Perkins808

My daughter created this video for me, I thought it was beautiful and felt it necessary to share. I understand if no one wants to watch it, but I want to share Jeff with the world.

So I got a new credit card in the mail today. Funny, I didn't order a new card and my old one doesn't expire until April of next year......and this one had a new account number on it? So I called the credit card company. Why would I be sent a new card? The man that answered my call clearly had no idea what he was in for when he answered my call. He asked what he could help me with and I explained that I received a new card in the mail that I had not ordered and that it had a new account number on it - could he explain why? He proceeded to tell me that they had upgraded me, the new card had some wonderful new features that I could now take advantage of. Well, I was not pleased - I only use the card for two things, my netflix acct and my newspaper are charged directly to it every month. Now I would have to figure out who to even contact at these places to change my account information with them. Do I need to worry about anything else right now? I was reduced to tears.....and was not very nice when I told the gentleman that I was not happy about this, that it was just creating more work for me! Why was over reacting about this? It is CHANGE! I have had enough things changed in the last two months since Jeff died.....I was not wanting, nor welcoming anymore change!! This was yet another thing that I have no control over. Has anyone else taken out their frustrations on an innocent bystander? And then felt really bad about it afterwards?? Lord, there are days where I am convinced I am losing my mind!! Tammy

I think these things bring so much pain because they were things that our loved one held in their hands every single day - or at least that is why after 2 months Jeff's toothbrush still sits in the cup next to mine!

On the way home from the grocery store I was talking to my daughter in the car when I burst into tears. She asked me what I was thinking about....I told her that I can't imagine my life without Jeff. I HAVE been living without him for the last two months, but I still can not IMAGINE life without him!

I am so sorry Carol Ann for the way you were feeling today. I too have found myself in my walk in closet surrounded by Jeff's clothes - we had gone to a wedding the week before he died and his good suit hangs in there, it hadn't gone to the cleaners yet. On some days the smell of him on it is such a comfort, and on others I know I am not strong enough to even go near it. I tried to get rid of some things....I walked in the house one day and saw the overload of shoes on the shelf in the hallway. There are 5 girls in this house, so you know there are tons of shoes. I thought maybe if I took Jeff's shoes out of the mix, we'd have more room. I got out the trash bag and piled probably 4 pairs of his sneakers in....then I grabbed his work boots. I set them in the bag and then started sobbing. I too was not ready for this. One of my girls came around the corner and asked why I was crying - I said I didn't want to throw Jeff's work boots away. She kind of just laughed at me like I was silly - um, then don't throw them away Mom?! So I didn't. I let the sneakers go.....but the boots have stayed right where they were. I loved to see my man in his favorite jeans, a t-shirt and his workboots.....so they will stay until someday I am ready. I am sorry that there was such a tragic ending for Melissa, and I can't begin to imagine what that feels like....but maybe someday when you are truly ready, her scent will remind you of only happy times. Give yourself more time and try again? Tammy

Hi Cheryl, My husband was fighting stage 4 esophageal cancer and had chemotherapy every week at Dana-Farber in Boston. On one of the days that he felt the crappiest, we were waiting out in front of the building waiting for the valet to bring our car. Jeff stood on the side walk and leaned over to put his head on my shoulder. I put my arms around him to give him a hug and when I did so I inhaled deeply....because over his shoulder I could see a mom wheeling her little girl out of the building. Jeff turned to see what caused my reaction and saw the little girl himself....her face swollen from her treatments, her head bald from hairloss. With tears in his eyes he turned to me and said that he had nothing to complain about. He could not imagine a child being put through the grueling treatments he himself was going through. As you said, someone always has it worse. Along those same lines - although my husband was battling stage 4 cancer, he was responding fantastically to treatments and the Dr's were hopeful that the last round of chemo he was going through would buy him a few more years. Ultimately this was not to be the case - he went into cardiac arrest and died while we were laying in bed watching a movie. On some of the days that I am feeling the worst, I remind myself that it could have been worse. The way Jeff died, it appeared relatively painless, he went so quick. My biggest fear was that he would die a long painful drawn out death from cancer. Hard to even fathom that I would consider myself lucky that my husband died the way he did, but I am so grateful that he did not suffer, and I know how happy he would be to know that we all didn't have to watch him suffer. Tammy

Hi Kayc - I too felt like Jeff's family had disappeared on me....but I came to the realization that for a while, I was a painful reminder that Jeff wasn't here. It was always "Jeff and Tammy", we went everywhere together, we did everything together. Once that lightbult went off in my head I was able to understand how they were going through their own grief. I gave them some time and then slowly started to reach out to them. It's not that they didn't want to be there for me, it's not that they didn't want to see me....it was just too hard for them at first. Tammy

It was two months ago yesterday that I lost my husband. I have never been the type to wallow, I come from a family that is famous for that and I really don't want to be that way. My Mom will circle a date on the calendar and plan to be miserable the entire day. Me? I don't want to be like that. I will allow whatever feelings come along, but I don't want to look at the 18th of every month and plan to be overwrought with grief and sadness. If I can find a distraction, a reason to smile....I will welcome that opportunity. I had plans to go to the movies last night, but my friend came down with an awful head cold and she had to cancel. I decided that I would venture out to the movies alone. I've never been to a movie alone and had no idea how I would be once I got in there. I chose "The Town" with Ben Affleck.....if nothing else, Ben Affleck is a hottie and would be a nice distraction. ; ) It was a good action movie, definitely a movie Jeff would have liked. I made it through the whole thing with no tears....and I would definitely recommend the movie. BUT, on the drive home I was completely overwhelmed. I had to pull the car over because I was crying so hard that I couldn't see to drive. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I didn't have anyone to talk about the movie with.....something Jeff and I had alway done after a movie. At first I just cried....then I started to talk to Jeff. He is not with me physically, but I always feel so much better after I've talked to him. I don't regret going to the movies alone, I proved to myself that I could do it and hopefully the next time won't be as hard. I think as hard as everything is, day by day it does get a little easier.....but I think it's like emptying the ocean one bucket at a time. You won't notice the change until some time has passed! Tammy

Hi Cheryl, I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about - I am certain that nobody here will judge you for having a hard time on your first night alone.....regardless of you having kids to fill some of that void for such a long time or not. It was 6 weeks after Jeff died that I was finally home alone over night. My kids had gone to stay with their Dad, something that I had been able to put off up until that point, but I was feeling bad for keeping them from staying with him overnight....so I finally allowed them to go. It was hard, so absolutely quiet in the house....but I kept myself busy and when the kids finally came home I at least had a sense of accomplishment that no matter how hard it had been, no matter how much it sucked, I had finally done it. Like you, nights alone without kids were rare, and we would definitely take advantage of them. Even when he was going through chemo and radiation, we would always plan a "date night" if we were blessed with a night without kids. Some of my favorite moments were just being able to make out with my husband....without hearing the inevitable "eeewwws" from at least one of our kids who never seemed to grasp that we were after all still newlyweds! : ) I am sorry that you are going through this, but I am glad that you have some wonderful memories to get you through the hardest days! Tammy

I was having a particularly hard day yesterday. My husband has been gone for a little over two months and when I woke up yesterday there was a chill in the air.....the first taste of fall weather. Jeff and I loved the change of seasons, and we especially loved fall - the cool crisp air, the leaves changing, enjoying a camp fire....but now all I can think of is that I have no one to wrap their arms around me when I get cold. I took my dogs out as I always do and between the two of them they managed to drag me over to some forsythia bushes that Jeff had planted in the spring. Now, my dogs are not allowed near these bushes because I don't want them killing them....but they managed to drag me over there, and to my surprise, one of the forsythia bushes has sprouted some flowers!

I should have had Jeff's phone cancelled when he died, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Now I am glad I didn't because there are times during the day at work, or when I am out somewhere that I really want to communicate with him....and I do pick up my cell phone and send him a text message. I also talk to him when I am in my car driving home from work in the afternoon. Although when he was alive I would see him at home shortly after getting out of work, I used to call and talk to him on the ride home.....just couldn't wait the few minutes it would take to see him, just needed to hear his voice and tell him about my day and hear about his. So I continue that - it was hard at first because I so wanted to hear a response, but it has gotten easier. I tell him about my day, I tell him how I'm feeling and I tell him how much I love and miss him!

Thank you for sharing that Cheryl - I want to share with you what I wrote for the minister to read at Jeff's service..... I struggled on how to write this, on where to begin. Jeff was such an important person to everyone……how do you sum that up in words, and not drag things out like he hated people to do?? When Jeff was diagnosed with cancer 9 months ago it was like the carpet was pulled out from under us. You can not imagine anything more devastating than to find out that the person who meant the most to you in the world would be taken from you. We shared tears, grief, sadness……and then found a quiet determination to make the most, the very best out of whatever time he had left. We promised each other that we would not grieve while he was still here, we would live life to the fullest, with no regrets and no words unsaid. We got married, Jeff concerned at first that it wasn’t a good time. We had been engaged for a year and wanted to wait until the time was right. I looked him in the eye and asked him “Why are we waiting??” His response was that he knew how hard this path would be and did not want me to have to deal with it. I reminded him that I was going nowhere, that I would always be by his side, through good times and bad. I shared with him my favorite quote for the first time “I would rather have a few moments of extraordinary then a lifetime of nothing special.” And everyday we had together he showed me how extraordinary life could be. We laughed every day, never missed an opportunity to say I love you…..and most important, always made sure the other knew how much they were appreciated. Few people would probably understand how someone diagnosed with stage 4 cancer would ever say that Life Is Good, but Jeff found reasons to say it every day. Whether it was listening to our four girls laughing together, whether it was enjoying a ride in the jeep with the top down (usually finding dirt roads to do a couple of spin outs on) or finding an ice cream place that had soft serve ice cream with the chocolate dip syrup he loved. He always found pleasure in the simple things, always told me that it was the small things in life that were important to him. Sitting out in the backyard one day with the girls laughing and shouting in the background I asked him if there was anything he had always wanted to do, were there any special places he’d like to see……and he grabbed my hand and looked at the girls and told me that he had everything he would ever need already. He touched my heart everyday and we lived a lifetime in what seems like a short period of time. Since the cancer treatments had been going so much better than we ever anticipated, we thought everything he had gone through in the last 9 months had given him years to live. We honestly thought he had a lot more time left, we still had so much living to do!! God had another plan for Jeff - and he was taken so quickly that it left us all stunned. Never would we have imagined that cardiac arrest would take him away from us. As I was doing cpr, trying to bring him back.....I kept screaming and begging for Jeff not to leave me. I know he fought with everything he had, but he was gone. I couldn't bring him back, the paramedics couldn't bring him back, there was nothing anyone could do. It slowly began to sink in that Jeff was gone. My dear sweet man had died in my arms. So I am left with this task - how did Jeff want to be remembered?? I know he would not want to be remembered by how he died, but ultimately by how he lived. So many people that I have spoken to in the last few days have said the same things – they will always remember Jeff’s smile, his laughter. He had a unique sense of humor that often left me and the girls scratching our heads……a story that will probably make people laugh: we had gone camping with the girls at Normandy Farms where they have a pool. Jeff decided that he would wait to change out of his bathing suit until we got back to the camper. After going into the camper to change he quickly came out wearing a t-shirt and a towel wrapped around his waist and announced that he had lost his underwear. After we stopped laughing we went for a walk back to the pool……and in the road in front of the lodge was a maintenance man with a stick, picking Jeff’s underwear up off the ground. Without hesitating Jeff let out a loud whistle and yelled out “Hey, those are mine!” much to our horror. The look on the maintenance guys face was priceless…..and the giggles of a few boys riding by on bikes was just too much. We were doubled over laughing so hard that our stomachs hurt. Thinking back on every conversation that Jeff and I have had since his diagnosis, there is one recurring theme. Be thankful. Be grateful. Remember all the good times, the laughter and keep living. Thank you Jeff for everything you were to all of us, the extraordinary husband, the incredible father, the caring son, brother, uncle…..but most of all, the friend that you were to so many people. When the grief is overwhelming, remember his smile and his positive spirit……that was his legacy, and it will live on in all of us forever.

I think anyone going through this is "in over their heads". I think it is a wonderful thing that you have two children to focus on right now.....just to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning is a great thing. I also think that those children are lucky that you stepped up for them - this is not an easy for kids to deal with, but together you will work through it. You say you are not sure how to take care of yourself - start off by being kind to yourself. Know that there is no "wrong" way to do this, so there is no need to second guess yourself. You are doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt!

It amazes me that in my everyday life, I feel like nobody has any idea what I am going through, that they can't relate. When I sign onto this site....I am surrounded by people who know EXACTLY what I am going through and can relate to everything. Melina - I have been the woman sobbing in the front yard when I couldn't get the lawn mower started, my "lawn mower man" used to tune things up and hadn't gotten to it yet before he died. BillW - I have had to pull my car over because I couldn't see through my tears to drive. Amysue - my daughter made a picture slide show on you tube, I sit and watch it sometimes because I know it will make me cry. If I get the tears out in a "controlled" way I'll be good for at least a few hours. Marty T - wow, what a huge revelation - we confuse holding onto our pain with holding onto our loved one. I don't think I even realized that was true until I read it! We may each grieve in our own way, but there are so many threads that tie us all together. We all share the same feelings, the sadness, the loneliness, the emptiness, the guilt, the anger.....I could go on and on. While I am so sorry that you are all going through this pain, it is comforting to know that someone else knows how I feel, knows the hell I'm going through....and I look at the people further along in the process with the hope that while I don't think I will ever "get over" the loss of my soulmate, I will be able to look back on all the memories we created and smile.....and maybe not feel the raw overwhelming pain that I feel now. So I thank all of you, for your insights, for your thoughts and for your advice! Tammy

I am sorry for your loss Carol Ann. I think the gratitude journal is a good idea - Jeff and I lived like that before he died. Even after finding out he had cancer, we found a reason every day to say that Life is Good. We focused on the positive, we focused on our love, our laughter. I can say without a doubt that we enjoyed every day to the fullest. I can't wait to be out of this "funk" so that I can find my way back to the same mindset. I don't want to sleepwalk through life, I want to live.....but I guess I need to work through this grief process first before I can get there. Baby steps?

Hi Bill, Thank you for your kind words. Jeff and I did have a special relationship. We had only been together for 4 short years, but I feel like we squeezed a lifetime into the time we did have together. Jeff had been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease about 12 years before I met him......that disease had almost killed him, they had sent him home to die but somehow he managed to pull through. Not only did he pull through, he had a new outlook on life. When he and I met, he shared this with me. I don't know if it was the thought of how close he was to not being here or what it was, but we both appreciated every moment we had together from the very beginning. We enjoyed all the simple pleasures, we never missed an opportunity to say I love you and most of all we always made sure the other knew how important they were. He made me feel like a princess everyday.....and he was my king. Not too many people would understand this, but when you are diagnosed with stage 4 cancer you are given an opportunity if you chose to take it. You are given the opportunity to leave no unfinished business - we had the chance to talk about everything, we left nothing unsaid. So now I can look back with no regrets. When Jeff wanted to go get ice cream and I had work to finish up, we chose the ice cream. When Jeff came up behind me in the kitchen to give me a hug, I always turned around to face him no matter what project I was in the middle of - so that I could look in his eyes and he would know he had my full attention. I loved him with all my heart - and I think I did a pretty good job of making sure he felt that every day. I have so many wonderful memories, so many sweet moments to think back on....and you are right. When I am at a low point, I think of those moments and realize how blessed I am just to have known him. I am sorry for your loss Bill, but I am glad you have all of your wonderful memories to cherish as well. Tammy

So I was talking to a friend the other day explaining how I wished I could fast forward over the next 6 months or so. I rattled off how October would have been my husband's and my first wedding anniversary, his birthday. November - Thanksgiving, Jeff's favorite holiday. December - Christmas. January - my 40th birthday, Jeff was going to plan a big party. February - Valentine's Day. My friends response? Wow, you're going to drive yourself crazy the way you think. You need to not dwell on things. I completely shut down and was done talking. Have I gotten to the point where nobody wants to hear my thoughts anymore? Have I hit the point (2 months) where I am now supposed to carry on with my grief alone so that I don't make anyone uncomfortable? I actually felt myself getting angry. Was she seriously going to tell me not to think about all the holidays and special occasions that are going to make me miss my husband even more? How could I seriously NOT put any thought into that? He was my world.....I wonder every morning when I get up how I'm going to make it through an ordinary day, never mind a special occasion! Has anyone else experienced this with friends? Do you feel like you have a time limit attached to how long you can lean on them??

Nine months ago my fiance Jeff (my soulmate, my bestfriend) was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. We got married, had a beautiful wedding that we managed to put together in four days and then three days later he started chemo and radiation. He responded so fantastically that at the end of June we were told that the tumor in his esophagus was gone. We were still cherishing the great news when on July 18th, Jeff went into cardiac arrest while we were watching a movie and died at the age of 45. I was devastated to say the least.....the emotional roller coaster we had been on for almost a year was overwhelming. We were just finishing up his last rounds of treatments and were looking forward to enjoying some "normal" life that didn't include weekly trips to Dana-Farber. How cruel life can be! Now it's been two months and I still feel lost. I think the worst feeling is that I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore - not even home. I keep myself busy to the point of exhaustion so that I don't dwell on being so all alone. I never did alone well.....and I was lucky enough to have found a man who loved spending as much time with me as I did with him. We spent every minute we could together, and never tired of each other. Unfortunately as much as I enjoyed it while he was here, it makes now so much harder. I have been to so many grief sights looking for something positive to latch onto, and I find this site to be so much more positive than other sites I've seen. I don't want to dwell on negativity, I want to grow, I want to be positive.....it's how we lived when Jeff was here, it's how he'd want me to be, it's how I want to be. I know everyone grieves in their own way, but does anyone have any advice on how to stay positive while going through this overwhelming process? Tammy