll keep you in my prayers. Love and hugs.

I relate. It is all VERY exhausting and a lot of days I come home from work at lunch, eat quickly then go lay down for 15-20 minutes just to nap and try to keep going! Somedays I really believe the only thing that makes me even get out of bed in the morning is the fact that I have my little boy to support so I have to go to work or he doesn't eat. If it weren't for him I no doubt would have crawled in a hole and died the day my precious Mother died! Maybe you can get a reason to keep going on too like a pet? I have my son, my dog and 2 cats and they are the reason I even keep trying. Grief is SO HARD!!! Love to all.

Thanks to both of you. I think you're right. I noticed today that I have a lot of gas rolling around in my stomach so maybe that is causing the feeling too and maybe the gas is from gulping air between sobs? Reading your encouraging words brought tears to my eyes again -- tears of gratitude and tears because I realized that they are words of truth. I had a dream a little while ago where my Mom told me there is a God, Jesus is real and that what we are in on earth is like a refinery -- that what happens to us refines us so that we grow in spirit. That was it then I woke up. So maybe I'm being "refined" but it sure hurts like h*ll!!! I think I just have to put my sister and nephew out of my mind -- they certainly have put my son and I out of their minds --ie-- my sister only calls to tell me she needs aother copy of the DVD I made for my Mom's memorial as she is delivering them to everyone who requested a copy ( a lot of relatives) and I haven't heard from my nephew since my son's birthday party on August 15th! So they have certainly put me out of mind! My sister never asks how I'm doing or if the finances are okay, etc. Oh well, I guess they'll get it all back but I don't see it happening now as they seem to just prosper and be fine. thanks all for listening and encouraging me . Love to all.

I LOVE that! Thanks for sharing that! I have lost lots of wonderful very loving pets over the years and I just know I am going to be greeted by all of them when I cross over some day too! My Mom who loved pets just like me used to say she didn't want to go there unless her pets were there waiting for her so animals better go to heaven when they die. I believe she was lovingly greeted by many when she crossed over. I can just imagine the big smile on her face and the joy that filled her heart when they all came running to greet her. Thanks from one pet lover to another.

Hi everyone! I haven't been on here in awhile as I've been too busy working, taking care of my son, dog, cats, worrying about money,worrying about selling the house, crying over my Mom's death, feeling angry and resentful at my sister and nephew for having lots of money and never being there in a meaningful way for my Mom, etc, etc! So basically I've been too busy spinning around in a whirlwind of a thousand different emotions and haven't had time to post here. Anyway, I've had this weird feeling in my upper stomach near my solar plexes of total emptiness, like it is sensitive there to touch, not painful per se but tender nonetheless and feels like it would if one were hungry yet I am eating fine so am not hungry. Anyone know what I mean? If I touch it there it almost feels hallow yet tender and when not touched it feels like hunger pains or an emptiness. Could this be from crying (actually sobbing) and anger? The dizziness and or lightheadedness that I posted about before left thank God! Now this! Speaking of God -- I've also been back and forth on that one too! One minute believing then next not , the next asking ( begging ) Him for help, the next telling Him off for taking my beautiful Mother, telling Him off for all the injustice in the world like people like my nephew and sister who have been blessed with lots of money yet never gave a s**t about anyone but themselves yet people who do care and love like me seem to struggle more, and on and on. So does it sound like I'm losing it or maybe it's all part of the healing process? When I go back and forth and all around with this stuff I almost feel like I need an exorcist! Any insights would help. Love to all.

I've been asking those questions myself! My newphew (only a few yrs younger than I) and his wife had a birthday party for my son recently. My sister, nephew, nephews wife, sister's hubby (that's a WHOLE other story!), 2 great nephews and my son and I attended the party held at my nephew's home. My sister, her hubby,and my nephew sat there boozing away and every time I mentioned my Mom's name it was like it was taboo! Dead silence then someone would change the subject! It's like they are all over it and it will only be 5 months on Sept 2nd which would have also been her 81st birthday! I lived with her along with my son, I took care of her and they rarely ever even phoned over the past 2 yrs . I think the only reason they threw this birthday party for my son was because they all feel guilty -- I kept thinking each time my son would open one of their gifts "Well there's another gift dripping with guilt!" BITTER? Yes, I feel bitter toward them as they weren't there for my Mom! I didn't care that they didn't help me with the caregiving part of it as I love my Mom and didn't mind at all taking care of her but I KNOW she was hurt that they stopped visiting and calling and THAT is what enrages me! That they hurt her! They did come the day she was dying but only stayed for about an hour and a half then said to me that if anything changed over the next few days to let them know! HELLO!!! She had the death rattle and I told them she was dying -- she was still talking and very coherent right to the end but one would have to have been blind or stupid to not see that she didn't have long! Needless to say she died with me , my son and her nurse (who had just arrived for her brief visit) at her side. I just couldn't believe how callous and/or dumb they are! My Mom was good to them! She raised my nephew as my sister was very young when she had him, let my sister live at home along with my nephew and get educated so she could get a big paying job, babysat my nephew's children while he and his wife wanted to go on vacation alone, etc, etc and these ingrates treat her that way when she gets real sick the last few years of her life! I can almost say I hate them with the exception of my 2 great nephews as they are children and it's not their fault! And it really pissed me off that they sat there boozing away at this party and every time I mentioned my Mom there was silence then a quick topic change like her name is taboo around them! So yeah some people do seem to get over it quick and from my experience with this I think it is the people who don't have any feelings for anyone but themselves to begin with! Thanks for listening and I guess I needed to rant (which I didn't intend to do when I started to reply to this post!)